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When my sons were growing-up I was really big on trying to make everything "fair and equal" for them. I didn't want to "give" or "do" for one without "doing something" for my other son too...I grew-up as an only child with no brothers and sisters. So I probably wasn't an expert on raising multiple children. But I tried the best I could!...I have 4 cats and I can see that I have a tendency to try to make things "fair and equal" for them. But being this way can lead to guilt at times. And this isn't good...Anyway has anyone else ever dealt with these types of feelings or issues? Thanks!...My sons aren't little boys anymore. I'm just trying to examine my beliefs and parenting style. (Past and present!)
I think we should strive for fair. But fair, in my opinion, is not really about equal. Each child's needs are not the same. To be fair, I should be doing for each of my children what they really NEED. Rather than measuring on a scale of sameness, I try to measure on a scale of what they are in need of.
I am not a parent, but I have seen this with my mom. My sister is much, much older than I am (mom had her at twenty and me at 35), but my mom still tries to be very fair. At Christmas she spends almost the same amount of money and buys similar things. Actually, when my sister was in her twenties, my parents gave her a lot of money for car payments, her kids, and school related things. I was in school so I wasn't borrowing money (even though I'm sure I wasn't cheap! ). Now, my mom will give us money to go out to eat, or she will buy my husband clothes and shoes. We don't ask and we don't need the money, but I think it's her way of evening things out. Also, my sister will still ask for $100 here and there for certifications for work. My mom will send her a check and then send us one. I tell her not to worry about it, but she likes to be fair. Also, mom says that she doesn't want to die and leave lots of money behind her. She says she wants to give it to us now, a little at a time.
Anyway, all that to say that, in my experience, what you did is not strange, your attitude is not strange. I know that other families don't do this. My husband family treats him very differently in part because he is the only boy. The sisters (there are three of them) receive much more money and special favors. Maybe it's because of how I was raised, but I think this is very, very bad. My husband doesn't know any other way so it's normal to him.
I am learning pretty early that, even though I have 2 boys, and they are only 2 years apart in age, they are 2 very different people. I attempt to be fair, but it is obvious already that things may not always be equal.
I have three kids- boy/ girl twins and another girl 2 years younger. For their birthday this year, the boy got an IPad. The girl twin got a bike with training wheels, the younger girl a dolls house. Is it equal? No- the boy got a present costing ten times as much as the girls. Is it fair? Yes- the boy has a severe speech delay and SPD/ autism spectrum disorder, and needed that IPad for home therapy.
Fair is not equal. Example: my boys do not have the same bedtimes; to be equal they would, but in fairness they NEED different bedtimes. To be fair, they share chores. But they are not equal; the younger one cannot reach the high shelves, so his dishes job is different than the older one's.
It extends to presents and other things also.
This is explained in our house daily. And it isn't easy, given that both their father and I are only children.
Thanks for your posts and insights! My sons were total opposites and this was fine with me. I didn't try to make them the "same." And I had things in common with both of them...I think I might have a tendency to "feel too much." I don't want anyone to feel "left out" or "second best" etc...My older son was declared a quote "genius" in kindergarten. My younger son was smart too but he didn't get "singled out" in the same way his brother did. I always encouraged both boys to follow their individual interests and they did. My younger son was interested in sports and music and being an "explorer" out in life...My older son played (or invented) board games and later computer games with his friends...I guess I did okay. But I definitely didn't want either one of them to feel "left out" or "second best." And I'm still this way with all my cats today. I want all of them to feel "loved." I don't want to "play favorites."... Life isn't always "fair and equal." But I guess it helps to grow-up feeling loved for "who we are." Don't you think? Thanks.
I only have 1 kid, so no firsthand experience, but this topic reminded me of something. For my dd's 5th birthday party, I invited a friend of hers, also 5 years old. Her mother called and asked if her 11 year old son could also attend the party. I told her he could. At the party, the mother explained to me that she felt it would be unfair to her son if his sister got to go to a party and he did not. I thought that was very odd that the mom thought an 11 year old boy and a 5 year old girl should be equal. They should have been on two different levels. I had older siblings, and they got to do things I didn't. They got to go places I couldn't. That's just how it was. While I may have wished I could do what they were doing, I understood that they were older, and I couldn't.
I think some things can, and should, be made fair and equal, but sometimes it's not possible, and perhaps kids need to learn that life isn't always going to be fair and equal.
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). Now, my mom will give us money to go out to eat, or she will buy my husband clothes and shoes. We don't ask and we don't need the money, but I think it's her way of evening things out. Also, my sister will still ask for $100 here and there for certifications for work. My mom will send her a check and then send us one. I tell her not to worry about it, but she likes to be fair. Also, mom says that she doesn't want to die and leave lots of money behind her. She says she wants to give it to us now, a little at a time. 
