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I know someone who's a grown adult in his 30s. He thinks that if he had a much more emotionally & financially supportive father, that he'd have a much better life right now. I've consantly told him that it's an unfair reality of life & that means he'll have to work that much harder in life to succeed, but he seems so focused on his horrendous dad who's done things that a parent should never do (puts him down, is arrogant/smug, shows favoritism to twin brother, etc....the list s endless!)
How can he get this BS w/ his dad out of his mind & focus a lot more on getting his own life together & being successful in life? (He hasn't seen or spoken to him in 5 months by the way.)
Good luck with that- my sister is 62 and still brings up such trivial S@#t from the past that you'd wonder what she'd do if she really had something to deal with. I've been saying I'm glad I'm not her for 40 years now- like Oprah says- you have to rise above your upbringing.
My grandmother used to say, "You cannot make up for the sins of the past. All you can do is start from today and do it right."
His relationship with his father may very well have made him what he is today but HE will make himself what he is tomorrow. If he chooses to blame his dad and do nothing, the fault is his own for the outcome.
That is a hard thing for some people to overcome. My DH had a habit of saying that he was the way he was because he had a harder upbringing. One day I pointed out that he had been living on his own as an adult longer than he lived with his mom. He had had more than half of his life to change things or get over the things he felt he had missed out on.
Don't get me wrong. I think we all have things we wish were different about our pasts. However, it is up to each of us as individuals to choose whether we will let those things define us, or let those things be the inspiration for change in our lives.
I know someone who's a grown adult in his 30s. He thinks that if he had a much more emotionally & financially supportive father, that he'd have a much better life right now. I've consantly told him that it's an unfair reality of life & that means he'll have to work that much harder in life to succeed, but he seems so focused on his horrendous dad who's done things that a parent should never do (puts him down, is arrogant/smug, shows favoritism to twin brother, etc....the list s endless!)
How can he get this BS w/ his dad out of his mind & focus a lot more on getting his own life together & being successful in life? (He hasn't seen or spoken to him in 5 months by the way.)
Thank you!
It is very difficult to overcome this. He will have to work so much harder to overcome it.
One thing I wished I learned early on is that blame, whether placed on another or yourself, is not very productive.
I would be a positive force in his life. What may be difficult about this is finding anything positive about a blamer. However, your friend has done something good for himself. He has kept his distance from his father. He is trying to minimize the negative impact his father has on his life and that takes discipline. IMO, he is doing what it takes to be successful. Even if slow.
I know someone who's a grown adult in his 30s. He thinks that if he had a much more emotionally & financially supportive father, that he'd have a much better life right now. I've consantly told him that it's an unfair reality of life & that means he'll have to work that much harder in life to succeed, but he seems so focused on his horrendous dad who's done things that a parent should never do (puts him down, is arrogant/smug, shows favoritism to twin brother, etc....the list s endless!)
How can he get this BS w/ his dad out of his mind & focus a lot more on getting his own life together & being successful in life? (He hasn't seen or spoken to him in 5 months by the way.)
Thank you!
Sounds like he needs a few sessions with a professional therapist in order to deal with his anger, pain and resentment.
Be a good friend and encourage him to seek some help.
Yes, I agree. Have him see a shrink so he has somewhere to put it. Sometimes the need to let a parent know, especially if that parent doesn't admit to hurting his feelings, is all that's needed. The parent might not even realize it if they aren't a sensitive person and don't let things get in the line of their personal goals.
Everyone is different, he seems like the kind of person who allows hurtles. My husband and his sister where raised in the same home by the same parents and you wouldn't know it by talking to them. His sister is really hung up on it and he barely remembers the specifics. She is always upset about it and he never uses it as an excuse for his behavior.
I just think some people are more sensitive and those that are have a harder time with everything. Regardless of upbringing but especially if it wasn't good. Unfortunately it's not admirable by most to be that sensitive so it creates a snowball effect of bad feelings for them. Life can be rough for those types of people as they see themselves as getting crapped on all the time, best get a little help for it. I don't think it will stop it but at least it will give a place in which to put it if you know what I mean. He might need a monthly session for the rest of his life because he will find other hurtles if this is his personality.
There does come a time when people have to let go of the past and get on with it. Everyone's parents (including my kids' parents!) have done things that, in hindsight, weren't the greatest.
As far as the favoritism issue, almost every kid seems to think his/her parents favored someone else.
He needs a shrink to help him through his issues with his dad.
He also needs a shrink to help him realise that, in his 30's, he's way past the time he should have pulled up his big boy pants and known that his life is HIS responsibility. Not something to blame on Dad.
Or maybe he just needs a kick in the pants and someone telling him he's not nine anymore. That would probably be cheaper.
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