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My married daughter spends almost all holidays with/at her in-laws. Her husband has a HUGE extended family (it is the second marriage for both of his parents, and there are several full and half-siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts, etc.) We spent Christmas Eve at her house, but she and her DH had to attend the obligatory church service with his family, then go to a cousin's house for a party, then get up at 6:00 a.m. and go watch all the nieces and nephews open presents. (My daughter and her DH are the only childless couple, and I know this really hurt her). Her dad and I were invited to all of the above, but we don't care for church, crowds, or getting up early to watch someone else's grandkids open presents. We just stayed in front of the fire and cracked open a bottle of wine. My daughter wishes she could have stayed home with us. It's not like she doesn't like her in-laws, just in smaller doses. Our holidays when she was growing up were more laid back and quiet, because we don't have that many relatives.
That sounds awfully lopsided, and your daughter could stay home with you, if that's what she wants to do. In fact, she probably should insist that she and her husband skip any one of the in-law events you named to hang out with you.
That sounds awfully lopsided, and your daughter could stay home with you, if that's what she wants to do. In fact, she probably should insist that she and her husband skip any one of the in-law events you named to hang out with you.
We're hoping we can sway her one of these days. She's just so tired of all the hubbub. This Christmas she was really stressed, I could tell. After all the Christmas Eve/morning activities, she had everybody over for dinner at her house (I cooked all of it for her). Compounded with the fact that these relatives she barely knows and doesn't see that often are always asking her when they are going to start a family (they have infertility issues). She had to go through the whole thing again at Easter, though her sister (our youngest daughter) was visiting her for the weekend. When our girls were growing up, we were always untraditional about Easter - we usually took a fun little family vacation somewhere. We hardly ever spent it with relatives.
We're hoping we can sway her one of these days. She's just so tired of all the hubbub. This Christmas she was really stressed, I could tell. After all the Christmas Eve/morning activities, she had everybody over for dinner at her house (I cooked all of it for her). Compounded with the fact that these relatives she barely knows and doesn't see that often are always asking her when they are going to start a family (they have infertility issues). She had to go through the whole thing again at Easter, though her sister (our youngest daughter) was visiting her for the weekend. When our girls were growing up, we were always untraditional about Easter - we usually took a fun little family vacation somewhere. We hardly ever spent it with relatives.
I used to try soooo hard to make sure equal time was spent with my family and my husband's family. Now that we don't live near them, I've realized that there is only so much I can do. There are variables beyond my control. I hope your daughter doesn't make herself miserable through all of her holidays while she tries to make her husband and his family happy.
I used to try soooo hard to make sure equal time was spent with my family and my husband's family. Now that we don't live near them, I've realized that there is only so much I can do. There are variables beyond my control. I hope your daughter doesn't make herself miserable through all of her holidays while she tries to make her husband and his family happy.
Thanks! Her in-laws don't mean to be rough on her - they are very nice people and big family holiday celebrations are important to them. Next Christmas, my daughter and her husband are planning a vacation or cruise to avoid all of it. I'll miss seeing her on Christmas, though, but it will be good for her to get away.
[quote=Coldjensens;23809627]Maybe not controlling, but certainly assuming. Do you always assume the worst from people or just on CD?
Please show me where I said they would be requried, expected, or told to do anything? On what do you base your decision to call me controlling?
end cold quote
funisart:
of the things that you said which are (and I quote):
cold:
When they get maried and have kids, it is going to get a little tight to cram them all into one bedroom for the night, but we will manage. Spouses may think it a little wierd. However potential spouses must get over any aversion to wierdness long before they get to the potential spouse level
The message? We are not a "normal family" We have old fashioned values and you will have to respect those values. We are very close. If you want to win her over, you must win over all seven of us. You must work hard and may eventually be treated like a family member. But first you must show your character. We will try to drive you away. You had better really like her enoguh that it will be worthwhile.
Quote:
Originally Posted by golfgal Why don't you make your son's girlfriends ask you if it is ok that they date your sons???
Becasue:
A. I have old fashioned values and I believe that boys and girls are different. (Clearly equal, but not the same). OR
B. I am a sexist pig.
It all depends on your perspective. Take your pick.
Option 2 - use my method. Threaten to kill any boy who goes near her, or looks at her until the is 18, then go with another option.
You cut that cord and something else might get cut too.
My girls are free to make their own choices, but if you want to win them over, you better get at least tacit approval from Dad. Even in college they stick to my high school rule that any guy must ask me for permission before he can ask them out on a date.
Last edited by funisart; 04-11-2012 at 03:03 PM..
Reason: make sense of the quotes
My parents moved out of state when my kids were little. So we spent every holiday with my ex-inlaws. They did come visit on either Thanksgiving and Christmas and we made a trip for the 4th of July. That was and still is when we all try to get together.
We alternate Thanksgiving each year. One year my siblings go to their inlaws (or stay home) and the next we all get together. Some of us "cheat" and get together every year. lol For Christmas we always get together the weekend after Christmas Day. We started doing that when my siblings started having children. It was hard enough for them to try and see both sides of the family ON the Holiday. But it was torture to try and get the kids out of the house and away from their presents. It works out wonderfully because everyone always comes because we know when it will be and there's really no excuse not to.
Wow. Reading all these variations of how things are done. I'm so grateful. We've been married over 30 years and I come from divorced parents and it's just never been a problem, between my husband's family and having to go see my family and then raising a family of my own. We've somehow managed to work it out through all the years and all the holidays.
I've been blessed with some wonderfully accommodating family members.
We used to, when our kids were all younger, we'd all get together for T-giving, it was the one time of year we'd all try to get together. We'd go camping, rent cabins, do the whole meal, there, on site. A lot of fun. But now that all of our kids are grown and have different demands on their own time, that too has fallen by the wayside. But we all still struggle to find a way to make it happen, yet ..... with everyone's varying schedules and demands on their time, it just isn't really possible anymore.
I got to see, up close and personal, just how difficult it can be though once my daughter married and the demands from his family were put in place. We had helped to move her and he to another state in October one year (she absolutely heartbroken and heartsick, she'd not wanted to move, but he wanted to move closer to where his bio dad lives and that extended family though why, no one is sure, he'd not been raised by him, and was not close to that end of his family. He had struggled with employment here, etc., and maybe it was..... for him ..... a stab at a new/fresh start). So off they went to a new start in another state, about 10 hours away. My daughter was heartsick, being a confirmed homebody. <Did I mention she doesn't care for that end of his family?, but she does love her husband, ... so...>
We helped them make the move in October, about 10 hours away from where we live. Left there to return home, she in tears, me in tears, etc. The little bit that we'd been in town to help her get set up in her household, his family had ..... shall we say .... tried to over-take the whole scene by making demands to go out to dinner, go shopping, (got their feelings hurt because we didn't want to attend a local high school football game) etc. All while our agenda was just to truly help her set up house there, and then we we had to return home, not a lot of time there to enjoy the area.
We left to return home, with promises that we would return for T-giving, at least she'd have that to look forward to. Ahhh, but before long it became apparent T-giving was going to be at his extended family's home, and we were now invited to attend that.
I don't particularly care for my son in law's family, nor does my daughter apparently (but as I said before she loves her husband). So now that it was apparent that his family was going to be doing T-giving and apparently there was this *push* that they attend that, ..... I said to my daughter that wasn't what I had intended, how bout we just go over there for dessert, when we make the trip up that way for T-giving, we'll do the dinner at your house, just us, ...... and then we'll swing by there for coffee dessert later in the day. Well this option caused the war of the worlds. No, it would upset the natural order of things, everyone gathers at that family home for T-giving, it's just how it's done.
I had no intention of making a 10 hour drive up that way, and spending an entire day with folks that I don't particularly enjoy. She loves her husband and as such, has to agree to do these things, but I don't. So I bowed out, me and my husband, told her we'd possibly see her over xmas, or New Years.
She was heartbroken, so was I. The whole thing just a mess. I guess maybe because I've been blessed with family that has always been so very accommodating when it comes to holidays, I have no real understanding of what it is to have *demands* placed upon you by others during holidays.
She and he have now moved back here locally.
But the problems persist even here locally as his family here locally put demands on their time for holidays, and I can truly say my approach to all holidays is "here's what we're doing, join if you like, if not, see ya another day". No pressure, no demands. But she always "wants" to be a part of what is going on within her own bio family, yet her husband's family also wants them, so they spend their entire day going here and there and everywhere. Stresses her out, and make her miserable, and it's really sad to watch it.
Maybe its easy for me to say because I've never had to deal with it, my family has always been so pliable, ...... but I just don't see why it can't be done that she couldn't just say (since it stresses her out so) just say to them, thats not what they are gonna do, and then don't do it. We all live locally here, and see each other pretty frequently, thus my approach of come if you can, if you can't, we'll see you another day, no biggie.
It's just too much pressure/stress, unnecessarily so.
Although my children are now older, and I have a granddaughter who is 6 months old. The holidays are still a very special times for me. With that said I never spend Christmas away from home.
My sister in law who has no children fand or what ever reason every year trys to schedule the gift exchange on Christmas day. And it may sound selfish, but I insist on it being changed every year. One of the reasons is because I think she does this on purpose to upset me. Two days before Christmas every year she goes and finds a Charlie Brown tree and throughs up some decorations. Me, when you walk in my house on Christmas it is feels like Christmas.
It probably sounds selfish to be like this with my in-laws for the holidays but getting together with them is like having a tooth pulled everyday. If the plan is to open presents at 11am and eat dinner at 3pm, you could bet on (and win) that gifts wont be opened until 4pm and dinner wont be until 8pm. Yes, I have a problem with everyone sitting around bored, and hungry and a day that is supposed to be a joyous occasion. This also goes for any other holiday. The holidays are meant to make memories for everyone that your sharing them with. The only memory I have with my in-laws every holiday is searching for nearby fast food restaurants to get something to eat, because dinner is never ready on time.
Maybe not controlling, but certainly assuming. Do you always assume the worst from people or just on CD?
Please show me where I said they would be requried, expected, or told to do anything? On what do you base your decision to call me controlling?
end cold quote
funisart:
of the things that you said which are (and I quote):
cold:
When they get maried and have kids, it is going to get a little tight to cram them all into one bedroom for the night, but we will manage. Spouses may think it a little wierd. However potential spouses must get over any aversion to wierdness long before they get to the potential spouse level
The message? We are not a "normal family" We have old fashioned values and you will have to respect those values. We are very close. If you want to win her over, you must win over all seven of us. You must work hard and may eventually be treated like a family member. But first you must show your character. We will try to drive you away. You had better really like her enoguh that it will be worthwhile.
Quote:
Originally Posted by golfgal Why don't you make your son's girlfriends ask you if it is ok that they date your sons???
Becasue:
A. I have old fashioned values and I believe that boys and girls are different. (Clearly equal, but not the same). OR
B. I am a sexist pig.
It all depends on your perspective. Take your pick.
Option 2 - use my method. Threaten to kill any boy who goes near her, or looks at her until the is 18, then go with another option.
You cut that cord and something else might get cut too.
My girls are free to make their own choices, but if you want to win them over, you better get at least tacit approval from Dad. Even in college they stick to my high school rule that any guy must ask me for permission before he can ask them out on a date.
I understand. You believe that any parent that has rules for underage chidren is "controlling" Then I certainly qualify. Every rule or restriction is "controlling" I do not allow my children to stay out all night. take drugs or drink alcohol, drive without a license and instruciton, shoot at anything other than a target, eat toxic substances. Yes, I am most certinaly controlling in that regard. Children need "controlling." Parents who just let their kids run wild with no rules at all becuase they are too lazy to enforce rules or becuase they want to be their chidlrens freinds, end up visiting their kids in hospitals, rehab facilities or the morgue. Do you let your kids drink gasoline? Telling them no is "controlling" Do you allow them to hang out and drink with kids five years older than they are? Allow 12 year olds to become sex toys for 16 year olds so they can feel popular? Certianly you must allow all of those things, since you so desperately want to avoid being "controlling"
I have seen the results of the laize faire (aka lazy parent) approach that you are advocating and I am not interested in such results. I tell my chidlren not to tough hot burners, not to put doog poop in thier mouths, not to pee on the floor and not to hit their friends with a hammer. In fact I more than tell them, I compel them not to do such things. That is certainly controlling. I also limit their "dating" games when they are children, require that they keep their clothing on in public at all ages through adulthood alnd lots of other rules. I control them by telling them they have to go to school, and they cannot steal food or blue jeans from a store.
By your logic the only way to not be "controlling" is to have no rules at all. (Realistically I think that you are attempting to employ a popular catchphrase used by sheep people who disagree with somone but cannot really figure out why, so they call them "controlling" since it is the most insulting term they can use and really can be applied to anything.). Yes. We have rules in our household, therefore we are controlling. If you are raising your kids with no rules so you can avoid being "controlling" I hope you have a nice time visiting them in rehab.
We do have traditioanl values in our family and our children have chosen to maintain those values as adults. I guess that makes me controlling in your eye. We do believe that girls and boys are not the same. We also believe that boys should act like gentlemen at all times and girls should act like ladies. We think that a young lady should not dress or act like a protitute and a young man should treat women (and everyone) with respect and courtesey. We belive in chivalry and our boys engage in it and our girls expect it. They chose to adopt our positions. So I guess in your eyes, if our kids do not rebel and adopt your values instead, then we are "controlling"?
However in the current context, you indicated that the fact that my children created some family traditions as kids and choose to maintain them even as adults means I am "controlling" That is complete nonsense.
How the fact that our kids decided to stay together in the same bedroom on Christmas and Easter eve and they continue doing that as adults and near adults; or my musing that it will be hard to cram them all into one room if they choose to continue the tradion after they have families, makes me controlling defies any logic at all. If you want to lash out and attack someone go for it, but please at least try to make some sense when you do.
(are you the lady who has a son that hangs out with sleazy girls? That would explain this attack. Sorry, I probably should not have pointed that out).
However I will say that you are pretty good at taking things out of context and misrepsesnting what someone said. Do you work for MSNBC or Fox news?
You need to look up the word sarcasm, and learn to understand it. Do you really think that I seriously threaten to kill anyone? I doubt it, you are proabbly simply posting ou t of context experts in an effort to make me look bad (a bizzarre thing to do on an anonomous web discussion).
Perhaps your eyes were closed when you read through where i said that anyone who took my joking with their potential boyfriends seriously is obviously an idiot and that allows us to help them discern when they are potentially dating a really stupid boy. If a boy comes to ask for a date with my daughter and I am cleaning a gun (if I had one) or setting up a torture machine, or sharpening a sword (if I had one) and he did not laugh at the obvious silliness, he either has no sense of humor or is a complete idiot. My girls do nto want to date guys with no sense of humopr or complete idiots. I am merely helping them discern this early while at the same time conveying a message.
The funny thing is that the fact that we are a very close family. That we are not like a "normal" modern fmaily and that my kids continue to respect and follow rules and traditions even as adults seems to be incredibly offensive to you. This is an intersting physchological phenomenom. I will have to ask my daughter about it she can probably explain it and even give it a name.
Last edited by Coldjensens; 04-13-2012 at 11:24 AM..
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Maybe I just got the idea because
