I'm not angry, just not interested in my parents/in laws anymore (deviant, allowance)
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I'm starting this thread to address/explain some of my posts in another, though I didn't want to hijack their thread.
One of the issues with my dad - he thinks that because he is broke now and my stepsiblings aren't around (the well dried up, duh!) that it's my responsiblity to fly/travel out to him 3-4 times a year to help him out. I have children who are my priority. I have neighbors, friends, church family who were here for us (some who traveled far to do so) when I was in the hospital, or when we had a car wreck, or when our daughter was baptized, or when my dh was deployed, or when we lost everything financially speaking, etc and so on. I choose to make THEM a higher priority than a man who didn't bother to come to me during any of the milestones of my adult life. My mother and I recently spoke for the first time in 22 1/2 years - and thanks to the generosity of others, I was able to go to her when she awoke from a coma and asked for me. We had a great 3 day visit. But that's it - I realized that I have peace and don't need/want anything more than to visit when I can - but other than making that first trip, I don't feel a need to continue the relationship. For the 21 years prior to that, she cut me out. I'm not angry at either of them any longer. But I'm also not going to go out of my way for either of them.
One set of my in-laws asked for 'godly mediation' a few months ago. My dd (9) had sent a friend request to my MIL via FB - and she sent me a SCATHING, judgmental email back about the power of Satan in my life and my inability to forgive. At the time, I was visiting my mother (see last paragraph). I will admit it felt great to answer back that I would get back to her later because I was with my mother at the time (knowing that she would know how ridiculous her 'unforgiving' comment was). This is the point she and the FIL said they desired 'mediation' and a reconciliation with dh and myself. They requested our pastor to hold the session. Beforehand, he told me that I needed to pray and 'keep my exaggerations' to myself, because no one would do/say what I claimed they had said/did to me. My dh had only witnessed a couple of the incidents prior, but loves me and took my side. The pastor was shocked when at the beginning of the session, he had to remind my FIL that I am a human, that I have a name and that "her children" are not only his son's children, but his own flesh and blood grandchildren. The last was in response to his statement that he couldn't love "my" kids the way he loved his grandchildren (he has 1 other). That was such a wonderful session. They apologized, blah blah blah... but the REAL GIFT was that they said all those horrid things about me OUT LOUD to dh and another - and now there are people in the world that know I wasn't making it all up. I have no anger towards them any longer - just pity. But I'm not going to put forth the effort I used to. If they want a relationship, then we can have one. Same thing with them and the kids. Them and dh --- and I will focus on those who did not treat me this way. Not that I won't be kind or stop by if we're nearby. But I won't be putting forward any extra effort.
My 'other' MIL - there was a HUGE rift years ago, caused by my much younger SIL's lies. MIL 'took her side' and hurt my dh and kids in the process - badly. It took her 5 years to apologize. And I accepted it - but I told her then that while I would ASSIST her in repairing the relationships with them, I would not take charge of them. I don't care either way if she and I have a relationship again, frankly, it's easier on me not to have to deal with her. But I remind dh to call, I make the kids call on her bday and other holidays. I remind dh to pick up gifts for her and I even mail them. But if he chooses not to buy her anything (majority of the time, this is the result), then that's okay with me. My young SIL and I have contact weekly via FB -and we keep it light. In the situation with her, I see myself as the 'adult in the situation' and make allowances for how young she was when she did what she did. That said, I'm not pushing to have back what we once had, but I do and will continue to make more of an effort with her than I will with those who are my 'elders'.
Again, I'm not angry, just accepting- there was a time I was angry... but that has passed.
I visit my friend's mother in her nursing home, I bring meals to friends that are ill or just had a baby. I take care of my kid's friends during the summer now that I'm working from home (just as friends helped us out when I was in the hospital). And when we got the texts/emails that my FIL was having surgery, or my MIL was in the hospital, it didn't occur to either of us to go to them, send cards or flowers or do anything more than respond to their message saying that we'd pray for them and hoped they'd heal quickly, and we did. It's only later (or now, in this case) that in contemplation I think about "why" we didn't offer to go to them, or help out... because you teach people how to treat you - and nowhere is this more evident than with our parents.
Sometimes when our family of origin can't nurture and love us in emotionally healthy ways, it's best to step back from them and form your own "new" family instead. Sounds like you get that. I wish you peace going forward
Sometimes when our family of origin can't nurture and love us in emotionally healthy ways, it's best to step back from them and form your own "new" family instead. Sounds like you get that. I wish you peace going forward
Yes, exactly - thank you!
I should add too that when I visited to see my mother, I got to see my older sister too - and she brought her kids, I brought one of mine (my ds didn't want to go, just dd). It was FABULOUS! Neither of our little families has the money to travel right now, but we are 'talking' and will see each other when we can... and having almost daily contact with my niece is AMAZING! Our daughters are getting close... and it's so wonderful!
Our problems were never really "our problems". They were a result of our parent's issues. We had our 'sister issues' but nothing major - she just couldn't stand to be in the middle any longer and pulled away. I let her go because I was tired of defending myself. She's finally ready to have a relationship with me as sisters, not as our parent's pawns. Thank GOD! Our other siblings are a different matter. I just don't need their drama in my life or my kid's lives. They got really angry when I confronted them on their lies and angrier still when my mother asked for me and my forgiveness after her coma. I never realized how little I cared until my older sister told me I had to choose between them and her and I asked her what she meant... it didn't even occur to me that I would have them back in my life! Once she and I got past that, the rest came easily - which is amazing and how it SHOULD be!
I've been lucky enough to never be in a position like this. However, if I had relatives that were nasty to me or my family or refused to make an effort, I wouldn't have a problem with limiting or severing contact with them. You do indeed MAKE the family you want.
I can totally understand as this is something I'm having to deal with through DH's family. DH's family never been close to each other, but it's definitely an angry melodramatic cycle that links them all, of which DH and I now step back and away from.
Even when things were "good", there's no contact or acknowledgement. Most of them use my DH's Deafness as an excuse not to incorporate him in family matters, pictures, gatherings, et. c. Even when the siblings were young, they didn't learn sign language and felt they shouldn't have to. They can't be bothered to call (via Relay), text or email DH about anything and don't respond to him when he initiates contact. I remember there being a confrontation long ago about their behavior-- and they ended being so angry because other people were there and we were "making them look bad". They were saying they didn't want to bother with my husband because he was a liar, a thief and a "deviant" (non-Christian). Of course, when you ask them about him lying or stealing-- they bring up a particular event that happened when DH was three years old (he's almost mid 30s now).
The family is strange and there's so many odd stories and senseless dramas-- and boy, anger runs in the veins of the family. DH and I decided that blood does not make a family... This is why we don't see them.
I have been in your position with the In-laws and feel for you. I hear others when they talk of their in-laws and how they are so nice, send gifts/ cards, call, visit, all that; I think wow, how lucky are you!!! At the point when we were on the outs with my in-laws, my husband supported me 100% and that helped us deal with it together. Now they are older and really only call them to check on them and that is about it. As long as they are nice to my kids, we will continue to do that but as soon as that goes out, oh well...life goes on.
I can totally understand as this is something I'm having to deal with through DH's family. DH's family never been close to each other, but it's definitely an angry melodramatic cycle that links them all, of which DH and I now step back and away from.
Even when things were "good", there's no contact or acknowledgement. Most of them use my DH's Deafness as an excuse not to incorporate him in family matters, pictures, gatherings, et. c. Even when the siblings were young, they didn't learn sign language and felt they shouldn't have to. They can't be bothered to call (via Relay), text or email DH about anything and don't respond to him when he initiates contact. I remember there being a confrontation long ago about their behavior-- and they ended being so angry because other people were there and we were "making them look bad". They were saying they didn't want to bother with my husband because he was a liar, a thief and a "deviant" (non-Christian). Of course, when you ask them about him lying or stealing-- they bring up a particular event that happened when DH was three years old (he's almost mid 30s now).
The family is strange and there's so many odd stories and senseless dramas-- and boy, anger runs in the veins of the family. DH and I decided that blood does not make a family... This is why we don't see them.
The red - that's MY family! I grew up having things I'd done at 18 months (yes, I said MONTHS) thrown in my face - and being given as reasons why I couldn't do things when I was 16 years old. lol - my husband thinks that's why I have such an excellent memory and such great conversation recall... because I was required to remember EVERYTHING I ever said or did, and my motivation for it. People get shocked when I come out with something along the lines of "I remember that day. You were wearing a green shirt and said abc, and I said jkl and THAT'S when Joe bumped you from behind and that pen mark got on Scott's shirt". People who know me well just nod but folks who don't think I'm hanging onto grudges and whatnot. Nope... and if you tell a lie to me, I'll remember it - not to use against you, but I can't NOT remember. Verbatim, usually. I lie all the time though and claim not to remember things - it makes life easier.
Oh - and my in laws think I'm a drunk. Early in our marriage, I discovered they were nicer to me if they thought I was tipsy, so whenever we got together with them, I'd make sure they all thought I was drinking. Oops! This is really funny because it's a rare day when I finish a glass of wine ... and rarer still since I pour one like 5 times a year, maybe.
Some people think family means people who have to accept abuse.
I think it's wonderful to stay close to family members if they are deserving of it -- but blood ties don't mean you have to keep any toxic relationship going. The only exception would be a formerly sweet relative who changes from illness or something like alzheimers.
I don't like being around any emotional vampires -- those who leave you feeling drained. There is no reason to let them prey upon you.
Interesting that you have issues with both your parents and your inlaws. When we have issues with one person, we can blame them. When it's more than one, it may be time to look in the mirror. That you have issues with both your own parents and your in laws leads me to think you may have some part in this.
Interesting that you have issues with both your parents and your inlaws. When we have issues with one person, we can blame them. When it's more than one, it may be time to look in the mirror. That you have issues with both your own parents and your in laws leads me to think you may have some part in this.
No matter though. You reap what you sow.
HA! I am sorry, I had to laugh when I read what you wrote. Why on earth would anyone write something so judgmental and condescending? It is very convenient to look at the world w/ such a black and white perspective but it isn't accurate.
Few of us are from homes that were not at least somewhat dysfunctional. So no surprise that the chances would be high to marry into a similarly dysfunctional situation. I know many people who have both parents and inlaws who not only have big issues of their own but also create drama for anyone else in the line of fire.
The only important thing here, really, is that OP and her husband and children have their own lives sorted out. As long as they are doing all they can to have a functioning family unit - it really doesn't matter who gets along with whose parents. It takes an extraordinarily stable as well as flexible marriage to weather the impact of mentally ill, impaired, addicted - whatever! - parents, while remaining committed and close to one another.
All we can do is our best. We raise our children hoping to break the cycles of drama and dysfunction, with as much grace and sanity as possible.
Kudos to the OP for being mature enough to be willing to forgive, let go of the anger, and focus on the people in her life who actually care about who she and her husband and children are - and have established workable, supportive relationships with. That is all that matters in this life. Just because someone shares some DNA, it doesn't give them the right to bully family members.
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. I have no anger towards them any longer - just pity. But I'm not going to put forth the effort I used to. If they want a relationship, then we can have one. Same thing with them and the kids. Them and dh --- and I will focus on those who did not treat me this way. Not that I won't be kind or stop by if we're nearby. But I won't be putting forward any extra effort.
Once she and I got past that, the rest came easily - which is amazing and how it SHOULD be!
This is really funny because it's a rare day when I finish a glass of wine ... and rarer still since I pour one like 5 times a year, maybe.
