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I put the DS away for now. It's causing too many fights and I don't know how to proceed. MIL said that she just wanted to do something nice for YDS and that some of the games she bought can be used with ODS DS. But I am still frustrated because of the extravagance of the gift, her very vocal reaction about ODS playing with the new one and the fact that she basically ignored ODS when buying all of this stuff. I just don't think it's right.
I put the DS away for now. It's causing too many fights and I don't know how to proceed. MIL said that she just wanted to do something nice for YDS and that some of the games she bought can be used with ODS DS. But I am still frustrated because of the extravagance of the gift, her very vocal reaction about ODS playing with the new one and the fact that she basically ignored ODS when buying all of this stuff. I just don't think it's right.
You or your husband have to say something basically. She either gives the gifts to both, or you take them an regift them, or you won't let her accept gifts. But you have to assert your parental rights over the issue.
Not wrong to be miffed. Actually, I'd be more than miffed. It's strange.
It easily could have been a gift for both brothers, and presented that way, it would be a whole different thing.
I too have an odd MIL. She died several years ago, and I am not upset. My father in law is still living in North Carolina, and practices "abusive gift giving" with my kids, and favors one over the other.
My daughters birthday cards are pulled out of a box of cheap cards that older people seem to keep on hand, where as my son's are name brand and purchased new. They are appropriate for the occasion. For example they will say "To a Terrific Grandson!" where as my daughter just received a birthday card, three weeks late, that was dog eared and had a picture of a little chipmunk in a baseball cap This, for a girl's Sweet Sixteen!
Making matters worse, my daughter is adopted.
He sent my son $100 when he had is last birthday and my daughter $35.
He is not senile, he is just mean and is carrying on in his wife's tradition of passive aggressive behavior and favoritism.
DH's sister does the same thing with gifts, but uses them as opportunities to preach fundamentalist Christianity to my children, sending them books they will never read and cheesy wall plaques.
Trust me, they know just what they are doing.
And your MIL does too. It's more directed at you than it is your son, because these people know it will hurt the mother the most.
Is your husband aware or oblivious? He is the best one to confront them on this. He could say "gifts only on holidays, birthdays and special occasions. They should be of equal value."
Good luck.
I don't understand why anyone would put up with this. Do you actually give the kids these gifts? I wouldn't. Why should they suffer because of some adult's desire to be mean. Cut it off at the pass or maybe it's too late if they are used to it, but I wouldn't let such as thing go without at least addressing it with them so they understand it's not their fault.
MIL was here again today. She wasn't very nice to ODS about YDS sharing the toy. I need to open my mouth already!
YDS played with the DS for quite awhile and ODS asked to play with it. YDS refused and MIL told ODS that he can't expect YDS to give it up. WTF? Luckily she left right after but I Really don't know what to do.
Oh my, Magritte. I feel for you. Your MIL is way out of line. I really do think you need to say something. I might say something like this: "I need to talk to you about something that has me really confused. I don't understand why you bought YDS such an extravagant gift but nothing for ODS. Please help me understand."
I would be miffed as people bearing gifts for my child (especially controversial ones, like video games) should clear them through me...at which point, in this case, the transgression would have been prevented prior to a little child feeling left out or unfavored.
I don't understand why anyone would put up with this. Do you actually give the kids these gifts? I wouldn't. Why should they suffer because of some adult's desire to be mean. Cut it off at the pass or maybe it's too late if they are used to it, but I wouldn't let such as thing go without at least addressing it with them so they understand it's not their fault.
I don't put up with it and my husband is on my side. He has confronted them, both when my MIL was alive, and after. He has also confronted his sister about the religious gifts.
I wished Magritte "Good luck" not in a facetious way, but because she will need it. People who do these kinds of things have an agenda. And often it's to set YOU up. If you don't confront them, they escalate the behavior. If you do, it backfires.
My in laws told my husband that we are wrong to "dictate the gifts" they give and our children "should be grateful" for what ever gifts they get.
They accused us of being greedy and bossy. Some how they are good at twisting things. They also play the "respect your elders" and general "old people" card. They are (were) in their late 70s. Sorry but mean adults come in all ages.
When my DH confronted his sister with an e-mail in which he stated that we respect their beliefs when giving gifts, and do not send them political or religious material (they have sent both to my children) nor do we send books they would think are "evil" (Harry Potter, for example) we do send gifts his nieces and nephews would like.
She never wrote back but interrupted a conversation between my son and father in law and reprimanded my son for some music on his facebook page!
I do not give the gifts to them. They all come by mail. My kids are old enough to open them on their own.
For a while they stopped doing that, sending each kid $100 for Christmas. Then it started again. It was precipitated by, I think; my daughter's confirmation last year. (we are Lutheran and they are Pentecostals and don't "believe in confirmation")
We reasoned with them that it did not matter what THEY believed in, it was a special day for our daughter. They sent, after six months - a religious book about heaven, and a ten dollar bill. Money is not an issue BTW.
These situations are really difficult. They are often good at twisting things and making it seem as though you are an ingrate or your children are spoiled or worse.
DH spoke to MIL last night/this morning. She is coming to pick everything up and take it back to the store. She is angry about this and says that we should just be grateful that our children have grandparents who adore them. Well, number one, you showed that you adore just one of them. Number two, just because you adore your grandchildren doesn't give you a right to (a) usurp parental authority (b) play favorites and (c) act as if your actions or words should never be questioned.
YDS is really upset that he can't have the DS. DH and I are the bad guys in this situation. I don't know if we did the right thing or not. DH did ask MIL to take the stuff to her house for YDS to use there. She said she was just going to pick it up and take it back.
DH spoke to MIL last night/this morning. She is coming to pick everything up and take it back to the store. She is angry about this and says that we should just be grateful that our children have grandparents who adore them. Well, number one, you showed that you adore just one of them. Number two, just because you adore your grandchildren doesn't give you a right to (a) usurp parental authority (b) play favorites and (c) act as if your actions or words should never be questioned.
YDS is really upset that he can't have the DS. DH and I are the bad guys in this situation. I don't know if we did the right thing or not. DH did ask MIL to take the stuff to her house for YDS to use there. She said she was just going to pick it up and take it back.
You did the right thing.
And she got her way - making YOU look like the bad guy.
DH spoke to MIL last night/this morning. She is coming to pick everything up and take it back to the store. She is angry about this and says that we should just be grateful that our children have grandparents who adore them. Well, number one, you showed that you adore just one of them. Number two, just because you adore your grandchildren doesn't give you a right to (a) usurp parental authority (b) play favorites and (c) act as if your actions or words should never be questioned.
YDS is really upset that he can't have the DS. DH and I are the bad guys in this situation. I don't know if we did the right thing or not. DH did ask MIL to take the stuff to her house for YDS to use there. She said she was just going to pick it up and take it back.
I'm so sorry. If it helps, I think you did the right thing by addressing it now before it becomes more habitual. Your MIL's reaction tells me that she is not being all that reasonable. While I understand that she probably feels she was being generous, I agree with you and your husband that it is not her job to override your family rules and to set up a weird dynamic between your kids based on whatever her own issue is.
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This, for a girl's Sweet Sixteen!
WTF? Luckily she left right after but I Really don't know what to do.