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Post after post after post, you still refuse to mention something meaningfully positive about your DD1. All you can do is come back with "yes but here's more negatives and why stuff isn't working" What about her IS likeable? What? And why is it so difficult for you to say anything good. Anything at all?
I'm wonder now if you are even reading through her entire posts or are spewing this crap after skimming. I gave two examples with little trouble above. SMART and TALENTED IN MUSIC, those are pretty good ones.
If this is just a behavioral issue then just let her sink or swim. If she doesn't want to study for her ACT's, fine. If she doesn't want to try out for wind ensemble, fine. If she wants to sit in her room and pout, fine. At lest she is in counseling and hopefully she will figure things out sooner rather then later. She is 17 and she will be out of the house soon. I suggest like others, focusing on the things you do like about her and try to let her figure out the rest on her own and through counseling and find a way to reduce stress for yourself so that it won't eat you up inside.
I don't have teenagers yet so don't feel qualified to give much advice. I did read the "How to Talk so Kids will listen" book and found it extremely helpful, effective and very easy to implement. They have one for teens. Maybe it would be helpful?
I'm not sure what the nay sayers want me to say that's going to make a difference.
If I tell my dd she's smart and can do well if she studies, in her mind, the fact I told her to study means I really don't think she's smart because if I REALLY thought she was smart, I'd think she could do it without studying... I'm really damned if I do and damned if I don't here.
Like I've said, I don't know what the others motivation is exactly. But, I can clearly see this isn't going to be fixed by smooching your daughters butt.
It's more serious than that. I saw plenty of boosting uplifting comments about your daughters talents in here, I can see you are frustrated because she doesn't seem to see them, not you.
It's behavioral, and it might not be an easy fix I'm afraid. I don't see any evidence that it is spawned by your mothering, in fact quite the opposite.
People often have a hard time addressing behavior disorders without blaming parents or others until they've been around the person long enough to see a pattern of alienating themselves. Which sounds just like your daughters behavior.
Has friends for a while, then they figure out it's her, not the others she was blaming it on. This is a big sign, and a common behavioral pattern in these people.
I'm not sure what the nay sayers want me to say that's going to make a difference.
If I tell my dd she's smart and can do well if she studies, in her mind, the fact I told her to study means I really don't think she's smart because if I REALLY thought she was smart, I'd think she could do it without studying... I'm really damned if I do and damned if I don't here. Ditto for pointing out that she plays the clarinet well enough to have gotten the band teacher's attention but that doing well requires practice. Again, telling her to practice is like telling her she's no good. She wants the success without the effort. She wants it to be instant. And the world is UNFAIR when it's not.
Believe it or not, I'm actually trying to help on this thread. It seems like the problem in the scenario above is that her response is to give up after she gets to the thought that the world is unfair. Can you help her come up with other ways to respond after having that thought? Yes, the world is unfair, now what do you do...? as an alternative to giving up.
I can see how it is punishing for you to have her argue with any encouragement you do give. I have no idea what would make her feel understood (which is what validated means, not praise but seeing the world as she sees it to help her move to a place where she can see it differently than she is now and thereby change her behavior) but I know sometimes it can be really weird how we respond to people telling us we are able to do something well. It serves some kind of function for her or she wouldn't do it.
Last edited by eastwesteastagain; 06-09-2012 at 01:23 PM..
That one you'll have to trust the doctors on. It has nothing to do with me. I know the reason but that would mean devulging the real issue dd is in counseling for and I know better than to think anyone here would be kind with that kind of ammo....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
Ths is what I know from the doctors she's seen. I didn't do this. She was born this way. Sadly, the time to correct it was before we realized she had a problem. We thought she'd outgrow it. We thought it was a stage. With help, she could have outgrown it but help needs to be in place long before the age of 12. Now it's an issue of teaching her to function in spite of her issues. Hence, counseling for dd. Unfortunately, it is looking more and more like she's going to have to hit rock bottom to realize she needs to change herself to change what's happening in her life. That is a scary place for a mother to stand when her dd is only 17.
Things are better since switching schools. She seems to care a little more about what peers think here but she still goes for shock value now and again which makes both of us look bad. I fear it's too little too late. She hasn't formed any strong friendships. That's what she needs. To have another teen in her life whose opinion she actually cares about. She did have a boyfriend she really liked but she went for shock value with PDA's and his parents put an end to them seeing each other. Of course, in her mind, it wasn't anything SHE did. They just don't like ber because she's not from the area. Even when she loses big, she fails to see how her own actions contributed to the loss.
I acknowledged that she seems to have some metal health issues. I am not saying that you "did this to her." I am saying that you are likely making it worse; or at the very least, not making it any better. If you refuse to accept that, there is nothing here anyone can say to help you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppySead
She has, several times. Re read her posts. I truly don't see any reason for this question to be asked but for the belittling effect it has. She has mentioned her daughters strengths several times. But the issue is her behavior disorder, not if Ivory really likes or loves her daughter.
really? where?
The question in the OP is what should Ivory do about her daughter's "behavior disorder." She asked herself. she's been told over and over to concentrate on her daughter's strengths, not weaknesses. No one is telling her to make things up, only to find something she really truely likes about her, and tell her. She won't do it. She's been given some good advice, but refuses to take any of it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppySead
I'm wonder now if you are even reading through her entire posts or are spewing this crap after skimming. I gave two examples with little trouble above. SMART and TALENTED IN MUSIC, those are pretty good ones.
She really didn't say that. She said her daughter lettered in music and went on with a story about her negative attitude. She may have said she's smart, but that was also wrapped in a negative story about how she doesn't try hard enough. She has ignored every single post specifically asking what she likes about her daughter, and there have been many.
If this is just a behavioral issue then just let her sink or swim. If she doesn't want to study for her ACT's, fine. If she doesn't want to try out for wind ensemble, fine. If she wants to sit in her room and pout, fine. At lest she is in counseling and hopefully she will figure things out sooner rather then later. She is 17 and she will be out of the house soon. I suggest like others, focusing on the things you do like about her and try to let her figure out the rest on her own and through counseling and find a way to reduce stress for yourself so that it won't eat you up inside.
I don't have teenagers yet so don't feel qualified to give much advice. I did read the "How to Talk so Kids will listen" book and found it extremely helpful, effective and very easy to implement. They have one for teens. Maybe it would be helpful?
Her child sounds to me like she has Social Competence disorders. She needs to seek medical help with this at this point. Social Competence - stages, average, Definition, Description, Common problems, Key terms
Ivory, read all the way through this article and see if it doesn't ring a bell. Good news is it's treatable, bad news is, it's difficult to treat and it might not rid all of it but it's a start. Good luck, and I do feel for you. I agree with trying to get some relaxing techniques for yourself and family in the meantime.
People often misunderstand this as faulty parenting, so hang in there, that is far from the truth. Just try to be as understanding as you can with them, dismiss it and move on.
Like I've said, I don't know what the others motivation is exactly. But, I can clearly see this isn't going to be fixed by smooching your daughters butt.
It's more serious than that. I saw plenty of boosting uplifting comments about your daughters talents in here, I can see you are frustrated because she doesn't seem to see them, not you.
It's behavioral, and it might not be an easy fix I'm afraid. I don't see any evidence that it is spawned by your mothering, in fact quite the opposite.
People often have a hard time addressing behavior disorders without blaming parents or others until they've been around the person long enough to see a pattern of alienating themselves. Which sounds just like your daughters behavior.
Has friends for a while, then they figure out it's her, not the others she was blaming it on. This is a big sign, and a common behavioral pattern in these people.
Like I've said, I don't know what the others motivation is exactly.
The motivation of the other posters?
People are trying to help. I haven't seen meanness in the responses. Perhaps you have because you don't agree with what other people have said.
The OP has been posting about DD1 for a very long time. The regulars here are very familiar with the back story and I think their responses reflect their familiarity with the situation.
I acknowledged that she seems to have some metal health issues. I am not saying that you "did this to her." I am saying that you are likely making it worse. If you refuse to accept that, there is nothing here anyone can say to help you.
really? where?
The question in the OP is what should Ivory do about her daughter's "behavior disorder." She asked herself. she's been told over and over to concentrate on her daughter's strengths, not weaknesses. No one is telling her to make things up, only to find something she really truely likes about her, and tell her. She won't do it. She's been given some good advice, but refuses to take any of it.
She really didn't say that. She said her daughter lettered in music and went on with a story about her negative attitude. She may have said she's smart, but that was also wrapped in a negative story about how she doesn't try hard enough. She has ignored every single post specifically asking what she likes about her daughter, and there have been many.
Wow, you are really searching here. I'm still not sure why? I'll just leave it at that, I didn't find it that vague. I don't think I missed anything. I'm sure she'd tell me if I did.
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I gave two examples with little trouble above. SMART and TALENTED IN MUSIC, those are pretty good ones.
