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We were always dead honest with out children (unless they were very small) especially about drugs. I knew kids talked among themselves and my DH and I wanted them to hear about these things from us. Not their 8-year old buddy with a story he'd heard from his older sister.
My kids were pretty young when they had friends whose older sister or brother (or parent!) were in rehab or even on the streets because of drugs. We sat and talked with them about it and answered all their questions. I honestly think it's one reason we never had to deal with them having their own problems with drugs. A straight talk about drugs and addiction and what it does to your body and brain took away a lot of the potential fun and glamor of getting high.
We had adult friends who used and the boys would see them around town. When they asked why they looked bad or were acting strangely we told them the truth. We had to because it was so prevalent.
Had I had a child in that situation, I would definitely had talked to the others about it. (Big sigh of relief and thankfulness I didn't. I've seen parents and children go through un-holy-you-know-what with this.)
If there was a good reason not to disclose something, I wouldn't, but I don't see the value in keeping that information from siblings in that instance. Depending on the younger siblings' ages, a parent doesn't have to be brutally honest, but there's no reason (that I can see) to lie about it either. What if Sis overdoses or winds up in jail? "Hey, where's Maggie? When is she coming home from school?"
The 12 and 14 year olds maybe but i'm not sure the 8 year old will get it. I'd have to play that one as I saw it. The older two already know I'm sure. Why would you let your addicted child move away? Did she go to rehab? That is my question. Is she out alone with no help getting off of the drugs? How old is the one addicted? Sounds like a strange situation to me.
I could ask the opposite question. Why would you let your addicted child stay in your home when you have 3 other children to consider?
The 12 and 14 year olds maybe but i'm not sure the 8 year old will get it. I'd have to play that one as I saw it. The older two already know I'm sure. Why would you let your addicted child move away? Did she go to rehab? That is my question. Is she out alone with no help getting off of the drugs? How old is the one addicted? Sounds like a strange situation to me.
In this case the addict just turned 18, and yes, was sent to rehab out-of-state. It wasn't difficult to keep her siblings in the dark, because her parents own homes in the other state, and the daughter always wanted to go to school there. Unfortunately, she left rehab this week, and isn't answering her phone. I offered to have one of my boys reach out to her, because they have been close, but my friend begged me not to let my kids know to protect her daughter's privacy.
I don't think it's as far-fetched as it originally struck me. I realized that when I get together with my siblings, my older brothers frequently talk about all the trouble they got into as kids, and in most cases I had no idea what they had done.
In my experience, most parents don't spill the beans on their kids. I know a girl recently caught up in some minor vandalism. She had to go to court, make restitution, and do community service. Her younger siblings see only the good example she is setting by volunteering, not the story behind it. Her parents consider it a private matter between them and their daughter.
Perhaps, but that's not really what I was asking. Does a child have the right to an expectation of privacy if they get into trouble or should the siblings be made aware of the problem as a cautionary measure?
I think that question is kind of irrelevant considering the damage done by lying to cover up. But insofar as a person is responsible for their actions, no I don't think that they have that right. They chose to get into trouble. People finding out about it is a natural consequence thereof.
I'm wondering if the parents are more concerned about THEIR OWN PRIVACY and not that of the daughter. They are probably embarrassed and don't want to be judged.
Nobody becomes an alcoholic or drug addict in a vacuum. If my rehab daughter ran away and I had not heard from her I would move heaven and earth, including telling everyone who offers to help I need help finding her. Protecting her life should be at the top of the list- not protecting her privacy.
I could ask the opposite question. Why would you let your addicted child stay in your home when you have 3 other children to consider?
Um, idk, to show them that you can help each other out when there is a problem with someone in the family. But, if she is violent, or something I guess it wouldn't be a great idea. To be honest I haven't had to deal with this in my immediate family but I have a hard time thinking i'd let my daughter go alone to another state and get over something like this without her family. But that is just me I guess. I'd have her by me 24/7. Let the others know she needs extra help right now and we'd do the same for anyone in the family.
In this case the addict just turned 18, and yes, was sent to rehab out-of-state. It wasn't difficult to keep her siblings in the dark, because her parents own homes in the other state, and the daughter always wanted to go to school there. Unfortunately, she left rehab this week, and isn't answering her phone. I offered to have one of my boys reach out to her, because they have been close, but my friend begged me not to let my kids know to protect her daughter's privacy.
I don't think it's as far-fetched as it originally struck me. I realized that when I get together with my siblings, my older brothers frequently talk about all the trouble they got into as kids, and in most cases I had no idea what they had done.
In my experience, most parents don't spill the beans on their kids. I know a girl recently caught up in some minor vandalism. She had to go to court, make restitution, and do community service. Her younger siblings see only the good example she is setting by volunteering, not the story behind it. Her parents consider it a private matter between them and their daughter.
Aw, well, some families have secrets some don't I guess. I think their could have been other good examples from the story. But, to each their own. Hope she's ok.
My oldest sister had major problems beginning in high school. My parents didn't give me details because I was pretty young (around 7-8). So all I got was the generic "she is having some troubles" explanation. There was always that underlying stress because of it (her running away and my parents going off to find her and bring her home and things like that), but I don't think me knowing all the details would have helped anything. I did finally figure it out when I was older, but I didn't say anything to her about it. We would sometimes hang out and do sister stuff (when she wasn't using), so I have lots of fond memories of her teaching me to bake and stuff like that. Yeah, she was screwed up and untrustworthy, but underneath all that somewhere was a decent person that I am glad to have had in my life. Meanwhile, my other sister (between us in age) always knew what was going on and was always judgmental and hostile toward her because of it (which I think made oldest sister feel even worse about herself than she already did and certainly didn't help the situation). So middle sister never had the opportunity to have a big sister, and it's too late now (oldest sister died a few years ago from too many years of an unhealthy lifestyle.)
To finally get to my point.... I don't think that an older sibling's problems should be a secret, and definitely no blatant lies, but parents need to be careful about how much detail to give (depending on age of course) and to try to encourage the other kids to be supportive.
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