Grandma in a quandry (punishment, toys, parents, wife)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
trying to make this short....Since Christmas I've been taking a break from my relationship with my adult son...who is 37. We've had a bad couple of years. My DIL has always been very distant. My son had a bad injury and last year many surgeries. He has been a heavy recreational drinker and pot smoker. Last year he was not able to use any mood altering stuff and "repressed memories" of childhood emotional abandonment surfaced. He recalled a few incidents such as me once picking him up by the hair in anger (I don't recall this) and also taking away his toys as punishment and constantly reminding him what financial sacrifices we were making at the time of buying him things as a kid. His recent emails to me have been filled with profanity and anger and every incident he details is so perverted into a total falsehood I have been shocked. He has totally rewritten his history. This was a beloved only child who I totally doted on. I believe his wife has prompted his twist on the past, but in the end he is the person who carries his truths. Adding to my shock about the misrepresentations are insults he has hurled at me. So, again, I am distancing myself from him. The question, do I try an have a relationship with my 7 year old granddaughter? I have not spent time with her this year (recovering from an injury and surgery in January, and they always have me do all the picking up/dropping off) In his rages over email, my son made several remarks that he doesn't trust me with his daughter but then also stated "I want you to have a relationship with Amy, she misses and loves you.". How can I have fun times with my granddaughter when I am so heartsick over my son's treatment towards me? Would you just blow this whole family off for now?
Is your son in therapy? I ask because my SIL suffers from mental illness. In her never ending quest to quiet her demons she ended up at a hypnotist who "unearthed" memories of horrible childhood abuse that tore her family apart. It didn't matter that my DH had no such memories, she was convinced it happened.
But, as far as your question goes, I would try to separate my relationship with my grandchild from that of her parents. She loves you, you love her, and it seems her parents are willing to permit contact. It sounds as though she may need some stability in her life.
I also think maintaining a relationship with your grand daughter is important.
I also think it's not uncommon for parents and children to recall incidents from the long ago past differently. I think it goes without saying that you may recall an incident from the perspective of the infraction, and your son from the perspective of the punishment. However much you may disagree with your son on the actual incident, you have no control over how the incidents made him feel. It sounds like you have to accept some responsibility in this mess too.
Maybe you could make him a scrapbook showing many of the positive memories of his childhood. It sounds like he is in a dark place mentally and that might help shine a little light.
oh, I like the scrap book idea, bring a positive aspect to light. I would concisely let him know that you believe his memories are clouded in anger, as that is not how you remembered his life growing up. Keep it short and calm.
I go with having a relationship with the child, she didn't do anything to hurt you and you could bring a positive role model to her life.
I would write him a letter explaining that you love him very much, did the best you could as a parent, and apologize if he feels you fell short. Not to say you did, but HE clearly feels you did, and that's what matters. Tell him that you are there for him whenever he wants a relationship, and definitely do NOT cut his daughter off. She did nothing to deserve that.
I agree with the earlier post about mental illness being a possibility. A lot of times, people with mental illness self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. Now that he's not doing that, it may be coming to the surface. His wife would know better, but if she's adding to the problem or covering it up, it's not helping him. Maybe you could suggest to your son that you will go to therapy with him to work through his childhood issues, in the hope that he could get help with any other real issues he may be having.
Good luck. Sounds like a very sad and difficult situation.
The brain is a mysterious thing. He might have some mental-genetic-emotional problems that are undiagnosed (and might continue that way - men are not too keen on having anything diagnosed), and be blaming them on his upbringing. To give you an example, I know someone who suffers from OCD (one of the many mental problems caused by genetics or a malfunction of the brain itself), who blames his problem on his parents.
I'm not so sure you can do anything about this. In-laws of all kinds take advantage of a situation in which someone might blame parents for his mental condition and pull that person into their fold asap against the other side of the family. It works to their advantage. I'd let time pass, be nice whenever you have contact, and leave it at that. Life takes many turns. When his wife and he begin having problems, life will take a turn again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Squirl
trying to make this short....Since Christmas I've been taking a break from my relationship with my adult son...who is 37. We've had a bad couple of years. My DIL has always been very distant. My son had a bad injury and last year many surgeries. He has been a heavy recreational drinker and pot smoker. Last year he was not able to use any mood altering stuff and "repressed memories" of childhood emotional abandonment surfaced. He recalled a few incidents such as me once picking him up by the hair in anger (I don't recall this) and also taking away his toys as punishment and constantly reminding him what financial sacrifices we were making at the time of buying him things as a kid. His recent emails to me have been filled with profanity and anger and every incident he details is so perverted into a total falsehood I have been shocked. He has totally rewritten his history. This was a beloved only child who I totally doted on. I believe his wife has prompted his twist on the past, but in the end he is the person who carries his truths. Adding to my shock about the misrepresentations are insults he has hurled at me. So, again, I am distancing myself from him. The question, do I try an have a relationship with my 7 year old granddaughter? I have not spent time with her this year (recovering from an injury and surgery in January, and they always have me do all the picking up/dropping off) In his rages over email, my son made several remarks that he doesn't trust me with his daughter but then also stated "I want you to have a relationship with Amy, she misses and loves you.". How can I have fun times with my granddaughter when I am so heartsick over my son's treatment towards me? Would you just blow this whole family off for now?
Is your son in therapy? I ask because my SIL suffers from mental illness. In her never ending quest to quiet her demons she ended up at a hypnotist who "unearthed" memories of horrible childhood abuse that tore her family apart. It didn't matter that my DH had no such memories, she was convinced it happened.
But, as far as your question goes, I would try to separate my relationship with my grandchild from that of her parents. She loves you, you love her, and it seems her parents are willing to permit contact. It sounds as though she may need some stability in her life.
I don't know because my mom has a friend who was actually abused when the rest of the kids were not. Abuse in any form often gets targeted to one child, and not spread out to each child individually. That being said false memory syndrome can happen as well if the person is not trained well in what they do. From what i remember reading, hypnotists are not well regulated.
I also think maintaining a relationship with your grand daughter is important.
I also think it's not uncommon for parents and children to recall incidents from the long ago past differently. I think it goes without saying that you may recall an incident from the perspective of the infraction, and your son from the perspective of the punishment. However much you may disagree with your son on the actual incident, you have no control over how the incidents made him feel. It sounds like you have to accept some responsibility in this mess too.
^This is pretty much what i wanted to say.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
