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Well, my parents were both yellers, so they raised a whole new generation of yellers (most of us). I'm one of them. Now they hate when I yell back AT THEM.
Does your yelling work? Just curious. I mostly yell when I've already said something 2 or 3 times have had no response. I yell to they'll hear and respond. In that way, it does sometimes work. It gets their attention. To reduce that kind of yelling I have made an effort to get where the kids can see me, look them in the eye, and be very specific with my instructions. They respond to that much better than me shouting from the other room.
For me, the key was to find something effective to REPLACE the yelling, guilt and shame. Those were habitual to me from my upbringing. Those came out *when I did not know what else to do*. So I figured I needed to learn what else to do. It was not that I did not know I shouldn't yell. It is that when an instance that I needed to respond to arose, I had nothing ELSE. So I picked up a book on limit setting. I used this one:
It was helpful, and I learned a lot. As part of my child care provider required training, I went to a workshop by this author at the recommendation of a teacher friend:
And was like WOA I like this woman. But two hours is not a lot, so I read that book. (About a thousand times by now.) She has a harsh tone that puts some off. But if you can get past that it is good.
I thought neat o, I am learning a bunch of cool stuff. Life with kids is getting easier. I am yelling less. So I kept at it. I read some stuff I liked less or more. But nothing else really popped out as a key one except:
It isn't an easy habit to break, especially when the kids are younger. I found it helpful to walk up to them, look in their eyes, and then tell them what I expected done. If I was talking to the back of their heads it was like they didn't even hear me. We've managed to pretty much eliminate any need to yell around here.
When the boys had to catch the bus to school, I got really tired of waking them up multiple times, and once again found myself yelling upstairs. They finally offered me a deal. If I would stay in bed and not start their day that way, they promised to get themselves up and out on time. It worked.
I used to yell a lot. I stopped because I felt that my kids only listened when I yelled and I felt that I was damaging the relationship between us by yelling all the time. My kids were not unruly, they just did not do what I asked unless I yelled.
This is what I did:
I held a family meeting. I told the kids that I felt that we had gotten into a rut where they didn't listen to me unless I yelled and I was feeling bad for yelling all the time. I told them that I was going to ask them to do something once, and that after that there would be consequences. I was not going to repeat myself and I was not going to yell.
After that I had to remind myself to speak softly when I asked for the kids to do something. They did not respond immediately and went through a period where I had to remind them (calmly and with a quiet voice) that I was no longer going to yell but I still expected them to listen to me. I also asked them if they liked it better when I wasn't yelling so much and they said they did. I used that opportunity to tell them that it was much easier for me NOT to yell if they were listening the first time.
It took a few months for everyone (including me) to be completely used to the change. It is hard to change something that is ingrained but you can do it!!!
This is a great idea. Tell them once, maybe one reminder, then consequence. For me, yelling happens when I've repeated myself so many times. If you provide the consequence before it gets to that point, you won't reach the yelling stage.
This is a great idea. Tell them once, maybe one reminder, then consequence. For me, yelling happens when I've repeated myself so many times. If you provide the consequence before it gets to that point, you won't reach the yelling stage.
Good luck.
I agree, great advice. I've been wondering what to do too. This is a very timely thread, I had a headache and no patience this morning, so I lost it - and then felt terrible all morning.
I do pretty well, but sometimes frustration gets the better of me.
I used to yell a lot. I stopped because I felt that my kids only listened when I yelled and I felt that I was damaging the relationship between us by yelling all the time. My kids were not unruly, they just did not do what I asked unless I yelled.
This is what I did:
I held a family meeting. I told the kids that I felt that we had gotten into a rut where they didn't listen to me unless I yelled and I was feeling bad for yelling all the time. I told them that I was going to ask them to do something once, and that after that there would be consequences. I was not going to repeat myself and I was not going to yell.
After that I had to remind myself to speak softly when I asked for the kids to do something. They did not respond immediately and went through a period where I had to remind them (calmly and with a quiet voice) that I was no longer going to yell but I still expected them to listen to me. I also asked them if they liked it better when I wasn't yelling so much and they said they did. I used that opportunity to tell them that it was much easier for me NOT to yell if they were listening the first time.
It took a few months for everyone (including me) to be completely used to the change. It is hard to change something that is ingrained but you can do it!!!
I think this is great advice!
OP, I forgot to ask what the function or purpose of yelling has for you? That is, we don't do things for no reason, so it's probably being reinforced by something - do you find it is the only way you have been able to get the kids' attention or compliance? If you can figure out "what yelling does for you" or what specific situations you find yourself using it in, it may be easier to find replacement behaviors for it.
Good for you for deciding you want to change something! I think that's a tough thing to do as a parent and an important thing for all of us to look at in our own parenting behavior.
One thing I would say is if your kids have habituated to you yelling, there will probably be a time when anything else you try may seem like it's not working. Try to persevere through that so you don't end up yelling out of frustration if they don't respond immediately to the new technique. Are you looking for suggestions about how to change tone or whole new discipline strategies?
Thank you
I am looking for ways to keep calm so I don't yell and how to be effective without yelling. For example, if I tell ODS to do his homework and I catch him playing with the dog instead for the 4th or 5th time, I would yell at him. I'd like to find a way to deal with this in a more positive, less angry way.
I am looking for ways to keep calm so I don't yell and how to be effective without yelling. For example, if I tell ODS to do his homework and I catch him playing with the dog instead for the 4th or 5th time, I would yell at him. I'd like to find a way to deal with this in a more positive, less angry way.
I think physically going to him, looking him in the eye and telling him, then watching him get up to go do it might work. After a while, hopefully he'll get the idea that you mean NOW and you won't have to be so "on top of him" when you ask.
Having a routine so that he knows when homework time is might work too. I almost don't even have to tell mine to do their homework anymore because they just know.
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