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Is there such a thing? What are the top three things you believe make someone a good parent? What are the qualifiers of a bad parent (short of what would be legally defined as abuse/neglect)? Of course there are a million small issue to discuss, but in your opinion what are the biggies?
Oh my goodness. How do you even answer a question like that? Remove abuse/neglect, and it is largely a matter of what each individual values.
But in the spirit of conversation, I'll take a stab:
Good parents:
1. Instill a sense of discipline/hard work/reponsibility in the kids without crushing their spirits.
2. Makes sure the child knows they are loved, even when you have to punish them
3. Uhh... Gives them the space to make decisions for themselves where appropriate, and makes sure they learn to be responsible for their own decisions.
I'm sure I'll change my mind later, but that's what popped in my head first.
Oh my goodness. How do you even answer a question like that? Remove abuse/neglect, and it is largely a matter of what each individual values.
But in the spirit of conversation, I'll take a stab:
Good parents:
1. Instill a sense of discipline/hard work/reponsibility in the kids without crushing their spirits.
2. Makes sure the child knows they are loved, even when you have to punish them
3. Uhh... Gives them the space to make decisions for themselves where appropriate, and makes sure they learn to be responsible for their own decisions.
I'm sure I'll change my mind later, but that's what popped in my head first.
Kudos for trying! I know the answers will be very subjective. It is meant to take us a step back from the little arguments that often arise and consider what we are really aiming for. One of the challenges in making my list is that I want to go based on results or what the child does to measure the parent but that may not be the best measure. I see you have a great balance in each of your 3 things but still they depend somehow on the child's understanding/knowing/receiving the lessons and the love. This is tricky because at what age do you measure your parenting against your child? Some kids are horribly rebellious for years and then come back and realize their parents loved them all along and remember the lessons they were taught from the beginning. Some may never "get it". The parents actions could be the ones you described but the results can vary.
More and more I think good parenting is based on what you exemplify and not on what they learn. I also like your addition of "I'm sure I'll change my mind later" that is a common feeling I have when trying to develop a stance or idea and it is the and it is the ability to change that keeps us growing!
So here's the three I am thinking of:
1) Listen to your children, Love them, Know them, Respect them, Help them, Enjoy them.
2) Show your children how to learn, Show them how to work, Show them how to give, Show them how to apologize (by apologizing to them if needed and to others in their presence, sincerely.)
3) Correct your children. Tell them what you expect and don't ignore poor behavior. Give/allow consequences and explain how they can avoid those in the future.
I probably didn't even follow my own rules, but there we go.
As far as what makes a bad parent (without the abuse factor)
One who is entirely too busy for their child.
One who is "never wrong" thus never apologizes.
The "do as I say not as I do" mentality.
One who lies or manipulates their children.
One who allows fear to lead them and deprives their child of many experiences and learning opportunities.
Even as I write this it is hard for me to think of someone who IS like this all of the time. Most of these are attitudes and things anyone could slip into. They are not always things you can see from the outside (like the good parent list) but I believe the kids somehow know. So what am I missing? Any more input?
One of the challenges in making my list is that I want to go based on results or what the child does to measure the parent but that may not be the best measure.
Wow, that is such a great point. It's true too, sometimes the parents really don't have much to do with how the child turned out, they were doing the best they could. So maybe that shouldn't be the measure. Wow I'm really going to have to think about this. But I do like your list... I suspect I will borrow heavily from it LOL.
Good:
1. Effective positive discipline aimed at teaching self discipline and problem solving skills. Recognizing the importance of self worth as a motivator for positive self image and desire to behave according to said positive self image.
2. Patience.
3. Valuing and respecting them for who they are, not trying to change them into someone else.
I fail FAR too often with step 2. It upsets me since I want to be a good parent. Getting frustrated at the kids for just being kids is not good for their sense of worth or the environment in the home. I keep plugging away at it. It has taught me a lot of apology and request for forgiveness skills. Luckily so far, they are always willing to give it.
Good:
1. Effective positive discipline aimed at teaching self discipline and problem solving skills. Recognizing the importance of self worth as a motivator for positive self image and desire to behave according to said positive self image. 2. Patience.
3. Valuing and respecting them for who they are, not trying to change them into someone else.
I fail FAR too often with step 2. It upsets me since I want to be a good parent. Getting frustrated at the kids for just being kids is not good for their sense of worth or the environment in the home. I keep plugging away at it. It has taught me a lot of apology and request for forgiveness skills. Luckily so far, they are always willing to give it.
Love your post! You kept it really simple and were very clear. I like how you talked about effective parenting but still left the focus on the parenting and not on the all child's response. It IS important to be effective and to keep trying new things if you see that you clearly are not. I can really relate to your frustration. Of course we all want to be good parents but I think most of us will fall short (at least a little) of our own definitions. That was on reason I wanted to have this conversation! It is so different from the typical "I do this and this and this and you should too" that we end up doing on some topical threads.
In a nutshell, I would say:
1. Parents who love their children...and not just say it, but show it.
2. Parents who provide their child's basic needs for food, clothes, shelter, medical care, education, etc.
3. Parents who teach their children what they need to survive and function in the world, and what they need to succeed. Like discipline, respect, good work ethic, values, morals, etc. The morals and values would vary with different families of course.
I would venture to say most people are "good parents" according to my standards. Some could be better, but outside of those basic things, it becomes a personal issue and none of my business. I'm not very quick to label anyone a bad parent unless they are abusive or neglectful. Different opinions or childrearing methods is not enough to qualify as a bad parent imo.
In a nutshell, I would say:
1. Parents who love their children...and not just say it, but show it.
2. Parents who provide their child's basic needs for food, clothes, shelter, medical care, education, etc.
3. Parents who teach their children what they need to survive and function in the world, and what they need to succeed. Like discipline, respect, good work ethic, values, morals, etc. The morals and values would vary with different families of course.
I would venture to say most people are "good parents" according to my standards. Some could be better, but outside of those basic things, it becomes a personal issue and none of my business. I'm not very quick to label anyone a bad parent unless they are abusive or neglectful. Different opinions or childrearing methods is not enough to qualify as a bad parent imo.
Good parenting:
1. Provide a safe and loving home.
2. Try to impart good values such as basic kindness, honesty, good work ethics, etc.
3. Tries to prepare kids for a productive adulthood.
I think that we all have our hearts in the right place. We make mistakes here and there and sometimes feel like bad parents but most of us try our best and at the end of a long day, hopefully our kids realize it too.
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