My son used my credit card on porn sites, so I grounded him for the entire summer... (punishing, teenage)
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I agree that stealing is not a good plan, and could indicate some issues.
The key word here is "could". I'm not trying to excuse the kid, but credit cards can be a slightly different case than taking actual cash money.
Firstly, he may have been duped into putting in a credit card number, in that he didn't realize it was actually going to be charged. It could have been one of those "free trials" that end up charging your card later if you don't cancel.
Secondly, there are a lot of adults who don't see credit cards as real actual money spending, let alone a 13 year old. I think this is a good moment to teach the kid that plastic is actual cash money, but way more expensive, and have him learn a valuable financial lesson - if indeed that's what happened.
He may just have outright taken it and been fully aware, but there are possible circumstances here where you could teach him some good facts of life, no pun intended - not just lock him in his room for all eternity, and not assume the kid is an outright sociopath from the getgo.
I agree with this. Back in the day, boys looked at porn by sneaking into daddy's workshop in the basement or garage and stealing the random Playboy. Now a days with the internet he possibly was offered a free trial and did not know how it works.
The punishment is very extreme in my opinion and I think the best thing to do is have him work back the money he owes and Daddy having a long talk about the birds, bees and why using the parental credit card is wrong.
I agree that stealing is not a good plan, and could indicate some issues.
The key word here is "could". I'm not trying to excuse the kid, but credit cards can be a slightly different case than taking actual cash money.
Firstly, he may have been duped into putting in a credit card number, in that he didn't realize it was actually going to be charged. It could have been one of those "free trials" that end up charging your card later if you don't cancel.
Secondly, there are a lot of adults who don't see credit cards as real actual money spending, let alone a 13 year old. I think this is a good moment to teach the kid that plastic is actual cash money, but way more expensive, and have him learn a valuable financial lesson - if indeed that's what happened.
He may just have outright taken it and been fully aware, but there are possible circumstances here where you could teach him some good facts of life, no pun intended - not just lock him in his room for all eternity, and not assume the kid is an outright sociopath from the getgo.
This. I see no indication that there is any addiction, or that the kid is some kind of sociopathic pervert. He's a 13 year old boy. He made a mistake. If a REASONABLE punishment is given, he should learn his lesson. If it happens again, I'd start to worry (and I don't mean if he looks at porn again. I mean if he takes your credit card again).
I agree that stealing is not a good plan, and could indicate some issues.
The key word here is "could". I'm not trying to excuse the kid, but credit cards can be a slightly different case than taking actual cash money.
Firstly, he may have been duped into putting in a credit card number, in that he didn't realize it was actually going to be charged. It could have been one of those "free trials" that end up charging your card later if you don't cancel.
Secondly, there are a lot of adults who don't see credit cards as real actual money spending, let alone a 13 year old. I think this is a good moment to teach the kid that plastic is actual cash money, but way more expensive, and have him learn a valuable financial lesson - if indeed that's what happened.
He may just have outright taken it and been fully aware, but there are possible circumstances here where you could teach him some good facts of life, no pun intended - not just lock him in his room for all eternity, and not assume the kid is an outright sociopath from the getgo.
I doubt he was "duped" into stealing his parents' credit card. Not at age 13, maybe a 5 year old but not a 13 year old.
I find stealing from family members completely unacceptable. That one isn't negotiable. If a 13 year old doesn't know yet that stealing is wrong, he's got some fast lessons he needs to learn.
I would never tolerate a 13 year old robbing me in my own house. If you just poo-poo that then you can have some very serious problems ahead. The porn itself is a little different but no parent must supply computers for the purpose of their kid getting porn. There can be rules on how the family computer is to be used. There are ways to enforce them too.
Some porn is just naked ladies but there are some really sick things out there. I also agree with the poster who suggested finding out what kind of porn he has become addicted to -- if it's violent porn, child porn, he may need counseling.
What I don't get is that, if he knows how credit cards work, he should have known he'd get caught. that makes me think he wasn't just maliciously stealing from his parents. He either doesn't understand credit cards, or didn't think he was doing anything wrong. or both.
I doubt he was "duped" into stealing his parents' credit card. Not at age 13, maybe a 5 year old but not a 13 year old.
I find stealing from family members completely unacceptable. That one isn't negotiable. If a 13 year old doesn't know yet that stealing is wrong, he's got some fast lessons he needs to learn.
I would never tolerate a 13 year old robbing me in my own house. If you just poo-poo that then you can have some very serious problems ahead. The porn itself is a little different but no parent must supply computers for the purpose of their kid getting porn. There can be rules on how the family computer is to be used. There are ways to enforce them too.
Some porn is just naked ladies but there are some really sick things out there. I also agree with the poster who suggested finding out what kind of porn he has become addicted to -- if it's violent porn, child porn, he may need counseling.
Malamute, plenty of adults are duped into website trials that require a credit card for sign up. I don't know if that's what happened, but I'd investigate the possibility. IMO, intent matters.
Who said a parent "must supply computers for the purpose of their kid getting porn"? That's a bit extreme.
It should be easy enough for the parents to go back through and find out what he was looking at.
You're making a big leap here on little investigation, on both counts.
I'm with you -- stealing a parent's credit card is not a joke and it's not normal. This kid has serious problems and the parents need to get a hold on it -- there is NEVER any excuse for stealing from family members.
Definitely the computer has to go or at least the unsupervised use of it, you now know this child cannot be trusted, he needs to pay back ever bit of the money he stole and face some serious consequences for that.
It's one thing to find out a 13 year old boy has been looking a naked women and that's rather par for the course but when it comes to stealing, that is a major problem.
It IS normal. Note, saying it's normal does not negate the need to address the issue. AACAP says that stealing MAY be indicative of other issues.
I have (painful) experience with porn/sex addiction and no matter what anyone on this thread tells you it is a real thing and it starts young. Today's teens (and younger) are much more at risk because of the availability of free porn on the internet. (as some have joked about). The ways to determine if this is just acting out and pushing limits or if it is an addiction are related to how compulsive he is.
1) Does he actually seem a little relieved at being "found out"? (this could mean he had been trying to stop on his own)
2) Is there lying manipulation and secrecy involved? (although most kids will try to hide things from their parents at some point, with addiction this turns into a sort of double life and the addict becomes a master of manipulation)
3) Is he craving more and more "hardcore" stimulation? (addiction can not be satisfied and over time it leads into more and more destructive practices. I agree that him using your credit card is a red flag that he may have been looking for something more than what he had already seen for free)
4) Is he noticeably distracted, forgetful, or depressed (I know these are hard to distinguish in teens but think of his "normal" behavior and has it gotten progressively worse)
5) Did the confession come out in layers when you confronted him? (Addicts sometimes block things out of their own memory, or confess everything up to a point until a discovery forces them to confess more)
There are more indicators that he and a counselor would be able to identify and no I do not think counseling is over reacting. Of course you want to steer clear of the attitude "There is something WRONG with him get him to a counselor quick before it's too LATE!" and have more of an attitude of "we could all use a little counsel sometimes, my kid has some secrets and shame, it would be great if he could feel like someone is listening to him and cares about how he's feeling"
I understand that you are angry but your reaction in this situation is VERY IMPORTANT. Locking him in his room all summer will not give him any tools (if he is struggling with addiction) and it communicates rejection and disgust (which is what an addict expects people to feel towards him) Offering counseling (from someone who specializes in sex addiction) and listening to him about the process of how he got started in all communicates the opposite, acceptance, and unconditional love.
You also need to evaluate yourself, you may need to take some responsibility for allowing a 13 yr old boy access to all the internet, time, and credit card info he had to work with. You may need to be HONEST and OPEN with your son about your own sexual feelings and history and make sure he doesn't feel ashamed and alone. Have you talked with your son about your feelings on using porn and your experiences with it?
I ask that other posters please be respectful as I am speaking from experience with an addict and that was part of the question the OP asked. If you don't believe in sex addiction or if you don't think a 13 yr old can be struggling with it fine, but please don't attack my experience.
The addict I am referring to had a situation at only 10 yrs old where he was "caught" but the way his parents handled it caused him more pain and pushed him farther into it. It was not that they over reacted. They removed his materials from his hiding spot and NEVER MENTIONED IT. I do not know if they were thinking "this is just normal boy stuff" or what, but their silence left him drowning in shame. Now he knew everyone knew his secret but they would not talk to him, give him a consequence, offer to listen or relate to him, nothing. He wishes his father had been there for him in some way in that time (even just by being angry and telling him not to do it any more). The silence was just another rejection and isolation confirming his negative self image and pushing him to use more. His addiction got FAR worse before ever getting help and the healing is now a long slow process.
I agree with others that say the punishment you guys have worked up is harsh but the fact that you are addressing character issues with him lets him know you haven't given up on him. That's what parenting is all about. Please look him in the eye and listen to him too. I know one person mentioned that he needs to earn your trust back. I fully agree, and asking him to pay back the money is a great consequence. I think you also should work to earn his trust. If he can trust you with his secrets they may not become so poisonous. You do have an chance to really help or hurt your son here.
What I don't get is that, if he knows how credit cards work, he should have known he'd get caught. that makes me think he wasn't just maliciously stealing from his parents. He either doesn't understand credit cards, or didn't think he was doing anything wrong. or both.
^^^^ This.
I do not think he believe he was going to get caught. IMO I think the child was a bit naive and that he saw free trial and thought oh ok let me find a cc to use.
I have seen this happen before. Not with porn but with online games or apps where a young member of the family gets interested in a trial game and needs a cc to trial it. They take the credit card from their parent and 14 days later it gets charged. The parents are like WTF?? And the kid says I did not know you were going to get charged and I only used it thinking that it would be ok because it was free.
Or when they take their parents mobile phones and download endless apps that ends up being a massive bill.
I found out yesterday that my 13-year-old son has been using my credit card on pornographic websites, and has spent about $90 on porn. Needless to say, my wife and I are furious. As a punishment, we have grounded our son until the end of the summer.
What I don't get is that, if he knows how credit cards work, he should have known he'd get caught. that makes me think he wasn't just maliciously stealing from his parents. He either doesn't understand credit cards, or didn't think he was doing anything wrong. or both.
This can also be a call for help. Kids of all ages do it. Do something you know you will get caught at because you want to stop but don't have the tools. It may have started innocently but he may have seen some very raunchy things (violence, children, etc) and not know what to do with his feelings and physical reactions to them.
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