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Why exactly did she want her Mother there while your Mother came? Why weren't one of you going to be there? This is confusing.
Your inlaws smoke in their house? And your child goes there? If your wife claims to be concerned about safety and regularly exposes her baby to second hand smoke she does not have a leg to stand on. Seriously - it's time to stop 'stepping back' and start making your feelings and desires known.
I thought it seemed perfectly fine to have her mother there the first day of the MIL visit since the child was not familiar with the MIL.
I disagree. I think the wife wanted her own mother there solely as back-up, to have someone present who is "on her side" and to put her MIL at a disadvantage. It's two against one and is a clear message to her MIL: "You are not trusted, and in fact you are so outside the circle that I need the preferred grandmother here to ensure that your presence doesn't freak out the baby."
In fact, if the MIL is presented in this way (as someone who is so new and strange that we have to have "real" grandma here for reassurance), the situation will be very tense and the "baby" will pick up on these feelings and could start to feel anxiety about this grandmother that she would not normally feel otherwise.
Rational or not, I think the wife has some kind of grudge against the MIL and wants to take every step she can to let the MIL know she is not in the "inner circle."
It keeps the OP's wife in a position of control over the MIL, and any protests from the MIL will be portrayed as harmful to the 'baby."
[SIZE=3]I appreciate the responses. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Aside from the feud between my wife and mom there is no good reason to keep the baby away. Again, I don’t know what was said. My mom bought a car seat and high chair when we visited last Summer- just for our visits. They have been completely accommodating. My mom actually thought the MIL monitor was a trust issue herself and told my wife during their fight “do I have to give you a resume?” My mom doesn’t smoke, drink, is not abusive, doesn’t carry a gun, raised three boys, she watches my cousin’s boys. Now I’m sure she said some things that my wife didn’t like and there is probably a feeling of mutual disrespect for each other. My mother is upfront, my wife is upfront. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]I actually have told my wife I don’t care for the fact that her mom and dad smoke and then carry it all over their home and clothes and our child is over at their home. [/SIZE]
The more I learn, the worse it gets. Don't screw over your mother just to reduce tension at home. Find out what the real problem is, talk about a solution, and implement it...make it like a project. Get this thing solved now.
"Why exactly did she want her Mother there while your Mother came? Why weren't one of you going to be there? This is confusing."
I was working- had to that day. My mom was going to come in on a Friday my wife was going to be at home with my mom and then my wife had a meeting. My wife works part time my MIL watches our daughter a few days a week. So the MIL was going to come over and I guess help at the request of my wife. I asked "why?". My wife said our child felt comfortable with MIL and has only seen my mom a few times in her life. The visit never happened after my wife and mom had a fight over the phone.
They don't smoke in their home- it just smells like ashtray.
I don't understand how the wife can be judged when we do not know her side of the story. I thought it seemed perfectly fine to have her mother there the first day of the MIL visit since the child was not familiar with the MIL. Also, we have no idea what the history is. Could there be safety factors involved? We don't know do we. There could be so much more going on here than what is posted. Often, when we marry, we find once we have children that the parenting styles are vastly different. To care for a two year old takes someone who is really on the ball and maybe there is justification that MIL just isn't. The safety of my children always came first and the feelings of everyone else were secondary.
Until you hear both sides of the story, perhaps it is not safe to give advice.
I see nothing that indicates the OP's Mother will be charged with "taking care" of the child. She only wants to visit. Shows a total lack of respect for an older woman who managed to raise her son to be a husband and father.
This is a young couple and I venture to say that unless this young wife grows up soon, the outlook for the marriage is bleak.
I was working- had to that day. My mom was going to come in on a Friday my wife was going to be at home with my mom and then my wife had a meeting. My wife works part time my MIL watches our daughter a few days a week. So the MIL was going to come over and I guess help at the request of my wife. I asked "why?". My wife said our child felt comfortable with MIL and has only seen my mom a few times in her life.
That actually sounds reasonable. If your child is used to one person as a caretaker/babysitter... it makes sense that your wife would have wanted that person there at least the first day. It sounds like your mother just really wasn't happy about that, and your wife wasn't willing to make a compromise.
It sounds like both your wife and your mother have trouble not being in control of a situation. Your wife especially. This has put you in a tough situation, and made things ugly for the kids as well. It's all very unfortunate.
All you can do is visit your mom with your kids - all of them - on your own and let your wife decide if she wants to join you or not. Don't make it a big deal - it's her choice. Also, you can invite your mom to come visit and let your wife know she can either be there for the visit or go stay with her parents while your mom is there so that she doesn't have to deal with her MIL if that's what she would prefer. Se won't like it but you know what? You don't like it that she can't bury the hatchet with your mother so everyone must make sacrifices for the children in this situation.
But do not allow your wife to control your relationship with your own mother, and do not allow her to prevent your mom from being a grandmother. That's very selfish on her part.
[SIZE=3]Wife and Mom have been going back and forth now for three years. My wife and I are a younger couple with a two year old. My mom and dad live across the country and my wife’s parents live in the same city as us. The tension between my mom and wife has created a situation where my wife doesn’t want to visit and my wife has made it uncomfortable on my parents visiting. We have gone back to visit 1 time in almost two years. I’ve given up on my wife and mom being pals but I am bummed out that my daughter doesn’t and probably will not get to interact much with my family as we spend every holiday with her family. I’m not asking for 3 to 4 visits a year- a holiday and summer visit would be nice. We got Skype to remedy this a bit. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]My mom spoke up about an upcoming three day visit she was going to make- apparently my wife told her that my mother in law would be there the first day because the baby didn’t know my mom well and would be uncomfortable if her mom or my wife wasn’t there. This crushed my mom and my mom spoke up about it and it started a fight where barbs went back and forth. My mom is no angel and my wife is firm- so Type A met Type A. Anyway I was put in the middle and received advice to take my wife’s side although deep down I feel my wife is unreasonable with all this. Now we have a summer party to go to back at my parents place and my wife refuses to go and is not comfortable with me taking the baby. My parents are bummed. My mom has received a lot of support from friends and family on this so now my wife thinks it is her against the world back there. My mom seems more willing to bury things than my wife. They both need to grow up, but I can’t fault my mom for wanting to see her grandchild. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]And I just want our daughter to know my parents, grandparents and brothers better. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Advice is appreciated. [/SIZE]
I think you need to find out WHY she doesn't like your mother. You not getting involved is making it impossible for us to help you. I don't understand how in 3 years you have not found out the reasoning behind all this.
Unless your mother has been somehow abusive or there is a fear that she could be, I think your wife needs to lighten up. If your wife doesn't want to go, I think you should visit your parents and take your daughter.
I normally think a husband should "side with" his wife, not his mother, but it doesn't sound like your wife has any reasonable grounds to try to keep your daughter away from her grandparents. When you say your wife doesn't want you to take "the baby" I picture an infant. A 2 year old is not a baby.
Well we don't really know since he has not a clue on why they don't get along. It is possible there is reasoning behind the fact she does not trust or like his parents. In order to really help he needs to stop sitting on the sidelines and find out.
Your wife is being a dictator with your child and with you. Honestly I would not be surprised if in the future your wife turns into the MIL from hell.
I agree with the prior post that said you should just take the child to visit your parents yourself regardless of whether or not your wife decides to show up. If your parents raised you well and were good parents to you, I think it's shows very badly on your part not to allow them to have a relationship with their grandchildren. Prior to having a child I didn't have the greatest relationship with my MIL but having a baby actually made things better because I always include her on everything. I send my husband's family and my family the same video's, pictures, ect of our child and I try to make sure we visit both families equally.
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