Are children really incapable of having friendships at 4?

[NEOhioBound]

Originally Posted by nana053

There is nothing wrong with including the whole class *if* that is really what the parent wants to do. I just object to pressuring everyone to do it.

I agree. I also see nothing wrong with letting 3 and 4 yrs old know that not everyone else is going to like them and that they won't always like everyone else. They still need to be friendly, but they don't have to be friends with everyone.

[Penguin_ie]

My girl has had one or two special friends in playschool since she was 3 and a few months. She plays with all her class mates (the girls more than the boys), but she only has one or two girls she wants to meet at the playground after playschool or during spring break etc. My boy (twins) has no special friends, but he's diagnosed autistic, so his social skills are lacking. From helping out in the playschool, it seems at three, few kids had special friends but now, at 4, I'd say about two thirds of the class do. There is no cliquing in terms of bullying/ exclusion of others, jsut a natural drift towards the same people at free play time or in the gym.

[AnnaNomus]

At 3, I remember dd having a new "best friend" every day. Some days she would like a particular kid, the next day not so much. By 4, she definitely had actual friendships. Her "bff" comes around often, invites her places, and I know her grandmother well so we often plan excursions for them. Her closest school friend is a boy. They play together well, and she speaks fondly of him, but I don't know his parents so scheduling play dates is not possible.

As far as inviting her entire class for birthday parties or other events, I wouldn't do it, simply because at age 5, there are the majority of kids my dd likes and gets along with, and those few that she absolutely does not. On her special day, I wouldn't force her to put up with a kid that doesn't even like her. At school she has to deal with it, but not in our home. I do think it depends on the situation though. If it were a small class of kids and I invited all but a few, that would be mean. But in a large class, only picking a select few, I don't think there would be any widespread hurt feelings.

[Zimbochick]

Originally Posted by AnnaNomus

I do think it depends on the situation though. If it were a small class of kids and I invited all but a few, that would be mean. But in a large class, only picking a select few, I don't think there would be any widespread hurt feelings.

I agree with this. My children were in a variety of preschools, but all had small classes, so excluding one or two would have been difficult. A large class is totally different IMO.

[Katarina Witt]

Originally Posted by Zimbochick

The reason most invite the whole class of 4 year-olds in a preschool setting is because 4 year-olds are notoriously indiscreet, and feeling will be hurt. Now obviously some don't care, and some do. It would depend on the precedent and example you wish to set, and how much or little you care about the feelings of the one or two that were not invited.

I think inviting all but one or two is rude. Inviting two or three out of a class, even of 12, is not rude. Invitations should be sent home or hand-delivered to the home.

Kids will talk, but I think the little kids don't attach the same meanings we adults do to not being invited. I think older kids, who do attach a more adult meaning to not being invited, are much worse than little ones about subtly spreading the word about who is and who isn't invited; they also talk a lot about whose parties they are invited to.