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Finding one to use is not necessarily purchasing one. Good grief. Dramatic much?
See post #280
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
Do come back when you have something constructive to add... Seriously, you can't even see the problem.
Many people have added constructive things but you ignore them. You are acting very much in the same manner you describe your DD1. That's worth looking into. (no snark)
Actually, I've gotten some very good advice here today that I'm taking to heart. I've also gotten some bad advice I'm choosing to ignore. I knew I would when I posted this though. I'm just glad some people came through with ideas that might help. And a little support for adminstering some tough love. I do have to admit to pandering to dd#1 too much and contributing to the problem. I didn't pander to her this time. And the world did not end.
No, the world did not end. But, that's hardly the test of whether what you're doing is beneficial to your daughter in the long term or just a quick fix that ends the current conflict and makes you feel good.
I really, truly hope you aren't that rude and condescending to DD1. There's no need for it. People have been trying to help you help your daughter.
I'd think someone who really wanted to help her daughter and had HER best interests in mind would be saying, "Thank you. I appreciate your trying to help us."
Borrowing a $200 calculator from the school without reason is not simple. I'd need a good reason. That dd#1 didn't want to loan her sister, who doesn't even attend the same school, my calculator for 4 hours is not good reason. Dd#1 can share. Period. Last time I looked sharing was a good trait.
IMO, making dd#1 share did far more good than pandering to her drama ever could. She didn't need the calculatoran
You ever consider WHY she doesn't want to share? Maybe because she feels like DD2 already gets all the love, all the praise, all the admiration, and she doesn't. Maybe holding onto a calculator she didn't need was her way of holding on to something, because she feels like she doesn't have enough. It seems she's behaving so negatively because perhaps she'll take negative attention over no attention at all. And even though this may not be reality, it may be HER reality, because it is her perception.
You ever see a kid who has suffered through being hungry, not having enough food? Even when they have plenty, they shovel food in their mouths like someone is going to snatch it from them. They hide food. They don't want to "share." They have to be in place where they KNOW that they'll never go hungry again before they can let go of that behavior. To get to that place takes a lot of consistency and reassurance, or "pandering," if you will. Forcing them to share would be counterproductive. It may solve the immediate issue, but what it would really be doing is dismissing their fears, their experiences, their feelings, and to them, focusing more on the one you care about most, which would do what besides make them continue their behavior? Once they feel secure, THEN they can begin working on sharing. Maybe this is like your DD. When she feels secure, she'll be more than happy and willing to share with her sister. Why wouldn't you want to do whatever it takes to make that happen?
You do realize that using sarcasm here doesn't mean I use it with her, right?
Quote:
“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
Do come back when you have something constructive to add...And READ.... I DON"T HAVE TI"S IN MY CLASSROOM!!!! They are NOT at my disposal. I have dollar store calculators like the one I carry in my purse that dd#1 is free to use, and does, any time. Why do I need to borrow one from the school? Seriously, you can't even see the problem here or follow my posts.
Can we just quit with the calculator BS? the calculator isn't the problem, yet you are fixated on it. It's like you are worried about dinner being over cooked while the house burns down around you.
You ever consider WHY she doesn't want to share? Maybe because she feels like DD2 already gets all the love, all the praise, all the admiration, and she doesn't. Maybe holding onto a calculator she didn't need was her way of holding on to something, because she feels like she doesn't have enough. It seems she's behaving so negatively because perhaps she'll take negative attention over no attention at all. And even though this may not be reality, it may be HER reality, because it is her perception.
You ever see a kid who has suffered through being hungry, not having enough food? Even when they have plenty, they shovel food in their mouths like someone is going to snatch it from them. They hide food. They don't want to "share." They have to be in place where they KNOW that they'll never go hungry again before they can let go of that behavior. To get to that place takes a lot of consistency and reassurance, or "pandering," if you will. Forcing them to share would be counterproductive. It may solve the immediate issue, but what it would really be doing is dismissing their fears, their experiences, their feelings, and to them, focusing more on the one you care about most, which would do what besides make them continue their behavior? Once they feel secure, THEN they can begin working on sharing. Maybe this is like your DD. When she feels secure, she'll be more than happy and willing to share with her sister. Why wouldn't you want to do whatever it takes to make that happen?
You ever consider WHY she doesn't want to share? Maybe because she feels like DD2 already gets all the love, all the praise, all the admiration, and she doesn't. Maybe holding onto a calculator she didn't need was her way of holding on to something, because she feels like she doesn't have enough. It seems she's behaving so negatively because perhaps she'll take negative attention over no attention at all. And even though this may not be reality, it may be HER reality, because it is her perception.
You ever see a kid who has suffered through being hungry, not having enough food? Even when they have plenty, they shovel food in their mouths like someone is going to snatch it from them. They hide food. They don't want to "share." They have to be in place where they KNOW that they'll never go hungry again before they can let go of that behavior. To get to that place takes a lot of consistency and reassurance, or "pandering," if you will. Forcing them to share would be counterproductive. It may solve the immediate issue, but what it would really be doing is dismissing their fears, their experiences, their feelings, and to them, focusing more on the one you care about most, which would do what besides make them continue their behavior? Once they feel secure, THEN they can begin working on sharing. Maybe this is like your DD. When she feels secure, she'll be more than happy and willing to share with her sister. Why wouldn't you want to do whatever it takes to make that happen?
Fantastic post. Full of wisdom and insight. I have a feeling that's the crux of most of it.
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See post #280
