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Old 09-02-2007, 05:57 PM
 
Location: In my mind
630 posts, read 2,109,973 times
Reputation: 695

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think.reciprocity - I'm sure he will want you to be in his life, you are his mother. No matter what that will never change, as they say father's daughters, mother's son. He has already shown that he thinks of you and wants you to be proud of him. He called and told you what was going on in his life. Stand strong, be there to give the advice when requested and the encouragement when needed.

Take care of yourself, you need to be the rock he can lean on in time of need. You've proven yourself and he will prove himself.

Be good to yourself and your family .... Best Wishes
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Old 09-02-2007, 05:58 PM
 
Location: southern california
61,306 posts, read 79,536,424 times
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Default medal

Quote:
Originally Posted by think.reciprocity View Post
Up until this point in my life the very deepest challenges I faced were the death of my parents. On 1 August 2007 (after giving over 3 months written notice), I kicked my "children" out of my apartment.

They had nowhere to go because they failed to take the whole thing seriously & work their butts off to "get it down". So, she went with the baby to her mother's house (which was like walking into hell & taking your baby with you) & my son started out at a friend's house (where he was staying with the friend, the friend's girlfriend who was about to give birth any day, & the friend's mother in a small studio type apartment).

He changed places twice after that. On some levels, he wore his welcome out wherever he went. He applies for lots of jobs & then sits & waits for them to knock on his door. His skills at calling about jobs are frightening. Apparently, his interviewing techniques are worse. He can't get a job. Frankly, he also isn't trying hard enough.

Truly, in a perfect world, none of this would be happening. Jeez, he & this girl are frightful together. The actually have nothing in common & the fight like cats & dogs. She complains & nags & rants & raves & he becomes negative in response.

Neither one of them are behaving in any way that would impress a mother. But, none of that matters much because they ARE together & my grandbaby is here & needing two stable parents.

I find it ironic that after all this time of them being unemployed & doing NOTHING but complaining about every possible way in which their lives were not their faults. Now, In one month they have found their own apartment, moved in, & my son has a fantastic (for a high school graduate) job (as of two days ago). They are going to be able to qualify for subsidized childcare (normally a long waiting list, which makes finding a job immediately a real challenge).

Their apartment is, well, subpar (at best) - not conditions any of us would want to live in, but "safe" & in a decent locale. Personally, I had to pay my dues in places just like that many years ago. They'll survive (if they can keep up with the rent) AND they'll be better for it - just like I have been.

Making a radical decision like this - to kick your children out when they have nowhere & sometimes it seems like they are suffering from brain damage (lol)... It's a rollercoaster of emotions. I was NOT turning back from the decision once I made it. But, it's been terrible.

On top of that I have discovered this thing that I have heard about for many years: "The Empty Nest Syndrome" AND IT IS REAL!

I don't want my child back home. But, I've suddenly realized that he no longer has to have a life with me. He can walk away & never talk to me or include me in his life. I cannot imagine that god nor the world has created a pain greater. I have spent the last 19 years of my life with him as the focus. It was my job & responsibility to create safety & family around him. If he strayed away (and he did), I was to go after him (AND I DID).

Now, it is my job to sit back & allow him to live his life. Separate life. Separate from mine. It's mind boggling, really.

Today, I am so proud & so pleased. My son took a short break from his job to call his momma & tell her where he was working & what he was doing. I could hear the pride, esteem, joy in his voice - his energy was intoxicating.

I hung up the phone & cried my eyes out! This is the beginning of my son finding his own power, beauty, strength, & honour. I think, today, I can begin calling him a man... My man-child.

Sometimes when we love our children, we must love them enough to force them to do it on their own. Make their own choices - good, bad, or ugly. Then to settle in with their consequences. We must wait to offer advise until asked. We raise our children to become responsible interdependent world citizens. If we succeed, we'll never be needed the same ways again.

I've received a lot of criticism (encouragement too) for doing this. But, I knew my son & I knew that we'd be having the same discussions years later if I didn't make the choice for him now. He is FIERCE like his momma - but he doesn't quite know it yet.

He's ready to shine, y'all... Just wait & see!!!

i wish i could give you a medal for guts but instead this simple email will do.
good for you. codependent no more.
stephen s
san diego
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Old 09-02-2007, 06:03 PM
 
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
1,195 posts, read 2,242,292 times
Reputation: 1842
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bunky39 View Post
i wish i could give you a medal for guts but instead this simple email will do.
good for you. codependent no more.
stephen s
san diego
Thank you so much, really. Encouraging words are very important - don't ever discount them! I'll send you a rep point in place of a medal... lol!



Thanks to you, too, Magic... I already sent you some rep...
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Old 09-02-2007, 06:18 PM
 
Location: Mayberry
33,004 posts, read 13,812,494 times
Reputation: 68903
Think... It's hell letting go, when I moved when my DD graduated from HS and she didn't want to go, it was hell. She made a lot of wrong choices and went through a lot of pain and so did I. She stuck it out. I have supported her in her decisions and tried, not very well, to not interfer. Yeah right!! she has had a rough life and everyone she has loved has left her in one way or another. Now she is graduating from school next week and going to be an ultrasound tech after many years of school and trying to get into RN programs and picking the wrong men. She will have a glowing career, she has a great BF and I get to be there to see her accomplishment!!

I am happy for you and your son will be a better man for what you have done.
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Old 09-02-2007, 06:37 PM
 
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
1,195 posts, read 2,242,292 times
Reputation: 1842
Quote:
Originally Posted by tasmtairy View Post
Think... It's hell letting go, when I moved when my DD graduated from HS and she didn't want to go, it was hell. She made a lot of wrong choices and went through a lot of pain and so did I. She stuck it out. I have supported her in her decisions and tried, not very well, to not interfer. Yeah right!! she has had a rough life and everyone she has loved has left her in one way or another. Now she is graduating from school next week and going to be an ultrasound tech after many years of school and trying to get into RN programs and picking the wrong men. She will have a glowing career, she has a great BF and I get to be there to see her accomplishment!!

I am happy for you and your son will be a better man for what you have done.
My son went & had a baby before I (and definitely before HE) was ready. Now, I am not only torn about him but about my love for my grandbaby! I've never intended to stay here in the midwest - I have dreams of travel & far off living. I know that when I do move away from them it is going to rip my heart out all over again.

I really appreciate hearing from others who have children who are not choosing wisely for themselves because you all understand the depth of meaning behind "unconditional love" - because you/we have to practice it daily. I adore my son unconditionally, but sometimes his behaviour leaves me REELING in pain & disbelief! The majority of my friends & family just don't understand the separation between person & behaviour. So I often have nowhere to turn when I am frustrated or when I am excited for him (like now) - all they see is the poor choices he often makes.

THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart... tr
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Old 09-02-2007, 07:19 PM
 
Location: MO Ozarkian in NE Hoosierana
4,679 posts, read 11,217,508 times
Reputation: 6946
thinker... all can say is, best of luck, and do believe that ya did a very difficult, yet positive endeavor. In the end, ya can not control, yet only influence and guide. Like the proverbial saying about horses, kids, and jackarses, can only show 'em the door, but not make 'em drink on the way out.
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Old 09-02-2007, 07:28 PM
 
Location: SD
896 posts, read 4,022,773 times
Reputation: 344
This thread really hit home for me. I have a brother who is ripping my mother's heart out. My husband gets frustrated with her because she has not let my brother hit bottom. She is constantly bailing him out, emotionally and financially, to her own distress and heartbreak.

From the time my brother was born, he was my mother's angel. After being diagnosed with learning disabilities, he was always given a break--there was always an excuse. First it was the learning, then it was (light) drugs, our father's death, etc. He is a sweet and nice kid but not very bright and is a pathological liar and makes very bad choices. Did I mention he decided two months before graduation that he didn't want to go to school anymore? But it was okay, my mom helped him out. She got him an apartment (nearby the campus where all his friends were going to college) and he got a job busing tables but never got his GED. Fast forward a few years and his girlfriend is pregnant. They get married, my mom buys them a house, they have twins and are constantly in search of the gold at the end of their nonexistant rainbow. His wife is never happy because this isn't what she believed she signed up for (she thought my mom had more money than she really does). They've bled my mom dry. Most of it is my mom's own fault because she's a huge enabler. Unfortunately, my sinlaw wants a divorce and these poor three year old girls are caught in the middle of two immature people. I feel bad for them but I feel terrible for my mom because she continues to be caught in the middle of a bad situation.

I'm so happy to hear when things work out. I keep hoping and praying that my brother makes good choices and leaves my mother out of things.
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Old 09-02-2007, 08:50 PM
 
Location: USA
1,920 posts, read 4,344,773 times
Reputation: 2068
I'm so glad things worked out well.
I know the hardest part, must have been your grandchild.
But, look at it like this: that grandchild needs stable, mature parents.
What you did probably helped them on the road to that, tremendously.

Congrats, and I hope it continues!
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Old 09-02-2007, 10:21 PM
 
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
1,195 posts, read 2,242,292 times
Reputation: 1842
Quote:
Originally Posted by 5FLgirls View Post
This thread really hit home for me. I have a brother who is ripping my mother's heart out. My husband gets frustrated with her because she has not let my brother hit bottom. She is constantly bailing him out, emotionally and financially, to her own distress and heartbreak.

From the time my brother was born, he was my mother's angel. After being diagnosed with learning disabilities, he was always given a break--there was always an excuse. First it was the learning, then it was (light) drugs, our father's death, etc. He is a sweet and nice kid but not very bright and is a pathological liar and makes very bad choices. Did I mention he decided two months before graduation that he didn't want to go to school anymore? But it was okay, my mom helped him out. She got him an apartment (nearby the campus where all his friends were going to college) and he got a job busing tables but never got his GED. Fast forward a few years and his girlfriend is pregnant. They get married, my mom buys them a house, they have twins and are constantly in search of the gold at the end of their nonexistant rainbow. His wife is never happy because this isn't what she believed she signed up for (she thought my mom had more money than she really does). They've bled my mom dry. Most of it is my mom's own fault because she's a huge enabler. Unfortunately, my sinlaw wants a divorce and these poor three year old girls are caught in the middle of two immature people. I feel bad for them but I feel terrible for my mom because she continues to be caught in the middle of a bad situation.

I'm so happy to hear when things work out. I keep hoping and praying that my brother makes good choices and leaves my mother out of things.
I can relate to a lot of what you've said - from different perspectives! What many of us parents fail to realize is that when we continue to "rescue" & do for our children saying that we hate to see them suffer or we're worried about them or whatever - we are really undermining & devaluing them.

Case in point: My son loves his infant son. But, frankly, taking care of him without his mother around is challenging at best (he is breast fed, won't take a bottle, & won't be comforted or soothed by anyone but his mother)! He was constantly trying to get me to "watch" him for him while he went to play basketball or whatever. There were times when it was hell trying to stop the baby from crying & he wanted the easy way out (and, at the time, I was better at it than him). I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't give him that out because that isn't the kind of man I raised him to be. I knew he could do it & I knew he'd feel better having work through the crisis' on his own.

I can still picture & feel that moment the very first time he was able to comfort the baby on his own, stop him from crying, & lull him to sleep. I can still remember vividly that first time he was able to get the baby to eat SOMETHING from a bottle. I didn't help him one bit & my son raced around the apartment whisper yelling (as the baby was finally sleeping) YES, YES, I did it! Score (as he quietly high-fived me). I cried - of course - & I looked at him seriously & told him "See, see - THIS, it's THIS very moment & THIS very feeling that you would have robbed yourself of if I had done it for you - THESE are the moments that we live for! YOU are his father & you are a GREAT father!"

And, while it isn't over so it hasn't necessarily "worked out" - this is one giant/small victory on his / our journey!

Your mom feels guilty about something which is why she keeps doing what she's doing - I struggle with guilt constantly - I have so MANY reasons to feel guilty about how things have been for my son. But, guilt is FEAR & FEAR is the opposite of love. We parent out of guilt to sooth our own conscience - it has little to do with caring for or loving the other person. I know that sounds harsh - but it comes from experience & the finger is pointed as much at me as anyone else.

The poor children who are stuck with parents who have no earthly idea what they are doing (I say that reflectively as well - which is part of the guilt I struggle with)!!!

I wish you & your family the richest of blessings & your mom the blessed courage to act lovingly towards both her children but also towards her children's mother - something many of us all too often overlook!

I'm now taking care of my son's mother at least as well as I've always tried to care for him!

Cheers to all of you!
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Old 09-02-2007, 10:35 PM
 
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
1,195 posts, read 2,242,292 times
Reputation: 1842
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundance View Post
I'm so glad things worked out well.
I know the hardest part, must have been your grandchild.
But, look at it like this: that grandchild needs stable, mature parents.
What you did probably helped them on the road to that, tremendously.

Congrats, and I hope it continues!

It's even more wretched and complicated than I described so YES - it was horrible in every respect. Right up until the end I had no idea if they were going to attempt to force my hand (because they began by saying "we're not moving... you can't kick us out... what'll you do if we just don't go... blah, blah, blah) & make it a dirty ugly thing.

I told my son that his guilt trip wouldn't work this time & I had history to support me. I suffer from guilt until enough becomes enough. When that happens & I make a decision - NOTHING can stand in my way. I told him he could test me if he wanted but that would be one ugly memory for all of us. I'd feel wretchedly guilty the entire time the sheriff was removing him, her, & my grandson & their things. My heart would break & I'd fall to pieces - but, in the end, I'd be living here & they'd be elsewhere!

There was so much terrible stuff that transpired over the course of time with my son but in the last year or two mostly with my "daughter-in-law".

I pray it continues also - but, it's likely there will be more rocky roads (even if they are short detours) ahead... I'll love & support him through it all!

Thanks for your kindness...
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