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My daughter and grandchild came to live with me (temporarily). (I already raise her 8 y/o solely) She is allowing the babies father to take the child 4 days a week, even on her only day off. When the baby isn't here, she stays at a "boyfriends" house (I guess). Does little around the house to help (other than make a mess). The days the child is here, I cart to day-care, pick up from day-care. Feed dinner, bathe and entertain until "mom" comes home from work (around 8 pm)........father has had a paternity test done. We go back to court next month. Should I suggest he take custody if the child is truely his? What can I do to make my daughter become a "Parent"? Your comments would be welcomed.
Why is she behaving like this? Maybe because you took in her other child she just figures that if she keeps having babies she will have a permanent place with you. How old is the baby? I know that some might not agree with me but you might have her consider adoption for the younger child. If neither parent are able to step up to the plate and be parents there are many childless couples waiting for a baby. It is so not fair to you to have to raise your grandchildren after you have raised your own children. I give her credit for going through with the pregnancy but now she needs to either be a parent or stop having children. I have 3 daughters of my own and I hope to never be in your shoes. I hope she realizes how lucky she is to have your support.
I'm kind of in the same boat and sure don't have any answers how to make your daughter become a parent. I've finally just come to terms my daughter does not want to be the parent or she would. I had to Make her stay here with her son to visit and that didn't work. It was worse on the baby as she was not a willing participant and horrible while she was here. Until she's willing, he's better off w/o her as it was so tramatic for him when she would leave.
He's been with me since birth and a little over 2 now. She was a good mom until he was 6 months old. It went from bad to worse fast. Her "friends" are her priority in her life. Party all night and sleep all day.
Now she's free to be off and gone as I'm not making her spend time with him or nagging her. Since I've not made her see him, she's seen him once in a month now for a few hours.
He asks for mommy seldom now and when he sees her he hardly cares anymore.
He tells her bye and gladly comes with me. Sad, but better for him unless she's willing to act like his mom. I hate it and a whole lot more that goes with it, but it is what it is. I gave up looking for answers as that drove me insane so I just deal with it the best I can for the baby's sake one day at a time.
It's a tough one.
and the ugly part is that when the child get older, you'll be left to explain why mommy didn't want him and should she suddenly take a notion to "want" him, after you've done all the hard work, he may likely want to be with her because he can't help it, all his life he's been yearning for his "real" mommy (regardless of your hard work!) and she'll be out there parading this beautiful child as if she's the one who made him that way.
Maybe you recognised that this child is young enough to still be salvaged, ask your daughter how she truley views you, your roll in all this, when she tells you she knows you've done the right thing.....you only want whats best and so on tell her thats what you want her daughter to feel, to know. Then do what you see fit or what the two of you see fit....theres no denying whats right, so set the grounds for whats right.
Parenting and Grandparenting; What's the difference?
I feel your pain. I was married for 22 years and raised our 3 children virtually by myself because their father was never home. I rarely did anything without my children by my side because I felt it was my responsibility to care for them; not my parents, siblings or friends. I never complained. But I never felt that either set of grandparents should be expected to babysit regularly so I could go out and party. When you become a parent (single or married) your priority is your children and you should not expect someone else to regularly care for them so you can continue to live the life of someone who doesn't have a child.
My 26 yr old daughter moved in with my ex-husband a year ago; specifically to get her life together. Her daughter is 16 months old and receives no child support from her father. My daughter claims she doesn't want to file for child support because she wants to be on good terms with her babies daddy. I am really pressuring her to file, file for food stamps, WIC or any other support she qualifies for so she can live independently. That should be her goal. My ex will be served foreclosure papers any day now and since my daughter has made no effort to live independently, she going to end up back on my door step. We are two people who just cannot live together. When I try to talk to her about it, she apologies that her daughter is a burden to me and says that most grandparents keep their grandchildren the entire weekend because they want to which only implies that I do not want my grandchild. I want to enjoy my grandchild but on my terms; not my daughter's terms.
I am so sick of hearing it. If her father and I were still together then leaving our granddaughter with us for the weekend occassionally may be acceptable. However, we're divorced and both single and in relationships of our own. I waited a very long time to be with someone who loves me and enjoys life with me. We go out alot so I'm not available much. My daughter feels it's my obligation as a grandparent to take care of our granddaughter [presumably so she can do what she wants]. She makes snide comments that I'm always out with my boyfriend and don't have time for my granddaughter. My boyfriend and I don't mind babysitting occassionally but he absolutely refuses to participate until he sees that my daughter is making every effort to live independently and files for child support. I agree. If you want help then start by getting your daughter the financial support she deserves.
Taking my granddaughter for an entire weekend on a regular basis is not going to happen. I stopped having children a long time ago. What is it with our children these days? They want the joy of having a child but none of the daily responsibilities. I just want to cry at times.
If at all possible, I would set ground rules for your daughter to continue living in your home. Reasonable rules. That she continue working, that she participate in doing housework and that she pays you a set amount of "rent" every month. Even if it's only $200 a month, something. If you don't need her financial assistance in meeting your budget, I would put that money away for your grandchild's future in an account with only you listed on it and him as the benefactor once he's an adult. If you don't think that the father would be a responsible enough parent, I would talk to your daughter and him about you being named the legal guardian of your grandson, if your daughter should pass away or abandon her son. What makes me anxious is that she has a boyfriend and no one knows what he's like but we do know that he's accepting of your daughter's lifestyle and lack of parenting and that in itself, is not a good sign.
I think that children need consistency in a loving and nurturing home and you sound like a very loving and nurturing grandmother who cares for your grandson deeply. He's blessed to have you and the father's family who also sounds supportive. It sounds like everyone in his life, outside of his parents, are fine people.
With that, I recommend that you keep the child with you, whether she stays or not. It's not fair that she's burdening you with this, but I think you're the person in the family who can provide the best environment for the child.
If she chooses to move out with her son, I suppose you can't stop that from happening but it sounds like she's greedily taking advantage of the current situation and I don't see her leaving.
I told my story to show similarity with Tressa's story. Today's generation feels that it's our obligation as parents to take them in when they're having problems living on their own. They do not feel they should have to pay rent (even if they have a good paying job) or justify their behavior claiming they're a grown adult and don't need us telling them what to do. My daughter actually told me this the last time she lived with me and refused to pay me $200/mo rent after she agreed to it before moving home.
The point is that our children move home to make their life easier. They have someone else cooking the meals, buying groceries, paying the bills, more freedom since another adult is home with their child and less responsibilities. We make it too easy for them to return home and too comfortable for them to want to live independently.
Tressa...your daughter is taking advantage of you and of the baby's daddy's because he has her 4 days a week which happen to include her days off. My daughter is doing the same. Make no mistake; she loves her child with all her heart. But she's single and lonely which is what is driving her behavior; just like my daughter. If you are always there to take care of her problems, things will never change. The problems only get bigger. My daughter will not live with me anymore because I put my foot down. She has major issues with me because of it but I refuse to be taken advantage of. I'm single and have a life too but I've raised my children. I shouldn't have to raise my grandchild too. It is not our responsibility to make our children's life more comfortable. It's their responsibility to make good decisions for themselves and for their children and to stop running home when life gets tough.
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Parenting and Grandparenting; What's the difference?
