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My father, my son and I were so close before moving here - he lived maybe 3 minutes away and he was at our house 2-3 times a week if I was cooking and we ate dinner out together at least once.
Often, he would take my son to lunch during the day on summer break - if I were at work.
Their relationship changed drastically when we all began living under the same roof. It just puts so much stress on a relationship; truly, I never would have guessed. Things that would not have bothered them before - are blown out of proportion when it becomes an 'every day' thing.
But we live and learn - they tiptoe around each other - and we all keep the peace.
OH - and OP - comments about your weight are off limits! I told my Dad I wouldn't ask him about his bald head if he didn't keep asking me about my weight. So far ~ so good.
OH - and OP - comments about your weight are off limits! I told my Dad I wouldn't ask him about his bald head if he didn't keep asking me about my weight. So far ~ so good.
LOL, Ringo. That gave me a chuckle. Now if she were balding, that might actually work.
Then you will rob your children of something precious.
While my dad didn't move in with me, he was gracious about us helping him. We set up a schedule so he rarely ate dinner alone and someone called him every day. The man who worked his whole life to care for us, let us care for him. I can't even begin to tell you what that means now that he is gone.
That is very sweet and you go beyond the natural thinking that grandparents want the help. In fact, the underlying truth is it's hard to accept help, it's frustrating to not be who you use to be. Some may think it's hard taking care of a parent but I bet it's hard to be taken care of by your children, especially as you age and don't make the good decisions you think you are making. Sometimes you need to see the glass 1/2 full as you obviously do.
I think for this situation to work - everyone has to be respectful. We bought a house so that my father could have the first floor master and bath - while my son and I are in two kid rooms upstairs.
So, in this instance, we put his needs first and have no regrets.
Many times, I have counseled my son to speak in a more repectful manner to my father. BUT, by the same token, certainly he senses the constant disapproval coming from his grandfather. These two men once enjoyed each others company. Living together has been difficult for them but they have eeked out a compromise somehow and don't spend a great deal of time together. It is what it is. I have given up trying to 'fix' it.
Bottom line, I don't give orders and I'm certainly not taking orders from anyone in this house. I work full-time, cook, clean, and am the captain of this ship. Should the two other occupants of the house wish to step up and earn the income, do the grocery shopping and prepare the meals - then by all means, I'm for it. Though my father is 90 - he is in quite good health and capable of doing much more for himself than he does. The teen-ager could as well.
Yes, things are just different culturally I think. We grow up thinking a different way about parents roles, how respect is won. It's not who is bringing home the money, it's who is older, wiser, has the most years of life under their belt. Those are the most respected. Without this I can see it being an adjustment, I totally understand.
My children know to take the advice kindly, agree nicely. They don't follow everything suggested but they have respect for her age and wisdom. But, American teens seem more independent and stand on their own judgement more from what I see. In my family we are able to just ignore conflict because the rule of respect is there.
Grandparents are sort of used by the younger family members for lessons and advice, it's not as if we take them in off the street and are sacrificing our private space and mind. We accept the old for their stories, the history and to broaden our lives before they go. It's just not looked at as a burden or a person who needs help. They are looked at a different way so the whole dynamic is different.
I wish I could explain it but I really cannot. It's just a different view of the whole situation. I'm afraid I'm not much help when it comes to American family traditions.
When my daughter heres something abrasive from her grandmother she looks at it differently. She says wow, our generation is so much broader than grandmas, she told me I shouldn't cut my hair too short. lol That kind of thing we see as important. Plus, they are taught early to take these lessons from it and not get offended by such talk.
I do wish the op the best though. Sometimes if you just slow down and take the time to see the benefit of an older mind it makes it a bit easier when they take up your time, are slower and need physical help. If you can sit and ask questions about their lives it's like reading a book, it fills you up with a different understanding about them, they can help you see how far generations have come to overcome hardship, prejudice and make you glad for the times we live in compared to them.
I hear people say all the time they wish they could go back to the good ole' days. I think they should sit and listen to some actually stories of the good ole' days and see how different and alike they really were. Grandma or grandpa can be a great living history as cheesy as that probably sounds to most of you. lol
I just wanted to let you know I hear you and can identify. My husband and I took in his mother 12 years ago from a wonderful retirement center because it wasn’t enough for her but she couldn’t live totally independently due to health and finances. She eventually passed away unexpectedly. A more demanding and exhausting woman never existed. We had one son living at home at the time – suffice it to say he got out on his own sooner than we expected due to the intense pressure he felt from my MIL. We had pouting. We had some dementia as well, which only complicated the situation. We had my horrible cooking and terrible choices for menus (as MIL gained 35 lbs.). We had too hot/too cold. We didn’t spend enough time with her or we were crowding her. The furniture was arranged wrong, the wall color was wrong. The kitchen was too small. Everything, everything, was subject to criticism. Nothing really helped – we had a petulant child on our hands most of the time who was 75 years old, while we tried to raise a petulant man-child at the same time. I took a lot of Xanax and my husband worked a lot of overtime.
These are most difficult situations - to show the proper respect and yet not get caught up in the parent-child relationship again – that’s what we finally figured out was going on with us. It’s hard to create a new dynamic after being someone’s child for so long. It sounds easy enough, but it’s not. Sometimes you just feel like you need to revisit your regularly scheduled life as a sane adult again. Totally understood. You’re past the honeymoon period and into real life now. I would say by way of comfort that the first year is the hardest. Just like moving to a new city (or country, LOL!) – it takes a while to find your footing.
Will she travel otherwise? Could you encourage her to go with a senior’s group on an extended bus trip, or perhaps a cruise? They are offered at rock bottom prices sometimes. Although it seems expensive, you really can’t put a price on your own sanity and need to be YOU for a while. It’s not a lot, but having a week to look forward to is sometimes all you need to keep you going.
I’d try to talk with her about the living arrangements and the pressure you currently feel to be everything to everyone. And it may need to be a very frank talk that may produce some tension for a while. All I can recommend on that one is to recognize the time when it is going from an honest discussion to anger, resentment, or hurt feelings. And that’s a tough one too. I missed the mark many times! I hope she has some duties and responsibilities around the house. If the bathroom bothers her that much, then she can keep it picked up. Give teenager some Rubbermaid storage boxes for personal stuff – if it isn’t picked up from the bathroom, Mom can stuff it in those or throw it away, etc. Sorta gets everyone with the program…Mom can keep the bathroom neat and teenager learns to put it all away (something a future spouse will appreciate!).
I notice your siblings’ homes aren’t quite right and neither is yours You may have discuss with her how happy she is in your home…and you may find out she’s not so thrilled herself, at which point some choices would have to be made. It sounds like she does have a life, so perhaps she would be open to some kind of subsidized housing? Is there the possibility that you could get her into a retirement center and let her Social Security pay for that and you subsidize her independent activities? I know, I know - they are very expensive. I’d also try to have a frank discussion with my siblings and tell them what’s going on and that you simply have to have a break. Perhaps they would be willing to travel to your home and stay with mom for a week while YOU slip out of town.
I don’t know that anyone who hasn’t done this before really understands how hard it can be. I have my 80-year-old father living across the street from me now and it is only marginally better than it was with my MIL. With him, though, I am able to throw up my hand and say, “just don’t want to deal with that today, Dadâ€. And go home. I knew better the second time around. I think our kids move out for a reason - there's no home big enough for 3 adults.
The one thing I have figured out – I must have a guilt complex because I take everything to heart that is said to me. I’m learning to build up a tougher shell and try to be more about me….it is hard. Sometimes I have to say, “well, this is the way we do it, Dad†– and when he says we’re doing it wrong, I simply tell him that I will have to cope with the repercussions on the back side, but today we are not dealing with my/my husband’s/my child’s perceived shortcomings. Try to let some of it roll off and realize everyone has an opinion, but not everyone has the right opinion. Fortunately, you do!
That is very sweet and you go beyond the natural thinking that grandparents want the help. In fact, the underlying truth is it's hard to accept help, it's frustrating to not be who you use to be. Some may think it's hard taking care of a parent but I bet it's hard to be taken care of by your children, especially as you age and don't make the good decisions you think you are making. Sometimes you need to see the glass 1/2 full as you obviously do.
It was hard not to with my dad. My dad gave us a gift by allowing us to care for him. He did so with grace and always made you feel that what you did, no matter how little was just what he needed. I hope I remember this when I'm old. I saw many old people who didn't handle needing help with grace. They were bitter over the loss of their independence (do people really think they're going to keep it forever?). Dad treated needing help as just another stage in life. A chance for his kids to give back before he was gone. I really do see having him letting us help him as a gift to us.
Then you will rob your children of something precious.
While my dad didn't move in with me, he was gracious about us helping him. We set up a schedule so he rarely ate dinner alone and someone called him every day. The man who worked his whole life to care for us, let us care for him. I can't even begin to tell you what that means now that he is gone.
My becoming helpless and dependent, becoming like a child would be precious?
I don't think so. I would not like to have my kids viewing me as some opinionated teenager, nor would I want them having to pay for me, nor change my diapers. I do not want my kids giving up careers, marriages, or family vacation trips with their own kids because they have to provide for and pay for me.
My responsibility as an adult is to plan ahead, work and save up money for my retirement. I didn't have children just so I could expect to mooch off of them or use them as my retirement plan.
Families are great but not when the members think of each other as something to just use when they cannot use anyone else.
My becoming helpless and dependent, becoming like a child would be precious?
I don't think so. I would not like to have my kids viewing me as some opinionated teenager, nor would I want them having to pay for me, nor change my diapers. I do not want my kids giving up careers, marriages, or family vacation trips with their own kids because they have to provide for and pay for me.
My responsibility as an adult is to plan ahead, work and save up money for my retirement. I didn't have children just so I could expect to mooch off of them or use them as my retirement plan.
Families are great but not when the members think of each other as something to just use when they cannot use anyone else.
No, your allowing them to help you would be precious to them. My dad did this and, now that he's gone, I see the gift he gave us. He allowed us to give back to him instead of just take. Because he allowed us to give back to him, our childrne watched their parents setting an example of caring for family and they got the chance to have a speical relationship with him. You see, the kid's job was to play dad's favorite game with him...and let him win... What my dad gave to us was precious any way you slice it. I only hope I can accept help from my kids with the grace he did.
My dh's family has your attitude. They don't want to inconvenience anyone. Four years ago, my MIL sold the family cottage rather than accept my offer to spend most of the summer with her (she wintered in Florida and summered in Michigan for years). Instead, she moved into a senior AL center. So, my kids don't get to spend any of their summer with her anymore and when she dies, she'll be someone they saw every couple of years when we could make the trip to Florida. She doesn't get to enjoy the cottage she loved so much anymore or see the friends she has up there anymore, she spends her summers holed up in an air conditioned senior apartment instead of by the lake she loved, and I don't get the chance to help her like I helped my dad. My kids don't see their dad caring for his mom. They see family abandoning family because old people are to be discarded or put away where they won't be a bother to anyone. You know what? I want family to be a bother. I want to be the kind of person who would bother and I want my kids to be too. IMO, something is lost in this attitude that family just lets the AL center take care of parents who took care of us for so many years. Parents do not live forever. My children's memories of my MIL, who has your attitude, will be a world apart from their memories of my dad. The lesson learned about what family is couldn't be more different.
Here's what my dad taught us. Family cares for family. My dad cared for us when we were young and he allowed us to care for him when he was old. My and my children's lives would be less rich if he hadn't. He showed us that getting old is just part of life and there is no shame in needing others. The only shame is when others don't care enough to be there. Allowing family to help is an act of love. You're letting them in instead of shutting them out because you can't deal with not being as strong and independent as you once were. My MIL is doing the same thing. IMO, everyone loses here. Dh, my kids and I would gain much more if she would have, instead, accepted the help that was offered. But she didn't. So my kids will not see their dad care for his mom. They will not even know her when she dies and that is a shame. I'm glad my dad didn't do this.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 03-18-2012 at 08:01 AM..
Yes, things are just different culturally I think. We grow up thinking a different way about parents roles, how respect is won. It's not who is bringing home the money, it's who is older, wiser, has the most years of life under their belt. Those are the most respected. Without this I can see it being an adjustment, I totally understand.
My children know to take the advice kindly, agree nicely. They don't follow everything suggested but they have respect for her age and wisdom. But, American teens seem more independent and stand on their own judgement more from what I see. In my family we are able to just ignore conflict because the rule of respect is there.
Grandparents are sort of used by the younger family members for lessons and advice, it's not as if we take them in off the street and are sacrificing our private space and mind. We accept the old for their stories, the history and to broaden our lives before they go. It's just not looked at as a burden or a person who needs help. They are looked at a different way so the whole dynamic is different.
I wish I could explain it but I really cannot. It's just a different view of the whole situation. I'm afraid I'm not much help when it comes to American family traditions.
When my daughter heres something abrasive from her grandmother she looks at it differently. She says wow, our generation is so much broader than grandmas, she told me I shouldn't cut my hair too short. lol That kind of thing we see as important. Plus, they are taught early to take these lessons from it and not get offended by such talk.
I do wish the op the best though. Sometimes if you just slow down and take the time to see the benefit of an older mind it makes it a bit easier when they take up your time, are slower and need physical help. If you can sit and ask questions about their lives it's like reading a book, it fills you up with a different understanding about them, they can help you see how far generations have come to overcome hardship, prejudice and make you glad for the times we live in compared to them.
I hear people say all the time they wish they could go back to the good ole' days. I think they should sit and listen to some actually stories of the good ole' days and see how different and alike they really were. Grandma or grandpa can be a great living history as cheesy as that probably sounds to most of you. lol
It doesn't sound cheesy; it sounds wonderful - it just does not always play out like that in real life. In your version - the elder is wise, wonderful, self-sufficient, helping in the house . . . factor in some dementia or ALZ . . . The elderly often become 'child-like' not because we have treated them that way but because their brain is affected by illness such as ALZ or the beginnings of dementia.
It's just not all sweetness and light.
I would just caution everyone to know what they are getting into - all generations. Talk about how you will handle things before you move in together. Have a Plan B if it's not working out and NO ONE is happy.
No, your allowing them to help you would be precious to them. My dad did this and, now that he's gone, I see the gift he gave us. He allowed us to give back to him instead of just take. Because he allowed us to give back to him, our childrne watched their parents setting an example of caring for family and they got the chance to have a speical relationship with him. You see, the kid's job was to play dad's favorite game with him...and let him win... What my dad gave to us was precious any way you slice it. I only hope I can accept help from my kids with the grace he did.
My dh's family has your attitude. They don't want to inconvenience anyone. Four years ago, my MIL sold the family cottage rather than accept my offer to spend most of the summer with her. Instead, she moved into a senior AL center. So, my kids don't get to spend any of their summer with her anymore and when she dies, she'll be someone they saw every couple of years when we could make the trip to Florida. She doesn't get to enjoy the cottage she loved so much anymore or see the friends she has up there anymore and I don't get the chance to help her like I helped my dad. My kids don't see their dad caring for his mom. They see family abandoning family because old people are to be discarded or put away where they won't be a bother to anyone. You know what? I want family to be a bother. I want to be the kind of person who would bother and I want my kids to be too. IMO, something is lost in this attitude that family just lets the AL center take care of parents who took care of us for so many years. Parents do not live forever. My children's memories of my MIL, who has your attitude, will me a world apart from their memories of my dad. The lesson learned about what family is couldn't be more different.
Here's what my dad taught us. Family cares for family. My dad cared for us when we were young and he allowed us to care for him when he was old. My and my children's lives would be less rich if he hadn't. He showed us that getting old is just part of life and there is no shame in needing others. The only shame is when others don't care enough to be there. Allowing family to help is an act of love. You're letting them in instead of shutting them out because you can't deal with not being as strong and independent as you once were. My MIL is doing the same thing. IMO, everyone loses here. Dh, my kids and I would gain much more if she would have, instead, accepted the help that was offered. But she didn't. So my kids will not see their dad care for his mom. They will not even know her when she dies and that is a shame. I'm glad my dad didn't do this.
But maybe MIL is happy in her AL. We have some around here that are gorgeous and look fantastic. In my mind, this is where I would be the happiest ~ with friends my own age and lots of activities; outings; happy hours . . . it just appeals to me. Why is that wrong?
Is there a reason that MIL can't come and visit you for a week or two? It's not like they aren't allowed to leave the AL.
Truly, her actions do not seem all that selfish to me.
There comes a time when ALL of us may need more care than a family can provide. Depending on how you age or maintain your health or if you are unlucky enough to develop ALZ . . sometimes it's just too much for a family or one person to provide. Using words like 'discarded' are highly inflammatory IMO.
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Parents do not live forever. My children's memories of my MIL, who has your attitude, will be a world apart from their memories of my dad. The lesson learned about what family is couldn't be more different.
