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Set a trap, i.e. leave a small amount of money laying around [$10-20] and see if it grows legs. If it does, she's gotta go. But, avoid an illegal eviction. Instead, go through the circuit court, file the proper papers, and serve her with a 30 day, eviction notice. Good luck.
Gosh, I love my kids, but I would not tolerate this kind of behavior. Love goes both ways.
Your daughter doesn't seem to have any respect for you. She needs to be dealt consequences for her actions. If you don't want to evict her, then you need to give her an ultimatum. Establish a list of house rules and a clear consequence for breaking each house rule. Write them down, read them together, you both sign them, put them on the fridge or someplace where she sees them every day. And stick to your guns - don't be lenient with her! She is getting away with things that other people would be put in jail for. There are women serving 5 - 7 years in prison for stealing credit cards and ID's... this is no joke. And she needs to understand that.
I'm getting a new DL tomorrow, so that clears that up. But my questions is what can I do with her short of throwing her out. If I throw her out she will be on the streets and she is nowhere near equipped to deal with that.
We have a joint meeting with her psychologist on Thursday. How do I best approach the subject there?
toss her out she will learn real fast .. How ever she has friends somebody will let her couch surf for a bit but you honestly have to be strong and push her out you are enabeling the behaviours if you dont boot her into life with a foot up her arse
the stealing .. she is a thief.. what do you do with theives? you report it and you stop it .. I am sorry its your daughter thats the problem but yanno a "real" daughter wouldnt steal from ya.
and btw there the women shelters ..
I'm getting a new DL tomorrow, so that clears that up. But my questions is what can I do with her short of throwing her out. If I throw her out she will be on the streets and she is nowhere near equipped to deal with that.
We have a joint meeting with her psychologist on Thursday. How do I best approach the subject there?
How did the appointment go? I'm sorry you're going through all of this.
It's amazing what people can do when their back is to the wall. If the daughter knows she will not get thrown out, she has no reason to modify her behavior in any way because the consequences are never life altering. You have said more than once "I can't throw her out" when you mean you won't.
I realize that you think that putting her belongings on the street is cruel so find a cheap, local apartment and pay 3 months up front. Tell her it is now on her to sink or swim. Now she is out of the home and while those three months are ticking away, you can prepare an agreement that she will have to sign if she needs to move back home. If she breaks the agreement, whatever consequence you agree upon should be imposed. If you don't stick to what you say you can look forward to this behavior forever.
It's amazing what people can do when their back is to the wall. If the daughter knows she will not get thrown out, she has no reason to modify her behavior in any way because the consequences are never life altering. You have said more than once "I can't throw her out" when you mean you won't.
I realize that you think that putting her belongings on the street is cruel so find a cheap, local apartment and pay 3 months up front. Tell her it is now on her to sink or swim. Now she is out of the home and while those three months are ticking away, you can prepare an agreement that she will have to sign if she needs to move back home. If she breaks the agreement, whatever consequence you agree upon should be imposed. If you don't stick to what you say you can look forward to this behavior forever.
It could be the biggest favor he could do her. If he "can't" throw her out when she's stealing from him and 18 years old and very dependent, what's going to change? Will she soon be 28 years old and still helpless and still stealing? Next thing she'll be 38 and still just as helpless, then 48, and if she's never expected to get a job and be productive and responsible, what happens if she someday looses daddy and finds herself suddenly on her own?
If she's not working and not in college, now is the best time to get her working.
I think he can lay down the law -- tell her that she is not to steal, if he catches her stealing again, he will pack up her stuff and she will move out.
And if he feels he still has to provide for her, he needs to cut back. Just let her keep her bed and bedroom, and let her eat the food he has available but since she's overweight, he should cut back on what's in the house. Stop the allowance. Don't buy anything else -- if she needs clothes, she might find the motivation to work. If she wants to go out with friends, let her earn the money it takes for that.
She's an adult already, there isn't much more time to parent and teach her.
I feel for you. One of our adult kids (mid-20s) was living with us and took a laptop from us. We suspected she had it, but she kept denying it. When my husband started tracking our home computer network and found that the laptop was being used, he confronted her with the proof. We got the laptop back and she started to straighten out some. She finally started looking for a job. Money was also missing while she lived with us, but we could never prove that she took it. Although we did find some of the missing money in an odd place after we got the laptop back so my guess is that she felt guilty about taking it and put it in a place where we would find it. She also struggles with depression.
Like you, we also didn't feel like we could put her out on the street. But we didn't give her any money, just a roof over her head and food. We felt like if she needed anything more, she needed to work for it. Now, she is working a couple of part time jobs and living on her own. But when she was at our house during the holidays, a book was missing when she left. I asked her about it, but she said she didn't take/borrow it. I know a book shouldn't be a big deal, but ... I wish I could trust her.
Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say that I understand some of the difficulty you're facing. It's not easy.
I'm very sorry for what you're going through and I'm concerned that she may be using harder drugs than weed. At this point, it sounds like you are not safe as long as she is being allowed to continue without consequences. Is there any way for you to get professional help for your peace of mind. Strong prayers sent your way.
SadDad...sorry that your daughter is causing you so much grief...sometimes it's hard to avoid with a head strong 18 year old....I personally would absolutely NOT kick her out...she's your daughter, and if anything she needs your support and guidance more now than ever.....but I definately wouldn't have any qualms about hiding my wallet where I KNOW she won't find it....I hope things work out, and that your daughter matures and becomes a more thoughful, caring person than she is now.....and though at that age the head-space of me, me, me can sometimes be pronounced, most young people DO (with a little more time) become more compassionate.....hang in there!!!
thanks. I haven't been here for a while for a variety of reasons. Here's an update.
After we saw the therapist she started going reguarly and a few weeks ago I thought there was some progress since she admitted to lying and how it developed. However, that was short lived. Her psychologist's office called last Monday to cover her bill. My insurance has a $0 copay, unless you don't show up. The bill was $192. Then they called again this Monday for another no-show. They also canceled her remaining visits and will not see her again. She was distraught on Monday, today not so much. In addition we started seeing a family therapist last week. I had hope last week, but this morning I just want to, I don't know. You see last night she txted me that she wants to change, she's not happy with herself, she's serious about changing, .... She slept over a friend's house (he's kind of my canary in the coal mine, btw it's non-sexual as he is gay - just in case anyone assumed otherwise). She would be home at 8am to discuss some goals, ... Well at 8:30 I get a text that she overslept and doesn't see that as a big deal. Also, that friend left for high school at 7:00. She was going to drive him to school and come home. Well, she is still not home so I'm guessing she was never there. Instead I'm guessing she's over a new friend. He goes to the "troubled kids" HS and his FB profile picture shows a cloud of smoke coming out of a garden hose. I also found her bottle of Wellbutrin on the upstairs bookshelf. It was a 3/7 refill date and there were 29 pills left on 4/2. I know she's not taking her Metformin.
She has Clinical Depression. She also has PCOS and weighs 245lbs, and is now borderline diabetic. She sees an endocrinologist and a reproductive endocrinologist for the PCOS. The issue is that they give her prescriptions based on blood work as if she actually takes the medicine. So at some point they will wind up prescribing her medications that will be detrimental. As a side note I am a Type 1 and Type 2 diabetic and she allows me to see her blood work.
She was seeing a nutritionist that specializes in PCOS. That was $70/visit. She would update me of her visits and what she needed to do. Again, she had gained 7 pounds after starting with the nutritionist. She also saw her twice, skipping the third visit (where I need to pay $70 for a no show) with a rather in depth discussion of what took place.
The last time I checked her CC records she had missed 8 classes, but she showed me notes from the classes so I don't know what to believe.
I don't know what to do or even where to start. I just know this will not end well.
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