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Old 07-26-2012, 11:28 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,284 posts, read 12,900,631 times
Reputation: 8956

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Why would she have to pay you for her flute? It BELONGS to her. When you GIVE someone something, it becomes their possession. I think she could have sued you in small claims court for selling one of HER possessions.
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Old 07-26-2012, 11:53 PM
 
2,763 posts, read 5,743,626 times
Reputation: 2791
I still stand by what I said. You need to grow up.
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Old 07-26-2012, 11:57 PM
 
7,743 posts, read 15,838,159 times
Reputation: 10451
Honestly... It only comes off as us being harsh, but the reality is... you're equally as harsh.

But... I have to agree with everyone-- I don't agree with the way you've dealt with the flute issue. I do think it's something you should've asked first and wouldn't have demanded a repayment or anything like that.



Quote:
Originally Posted by jujub529 View Post
After reading all the replies I must say that there were some that were VERY harsh. I came here looking for support and advise on how to handle this whole situation. Not get bashed. Keep in mind that you don't know the WHOLE story (there isn't enough time or room to go into it all). I also read the advise to grow thicker skin and not let the FB things affect me. I've hidden her posts so that I don't get caught off guard when I go on.

I've written her a letter explaining to her that I wasn't happy about being ignored and bashed on FB. And that is why I really didn't have anything to *chat* about. I didn't want to say anything that would have ended in an argument. I also reminded her of all the great times we had together when she was living with us. I sent this letter via FB message. She called me that night. We talked for about 30 minutes. We agreed to meet with our pastor for a bit of counseling and an opportunity to talk some of these things out.

And for what it's worth, for those of you who said that I was being rude for selling her flute without asking her first...I'M THE PARENT. IT'S MY RULES. I PAID FOR THE FLUTE AND I WILL SELL IF I FEEL NECESSARY. I did tell her that if she wanted the flute back, she (or anyone else) could pay me half of what I paid for it and she could have it back.
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Old 07-27-2012, 12:06 AM
 
Location: Ohio
3,437 posts, read 6,064,542 times
Reputation: 2700
I didn't see it anywhere ... so, What does DAD say about all this?
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Old 07-27-2012, 07:48 AM
 
8,231 posts, read 17,288,460 times
Reputation: 3696
I don't want to bash you, I want to be honest. You're the mom- and you need to remember that this isn't just about a flute, or facebook. It's about a lifetime relationship. You are being petty and trying to "win". This isn't something to win or lose. Your daughter is hurting, and if you continue this way, you'll lose her. Does that matter to you?
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Old 07-27-2012, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
3,388 posts, read 3,897,551 times
Reputation: 2410
Just for the sake of taking the other pole, I do think it was effective for the OP to message her daughter, particularly since it led to a phone conversation and an agreement to talk through their differences with a neutral third party. A counselor familiar with the specifics of their situation is likely going to be more useful to them than all of the C- D feedback in the world, YKWIM?
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Old 07-27-2012, 08:19 AM
 
Location: North America
14,204 posts, read 12,249,275 times
Reputation: 5565
Quote:
Originally Posted by jujub529 View Post
After reading all the replies I must say that there were some that were VERY harsh. I came here looking for support and advise on how to handle this whole situation. Not get bashed. Keep in mind that you don't know the WHOLE story (there isn't enough time or room to go into it all). I also read the advise to grow thicker skin and not let the FB things affect me. I've hidden her posts so that I don't get caught off guard when I go on.

I've written her a letter explaining to her that I wasn't happy about being ignored and bashed on FB. And that is why I really didn't have anything to *chat* about. I didn't want to say anything that would have ended in an argument. I also reminded her of all the great times we had together when she was living with us. I sent this letter via FB message. She called me that night. We talked for about 30 minutes. We agreed to meet with our pastor for a bit of counseling and an opportunity to talk some of these things out.

And for what it's worth, for those of you who said that I was being rude for selling her flute without asking her first...I'M THE PARENT. IT'S MY RULES. I PAID FOR THE FLUTE AND I WILL SELL IF I FEEL NECESSARY. I did tell her that if she wanted the flute back, she (or anyone else) could pay me half of what I paid for it and she could have it back.
So you didn't want advice you wanted affirmation then? And i'm sorry but selling your childs instrument because you don't feel like working is pretty low. The fact is the WHOLE story probaly shows both sides in fault which is usually the case. But in the end whether or not you like how she acts as you said YOU ARE THE PARENT so you need to act like one.
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Old 07-27-2012, 08:21 AM
 
8,231 posts, read 17,288,460 times
Reputation: 3696
Quote:
Originally Posted by eastwesteastagain View Post
Just for the sake of taking the other pole, I do think it was effective for the OP to message her daughter, particularly since it led to a phone conversation and an agreement to talk through their differences with a neutral third party. A counselor familiar with the specifics of their situation is likely going to be more useful to them than all of the C- D feedback in the world, YKWIM?
I agree. Completely.
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Old 07-27-2012, 10:53 AM
 
Location: Denver CO
93 posts, read 156,107 times
Reputation: 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by jujub529 View Post
Okay, here's the scoop. Last year my then 16 yo daughter decided that the grass is greener at her fathers house and moved in with him. Since than she has only come over a hand full of times. Most of them ending the time within a couple of hours due to an argument because I asked her a question that she didn't want to answer. Mostly about school or her boyfriend which I have never met. She hasn't called for birthday's, holiday's, Mother's Day or even after I had surgery. She completely blew off visiting her grand parents that we haven't seen for over 2 years when there were here visiting from out of state. I invited her 3 different times to come over.

I've been her "friend" on Facebook since she had the account open (about 4 years or so). The only things I see her posting are things that are very upsetting to me. i.e. making fun of some one at her school with other "friends" on FB, pictures of a promise ring her boyfriend gave her, pictures of her kissing her boyfriend (again, I've never met this boy), etc.

Last week, she discovered that I placed her flute for sale on craigslist. I have child support to pay and don't work. (I'm a stay at home mom {which started because she was having so much trouble in school and I was advised by the school counselors as well as professional family therapists that she would benefit more if I were at home to help her. So I quite my job.}). She sends me a FB e mail telling me that she is very upset because I'm selling the flute. That she wanted to play in college (she hasn't played in over a year, never practiced when she was in the band and she failed her Jr. year in HS and has a 59.63 GPA currently), she and that flute have been through a lot together, and how could I do such a terrible thing to her. Then she posts on her FB wall that the only talent she ever had is now gone forever and her dream is dead. The next day she posts a message about how there is something wrong with her, how she doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut, how she has hurt people in the last few days, ruined some important relationships, etc. And asking for forgiveness. (She has done this before when she is looking for a pity party.) She even contacted my sister-in-law and gave her a big sob story about how I don't want to talk to her, that she doesn't feel comfortable or welcome anymore, how I'm selling her flute because I don't care about her. My sister-in-law called me last night and gave me and my husband a huge lecture on unconditional love, how we need to keep our door and hearts open to her, blah, blah, blah.

I've hidden her posts so that they aren't "in my face" when I'm not expecting it but still able to check out her wall if I want. However, she saw that I was online yesterday and sent me a "chat" hi. I don't want to enable her to hide behind FB to talk to me. I won't allow a mass FB post asking for forgiveness as a personal "I'm sorry, can we work on this". I want her to take responsibility for her actions and face things like an adult. She needs to CALL me. Facebook is terrible when it comes to "talking" to people. I feel that this social networking is creating anti-social behavior. However, I understand that this is the way the younger generation communicates now. Gone are the days of a personal phone call, thank you note, or even a face to face conversation. And should I even mention the lack of spelling skills due to texting? I'm afraid that if I unfriend her on FB that she will think I'm closing the door to her completely.

So I guess my question is, what would you do?
Having had a fractured relationship with my daughter at one point when she decided her father's home in MI was where she wanted to be, I totally can relate. Our situations are much different, but I can say the strained moments we shared are quite similar to yours with your girl. I'm happy to report that over the past couple of years we've grown super close, even though we don't physically see each other all that much throughout the year. She and I can be completely open and honest with each other. She consults me for the important issues in her life and feels that even though she lives with dad and sees him every day, she just doesn't have the connection with him.

She's 14 now, but very mature for her age. Very articulate. Most people that meet her for the first time say she carries herself (and appears) more like a 16-17 yr old.

When she's in MI with dad, she and I converse through text and FB a lot but at least once a week if either of us haven't called, one of us will - just to maintain that voice connection. I never enforced any heavy rules of our communication on her, just let her come to me and eventually she did and now I can say our relationship is better than even when we lived together.

My suggestion to you - let the flute issue go unless you are dirt-poor and desperate for the money. Try and leave the child support issue away from her if you can (my daughter said that was a sore spot with her. Whenever she'd tell me she needed clothes or school supplies, I would say that since I pay her dad $450 per month, she shouldn't be asking ME for anything. While it's the truth, I also realized I needed to leave her out of that and take that issue up with her dad).

Even though she may never use the flute again and seems ungrateful for you even buying it in the first place, for some reason, this flute means something to her. I wouldn't ask her to pay half, I'd just let her have the damn thing and drop it completely. That's just my take and how *I* would handle the situation with my own kid if it were me. Obviously, I don't know you or your situation and I'm not passing judgment, just simply a suggestion.

Try and rebuild your relationship slowly over time. My husband was just told by his therapist that teenage girls can really test a parent's patience, will, strength and on and on. Some do it out of spite when told no. Some do it because they simply want to try and rule their parents. Some do it without even realizing it. All I know is that I wouldn't give up what my daughter and I now have for anything.

If you can, I'd suggest to send her a message/email/voicemail/whatever and just let her know that you'd love to hear her voice just once a week. Sure, the IM, FB msg, texts can all be fine day-to-day, but let her know you miss that connection with her and want to get back to yourselves. Tell her it would mean the world to you if she just called you or would show up on your doorstep out of the blue!

Let me know if I can be of any help or if you just care to vent. I'm here and not going to judge you, your parenting style, your life. I don't know you and wouldn't say the nasty things that other perfect strangers here seem to think is appropriate or that they have a right to do.
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Old 07-27-2012, 11:45 AM
 
Location: michigan
58 posts, read 247,789 times
Reputation: 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mel&Steven6712 View Post
Having had a fractured relationship with my daughter at one point when she decided her father's home in MI was where she wanted to be, I totally can relate. Our situations are much different, but I can say the strained moments we shared are quite similar to yours with your girl. I'm happy to report that over the past couple of years we've grown super close, even though we don't physically see each other all that much throughout the year. She and I can be completely open and honest with each other. She consults me for the important issues in her life and feels that even though she lives with dad and sees him every day, she just doesn't have the connection with him.

She's 14 now, but very mature for her age. Very articulate. Most people that meet her for the first time say she carries herself (and appears) more like a 16-17 yr old.

When she's in MI with dad, she and I converse through text and FB a lot but at least once a week if either of us haven't called, one of us will - just to maintain that voice connection. I never enforced any heavy rules of our communication on her, just let her come to me and eventually she did and now I can say our relationship is better than even when we lived together.

My suggestion to you - let the flute issue go unless you are dirt-poor and desperate for the money. Try and leave the child support issue away from her if you can (my daughter said that was a sore spot with her. Whenever she'd tell me she needed clothes or school supplies, I would say that since I pay her dad $450 per month, she shouldn't be asking ME for anything. While it's the truth, I also realized I needed to leave her out of that and take that issue up with her dad).

Even though she may never use the flute again and seems ungrateful for you even buying it in the first place, for some reason, this flute means something to her. I wouldn't ask her to pay half, I'd just let her have the damn thing and drop it completely. That's just my take and how *I* would handle the situation with my own kid if it were me. Obviously, I don't know you or your situation and I'm not passing judgment, just simply a suggestion.

Try and rebuild your relationship slowly over time. My husband was just told by his therapist that teenage girls can really test a parent's patience, will, strength and on and on. Some do it out of spite when told no. Some do it because they simply want to try and rule their parents. Some do it without even realizing it. All I know is that I wouldn't give up what my daughter and I now have for anything.

If you can, I'd suggest to send her a message/email/voicemail/whatever and just let her know that you'd love to hear her voice just once a week. Sure, the IM, FB msg, texts can all be fine day-to-day, but let her know you miss that connection with her and want to get back to yourselves. Tell her it would mean the world to you if she just called you or would show up on your doorstep out of the blue!

Let me know if I can be of any help or if you just care to vent. I'm here and not going to judge you, your parenting style, your life. I don't know you and wouldn't say the nasty things that other perfect strangers here seem to think is appropriate or that they have a right to do.
Thank you. This is the kind of reply I was hoping for...Constructive criticism, and honest suggestions.
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