Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Maybe the OP isn't getting helpful feedback from the therapist. If, after several years, her daughter doesn't want to see the therapist, doesn't trust the therapist and doesn't see the therapist as a source of support or help, and the OP isn't being given tools to deal with the problems she has described, maybe it's time to look for a new therapist.
IMHO, it might be worth running your ideas past the therapist if what you plan to try is a departure from what you have been doing. I am left wondering why you would consult with the Parenting forum instead of just putting in a call to the therapist who actually knows your daughter and family.
At dd's request, I no longer have contact with her therapist. I don't know what she discusses with her therapist but her doctor is a specialist in women's relationship issues and I was involved long enough to trust her. I'm sure dd tells her some whoppers but I'm equally sure she calls her on them. If going it alone helps dd to open up then that's what we'll do.
I'm also certain that I am not the only parent dealing with jealousy and a child who won't apply herself and then cries about how life is unfair. Someone out there has to have dealt with this.
I do have to admit to coddling dd to avoid drama. If anything, things go dd#1's way around here to the detriment of dd#2 in an attempt to avoid drama. I'm thinking we need to stop that. We're not teaching her to deal with her issues and we're really not avoiding the drama either. We've just moved the line in the sand at which the drama starts.
Maybe I will make an appointment with her counselor. She's off for the summer and wouldn't even need to know. Being home for the summer, maybe there are things we can try. Fortunately, dd#1 does not have a boyfriend in the neighborhood this year (THAT was a nightmare two years ago). She tends to want to hang out with me when there are no boys around. (Seriously, this girl is a bundle of contradictions. She HATES me, says she wants nothing to do with me but just let me try to go to the mall by myself. If I get my keys out, she's at the door. Dd#2, OTOH, just hangs out with her friends and tells me to go away like a normal teenager (she will also talk to me about the important stuff in her life but dd#1 will not. Dd#1 doesn't talk to anyone about the important stuff that I know of. I hope she does with her therapist...)
At dd's request, I no longer have contact with her therapist. I don't know what she discusses with her therapist but her doctor is a specialist in women's relationship issues and I was involved long enough to trust her. I'm sure dd tells her some whoppers but I'm equally sure she calls her on them. If going it alone helps dd to open up then that's what we'll do.
This is why it might be helpful for you to find therapist of your own. He or she will be able to help you with your dd.
Which is one of the reasons many here suggested therapy for you. Dealing with a child with the kinds of issues you've described might (I'd guess) require some patience and techniques that differ from the norm. Plus it might relieve some stress and anger that would also be understandable.
At dd's request, I no longer have contact with her therapist. I don't know what she discusses with her therapist but her doctor is a specialist in women's relationship issues and I was involved long enough to trust her. I'm sure dd tells her some whoppers but I'm equally sure she calls her on them. If going it alone helps dd to open up then that's what we'll do.
I can understand that.
It concerns me that you do not have a professional to get solid suggestions from when you've described so many different difficult issues. I'm a big fan of hard-ass approaches, but they can go terribly wrong depending on how they are implemented. Good luck.
ETA: Just read the addendum to your post. Even if others have gone through the jealousy issue, when there is so much going on in the background in your situation, even the most useful advice here could apply differently to your situatuion, do you know what I mean? I definitely can understand how you might find yourself trying to appease DD to avoid emotional outbursts, and I also agree that this probably isn't effective (although quite understandable). I'm sure you know that when you draw a line in the sand, she will push back, especially if you are drawing the line sooner than you have been. It's a tough spot for you to be in and will probably be emotionally confusing for her, as well. I wholeheartedly support a quick consult with the therapist if it can be worked out, if for no reason than to troubleshoot how to do this in a way that is going to get the best results for DD and the family. If you know you are in for a rough few weeks, at least you want to know it's moving you all towards a goal of improved progress, right? It is a good sign that she wants to spend time with you, even if she says otherwise.
Last edited by eastwesteastagain; 06-10-2012 at 10:34 AM..
She tends to want to hang out with me when there are no boys around. (Seriously, this girl is a bundle of contradictions. She HATES me, says she wants nothing to do with me but just let me try to go to the mall by myself. If I get my keys out, she's at the door. Dd#2, OTOH, just hangs out with her friends and tells me to go away like a normal teenager (she will also talk to me about the important stuff in her life but dd#1 will not. Dd#1 doesn't talk to anyone about the important stuff that I know of. I hope she does with her therapist...)
Yes, my friend's sister is like that. It also makes it hard to want to help her because you just never know when she will lash out at you-- it is always a matter of when, not if, she will lash out. That's why she was coddled for a long time... until just about everyone had their fill. Which is why a lot now have to take a fair (but firm) stance with her because they don't want to get back into that pattern. The mother still enables her and therefor is the most stressed out. My friend's sister is now 23, with 2 kids-- that her mother has to take care of and discipline, despite there being a husband in the picture, the sister won't allow her husband to have a role that usurps her mother's. She still has her meltdowns-- and the kids mimic that, and are little versions of her worst self. Then she has these moments of clarity-- that's when people will try to reach her and talk to her about her behavior. She will acknowledge the impossibility of her behavior-- it's definitely a self-control issue for her.
OP, do you ever talk to her during these times when she wants to be with you? Just calmly talk to her about her behavior?
I think you are right that I am enabling dd#1. I feel like we walk on eggshells to avoid conflict and that isn't making this better. Maybe it is time to start handling her the way my mom handled me when I got my nose out of joint (I wasn't like dd#1 but like any teen, I could get into self pity mode). She'd sing the worm song to me. I can still hear her in my head...."Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna eat some worms....." That used to annoy the daylights out of me but I knew she was right. Self pity helps no one. Dd's counselor keeps trying to send that message. Maybe it's time we reinforce that with "Suck it up, life isn't fair....get over it".
Dd#1 is more capable than her grades or test scores would indicate and we know it. In the charter school, she was placed in the G&T program during her second year at the school. Unfortunately, in her mind, gifted means everything is easy and that just is not true. She still needs to apply herself. That's what we can't seem to get her to do. When we tell her she can do better, she gets upset and tells us "I'm not dd#2". I never said she was. I just said she can do better. She's capable in her own right. That dd#2 was given more shouldn't be an issue but she makes it a big one.
Your mom had the right idea. It's a monster you really can't feed. They carry that into adulthood and the world will drop kick them into reality. It won't be pretty.
My son has high functioning autism. He feels inadequate. I know it does a number on his confidence. But he sometimes sabotages his own progress with self defeating choices and they are not autism related. He graduated high school, went into the military and is in college. He's proven he can succeed despite his autism. So, while I hate that he is hurting, I don't feel sorry for him when he makes bad decisions and gets himself into a bind. I'm not hearing the "woe is me". He brought it upon himself. Get up, dust off and get with the program. Don't feed the monster.
Yes, my friend's sister is like that. It also makes it hard to want to help her because you just never know when she will lash out at you-- it is always a matter of when, not if, she will lash out. That's why she was coddled for a long time... until just about everyone had their fill. Which is why a lot now have to take a fair (but firm) stance with her because they don't want to get back into that pattern. The mother still enables her and therefor is the most stressed out. My friend's sister is now 23, with 2 kids-- that her mother has to take care of and discipline, despite there being a husband in the picture, the sister won't allow her husband to have a role that usurps her mother's. She still has her meltdowns-- and the kids mimic that, and are little versions of her worst self. Then she has these moments of clarity-- that's when people will try to reach her and talk to her about her behavior. She will acknowledge the impossibility of her behavior-- it's definitely a self-control issue for her.
OP, do you ever talk to her during these times when she wants to be with you? Just calmly talk to her about her behavior?
I never know when dd will lash out. We can be having a great time and I say the wrong thing and off she goes. It, definitely, is an issue of WHEN not IF she'll lash out. SOMETHING will not go her way and she'll throw a fit and she doesn't care who sees it. In fact, she wants the whole world to know she's been wronged.
She takes the glass half empty to extremes. If her glass is missing one teaspoon, it might as well be empty. Unfortunately, it's easy to compare yourself to others and see your glass as missing a teaspoon.
Talking about her behavior, without a mediator, is a no-no. That is sure to cause an outburst. It's seen as an attack. The only time I'll go there is when we're in the car alone, far enough away from home and destinations that she can't walk home. I see a lot of road trips this summer....
No, only ones that help. I told you I'd ignore crap and I am. Some here just want to call me names, but I knew that would happen, and that helps nothing. People like that are best ignored and will continue to be.
You asked for advice and you got it. Not following it is on you. You are doing one thing, and that doesn't work. Most of us suggest another way. You decide to ignore that and listen to the 1 or 2 people who think you should keep doing what you're doing, even though it isn't working. It makes no sense at all, but you'd rather be right than happy.
Maybe the OP isn't getting helpful feedback from the therapist. If, after several years, her daughter doesn't want to see the therapist, doesn't trust the therapist and doesn't see the therapist as a source of support or help, and the OP isn't being given tools to deal with the problems she has described, maybe it's time to look for a new therapist.
Actually, no. What dd doesn't like is the therapist knows her. She can't fool her. She gets straight talk from her. Therapy was fun when she could convince her that I was the problem or her sister was the problem. Now her therapist knows better. She shoots from the hip and dd doesn't like that. She wants someone to coddle her and stroke her because "Life is so UNFAIR". Her therapist refuses. I think it's high time we start refusing too.
Unfortunately, dd doesn't see the value in therapy. She sees it as marking her as different and teens don't like being different. Her counselor at school keeps telling her that many of the kids she goes to school with would love to have someone to use as a sounding board to help them make decisions.
Dd's therapist is not an issue. She's the right choice for dd. She is a specialist in women's relationships including their relationship with themselves. Dd's a little upset with her because she keeps trying to get dd to come up with a plan B in case becomming a vet doesn't work out. Right now, dd doesn't have the grades or test scores to get into the college she wants to go to. Dd sees this as her having no faith in her. She always sees the negative.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
