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I was honestly astounded to receive advice telling me that the expectations of kindness, respect and a degree of gratitude on the part of a fifteen year old, were out of line.
I think the above is really, really funny. An "expectation of gratitude" just kills me. Literally, laughing.
You can expect certain BEHAVIORS which are inherently actions but GRATITUDE is a feeling. To demand certain FEELINGS is just so damn funny. Politeness, sure, but actual gratitude, silly.
Same with kindness, you can MAKE a child behave a certain way that may mimic "kindness" but kindness comes from a motivation that is also inherently an emotion. Demand, expect, stomp you feet all you want but you will never be able to force anyone to feel how you want them to.
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I know that teens test boundaries. And, as parents it is to show them what they are and where they are.
Weird. You seem to think that your daughter having FEELINGS you do not agree with is beyond "boundaries". You have every right to expect certain behaviors but invalidating her emotions is a way to mess her up for life in all of her future relationships.
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That was all. I went on to this forum, because I did not want to speak this frankly with friends about my daughter's behavior, which I see as violating her privacy.
Honestly, I think some of you are off kilter.
If left to his own device, my eldest would eschew college for being a member of a Punk Rock band.
He would also attend the local public school where there have been not one, but THREE machete attacks is the past year.But he is easy.
So you are going to make all their choices for them FOREVER? My daughter wants to major in something that she will not make much money. I encouraged her to really explore that field. I MADE her do two of the most boring internships in that field I could find. She still wanted to do that. She is a person and is thus allowed to actually decide her own future.
Same with your son. If he REALLY wants to pursue a musical career, all you have done is make him miserable. If your son put off college for a year to give a band a shot all you have done is let him pursue his dream. OBVIOUSLY the worst thing a parent could do.
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My daughter tests and tests.
I certainly understand testing limits. I did the same as a teenager, and in my early 20s, I dated a man who was in a punk rock band. My screen name might give you a hint.
However, I did the AFTER graduating from college,
Wow. You seem to be confusing testing limits with becoming independent people. Part of parenting is to let teens make choices, even the occasional bad one, so they can learn from it.
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This is not about politics, Left vs Right, and indeed; my personal political beliefs might not be what you expect.
But kindness, respect for others, compassion, and general ability to treat others as you would wish to be treated - that does not magically happen. It happens when it is taught at the age when a child is most vulnerable to narcissistic ideations. And that's where a life time of misery begins - not only for the child, and for society.
Says you. I have raised four teenagers, 3 siblings and one daughter. I fully expected them to be polite, respectful etc. but I NEVER would have presumed to tell them that they have to FEEL a certain way. My brother HAD to mow the lawn, he had to do it politely but he did not have to fake being happy about it.
Meanwhile, I say that allowing children to have their own feelings, helps to raise happy well adjusted adults. Expect and model good behavior for teens and you will get good behavior. Demand them to fake feelings they may not have, and you will get adults who are suppressed, resentful, and angry.
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Abdication of ones parental responsibilities is irresponsible and it's not a gift to anyone.
BS. Parental responsibility does not include dictating every decision they make, stifling who they are, or telling human being that their emotions are unacceptable.
Expecting gratitude from a teenager, who are biologically programmed to be self centered, is like expecting fish to fly. Model gratitude, and they will eventually come around. Demand it, and they may resent you for a very long time.
I think the above is really, really funny. An "expectation of gratitude" just kills me. Literally, laughing.
You can expect certain BEHAVIORS which are inherently actions but GRATITUDE is a feeling. To demand certain FEELINGS is just so damn funny. Politeness, sure, but actual gratitude, silly.
Same with kindness, you can MAKE a child behave a certain way that may mimic "kindness" but kindness comes from a motivation that is also inherently an emotion. Demand, expect, stomp you feet all you want but you will never be able to force anyone to feel how you want them to.
Weird. You seem to think that your daughter having FEELINGS you do not agree with is beyond "boundaries". You have every right to expect certain behaviors but invalidating her emotions is a way to mess her up for life in all of her future relationships.
So you are going to make all their choices for them FOREVER? My daughter wants to major in something that she will not make much money. I encouraged her to really explore that field. I MADE her do two of the most boring internships in that field I could find. She still wanted to do that. She is a person and is thus allowed to actually decide her own future.
Same with your son. If he REALLY wants to pursue a musical career, all you have done is make him miserable. If your son put off college for a year to give a band a shot all you have done is let him pursue his dream. OBVIOUSLY the worst thing a parent could do.
Wow. You seem to be confusing testing limits with becoming independent people. Part of parenting is to let teens make choices, even the occasional bad one, so they can learn from it.
Says you. I have raised four teenagers, 3 siblings and one daughter. I fully expected them to be polite, respectful etc. but I NEVER would have presumed to tell them that they have to FEEL a certain way. My brother HAD to mow the lawn, he had to do it politely but he did not have to fake being happy about it.
Meanwhile, I say that allowing children to have their own feelings, helps to raise happy well adjusted adults. Expect and model good behavior for teens and you will get good behavior. Demand them to fake feelings they may not have, and you will get adults who are suppressed, resentful, and angry.
BS. Parental responsibility does not include dictating every decision they make, stifling who they are, or telling human being that their emotions are unacceptable.
Expecting gratitude from a teenager, who are biologically programmed to be self centered, is like expecting fish to fly. Model gratitude, and they will eventually come around. Demand it, and they may resent you for a very long time.
Triple yes.
There's a reason they've been complaining about the youth for thousands of years.
I think the above is really, really funny. An "expectation of gratitude" just kills me. Literally, laughing.
You can expect certain BEHAVIORS which are inherently actions but GRATITUDE is a feeling. To demand certain FEELINGS is just so damn funny. Politeness, sure, but actual gratitude, silly.
Same with kindness, you can MAKE a child behave a certain way that may mimic "kindness" but kindness comes from a motivation that is also inherently an emotion. Demand, expect, stomp you feet all you want but you will never be able to force anyone to feel how you want them to.
Weird. You seem to think that your daughter having FEELINGS you do not agree with is beyond "boundaries". You have every right to expect certain behaviors but invalidating her emotions is a way to mess her up for life in all of her future relationships.
So you are going to make all their choices for them FOREVER? My daughter wants to major in something that she will not make much money. I encouraged her to really explore that field. I MADE her do two of the most boring internships in that field I could find. She still wanted to do that. She is a person and is thus allowed to actually decide her own future.
Same with your son. If he REALLY wants to pursue a musical career, all you have done is make him miserable. If your son put off college for a year to give a band a shot all you have done is let him pursue his dream. OBVIOUSLY the worst thing a parent could do.
Wow. You seem to be confusing testing limits with becoming independent people. Part of parenting is to let teens make choices, even the occasional bad one, so they can learn from it.
Says you. I have raised four teenagers, 3 siblings and one daughter. I fully expected them to be polite, respectful etc. but I NEVER would have presumed to tell them that they have to FEEL a certain way. My brother HAD to mow the lawn, he had to do it politely but he did not have to fake being happy about it.
Meanwhile, I say that allowing children to have their own feelings, helps to raise happy well adjusted adults. Expect and model good behavior for teens and you will get good behavior. Demand them to fake feelings they may not have, and you will get adults who are suppressed, resentful, and angry.
BS. Parental responsibility does not include dictating every decision they make, stifling who they are, or telling human being that their emotions are unacceptable.
Expecting gratitude from a teenager, who are biologically programmed to be self centered, is like expecting fish to fly. Model gratitude, and they will eventually come around. Demand it, and they may resent you for a very long time.
^THIS^
A child is not a little doll that grows up to satisfy the dreams of its parents. A child is a real live person with her own thoughts, emotions, goals and dreams. A child approaching adulthood should not be treated the same way she was treated at 5, or 10.
You cannot make a person believe in something. You cannot make a person feel the way you want them to feel. You can certainly require that a child keep a civil tongue but you cannot control their thoughts and emotions.
just my two cents---after having worked with teens in trouble for many years---expecting that your teen will be nasty rude and disrespectful is a detriment to the child--if this behavior is not dealt with consistently in pre teen and teen years---the child grows into an adult with issues that can be detrimental to his/her success--parents need to NOT tolerate negative behaviors simply cause their"hormonally affected"---the teen years are the basis of successful adult years so parents need to be more attentive and not less attentive to behaviors
BTW--the children i saw in dire circumstances did much better when the families returned to church and God--this grounded the teens even more---and sure initially there may have been some resistence in some but parental nudging was part of the success of helping the teen's spirituality---a much needed characteristic for a young adult's success
I agree with everyone who says you can MAKE a child DO SOMETHING but you CAN'T make them do it with a smile on their face and legitimately be happy about it.
You can't force someone to have the feelings you want them to feel, you just can't they can fake it but you can't make them truly feel happy about something.
As long as she does it, why is there an issue? Why does she have to be happy about it too? If it really doesn't make her happy, why should she fake being happy? That's crazy.
I agree with everyone who says you can MAKE a child DO SOMETHING but you CAN'T make them do it with a smile on their face and legitimately be happy about it.
You can't force someone to have the feelings you want them to feel, you just can't they can fake it but you can't make them truly feel happy about something.
As long as she does it, why is there an issue? Why does she have to be happy about it too? If it really doesn't make her happy, why should she fake being happy? That's crazy.
She doesn't have to be happy. She does have to be civil and not disrespectful. Parents who care about their kids and want them to grow up to be responsible adults who can function in society, feel the obligation to provide this tool to them.
She doesn't have to be happy. She does have to be civil and not disrespectful. Parents who care about their kids and want them to grow up to be responsible adults who can function in society, feel the obligation to provide this tool to them.
Wow. You just sorta... came right out and said it, didn't ya?
I was honestly astounded to receive advice telling me that the expectations of kindness, respect and a degree of gratitude on the part of a fifteen year old, were out of line.
I know that teens test boundaries. And, as parents it is to show them what they are and where they are.
That was all. I went on to this forum, because I did not want to speak this frankly with friends about my daughter's behavior, which I see as violating her privacy.
Honestly, I think some of you are off kilter.
If left to his own device, my eldest would eschew college for being a member of a Punk Rock band.
He would also attend the local public school where there have been not one, but THREE machete attacks is the past year.But he is easy.
My daughter tests and tests.
I certainly understand testing limits. I did the same as a teenager, and in my early 20s, I dated a man who was in a punk rock band. My screen name might give you a hint.
However, I did the AFTER graduating from college,
This is not about politics, Left vs Right, and indeed; my personal political beliefs might not be what you expect.
But kindness, respect for others, compassion, and general ability to treat others as you would wish to be treated - that does not magically happen. It happens when it is taught at the age when a child is most vulnerable to narcissistic ideations. And that's where a life time of misery begins - not only for the child, and for society.
Abdication of ones parental responsibilities is irresponsible and it's not a gift to anyone.
Its ok to want a person to act/feel a certain way, I was just saying you can't force it, you can't FORCE a person to feel certain feelings.
And you can't "test limits" in your early 20's. Early 20's is not a child, it is not a minor, there is no such thing as rebelling or "testing limits" at that age. It's called being an adult and making life decisions for your self, if your parents don't like it at that age it's simply a difference in opinion, not you "testing limits".
Get what I mean?
As an adult you don't make decisions your WHOLE life that appease your parents, once you're an adult you live your life how you see fit because you're the one who has to live it. You do things that make your life go the path YOU want it to.
It's not disrespectful as an adult to make life decisions that go against what your parents want for you, it's called being an adult and making your own decisions instead of being puppeted your whole life.
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