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I know what it feels like to have an acting out kid and a husband who does not have your back and it is devastating. As the parent, you are trying to instill respect, but when your kid disrespects you and there is no back-up, it is totally disempowering, depressing, and destructive to every single person in the family.
I strongly believe that the answer in this case lies between you and your husband getting on the same page - he needs to know how his lack of support of you is impacting the situation.
First off, you and your husband need to sit down and agree on parenting your daughter the same way. I do not think it's entirely normal. I have a 15 yr old, soon to be 16 who knows better to ever use the "F" word. Somewhere along the line, you let her get away w/ it. It's being consistent and putting your foot down the first time a child disobeys that will make that child understand what won't be tolerated.
My daughter has chores that I have to remind her about. If she ignores me, her ipad/ipod/kindle, whatever she's playing w/ goes on the counter. Repect is enforced in our home. She knows there are consequences to disobedience. Her love in life right now is her horse and riding lessons. She knows if she crosses the line, the first thing to go is a lesson that week.
She does go to church w/ us, but we don't think it a big sin if we have a lazy Sunday every so often and cook a big breakfast and maybe see a movie. Family time is important to us too, and I think God understands. My daughter does not like going to the youth group, so I don't force her to. The church recently had some small home groups start up for teens and I suggested she at least look them over and see if any looked good to her. She ended picking a teen girl's group to try. I told her if she didn't like it after the first time, she didn't have to go. She loved it! The book they're studying is very intense and she doesn't want to put it down. She couldn't wait to go last night to discuss the book.
She will be 16 in a few weeks and didn't want a big party. Instead, we're having a family party and her big gift is flying out to spend Spring Break w/ a childhood friend.
We have to remind her how she sounds sometimes. She may not think she's being sarcastic, but it comes out that way. She's far from a perfect teen and I still have to remind her who the parent is.
I agree with imcurious almost. Pretty much every thing but the catholic age of reason. Im sorry but there is no 7 year old that has an understanding of right and wrong in the real world. And most teenagers dont. One of the huge lesson you learn in life is that right and wrong is not always right and wrong. When you are a kid, its black and white, You can or you cant. It is or it isnt. But in the real world there is more grey than anything. And teenagers brains are not completely developed until they are out of teen years, the part the controls reasoning. That is in NO WAY an excuse for her to treat you any way she wants to. She needs to and with some stricter guidelines to what is expected of her she WILL treat your family better.
For example the game thing with cheerleader. Cheering is very important to her, and in a world that is rapidly changing there are few things she can control. Her brother has a girlfriend and is going away to school. Mom and dad are (should) be expecting more of her. Mom and dad are also spending a lot of time on brother going out into the world. Her little world of school is the only thing she controls so her being upset about you guys going out of town for (yet another??) brother related thing and her freaking out that she was going to miss something important to her was making her lose control of something she controls. So I understand her being upset BUT the way she was reacting and treating you was out of hand and is not acceptable in the real world.
Curse words are only words given power by the fact that they are taboo. Stop letting her think it gets to you, and she will stop. If not then just tell her that intelligent people dont need to curse. The actual words they use have way more power.
Church shouldnt be a battle. Have you asked her what she would like to do instead? If the answer is sleeping in, then tell her she better come up with something else. She has to do the community involvement aspect of church or she has to find a replacement. Maybe she would rather volunteer at an animal shelter. Or community cleanup. Or she can go to church. But youth group is completely pointless if she is going to sit with her arms crossed sulking. It doesnt benefit her and does a detriment to the willing and active participants. Like another poster said, she doesnt have to do what her brother did, they are different people.
She was this way as a toddler and a young child, but firm and consistent discipline, I had thought had ridden her of these head stong and bratty ways. Now they are back.
I picked up on this. They say toddlerhood is the training for teenage years. So the traits are back, but you have been through the training, you already know what to do: Firm and Consistent Discipline.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnaNomus
The normal part is just the haughty, snotty, princess attitude.
Whoa! I don't think it's normal. I think it's an aberration, but a flashy in-your-face one, so the whole generation gets judged. Where do snotty princesses a-la Alexandra Wallace come from??
I have just a few suggestions, one worked for me when I was the foul-mouthed teen and the other worked when I was the mother.
I have a sister much older than me. She heard me showing off with the f-word one time. She sat me down and had a talk with me. She said it made me sound immature, and even worse, it made me sound like I was TRYING to look older, but in fact, made me look immature. Coming from an olde radult that I respected had an impact on me. I won't say that I stopped cursing altogether, but I did curse much less than I was.
The other suggestion is that it sounds like she does have the raging hormones and feels a little left out with so much focus on her brother (who you clearly prefer - don't think she doesn't realize this). Walk with her in the evening. This sounds so simple and simplistic, but for me and my son, it was huge. Something about walking side by side, in darkness, meant that he didn't have the uncomfortable constant eye contact that comes with sitting in the house together. He opened up more on those walks than anywhere else. Tell her you want to get exercise, but don't want to be out at night alone. If she can open up to you about things that are bothering her at school, at home, with boys, whatever, you have a foot in the door to being her friend. Of course, back inside the house, you are Mom The Ruler, but if you are her confidant and friend, it will be harder for her to show the disrespect. Sometimes I would ask, "Is something bothering you?" even when it didn't seem like anything was bothering him. This would start a discussion of a whole issue I wasn't even aware he was dealing with.
Also I have to ask, why are you wanting her to have a Sweet 16 birthday party when she made it clear that she would rather just have the money or some money instead? Why throw her a party if she doesn't want one? There is a battle going on because neither of you are willing to compromise
Also I have to ask, why are you wanting her to have a Sweet 16 birthday party when she made it clear that she would rather just have the money or some money instead? Why throw her a party if she doesn't want one? There is a battle going on because neither of you are willing to compromise
I agree. I don't think you are a weak parent or forfeit your power or whatever if you negotiate calmly and reasonably.
Make sure you don't take your anger and disappointment at your husband out on your daughter. Kids get sucked into marital issues all the time, in often subtle ways, and it isn't fair to them.
It seems as if you really don't like your daughter as a person very much. I'm sure she perceives this, and this alone will limit the influence you have on her thinking and values. (Of course, her behaviour can be changed with punishments, and the worst of it should.) We instinctively protect ourselves from people who find us unacceptable to the core and want to take away our identities and replace them with something "better."
Have you considered going away with just your daughter on a mission or other volunteer trip where you could be together, and she would be confronted by real material and spiritual need and would be required to serve? I am sure she wouldn't like it, but she could probably benefit from it.
One thing that worked with my kids is giving them a budget and letting them pay for the amount they are over budget if they choose. I have boys and when they need shoes I tell them I will pay $70 for shoes. If they want $100 shoes they will have to come up with the difference. They can work around the house, or spend their allowance (they get $100 per month) for the extra money.
Why does she have to go to church? Isn't she old enough to accept or reject religion on her own? Just because you are religious that does not mean your child has to be religious. Go to church without her.
Why does she have to enjoy youth group just because her brother did? She does not need to be him.
Just stop the church thing. She's not into it.
I do think there is a problem but I think you are fighting the wrong battles. Why do you care if she goes to church?
1. I will not ignore the "F" word. It sounds and looks ugly coming out of her mouth.
2. "the Church thing" as you call it will not be stopping. But cheerleading might! I was not nuts about church at her age either, and I told them that I didn't like it. They were fine with that. They listened. Once. Then they told me how it was going to be.
And I AM GLAD! Long after my mother has passes and my father has been remarried, my church has been their to offer spiritual and emotional support. I have met some of my best friends through church.
I am so happy that the gift of faith and the loving community that it has afforded me, is available to me. For that I thank my parents.
3. If you need to ask why this is important to me, you don't understand. You will never understand.
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I was not nuts about church at her age either, and I told them that I didn't like it. They were fine with that. They listened. Once. Then they told me how it was going to be.