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I need some advice from some parents who have been through this, or people who remember this as an issue when they were a teenager. This is going to be long, so I apologize in advance.
My daughter is 13. She’s tall and while I don’t know how much she weighs, I’m sure that she is at the top of any given healthy weight chart. Nevertheless, she has started to put on weight around her middle and has the beginnings of a spare tire and a muffin top that you can see through any fitted shirt. She’s reasonably happy, has friends and makes good grades. I feel like she and I are very close and that we communicate well. We do argue about things, but I’m trying hard to never yell and to recognize that she’s growing up and needs to make more and more decisions for herself.
I am fairly obsessive about exercise and to a lesser extent, diet, and I always have been. I maintain a healthy weight and work out 4-5 times a week. I try to eat well and prepare healthy meals at home. We sit down and eat dinner together most days of the week. I admit that I have issues about body image, although I’ve never starved myself or gone on any type of a fad diet. I do, however, monitor what I eat. I love sweets and eat them, but try to be mindful of what I’m eating.
My daughter is averse to exercise. She hates to sweat or exert herself physically. She doesn’t want to compete at any sports and doesn’t like to perform. In the past she’s played kickball, been in the elementary school running club, taken dance classes and run a little bit after school with her cousin. She did not enjoy any of it, but did it I think because she wanted to do what her friends were doing and hoped to enjoy it. She says that she wants to have a sport she enjoys, but just has never found anything that she likes.
She loves all things sweet and like most of us, her first choice in eating something will always be simple carbohydrates. While we don’t have a ton of junk around, there is almost always something sweet in the house, although never any soda. We also always have fresh fruit, yogurt, string cheese, and other healthy choices. I don’t police her eating at all and for breakfast she’s likely to fix herself a tortilla with melted cheese, or on the weekends pancakes or french toast. Also, given the opportunity, she eats very large portions at meal times. I know she’s hungry when she gets home from school and I try to get dinner on the table as quickly as possible.
Last fall at one point she got really upset about her belly because it wasn’t flat “like everyone else’s.” I asked her what I could do to help and she said “Don’t buy any more candy” so I stopped buying junk food. Then the holidays rolled around and the house filled up with that kind of stuff. After Christmas she told me that as a New Year’s Resolution she wanted to eat better and get some exercise. I said “Great” and told her I’d support her. We went to a Zumba class but she said she didn’t like it. She hasn’t done any other exercise.
On Sunday we went to the movies. Before we went I bought some candy to avoid the over-priced snack bar. She and her friend and I all had a candy bar and drank water. There was candy left over. That night after saying she was too full to eat any more broccoli/spinach quiche, she headed straight to the leftover candy. I said, “Hey, you were too full to finish dinner and you’ve already had a candy bar today so no, don’t eat any more candy.”
Yesterday she told me that a friend was selling Girl Scout cookies and she asked for money to buy some so I gave it to her. We both had a couple of cookies before dinner and she started in on them after dinner. I told her not to eat the whole box without thinking. She told me that I had been very critical of her lately and I told her that I didn’t know what to do because I want to support her New Year’s resolutions, but I don’t want to be nagging her about eating all the time.
The next thing I know, she’s in tears and saying she hates how she looks and she wants a flat belly and saying she’s bigger than all the other girls (not true) and was generally miserable. I comforted her and told her she looks fine and she’s at a healthy weight, but if she wants to lose the belly she could make small changes that would add up. I told her we’d think about how to work some exercise into her day.
Please note that I have NEVER commented negatively on how she looks or that she’s gained weight or anything about her body. I always compliment her on how she looks as well as praise her for being smart, hard-working, compassionate, etc. Any food comments I’ve ever made have always been about health–how eating sugar makes us want more sugar and that protein and fiber keep you full longer, etc.
My husband, who also exercises and maintains his weight, says he’s not worried about her eating habits as much as he is about the fact that she doesn’t get any exercise. He never criticizes her about how she looks or anything.
So, finally, here’s my question: What’s the best way to support her and keep her healthy? She’s 13 and I don’t feel like I should monitor her eating, but if she grabs a bag of chips after school and eats mindlessly while looking at her iPod, do I say, “Stop eating those, dinner is almost ready?” What about in the candy-eating situation I described earlier? Was I right to say “Lay off the candy?” From what I’ve read, I don’t want to ban anything like candy or chips–that seems to be a formula for creating an eating disorder. But I don’t want to just let her do whatever because if she gains a bunch of weight over the next couple of years it will really be hard to lose it. And I hate the fact that she’s crying about her chubby belly and how she looks compared to the other girls.
Sorry this is so long. I appreciate any and all advice anyone can give me.
I think you are doing all the right things, and the rest is up to her. Keep encouraging her to exercise. Maybe on Tues and Thurs you can go to the gym together, have her bring her ipod and pick her own machine to work out on. She's stuck there until you are done, so keep your workout to about 45 min? Maybe she can just do the eliptical or tredmill? After you guys can stop by the book store or get a cup of tea together and have Mom/daughter time.
Keep the supply of chips/candy to those small lunch size bags. If she grabs one after dinner tell her she can only have one, that they are for school lunches. That way she can't lose track and eat a full size bag!
One thing you haven't mentioned: What does she drink?
At home she drinks mostly water and sometimes chocolate milk. When we eat out (1-2 times a week) she usually has a soda, but sometimes she'll order water. She also loves to go to Starbucks, but I try to limit that to no more than once a week. We've had lots of discussions about soda being empty calories.
I think you are doing all the right things, and the rest is up to her. Keep encouraging her to exercise. Maybe on Tues and Thurs you can go to the gym together, have her bring her ipod and pick her own machine to work out on. She's stuck there until you are done, so keep your workout to about 45 min? Maybe she can just do the eliptical or tredmill? After you guys can stop by the book store or get a cup of tea together and have Mom/daughter time.
Keep the supply of chips/candy to those small lunch size bags. If she grabs one after dinner tell her she can only have one, that they are for school lunches. That way she can't lose track and eat a full size bag!
Thanks for your comments. I told her we'd do some brainstorming about exercise and I'll suggest this.
Why did you buy the Girl Scout cookies and the candy at the movies? How did all the junk get into the house at Christmas?
She's filling up on empty weight-gaining calories because she has that option. Keep the junk out of your house. Don't buy her the calorie-rich Starbucks. There is a way to police her eating without being a nag. Don't bring the items into the house. Don't give her money to buy junk. Don't buy her junk.
What kind of cheese is she making in that quesadilla? Cheddar? Buy non-fat or low-fat white cheese. Choose the low-calorie options.
And, yes, you DO say, "Don't eat that. We're having dinner in 45 minutes."
Have you read the book "Eat This, Not That"? If not you might want to.
You need to disguise physical activities in the name of "family time"
Block an entire day at the zoo, botanical gardens or white water rafting. Get her a camera and divert her attention into natural photography. It's a good hobby. I think she needs something she has to be proud of herself, like an accomplishment. You need to identify that fast
It sounds like you're having reasonable reactions, certainly not going overboard. I asked about her drinks because they are calories that sneak up on you.
My bet, for the belly issue, is that the beverages along with lack of exercise are the culprit. I noticed that some of my friends' little kids (elementary) had bellies that seemed larger than they should be. The one thing that seemed out of proportion to me was the amount of soda they drank. They also indulged in Starbucks with Mom, although they had hot chocolate. But if you haven't checked their calorie counts lately, you should. It is eye-opening.
One of my sons cut out all soda when he started high school football and noticed the teen boys who were strong and worked out daily yet had love handles! He researched it and found a study in Obesity magazine linking sodas to belly fat. I couldn't find the mag online but found an article that references it below.
Personally, I have an arbitrary rule that you should not have Starbucks until you can drive.
If she isn't your oldest child, you already know that her body will change A LOT over the next three years, and the issue may take care of itself. Fortunately, it sounds like you're setting a good example!
Maybe it would help if she started a food diary? Write down everything she eats and then count up the calories. Identify where she made poor choices and help her make different ones. This really isn't all that different from say Weight Watchers, where they make it easy for you with the points thing.
I know that when I shifted gears and wanted to lose weight (I had put on a lot of pounds after years of playing football and then switching to office mode and having kids) outside of exercise, one of the best things I did was join my companies Weight Watchers club. I didn't stick with it for a long time, but learned a lot about portion control and making better choices. I quickly realized that there were very specific things I ate that contained a ton of calories that I didn't realize. My biggest culprit was soda, but cookies and other random things can be just as bad. Some Starbucks drinks have upwards of 500-1,000 calories, as much as an entire meal.
OP, I commend your efforts to be open and discuss this with your daughter while trying not to nag. It seems like you're trying to do a dance of helping her learn to make healthy, mindful choices without having her feel like she's being judged, if that makes sense, and I think it's a tough dance for girls that age.
I like that you are following her lead. You mentioned mindful a few times- it strikes me that you use a mindful approach to eating yourself. Is there any way to incorporate teaching that to her through the course of daily life? one of the most effective ways to become mindful of what we're eating and when is to keep a log (briefly, not forever) just to see what the patterns of eating are. If you are worried that might lead to obsessing over intake, maybe just sharing a few tips like, "when you're eating, just eat" - like not while watching TV, doing homework, etc. I'm trying to think of the name of a book on mindful healthy eating, with a huge focus on health, not weight. I'll come back when I find it.
As for the exercise piece, I hate exercise myself. Has she tried something like a light yoga or swimming, that might seem less exercise-y or sweat producing? Or maybe finding time to incorporate a daily mom and daughter walk?
It sounds like you're doing a ton of things right in a tricky situation, IMO. If you are afraid of DD developing eating disordered type behaviors (thought that might be a subtext in your post; please disregard if I read that wrong) I honestly would just directly discuss that with her. I'm not sure if you've talked with her about your own relationship with food/self image, but she might benefit from knowing that a lot of women struggle with these things in some way shape or form, and if you tell/show her how you've worked your way through, it could be a great positive modeling experience for her.
Hope any of this was helpful, I'm just tossing out the first things I thought of.
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