Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It would be easier to provide advice if you were a little more specific with what the issue is. I think if one falls in love with a house that will stretch you to the max financially and cause sleepless nights and high stress, then that should trump the "but this is THE house!"
If it's a smaller matter, then the most important thing is whatever you choose is ultimately agreeable to both of you. You don't have to love the final compromise, but you need to end the conversation in which you make the decision with a promise that neither will say "I told you so" or something to that effect later on. Then stick to it.
Most "intense" discussions are best done after little ones are in bed. As for me...it is really a "cost benefit" issue. I really did not care. Some fights are not worth it. Let him pick the house. Then when anything goes wrong...don't say a word...but he will know. That way you really win in the end.
It would be easier to provide advice if you were a little more specific with what the issue is. I think if one falls in love with a house that will stretch you to the max financially and cause sleepless nights and high stress, then that should trump the "but this is THE house!"
If it's a smaller matter, then the most important thing is whatever you choose is ultimately agreeable to both of you. You don't have to love the final compromise, but you need to end the conversation in which you make the decision with a promise that neither will say "I told you so" or something to that effect later on. Then stick to it.
Well we found a house we both love but the commute is about 5 min longer than DH wanted and the neighborhood is a little less desirable. I have spent a lot of time there as we've considered the place for the last few weeks and decided that for me the positives of this place far outweigh the negatives and the interest rates and market is such that it is not a big financial risk. Although it is near the top of our budget, it will not be a financial stretch where as waiting for a place in a more desirable neighborhood near a train stop would most likely end up in us busting the budget or going through a long short sale process. DH has gone back and forth about the place and I have been pretty steady about wanting it. We entered in to negotiations and got them down to an even more reasonable price. I thought the decision was made and then DH got cold feet. I feel like my hands are tied and he feels like he needs to be 100% sure before he can say yes or even say no. I am so anxious and the conversations have gotten tense because our realtor has been waiting on us to respond.
I have offered to take all responsibility and blame since I am 100% sure but we agree that "I told you so" is not really a place we want to go with this. When I thought the decision was made I told the kids and they know the house well as "the one with the tree house" I just feel like I am being jerked around a bit (and worry about doing the same to them) but I understand my husband needing to be confident in the decision. He keeps thinking "what if we jump on this and something better comes up" But I have been watching the listing for months and feel like I have a good handle on how good of a deal this is.
Is he typically a procrastinator that will just not pull the trigger on other things? I have one of those at home, that's why I ask.
I would sit with him and write a list of pros and cons of both the home itself and why you should/should not make the leap. Sometimes when you have it in front of you and see the scale tipped in one direction over the other it's easier to let yourself jump in with both feet. He can drive himself crazy with what ifs but that won't help him much. I totally get where he is coming from though because I've seen it myself.
Yes, that's him. He is a thinker, very theoretical, he is also a scientist. He wants to know what the right choice is and what the wrong choice is. And he is one to be pretty hard on himself about all of it.
I know this kind of thing is difficult for everyone but I guess I just wanted some examples of healthy ways to work through it. I hate feeling pushy or manipulative. When I started this thread I actually didn't know where he was because he had gone on a walk (without telling me). I assume it's because he felt very pressured, but I too was feeling the pressure to respond to the realtors email. We have since talked, weighed pros and cons again (and read through this forum) and he actually e-mailed the realtor to explain the pause. As of now he seems ready to go through with it again but I am nervous he will back down again and I am also nervous that I really am being too pushy and will regret it if he is truely unhappy there. I am sure the kids and I will love it, and it meets all his other requirements (one of the biggest being a master bathroom), but if he is so unsure, how can I really be sure??
Well we found a house we both love but the commute is about 5 min longer than DH wanted and the neighborhood is a little less desirable. I have spent a lot of time there as we've considered the place for the last few weeks and decided that for me the positives of this place far outweigh the negatives and the interest rates and market is such that it is not a big financial risk. Although it is near the top of our budget, it will not be a financial stretch where as waiting for a place in a more desirable neighborhood near a train stop would most likely end up in us busting the budget or going through a long short sale process. DH has gone back and forth about the place and I have been pretty steady about wanting it. We entered in to negotiations and got them down to an even more reasonable price. I thought the decision was made and then DH got cold feet. I feel like my hands are tied and he feels like he needs to be 100% sure before he can say yes or even say no. I am so anxious and the conversations have gotten tense because our realtor has been waiting on us to respond.
I have offered to take all responsibility and blame since I am 100% sure but we agree that "I told you so" is not really a place we want to go with this. When I thought the decision was made I told the kids and they know the house well as "the one with the tree house" I just feel like I am being jerked around a bit (and worry about doing the same to them) but I understand my husband needing to be confident in the decision. He keeps thinking "what if we jump on this and something better comes up" But I have been watching the listing for months and feel like I have a good handle on how good of a deal this is.
I think they have a highly technical real estate term for this, "analysis paralysis".
I can feel your pain, at some point you've got to do it or you'll lose the deal. OTOH, a deal of a lifetime generally comes along at least once a week. (Although if you've been watching the market then you know what's up.)
Well we found a house we both love but the commute is about 5 min longer than DH wanted and the neighborhood is a little less desirable. I have spent a lot of time there as we've considered the place for the last few weeks and decided that for me the positives of this place far outweigh the negatives and the interest rates and market is such that it is not a big financial risk. Although it is near the top of our budget, it will not be a financial stretch where as waiting for a place in a more desirable neighborhood near a train stop would most likely end up in us busting the budget or going through a long short sale process. DH has gone back and forth about the place and I have been pretty steady about wanting it. We entered in to negotiations and got them down to an even more reasonable price. I thought the decision was made and then DH got cold feet. I feel like my hands are tied and he feels like he needs to be 100% sure before he can say yes or even say no. I am so anxious and the conversations have gotten tense because our realtor has been waiting on us to respond.
I have offered to take all responsibility and blame since I am 100% sure but we agree that "I told you so" is not really a place we want to go with this. When I thought the decision was made I told the kids and they know the house well as "the one with the tree house" I just feel like I am being jerked around a bit (and worry about doing the same to them) but I understand my husband needing to be confident in the decision. He keeps thinking "what if we jump on this and something better comes up" But I have been watching the listing for months and feel like I have a good handle on how good of a deal this is.
I think you just need to give him a push is all. At this point you probably have to just be aggressive about it. He probably will be like this no matter what house you look at. Sometimes one partner does need to lead in certain situations, and in this one i feel you have too.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
more specific
Yes, that's him. He is a thinker, very theoretical, he is also a scientist. He wants to know what the right choice is and what the wrong choice is. And he is one to be pretty hard on himself about all of it.
