Teen not being Sociable (party, punish, support, parents)

[trmc2007]

Recently with our move to a new city and home- our oldest son started in his new high school as a JR. He left his old school and old friends however his GF of 2 years-comes up every weekend and spends it with us.

We have close friends that have kids, and one boy is in the same grade as ours/same school. However, our son is a sociable sports kind of kid and was very popular at his old school. At the new one he is quite literally dragging his heels at making new friends. in fact from the time he is up till I see him when I get home he says he wants to go back to his old school. Commuting is NOT an option here...I repeat I am not adding 60 miles each waay for him to go to his old HS.

He now wants to be home schooled and is just getting more and more anti social. Here is the gripper, we went out of town this past holiday with our friends and thier kids to the River- he has a blast in fact cant wait to go back- but came Tuesday the same stuff- I hate school , I want to go back to my old school.

The kids of our friends say that -- the kids at the new school try talking to him and inviting him to activities but he just chooses to be alone...they wont give up cuz they like him and think he is a slow starter. Drugs and drinking are not a issue here nor is depression. He has excellant grades and is playing baseball etc.... But he is just being obstinate and seems downright willing to ruin his last 2 years at high school just to prove a point on how much he hates his new school now!

I am ready to just say okay-- you want to dig in your heals-so am I. I am not going to be goin gout of my way to bring your GF up here on the weekends anymore until you snap out of it.

Am I just being mean -- frankly I am tired.

[TN2HI]

It sounds like this is a case of "you made my life miserable, I'm gonna make your life miserable". But...

Have you talked to any of his teachers? I would at least touch base with them and let them know the situation. If his grades are good, his teachers more than likely overlook him a lot (sad to say, but the squeeky wheel gets the oil). Ask them to keep an eye on him for a week or so and see what they notice. Double check and make sure there are NO problems at the new school. If there is something that is bothering him there, but he doesn't want to talk about it or acknowledge it, hating the school all together is easy.

Try to understand where he is coming from. Once you've worked to understand his point of view, sit down and talk to him. Did you talk to him about the effect the move would have on him BEFORE you moved. If so, what did you talk about then. If not, appologize for not talking to him. Let him know that moving back just isn't an option (I assume it isn't) and explain why, let him know that you're very sorry that he is so upset about the move, and remind him why it isn't feasible to drive him to school every day (time, gas prices, county laws, etc). But you are concerned about him. And you want him to be happy again. Tell him that you are worried that he is sinking into a depression (even if you're not worried about it), and perhaps schedule an appointment with a psychologist or your pastor/priest/rabbi. This shows that you are willing to take steps to help him enjoy life again, but you aren't going to be backing down any time soon. A psychologist/clergyman would also be an outside opinion, someone your son can confide in and use as a "sounding board" in order to talk out some of the anger.

I would not try "punishing" the bad behavior, as I think your son will end up more angry and resentful. Your best bet is to help him work through it... and that may take time. Good luck!!!!

[Tressa]

How long has it been since the move? Did he grow up in the area that you previously lived in?

If the other kids are trying to get to know him and he is resisting I agree that he is trying to punish you for moving him from his comfortable place.

Is there somebody in the area that could take him in during the school week and he come home for the weekends. We have that happend quite a bit here in Alaska as so many kids can live out in an area where it's a hour bus tavel to school and back.

[Willys]

Emotional pain can come easily at that age, and not even be recognized.

[trmc2007]

Thanks for writing me back with such great advise.

Well, moving back is not an option, we bought out house. We did talk about the move before we did it, and he was ok with it. Once however he started to talking to his old friends they, well you know how kids get.

I didtell him his girlfriend couldnt come over this weekend, he is going to the party tonight angrily and doesnt seem to care that although theparty is for another friend they are bringing more friends in my sons class ( he is Junior) as a welcome to school/neighborhood kind of thing.

It is, I am sad to say a case of making me miserable to prove how miserable he is. My husband (his dad) wants to seeif a therapist will help, maybe get through to him. When we moved here it was still in the middle of the school year so we did the commuting thing everyday from Inland Empire to Garden Grove, long haul. His attitude is- we did it before why cant we now? I said because that was for only 2 months- I cant see doing it for the whole Jr/Sr Year. Living with a friend would also incure added financial expense, we had tried it before (which is why we settled on the commute for the last 2 months) it ran me almost $100.00+ a week on food both for lunch at school, food after practice and food f$ or the parents house he was staying at.

He did say he loved me this morning when I was leaving for work and before the guys came to pick him up. I have no idea what to expect tonight, his friends really are feeling unwanted, and we all know what happanes if you keep puting your hand out in friendship and it keeps getting slapped.

[Inthesierras]

Since his girl friend visits alot, encourage him to take her with him on outings with kids from the new school. That way he is enjoying both worlds. Maybe he just needed an ice breaker.

[Willys]

trmc, counseling may be a good idea but I think I would avoid the idea of a 'therapist'. To me, that implies a 'psychologist' or 'psychiatrist' and something that could create a stigma that may not be preferred at a later date.

I say that because at one time I was having a very unhappy period of time in my life and finally got to where nothing really mattered anymore. I contacted the 'MRMH', the Mental Health group offered by my county. I signed up and attended a counseling session weekly for six months. It was actually sponsored by a Presbyterian church but there were absolutely no 'church' related overtones whatever. Just a meeting room. At the same time, I visited a psychiatrist 3 times. After those three visits and one visit with the Counselor, I determined that my one time $10 visit to the counselor did more for me than my three $60 visits to the psychiatrist. The Counselor's credentials were a Master's in Sociology and proper training.

It doesn't sound like your son is having a 'psychiatric crisis'. Just maybe some trained input from an outside source is what he needs.. Something my high school experiences taught me that schools are not really prepared to handle.

[christina0001]

That's a terrible age for a teen to have to move. I like inthesierra's suggestion, to encourage your son to take his girlfriend to local activities, maybe a school dance or football game. You say he plays baseball; has he signed up for sports at the new school? Also keep in mind that the school year just started...I think it's realistic to expect it to take at least a few months for him to become more open to making new friends. I think as long as you continue to be loving and supportive, but gently reminding him that this is where's he's going to be for the next 2 years, eventually he'll get through it. If he goes to college, he'll have to go through the same thing all over again, so perhaps this will be a good learning experience in the long run.

[trmc2007]

Hey everyone- he called me at lunch and asked if I could Pick up his GF, he wants to take her to the party- then gave me the whole list of Chinese food I am to get at Pick Up Stix on the way home. Sigh.

He plays baseball for the new school bt doesnt feel he fits in, since he is the new kid on the block, with that said when he called me he was laughing with the guys- maybe I over reacted but I was seeing a side of him being so sullen, obstinate and rude that I had never seen before. It really did scare me.

I taked to the hubby and he said same thing, the whole psychiatrist /therapy thing could land him in issues later on when applying for college or work, those mental health questionaires can be misleading, and often like in marriage counseling they see the $$ signs and you wind up worse of when you leave then you did going in.

So as it stand I am heading to garden grove at 5:30 to get his gf to bring her back, get chinese and still make it home by 7:30 so they can go to the party at 8pm.. Do you think kids ever appreciate what we do for them? I know I didnt as a teen but I sure appreciate my parents now! I am exhausted byt the whole thing.

[Willys]

He plays baseball for the new school bt doesnt feel he fits in, since he is the new kid on the block

Maybe just a lack of confidence... new kid, new land, new rules. Girlfriends do help with this sort of 'fitting in' thing.