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I found out yesterday that my 13-year-old son has been using my credit card on pornographic websites, and has spent about $90 on porn. Needless to say, my wife and I are furious. As a punishment, we have grounded our son until the end of the summer. In our district, there is one more week of school left in the school year, so he will be grounded for that week and then for the whole summer. He will be grounded to his room, and will only be allowed out for school, meals, bathroom, and chores. No TV, computer, video games, phone, or friends.
I am just wondering how to deal with this, since obviously he has used quite a bit of pornography and my wife and I are worried he might have a porn addiction. Also, we are wondering if the punishment we have given him is appropriate. I understand it might seem very harsh, but we do want to impress upon him that stealing is very wrong and will always be severely punished. He basically stole 90$ from us and if he had stolen it from someone else, he could have been charged with credit card fraud and sent to prison.
So, is grounding him for the entire summer a good punishment, or should we perhaps shorten the grounding?
Also, we are wondering what do about it if he does have a porn addiction. Does anyone have any advice?
We also are thinking of making him pay back the 90$ somehow, either by selling his video game consoles, or by having him do extra chores around the house and yard for 1$ per hour. Do you think either of those would be a good idea, or do you have any other suggestions?
Thank you in advance.
My only advice to you is make him sell his stuff to pay you back. That will hit home the hardest.
As for the length of punishment, I was grounded for six months for a much, much, MUCH lesser crime so I think the entire summer is ok.
And I also agree with you taking away the phone, internet and t.v. Make that punishment hurt. However, if you don't have any books in your house, he should be allowed to go to the library, with one of you, to get some books to read because, what else is he going to do in his room all summer long with no t.v., phone or internet?
I think the issue is that he stole a credit card from his father for the purpose of looking at porn. It's one thing for a 13 year old to just get curious and look at porn on the internet, but the fact that he stole for that purpose is disturbing. When people resort to stealing, it can sometimes signal problems, like addiction. My guess would be he's already seen all the "free" internet porn there is, and decided to steal the credit card so that he can see more. I don't think counseling is a bad idea, or at least sitting down with the kid and trying to figure out why, and if he really has a problem. But I do think grounding for the entire summer is a bad idea, especially restricted to his room. Until the parents get to the root of the problem, it is not going to go away no matter how long they lock him in his room.
It could just be he is 13 and stupid. You also have to understand that a lot of these sites are shady and will charge you multiple times. It's entirely possible he joined one site and just got charged a few times.
It could just be he is 13 and stupid. You also have to understand that a lot of these sites are shady and will charge you multiple times. It's entirely possible he joined one site and just got charged a few times.
ya, this is way more likely than having seen "all the free internet porn". Is that even possible?
IMO, the OP needs to have a discussion with the 13 yo and figure out quite a few things before jumping to conclusions of patterns of theft or escalating porn usage. I would ask a lot of open ended questions and try to refrain from judging in the moment to see exactly what the extent of the behavior is and what the 13 yo has to say about the "why" (curiosity, questions, something he spends a lot of time doing, trying to be sneaky, is he feeling guilty or ashamed, etc). The taking the credit card is the more egregious of the two behaviors IMO based on what the OP posted, certainly a punishment involving repaying the money with interest would be warranted. I suppose I am saying I would assess quite a bit more before concluding that this is an addiction or budding conduct disordered behavior. There is a difference between making mistakes based on poor judgment (ETA: which still requires parental intervention/appropriate consequences) and having an escalating set of problems requiring professional intervention. How one handles this situation depends quite a bit on which of the two it is. JMHO.
Last edited by eastwesteastagain; 05-21-2012 at 09:14 AM..
Well I do hope the OP comes back and it was an honest post! I agree that a 13 yo will look for naked ladies when he can, but what is available gets much worse and crosses a lot of basic human moral lines. Parents should be HONEST and aware of how far their children are going. I can not stress the importance of talking to your kids about sex so they don't feel like an alien. Shame is a death trap.
Agree with this!
I am really surprised because the OP is the dad and he should have been a bit more (probably not the right word) sympathetic to what his son was doing and why. He needs to have a long conversation with him. Shaming him is not the way to go.
Also to the poster about lobotimized hormones. Very true.
I cannot stress enough about talking to your child.
he should be allowed to go to the library, with one of you, to get some books to read because, what else is he going to do in his room all summer long with no t.v., phone or internet?
"I'm proud of you son. Reading will keep you busy."
"Thanks Dad. This Henry Miller guy is really interesting."
I agree that the punishment is too harsh. Just have your son do some work, earn a little bit of money and pay you back. Then ground him for a month. Let him know that what he did was wrong. You also need to be strict and firm with him but fair. Another thing would be to install some kind of blocking program on the computer.
Your son's punishment is minor to what happened to me, I got beat up my mother then she banned me from the computer for 3 months. I'll never watch it again...that happened 3 years ago when I was 16. It was literally almost like the scene from Mommie Dearest when Joan got upset about the wire hanger. But of course, I can understand why my mother was mad at me, especially with her being a teacher. If someone found out what I was doing, she said she could have been fired.
Yeah i think that's pretty much impossible unless they found out she was supplying you with it.
I am surprised though that the OP did not have something that monitors the internet for such sites or a family thingy on it. I can't think of the word.
That stuff only really works for younger kids. Once someone hits their teens it's pretty easy to find ways to bypass it.
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