Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't know that you are, as others suggesting, making DD1 feel inferior or that you favor one over the other. I haven't read that many of your posts in that area. But I do think you are enabling entitled behavior and I can see where fairness can lose balance. I'm sure you're not saying it out loud and I think you mean well, but it will come across one way or another - to hope DD2 does just well enough to get in, which is less than her best, for DD1's sake is a problem. That it is acceptable for her to do any less than her best, in this particular situation, for anyone's sake is a disservice to her. In a game of checkers, maybe (MAYBE). A college exam. No way.
It looks like DD1 could do better but doesn't want to put forth the effort. That is completely on her. The counselor is right. Being 10 points lower on the IQ scale doesn't make her stupid. If she wants to believe that and play a victim to mean, mean mommy and daddy, no matter how many times you tell her that isn't the case, she will. There isn't much you can do but you don't have to cater to it. The only energy I would give to that is a loud and strong message that she is alone in her pity party and that she has to earn her successes like everyone else, including her sister. "I said I don't think you're stupid. That discussion is closed. Prep for that exam or not, it's your future."
Siblings will never be the same, they will have different strengths and weaknesses. But they should be consistently rewarded for the good as much as they should be held accountable for the bad. If one gets more praise, so be it. That's just the way it is. I know it's easier said than done, but life isn't fair and they should accept and build upon the gifts they are given.
I think you are right that I am enabling dd#1. I feel like we walk on eggshells to avoid conflict and that isn't making this better. Maybe it is time to start handling her the way my mom handled me when I got my nose out of joint (I wasn't like dd#1 but like any teen, I could get into self pity mode). She'd sing the worm song to me. I can still hear her in my head...."Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna eat some worms....." That used to annoy the daylights out of me but I knew she was right. Self pity helps no one. Dd's counselor keeps trying to send that message. Maybe it's time we reinforce that with "Suck it up, life isn't fair....get over it".
Dd#1 is more capable than her grades or test scores would indicate and we know it. In the charter school, she was placed in the G&T program during her second year at the school. Unfortunately, in her mind, gifted means everything is easy and that just is not true. She still needs to apply herself. That's what we can't seem to get her to do. When we tell her she can do better, she gets upset and tells us "I'm not dd#2". I never said she was. I just said she can do better. She's capable in her own right. That dd#2 was given more shouldn't be an issue but she makes it a big one.
That is my feeling as well. Peace. Only post what is desired to be heard.
No, only ones that help. I told you I'd ignore crap and I am. Some here just want to call me names, but I knew that would happen, and that helps nothing. People like that are best ignored and will continue to be.
No, only ones that help. I told you I'd ignore crap and I am. Some here just want to call me names, but I knew that would happen, and that helps nothing. People like that are best ignored and will continue to be.
Where has anyone called you a name? You asked for advice, people offered good faith responses. When it's not the answer you WANT to hear or you agree with, you discount it as namecalling. Sigh. The only responses you are willing to entertain are those that reinforce what you are already doing.
Actually, she did say that she might look into this 'suck it up and deal' theory of parenting that was offered up by a couple of us posters. Instead of the coddling and worrying about setting off the drama queen.
It may be a mistake to assume that everyone who gives advice that doesn't initially look useful to you is posting for the purpose of tearing you down and not with the intent of helping you. I've found it counterproductive to ignore the content of others' communications simply because I don't trust their motives.
IMHO, it might be worth running your ideas past the therapist if what you plan to try is a departure from what you have been doing. I am left wondering why you would consult with the Parenting forum instead of just putting in a call to the therapist who actually knows your daughter and family.
Telling her daughter to "suck it up and deal" and coddling her, walking on eggshells and discounting and deemphasizing the younger daughter's accomplishments to appease her are not the only available strategies. Those are the extremes.
IMHO, it might be worth running your ideas past the therapist if what you plan to try is a departure from what you have been doing. I am left wondering why you would consult with the Parenting forum instead of just putting in a call to the therapist who actually knows your daughter and family.
I agree. Talk to the therapist and get ideas from her. She knows your daughter much better then anyone here.
IMHO, it might be worth running your ideas past the therapist if what you plan to try is a departure from what you have been doing. I am left wondering why you would consult with the Parenting forum instead of just putting in a call to the therapist who actually knows your daughter and family.
Really? You have all these problems with your daughter and the plan now is to taunt her with sing song-y rhymes?
Yeah. That's going to work.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
