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I have a 12 year old daughter that is a really good kid as well. She heard me reading this to my wife and said "I wouldn't even ask to go". Not because we would not let her, but because she recognizes it as not being appropriate.
But what makes it not appropriate? The portion of society who thinks it isn't?
What about the portion of society who doesn't think anything is wrong with it?
Are they wrong? Or are you wrong?
I am a firm believer that nothing is inherently good or bad, it is what you make of it. (With the exception of harming others in various fashions).
A group of boys and girls hanging out, pulling an all nighter and sitting around a fire and having fun is not inherently bad, it is what those kids do to make the situation good or bad.
Like drinking is not inherently good or bad, it is what the person partaking in drinking makes of the situation. If that person drinks too much it is a bad situation, if that person is responsible, doesn't drink too much and keeps a level head the situation is good.
But what makes it not appropriate? The portion of society who thinks it isn't?
What about the portion of society who doesn't think anything is wrong with it?
Are they wrong? Or are you wrong?
I am a firm believer that nothing is inherently good or bad, it is what you make of it. (With the exception of harming others in various fashions).
A group of boys and girls hanging out, pulling an all nighter and sitting around a fire and having fun is not inherently bad, it is what those kids do to make the situation good or bad.
Like drinking is not inherently good or bad, it is what the person partaking in drinking makes of the situation. If that person drinks too much it is a bad situation, if that person is responsible, doesn't drink too much and keeps a level head the situation is good.
I respect what you are saying, but I think that kids, prior to their brain synapses fully developing, and while I'm still liable to be sued for their mistakes, need more directing than you do.
You philosophy can create a great child-parent relationship, and can also explode into a world full of mistakes and struggles. If kids were all allowed to do whatever they choose, most would drop out of school in about the 4th grade. Sometimes parents need to give them direction. I feel that allowing mixed-gender sleepovers at 14 is setting a precedent that could have negative ramifications in their later teen years. I want my daughter to find it inappropriate to sleep over at a house with boys at that age.
Yeah...I need to relax here. She is a great kid. They all are. This group is either here (eating me out of house and home), hanging out at the park or over at his house either playing pool or sitting around the camp fire.
Now for the other part of my delemma. The girls who plan on lying to their parents to go. I told dd to tell them not to do it. A compromise is a really late bon fire....that may go into the next morning ...followed by a sleep over at our house. Do I tell their parents if they decide to lie to them??? Dd will not be happy with me if I do and she told me in confidence. I'm thinking their parents will say no. One girl never goes home except to sleep. Dd tells me her home life is miserable. The other has a mom who is convinced that the reason she goes to the park every day is to smoke weed . I'm thinking bon fire and sleep over at my house....the question will be what time I pick them up from the bon fire.
Perhaps her parent is like this one:
Quote:
As my mom told me, "I give you my trust. Betray it and you may never earn it back."
<snip>
I don't trust my dd as far as I can throw her. She will, likely, never regain my trust, which I suppose is inconsequential to her since she didn't value it in the first place. She will be, closely, monitored until she is 18. Because she's been clamped down on, she says she's moving out when she turns 18
<snip>
Ask her about having an early curfew and having her phone conversations monitored, her emails checked and her facebook page checked. She thought she was smart and started new accounts but she didn't realize we now record key strokes on the computer. I can play them all back. She won't admit it, but I'm guessing she'd like to go back to the days when her parents actually trusted her. Not that our trust meant anything to her, as, obviously, it didn't but the restrictions are hard for her to live with.
As a parent, it's hard being ashamed of your child. I hope, at least, her sister learns from her mistakes.
Maybe she made a mistake, when she was 12 and now is not to be trusted again ever. That does sound miserable.
That said, I still believe that a compromise, with everyone's parents knowing exactly where everyone will be, that is more age-appropriate for 14, is the best answer. Sex is not the only bad decision kids can make.
Last edited by maciesmom; 04-28-2012 at 12:13 PM..
I respect what you are saying, but I think that kids, prior to their brain synapses fully developing, and while I'm still liable to be sued for their mistakes, need more directing than you do.
You philosophy can create a great child-parent relationship, and can also explode into a world full of mistakes and struggles. If kids were all allowed to do whatever they choose, most would drop out of school in about the 4th grade. Sometimes parents need to give them direction. I feel that allowing mixed-gender sleepovers at 14 is setting a precedent that could have negative ramifications in their later teen years. I want my daughter to find it inappropriate to sleep over at a house with boys at that age.
Inappropriate why?
Shouldn't she be taught to have some self-control and be able to just be friends with a boy?
Why as a society do we keep perpetuating that women and men cannot just be friends? That mixing genders of kids will always result in something bad.
Some kids don't even think of these things being inappropriate because they don't think about doing inappropriate things, that is until we tell them we think its inappropriate and then they start to think about why and then that is when ideas get in their heads.
When my brother was little he used to LOVE rollerblading. He would go outside every single day and skate down the hill as fast as he could. One day he said something about he couldn't wait to get home to skate so he could get some speed. He was talking about skating, he was under 10 years old, he had no idea what drugs were or what "speed" was and would have not known that day at all if my mom hadn't told him that speed was a drug and he shouldn't say that. Kids are innocent but we make them uninnocent by telling them **** like my mom said. If we don't put these ideas in their heads then it'll take longer for them to have them.
I honestly don't think the issue is about what might happen. The issue is about setting up boundaries about appropriate situations. At this sleepover, nothing may happen. But if sleepovers are allowed at 14, what is allowed at 16? It's more the concept than the actual event.
This is a very good point. Where will you draw the line? When she ends up dating one of these kids, or another kid, will that be the end of the sleepovers? Will sleepovers still be allowed, but the boyfriend not invited? How would you know if the boyfriend showed up? How would you know what they actually end up doing at the sleepover?
No one has said they shouldn't be friends. Where are you getting that?
No, you guys are saying no to the sleepover because of mixed-genders and the fear that something may happen between some of them but why even put that idea in their heads when it isn't there with this group of friends to begin with.
Basically saying boys and girls can't be just friends that put into a situation like that they would end up doing something simply because they are males and females together alone over night, when this same group hangs out alone for hours at a time during the day and nothing goes on then either. They are given ample time to have done something already, if they wanted to they would have by now.
No you are putting extremes out there because it suits your idea that children should be allowed to do whatever they want to without restrictions because you feel you were overly controlled as a child. These 14 yo's ARE friends. Not one person has said they shouldn't be. Some situations can be inappropriate for certain ages for any number of reasons. Many parents will feel that co-ed sleepovers are simply a poor situation to put their 14 yos in. Especially considering no parent will be there to supervise and several of the "good" children are willing to lie to do it. Just why? There are plenty of compromises available. And frankly I agree with the poster upthread who said why does every privilege have to be given as soon as a child wants it? What's wrong with having something to look toward in the future. Because "everyone else" is doing it? And why would a parent, who obviously has issues with a child of hers lying, be so willing to excuse and participate in the lies of someone else's children?
No you are putting extremes out there because it suits your idea that children should be allowed to do whatever they want to without restrictions because you feel you were overly controlled as a child. These 14 yo's ARE friends. Not one person has said they shouldn't be. Some situations can be inappropriate for certain ages for any number of reasons. Many parents will feel that co-ed sleepovers are simply a poor situation to put their 14 yos in. Especially considering no parent will be there to supervise and several of the "good" children are willing to lie to do it. Just why? There are plenty of compromises available. And frankly I agree with the poster upthread who said why does every privilege have to be given as soon as a child wants it? What's wrong with having something to look toward in the future. Because "everyone else" is doing it? And why would a parent, who obviously has issues with a child of hers lying, be so willing to excuse and participate in the lies of someone else's children?
Yes, it was because of my mom.
But many of those times I wanted a chance to prove myself, prove that she would be wrong, prove that I was right, that's why I just started doing as I pleased without asking because I knew that she was wrong and I was right, so I went ahead and did whatever and I always ended up right.
And why does everything have to happen in the future though?
Who knows what tomorrow holds? Who knows what will happen?
I always have lived for the present, made memories in middle and high school, tried every sport, nearly every club, went to every dance, took every opportunity to do things with my friends and I worked on my future as it came to me. You build your future as you go along. Even now I live in the present. Cancer runs in my family, I could get into a car accident and lose my legs, anything could happen, I'm not some paranoid weirdo because it doesn't keep me from doing things but it makes me realize that life is way too short and you should make the most of every day and every minute, because when I do get older and all my work has paid off, I will be old and have all these great memories to look back on, instead of focusing solely on my future and when I finally get there not have any fond memories.
If nothing is going to happen between these kids why not? The brother is the guardian, I bet he has rules for his brother or he wouldn't be a good kid. I think the brother would do a good job.
My great grandmother is 93, she was recently in the ER, I call her everyday now, even if just to say hi, my mom doesn't. Who do you think will wish they got to say good bye or talk to her one last time? Not me.
My friends little brother is battling leukemia, he's only like 10 or so now. He may not ever see his teenage years. They never expected that to happen and they don't know how things are going to turn out.
**** happens and no one ever sees it coming, so live for today and when you make it to tomorrow you have something to look back on and smile about in the future.
Yes, it was because of my mom.
But many of those times I wanted a chance to prove myself, prove that she would be wrong, prove that I was right, that's why I just started doing as I pleased without asking because I knew that she was wrong and I was right, so I went ahead and did whatever and I always ended up right.
Did you even read beyond the part about you?
And not everyone would agree that you always ended up right when you balked the rules and did what you wanted.
Last edited by maciesmom; 04-28-2012 at 02:09 PM..
Reason: sp
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...followed by a sleep over at our house. Do I tell their parents if they decide to lie to them??? Dd will not be happy with me if I do and she told me in confidence. I'm thinking their parents will say no. One girl never goes home except to sleep. Dd tells me her home life is miserable. The other has a mom who is convinced that the reason she goes to the park every day is to smoke weed 
