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Why did YOU tell her it was an inappropriate breed for the space you had? Why didn't you let your DH handle it, since he was the one considering it?
I agree your daughter handled herself poorly, but what perplexes me is that 99% of the parents coming onto this board are looking for suggestions that might help, and appreciate other perspectives. You are one of the very few that elicit a negative response, yet you don't see yourself as part of the problem. Why can the rest of us see it?
Sorry, I'm not part of the rest of you and there are a few others who don't share your view. I don't see the same thing.
I wouldn't do the puppy until the response was acceptable.
When it was cat deciding time we discussed breeds, all of us. Not just the one who brought it up. It's normal to do this. If my child had a fit with the remote, end of discussion, no dog. Period.
How can you be patient with a dog if you can't be patient discussing what kind of dog suits your household?
I think many people may be posting past each other. A few posts back, Ivory described what she terms "constructive criticism" which matches almost exactly the targeted descriptive feedback that others are calling "praise." So when people say "you should praise" and Ivory says "I don't praise," they are actually talking about two totally different things. Do you see what I mean? It is a recipe for misunderstanding.
I have not posted one thing that insults anyone's character. There is no implied insult in my posts unless someone is looking to find an insult where there isn't one.
No because her constructive criticism gives both what she likes and what she dislikes. It's not completely the same things.
If this type of behavior is not responding to her current therapy, I would strongly encourage you to examine an alternative therapy. There are evidence-based treatments that deal with exactly this type of behavioral and emotional dyscontrol. You may already be pursuing one, I have no idea, but this is not behavior that I would expect after several years of effective treatment.
Actually, the behavior is better with therapy. We just haven't repaired all the damage. We kind of figured we'd wait until we knew things weren't going to get broken again. Dd still tends to slam doors. Not to the point she knocks them off their hinges anymore but she still slams them. She hasn't thrown her cell phone in a while. The remote today was a bit of a surprise. She really got her nose out of joint when she was told the puppy she wants is too big, and it is. We have a postage stamp lot and nowhere for a big dog to run.
I think her response was elevated because she's always wanted a dog. She seems to get along better with animals than people. She's a lot nicer to them anyway.
I'm not a parent, and I might be jumping to conclusions just a bit here, but I think it's possible that dd1 might be a sociopath from Ivory's description. If that's the case, then there's probably not much Ivory can do except damage control.
But I agree with a lot of posters in that there are way more complex issues going on, both with dd1 and Ivory herself.
No because her constructive criticism gives both what she likes and what she dislikes. It's not completely the same things.
That was not clear to me from her description. If every positive is followed by a "yes but..." then they are different; if the positive stands on its own, they are the same thing.
I think her response was elevated because she's always wanted a dog. She seems to get along better with animals than people. She's a lot nicer to them anyway.
Then get her the dog!
Jeepers. Do you not see this is one way to reach her? She could very well turn to the dog instead of boys. A dog could change her life and you just want to pick, pick, pick at her.
I've never thrown anything in anger in my life but I might just have chucked that remote myself.
Actually, the behavior is better with therapy. We just haven't repaired all the damage. We kind of figured we'd wait until we knew things weren't going to get broken again. Dd still tends to slam doors. Not to the point she knocks them off their hinges anymore but she still slams them. She hasn't thrown her cell phone in a while. The remote today was a bit of a surprise. She really got her nose out of joint when she was told the puppy she wants is too big, and it is. We have a postage stamp lot and nowhere for a big dog to run.
I think her response was elevated because she's always wanted a dog. She seems to get along better with animals than people. She's a lot nicer to them anyway.
If that's the case have you considered taking her to volunteer at the aspca or some shelter? That might get her to open up some if she really reacts to animals.
No because her constructive criticism gives both what she likes and what she dislikes. It's not completely the same things.
Not necessarily. Constructive criticism can include only the things you liked if the aim is to get a child to continue doing the things that work. It's pointing out what is working so the child knows what works and doesn't forget to do those things next time. It doesn't have to include negative feedback.
This is what dd's piano teacher does. I have NEVER heard her praise a student. She will tell them that she likes the way they pop out of the keys or point out how much crisper they play with curved fingers but she never says "Well done". There are weeks when she says nothing positive but the kids know that they did ok if there isn't too much negative. She's actually quite likely to never acknowledge that a child finished a piece. They know they did well when she tells them they're moving on to a new piece. BTW, dd's teacher never gives negative feedback on a performance. There's no point. She points out what the child did right. Then they get on with learning the next piece. I'll take that back...I have heard her give negative feedback once. It was to dd the first time she sang and played together. She got flustered and off track and had to back up. She appologized to the audience. Her teacher told her to never do that again. She told her that she didn't owe anyone an appology. She fixed it and that was enough. Dd needed some extra encouragement that day because she was upset with her own performance.
And now for the story of dd#2 and praise....The first time dd#2 played at church, she was six, and she was scheduled to play for both services. She was just THRILLED that they were LETTING her play on the big piano. For the first service, she had no technical errors in her piece and it was full of life. During the intermission between services, person after person came up to her and gushed "You play WONDERFULLY", "You are SO talented", "You are great", etc, etc, etc....her second performance was flat, lacked life and had several technical issues. She RAN from the building as soon as church was over. She had no idea what she had done right during the first service, to deserve overt praise, so she couldn't duplicate it during the second service. The pressure to perform got ot her. She didn't hear "You play wonderfully" she heard "We EXPECT you to play wonderfully" only she didn't know what playing wonderfully was. Her idea of wonderful is her teacher. She can't play like her teacher. On the way home she asked why no one told her she was wonderful after the second service (she ran out before anyone could say anything to her) and asked if they didn't like her. Praise sets kids up for a fall. As soon as the praise isn't there, they don't know what to think. I had to start asking people to just tell her "Thank you for playing today. I hope you play again for us.". Praise hurts. It sets up unrealistic expectations. It does not arm kids with what they need to repeat the performance and they often lack the skills to determine what went right, which is what happened to dd. So, if you hear a young child play the piano, please just say, "Thank you for playing today. I hope you play again for us.". Don't deliver expectations in the form of praise.
I think many people may be posting past each other. A few posts back, Ivory described what she terms "constructive criticism" which matches almost exactly the targeted descriptive feedback that others are calling "praise." So when people say "you should praise" and Ivory says "I don't praise," they are actually talking about two totally different things. Do you see what I mean? It is a recipe for misunderstanding.
I have not posted one thing that insults anyone's character. There is no implied insult in my posts unless someone is looking to find an insult where there isn't one.
You are probably right. Fast posting makes a difference.
In response to constructive criticism I was thinking of things like this which I don't find constructive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
The situation you think you are dealing with, jealousy and entrance tests, is not the real issue. The issue is and has been for the entirety of your posting history is you and your daughter.
I am not suggesting you get into her head. I am suggesting you get into yours and figure out why you don't like your daughter. I am not intending to be harsh and certainly don't want to hurt your feelings. But it looks pretty compelling from out here that your daughter is responding to you as you have expected her to. As a failure.
That is a little harsh to me. But, yes, it's hard to understand everyones advice with so much going on. I'll exit because everyone knows where I stand. I just hope things turn around for her, it's been along haul.
Actually, the behavior is better with therapy. We just haven't repaired all the damage. We kind of figured we'd wait until we knew things weren't going to get broken again. Dd still tends to slam doors. Not to the point she knocks them off their hinges anymore but she still slams them. She hasn't thrown her cell phone in a while. The remote today was a bit of a surprise. She really got her nose out of joint when she was told the puppy she wants is too big, and it is. We have a postage stamp lot and nowhere for a big dog to run.
I think her response was elevated because she's always wanted a dog. She seems to get along better with animals than people. She's a lot nicer to them anyway.
Ok, well I'm glad she is improving with treatment and that today was a bit of a "throwback" behavior. I am assuming that her therapist has worked with you on how to respond to things like this, what to reinforce or not, etc? Please feel free not to answer that, I just recall working a lot with the parents of my teen clients to know what to do in situations like that, as it can be very taxing to stay effective, manage the challenging behavior and then shift on a dime to reinforce the next positive behavior that comes along. It can bring up a lot of emotions for the parent/family. I am beginning to understand your frustration. I hope you are getting the support you need IRL.
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