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Old 09-04-2007, 11:12 AM
 
Location: Hughes County, Oklahoma
3,160 posts, read 9,937,257 times
Reputation: 1141

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Quote:
Originally Posted by think.reciprocity View Post
This one made me cry. THANK YOU for taking the time to post it!!!

I am close with all of my son's friends & to his face, they tell him how messed up I am & what a "this or that" I am for kicking them out! Behind his back, they have been encouraging me to do it for a long time & they tell me they wish their moms would have the same "balls" (as they say).

My son doesn't have much maturity or insight at this point to have the degree of reflection & gratitude that you clearly have (although you may still be a nightmare for your mom... lol). He's very YOUNG in many ways & self-centred.

I know that somewhere along the line my son will reflect back on this time in his life & not only realize the blessing it was that I was so tough - but that this was truly the "best times of his life" in many ways - despite the hard times.

Just as you, over the course of your life will grow, evolve, develop on different plains & new layer of understanding will reveal themselves. I only now, at the age of 39, after doing this to my son, fully realize the scope of devastation I bestowed upon my moms & pops at the same age. I was a well behaved kid - but left home immediately after graduating. I still loved my parents but had little time for them then. I was busy establishing my independence from them (especially my momma).

I knew there'd always be time to spend with them & now was not it. They had spent from 1941 to 1986 raising children. Never alone. Now, I left them cold-turkey. I called. I went home for a weekend here or there. But, I left.

There isn't always tomorrow. I believe that my parents couldn't survive that sort of loss. They died 10 months apart in 1988 & 1989. I could have been more loving & gentle with their hearts - but I didn't know I wouldn't have "tomorrow" to make it all better.

I never realized until just now, in this last month, the level of sorrow & loss that a parent feels when their child leaves home (even when they want them to go) - I've long since healed from the majority of my "wrong" with my parents, but this is a whole new layer of "knowing" & healing.

I WISH YOU WELL... you sound like an incredible young person & just remember to do all you can to show your mom you love her (we love even just a phone call for no apparent reason or an "I love you" out of the blue). It's always best to tell them in the living years...

You make some great points. We should always treat our loved ones as if this is their last day on earth, because it might be.

I think your parents did know how much you loved them, and that they showed their love to you by letting you go. Please don't blame yourself.

My children are grown/busy, and sometimes I really miss them a lot, but I don't want to keep them tied to my apron strings. I am really close to my daughter in particular, but she has to be her own person and sometimes she must feel I am pushing her away. My oldest son works so much I spend more time with his wife than with him, but I know it is extremely important to him to be successful in his career. I try to tell him to enjoy his son while he is small, because those years go by in a flash. My younger sons (actually stepsons) are fraternal twins. One is going to move away soon with one of our granchildren to fly in the Navy test pilot division. Well, I am not too happy about that as it is very dangerous and we will miss him, his wife and the baby, but that is his lifelong dream, so what can we do. I had to tell my other younger son that no he can't move back home, grow up and get a job. Being a parent is a very hard job.

I think you are doing the right thing with your son. It is hard to do the right thing. I wish you luck.
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Old 01-05-2008, 12:31 PM
 
1 posts, read 4,166 times
Reputation: 13
Default Tough Love - Teenage

Thank you for your post. It gives me inspiration, as I sit hear crying because I have to go to my son's house today (we share a mortgage and he has not paid his share in December or January) and give him a late payment notice and possible eviction notice. I hope it doesn't come to that because I am so bad at tough love. I also know he can do it but he has to first deal with his (what I think is manic depression) (like my ex-husband). Once he deals with that nothing will stop him. I printed off your story to give to him. Thanks again for being a strong and responsible parent. Both my ex-husband and myself and my husband have given him money (thinking we were helping!) NOT. Instead of doing responsible things with the money he just blew it on who know's what. But 2008 is a year for tough love and it starts today. Wish me luck!!
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Old 01-05-2008, 01:37 PM
 
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
1,195 posts, read 2,242,292 times
Reputation: 1842
Quote:
Originally Posted by fwelter View Post
Thank you for your post. It gives me inspiration, as I sit hear crying because I have to go to my son's house today (we share a mortgage and he has not paid his share in December or January) and give him a late payment notice and possible eviction notice. I hope it doesn't come to that because I am so bad at tough love. I also know he can do it but he has to first deal with his (what I think is manic depression) (like my ex-husband). Once he deals with that nothing will stop him. I printed off your story to give to him. Thanks again for being a strong and responsible parent. Both my ex-husband and myself and my husband have given him money (thinking we were helping!) NOT. Instead of doing responsible things with the money he just blew it on who know's what. But 2008 is a year for tough love and it starts today. Wish me luck!!
This IS the year for all of us to shine - believe that! No luck necessary - I wish you rich blessings & the courage to love fully out of love & not fear! Let me know how things go...

aisha
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Old 01-06-2008, 01:32 AM
 
214 posts, read 443,940 times
Reputation: 64
Great thread moms and kids too ! Tough love is tough ! I feel like the greatist love from a parent comes when you love them enough to make them ' think ' they hate you .
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Old 09-07-2008, 12:20 PM
 
4 posts, read 36,010 times
Reputation: 16
Exclamation Out of control adult children

I was treated with "tough love" by my Mother when I was about 21. I was out of control. My Mother kicked me out and I had no where to go. I had all my stuff in my car (that I paid for myself because my Mom would not buy me one) Luckily I knew some people and I stayed at friend's houses - bouncing around from one to the next. There were times when I had no idea where I was going to go. In the end I got my stuff together. I got a job, apartment and was completely supporting myself without my Mothers help. I knew she loved me. I see this adult child thing go to the extreme with my uncle. He is almost 50 years old living with my grandma... still. He's always got in trouble. He drinks and I'm sure uses drugs, steals. My grandmother has ALWAYS babied him and now look at him - not a pot to pee in living with his elderly Mom. It's disgusting to see. My grandmother believes all of his excuses. She has even ended friendships with people because they said something about it to her. My Mother is dead now- but that doesn't change a thing - my uncle will ALWAYS have a free place to live. When my grandmother passes- he'll probably live in her house till he can't pay his way anymore - than he'll die or live on the streets. If my Grandmother did not baby him all his life he would be in a better position. I look at my uncle and I see him as the most pathetic person! I've tried to talk to my grandmothet but she gets mad if anyone tries to butt in. So we leave it alone. Now I see a similar situation in my Dad's side of the family with my cousin. Her grandmother raised her pretty much. She feels sorry for her because her Mom didn't care for her. She is rotten! (my cousin) she steals, lies, hates, and is jealous of everyone. She was recentlt arrested for fighting with her boyfriend. And they have a baby together. Her boyfriend is in all kinds of trouble with the law. But the grandmother takes her in, pays her way, and again are paying to get her another place to live. It won't be long till she is back in her house because no one is teaching her that she needs to support herself. it's much easier to say here is a place to live now take care of yourself. She's not going to. She is dependant on her completely. And, I see it starting with her. When her Grandmother passes noone will take care of her because she is nasty and has burned her bridges. She's unfortunetly going to have to learn the hard way later in life. I thank my Mother now for treating me with tough love. If not who knows where I would be now - now that she is gone. And, btw she committed suicide- I had a very tough childhood- way worse than my cousin ever had. I never had anyone to help me & support me. Now look at me the girl my cousin is sooo jealous of living in a brand new house that I own. Completely dependent on myself. I can't stand to see it or hear about adult children because it makes me so sick. It's the mothers fault when she is 70 something years old and her kids still live with her and have nothing. So BIG point here _ TOUGH LOVE IS VERY IMPORTANT!! otherwise you might find yourself as a senior citizen still caring for your adult children- worrying about what they will do when you die!
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Old 09-07-2008, 12:25 PM
 
3,413 posts, read 6,669,798 times
Reputation: 1461
Quote:
Originally Posted by think.reciprocity View Post
Up until this point in my life the very deepest challenges I faced were the death of my parents. On 1 August 2007 (after giving over 3 months written notice), I kicked my "children" out of my apartment.

They had nowhere to go because they failed to take the whole thing seriously & work their butts off to "get it down". So, she went with the baby to her mother's house (which was like walking into hell & taking your baby with you) & my son started out at a friend's house (where he was staying with the friend, the friend's girlfriend who was about to give birth any day, & the friend's mother in a small studio type apartment).

He changed places twice after that. On some levels, he wore his welcome out wherever he went. He applies for lots of jobs & then sits & waits for them to knock on his door. His skills at calling about jobs are frightening. Apparently, his interviewing techniques are worse. He can't get a job. Frankly, he also isn't trying hard enough.

Truly, in a perfect world, none of this would be happening. Jeez, he & this girl are frightful together. The actually have nothing in common & the fight like cats & dogs. She complains & nags & rants & raves & he becomes negative in response.

Neither one of them are behaving in any way that would impress a mother. But, none of that matters much because they ARE together & my grandbaby is here & needing two stable parents.

I find it ironic that after all this time of them being unemployed & doing NOTHING but complaining about every possible way in which their lives were not their faults. Now, In one month they have found their own apartment, moved in, & my son has a fantastic (for a high school graduate) job (as of two days ago). They are going to be able to qualify for subsidized childcare (normally a long waiting list, which makes finding a job immediately a real challenge).

Their apartment is, well, subpar (at best) - not conditions any of us would want to live in, but "safe" & in a decent locale. Personally, I had to pay my dues in places just like that many years ago. They'll survive (if they can keep up with the rent) AND they'll be better for it - just like I have been.

Making a radical decision like this - to kick your children out when they have nowhere & sometimes it seems like they are suffering from brain damage (lol)... It's a rollercoaster of emotions. I was NOT turning back from the decision once I made it. But, it's been terrible.

On top of that I have discovered this thing that I have heard about for many years: "The Empty Nest Syndrome" AND IT IS REAL!

I don't want my child back home. But, I've suddenly realized that he no longer has to have a life with me. He can walk away & never talk to me or include me in his life. I cannot imagine that god nor the world has created a pain greater. I have spent the last 19 years of my life with him as the focus. It was my job & responsibility to create safety & family around him. If he strayed away (and he did), I was to go after him (AND I DID).

Now, it is my job to sit back & allow him to live his life. Separate life. Separate from mine. It's mind boggling, really.

Today, I am so proud & so pleased. My son took a short break from his job to call his momma & tell her where he was working & what he was doing. I could hear the pride, esteem, joy in his voice - his energy was intoxicating.

I hung up the phone & cried my eyes out! This is the beginning of my son finding his own power, beauty, strength, & honour. I think, today, I can begin calling him a man... My man-child.

Sometimes when we love our children, we must love them enough to force them to do it on their own. Make their own choices - good, bad, or ugly. Then to settle in with their consequences. We must wait to offer advise until asked. We raise our children to become responsible interdependent world citizens. If we succeed, we'll never be needed the same ways again.

I've received a lot of criticism (encouragement too) for doing this. But, I knew my son & I knew that we'd be having the same discussions years later if I didn't make the choice for him now. He is FIERCE like his momma - but he doesn't quite know it yet.

He's ready to shine, y'all... Just wait & see!!!


Bless your heart! I'm so happy for you, that your son called and is doing well. You're very brave and I admire you heaps. What a great story! I'm so glad you shared it.
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Old 09-07-2008, 12:40 PM
 
Location: Orlando, Florida
43,856 posts, read 46,300,940 times
Reputation: 58669
I'm glad you shared the story also.

Having a grandchild involved is what always makes a scenario like this difficult. I have an 18 year old with a baby and regardless of her actions...I can't bring myself to tell her to hit the road. I have no idea how long I will have to continue to support them both. She is a good mom, but other than that, she is a typical teenager who has the tendency to be lazy and disrespectful. (Those are nice words for the ones I COULD use!)
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Old 09-07-2008, 04:27 PM
 
6,494 posts, read 10,639,778 times
Reputation: 11010
Way to grow a set, and showing your son how it's done!


Congrats!
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Old 09-07-2008, 05:08 PM
 
Location: beautiful NC mountains!
904 posts, read 2,678,832 times
Reputation: 1267
To the OP...I am so proud of you!!! And of your son.
Something I have always felt is that it is our jobs as parents to raise our kids up so that we can let them go. Getting a job and paying your own way is not fun, but it is empowering.

I have a 19 yr old as well. Sometimes, as parents, we have to make decisions that hurt us. We don't want to kick our kids out and make them grow up so quickly. I can't even imagine doing it with a grandchild involved. How that must have torn at your heart. But sometimes what hurts in the short run is best in the long run. Your son has just learned a powerful lesson in life. He will be better for it.
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Old 09-15-2009, 07:48 AM
 
2 posts, read 5,679 times
Reputation: 18
I have been in prayer for my daughter who is 22 and my son who is 19....they both live in new york by choice....always blaming me for the past and the present as well..too little time to go into right now....I will post later....just wanted you to know that this post was God-directed towards me...reinforces me that I am not alone in this and that if I continue "not enabling" and allowing my kids to make poor choices w/out "rescuing them....By constant prayer and support and IMPLEMENTING TOUGH LOVE....they will hopefully come around....your post is soooo encouraging to me!! Thank you so much for posting this...what a blessing and encouragement! I will refer back to this often)
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