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Old 07-18-2012, 10:08 AM
 
Location: middle of everywhere
1,863 posts, read 4,291,330 times
Reputation: 1915

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Per our divorce agreement, my ex gets our daughter for the summer. This is the first time he is on leave (military) for the whole summer with her. I found out that he had some work issue that will take him away from her for 10 days. He said she would be left with one of her grandparents.

Three days passed, I didn't hear from her, and she is a child that calls me 2,3 times a day. I called her grandmother who told me she was staying with her cousins, who are all in care of some friends of the family, she didn't know when they were going to be brought back, and she did not have a contact number. I was livid. I had to contact another of his family members on Facebook- to get the phone number of the person my daughter is staying with.

I have only met this person briefly (meaning a few minutes, years ago). She is the godmother of my daughters cousins, who are also there. I know that she has taken care of my daughter before, but I still don't know her well. (my ex's whole family seem to be lackadaisical about who they leave their kids with.)

As a little girl, I was molested by the friend of a family member. I'm not damaged in the sense that I fear everyone my child is around, but I want to protect her and I am not comfortable putting her with people I do not know. My mother is furious about the whole situation and told me that I should tell her dad of he can't take care of her, he can't get her for extended amounts of time. My mom is still upset about the situation I went through obviously, but I cannot remove my daughter everytime her dad does something like this- we have a strained relationship at best, and too much conflict will mean a trip back to the courthouse, which neither of us want.

I filed a parental agreement specifying that she is only to be in care of immediate family members for extended amounts of time. But how is that enforced when the other parent won't follow through with what was agreed to?
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:25 AM
 
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Legally I have no experience or advice. As a mother, I'd grab my child quick and fast! Period! nothing else to say!
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:27 AM
 
17,167 posts, read 16,318,420 times
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Is your ex legally obligated to follow the parental agreement that you filed? What is considered to be an "extended" amount of time per the agreement? How old is your daughter?

I really feel for you as a mom, myself. I don't really understand all of the legalities involved, but unless these terms have really been spelled out in court, I don't know that there is much that you can do about it - unless you have real evidence of abuse/neglect. He is her dad and he must think that this arrangement is appropriate for your daughter....Since you are concerned, maybe you should talk to your lawyer.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:42 AM
 
83 posts, read 105,479 times
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I get my daughter during the summers also,,but I'd never leave her with just any "friend" unless the trust factor was high!!!...You would probably have to go back to court and file a custody modification if the rules aren't being followed. Each state had different rules/laws about it.., that would probably make your strained relationship even more strained but the safety of your daughter should come first....My ex wife and I were strained at first but one thing is for sure we are both very cautious when it comes to our daughter,,In fact, I think I'm more cautious than her lol....Good luck with it all!
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:42 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,495 posts, read 26,795,956 times
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One thing that will help is to get your daughter a cell phone, and send it with her when she goes with her dad. That way she can always call you, no matter where she is.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:49 AM
 
Location: middle of everywhere
1,863 posts, read 4,291,330 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by springfieldva View Post
Is your ex legally obligated to follow the parental agreement that you filed? What is considered to be an "extended" amount of time per the agreement? How old is your daughter?

I really feel for you as a mom, myself. I don't really understand all of the legalities involved, but unless these terms have really been spelled out in court, I don't know that there is much that you can do about it - unless you have real evidence of abuse/neglect. He is her dad and he must think that this arrangement is appropriate for your daughter....Since you are concerned, maybe you should talk to your lawyer.

Yes he is obligated- we stood in court together, while it was read by my lawyer to the judge, and he agreed to it.

This is what is stated:

If during visitation time, dad needs to be away from ^^^^ for work or
> personal reasons for 48 hours or more, mother should be contacted in case
> different arrangements need to be made.


She is almost 11 years old. There is no abuse/neglect- nothing bad has happened. I just wanted another point of view in case I was being unreasonable because of what happened to me in the past. I don't wake up everyday thining harm will come to her, and I certainly would not go around implying that anyone would do anything or allow anything to be done to her.

I do expect her father to make proper arrangements. It took him a day to get me the phone number to where she was, by then I had already spoken to her. Thank goodness for Facebook messaging.
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Old 07-18-2012, 12:00 PM
 
Location: middle of everywhere
1,863 posts, read 4,291,330 times
Reputation: 1915
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
One thing that will help is to get your daughter a cell phone, and send it with her when she goes with her dad. That way she can always call you, no matter where she is.
This is a good idea, it crossed my mind before but I didn't get her one. I will do that before she visits him again.
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Old 07-18-2012, 12:19 PM
 
17,167 posts, read 16,318,420 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Glitterific View Post
Yes he is obligated- we stood in court together, while it was read by my lawyer to the judge, and he agreed to it.

This is what is stated:

If during visitation time, dad needs to be away from ^^^^ for work or
> personal reasons for 48 hours or more, mother should be contacted in case
> different arrangements need to be made.

She is almost 11 years old. There is no abuse/neglect- nothing bad has happened. I just wanted another point of view in case I was being unreasonable because of what happened to me in the past. I don't wake up everyday thining harm will come to her, and I certainly would not go around implying that anyone would do anything or allow anything to be done to her.

I do expect her father to make proper arrangements. It took him a day to get me the phone number to where she was, by then I had already spoken to her. Thank goodness for Facebook messaging.
I think you have the right to be upset. Of course your ex knows that you should have been told about this arrangement. It sounds like he avoided telling you about it because he knew you wouldn't be happy about it and would ask for her to be sent home.

Still, he has a duty to keep you informed about your daughter's whereabouts. He just does. At the same time, she's not a baby anymore and she is probably having a lot of fun where she is. But I can understand your worries - who are these people and are they providing adequate supervision? You might want to call your lawyer and get this documented just in case this is a start of a pattern.

Definitely send a cell phone with her the next time.
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Old 07-18-2012, 12:58 PM
 
Location: middle of everywhere
1,863 posts, read 4,291,330 times
Reputation: 1915
Quote:
Originally Posted by springfieldva View Post
I think you have the right to be upset. Of course your ex knows that you should have been told about this arrangement. It sounds like he avoided telling you about it because he knew you wouldn't be happy about it and would ask for her to be sent home.

Still, he has a duty to keep you informed about your daughter's whereabouts. He just does. At the same time, she's not a baby anymore and she is probably having a lot of fun where she is. But I can understand your worries - who are these people and are they providing adequate supervision? You might want to call your lawyer and get this documented just in case this is a start of a pattern.

Definitely send a cell phone with her the next time.
I actually just spoke to her, she is having a great time. She is with her cousins which I'm going to assume is why she was sent to stay with these people. I know she has stayed with them in past, and I was told these are people his family has known for a long time.

I'm just going to let him know that I don't want to be kept in the dark, I was told A, when the plan was B. I'm not going to go to court, but I will remind him he signed an agreement and perhaps needs to refresh his memory.

I will leave the issue alone, and then send her with a cellphone from here on out to ease my fears.

Thanks everyone.
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:04 PM
 
Location: North America
14,204 posts, read 12,244,050 times
Reputation: 5565
If the agreement specifies that he can only leave her with family members and he is leaving her with friends then you are well within your bounds to press the issue. Even if not a judge would usually by default go with your gut if you were against it as the primary caregiver.
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