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I married my husband in my early twenties and never discussed the child factor thinking it will happen eventually. So after trying for over 5 years and going to multiple doctors, it turns out that it's not me that can't have children, it is my husband. It hit us hard especially him since he did not know of his flaw and felt like his manhood is gone. He is an amazing husband and devoted to me and his career. I have talked to him multiple times about perhaps going through surgery or if we should have some kind of plan with no clear response. He keeps playing the waiting game and I am terrified that by the time he makes up his mind, I will be too old to have children. My mom had a child at 34 but had many complications such as diabetes so I am afraid that it runs in the family and I might have it too. I've always pictures myself as a young mom with my own children. I have pondered the idea of adoption but would rather have my own. I know he has a fear of having surgery in a spot that is so important and the doctors can not guarantee results, which i understand.
Now approaching my 30th birthday and I have serious anxiety about this. Every time I mention is he gets defensive and distant. I have suggested seeing a marriage counselor but he refuses to go. I started seeing a therapist on my own and she suggested to move out of our small town into a city. Here I am in the city of Chicago now with the same exact problems but only alone without the friends/family support circle. We moved here to Chicago for him to continue his education and I left everything behind with hope of a bigger and better future. He is doing great with his school, found a job in his field and jumped into the city life with ease. I am working for a CPA and falling into depression sitting at a desk from 9-5 just to collect the salary.
Am I panicking for no reason or is there a real problem here? I do not want to keep straining our relationship but I can't stop dreaming/thinking/worrying/researching about what to do! Am I just bored or is this a serious issue? So confused on what to do because he is so loving, playful and caring but this is the one BIG issue we just cant get resolved. How much longer should I wait??
the Doctor that he saw said he cannot guarantee it. I tried to convince my h to see another doc but he refuses, I think its because he fears even more bad news.
Technically, there IS help via (his surgery) and/or reproductive endocrinology (donor sperm, donor eggs).
Emotionally, only you will know what will work for you as a couple, and how far you personally can go (waiting, nurturing, talking it over) until you reach the end of your rope.
A woman I know was in her late 40s when she decided she wanted to be a mother after all, after 20+ years of living childless with her husband. Her husband still didn't want kids. As she was going through RE (reproductive endocrinology) treatments (preparing her body to transfer donor egg, inseminated by donor sperm), she was going through ugly divorce as well. She ended up having twins, and her husband turned around and loves the boys.
Many more stories of late motherhood. Of course they regret waiting that long. (They don't regret their kids, though!) So it's up to you, just how long are you willing to work with your husband.
If you don't mind me asking, what exactly is his issue? Azoospermia, oligospermia, low motility, poor morphology? Knowing what the problem is can help us give better advice. Has he seen a urologist? Some sperm issues can be cleared up there.
You don't need to panic, but if you're ready for children now then this is the time to act as fertility treatments can take time. Make an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist if you haven't already. If you have and haven't been happy with the results, look for another for a second opinion.
If your husband's issue is one that can't be worked around with surgery or IVF, there's always donor sperm. It can feel like another hit to his manhood, but lots of couples use donor sperm so you're far from alone. You two can search through sperm bank registries (my work suggests Xytex and California Cryobank. Some patients use Fairfax but there have been an unusually high number of recalls for genetic diseases so the doctors have decided to remove it from their recommendation list). Go through and find a donor who looks similar to your husband and has a similar build.
No matter the problem, there are solutions. But the only way to find out what the solutions are for your particular case is to get the ball rolling now.
. It hit us hard especially him since he did not know of his flaw and felt like his manhood is gone.
Who uses the word "flaw", you or your husband?
And since when is a medical condition a "flaw"? (A flaw is a door ding on your car. He's not "flawed". He has a medical problem.)
Perhaps he needs a little support in realizing his manhood is not dependent on whether or not he can father child. If the word flaw is being used I can't imagine he's feeling very good about himself right now.
Are you seeing a therapist where you live now? If not, I would start there. Possibly checking in with a marriage counselor and going on your own if hubby won't go with. Maybe you can get some strategies there on how to get him to open up to you about what he wants.
I am not sure exactly what the name of the condition is but the sperm is being blocked my a wall. That is how he explained it to me. Originally I thought it was me who had the problem and I started getting medical treatment right away. However, since it is not me I can not MAKE him go. I have been trying to suggest options and talk to him about making plans, but he keeps postponing any solution. I have been nothing but supporting and "flaw" was his word. I should of used another term, I apologize.
I even suggested getting sperm from one of his family members so it would still be in the bloodline, but he hated the thought of that. I do understand how difficult it is for him and I wouldn't of reached out for advice here if it was an easy solution. I don't want to keep straining the marriage but I also don't want to be in the same boat 10 years from now. I definitely feel like I am in panic mode and am running out of options.
I have been nothing but supporting and "flaw" was his word. I should of used another term, I apologize.
Nothing to apologize for if he's the one using the term. I was just trying to find out where that came from.
But do you see what I'm getting at? If he's using that term he's going to need some support getting past thinking he's flawed. It sounds like you are very supportive but it may not be enough for him to learn to think about this in a different way.
Would he see a therapist or someone who can help him deal with this? You know men think differently about these things then women do, right? A man who will take his car in to get worked on if it isn't running well will not always take HIMSELF in. Especially if it's THAT part that needs to be worked on.
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