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Okay, here's the scoop. Last year my then 16 yo daughter decided that the grass is greener at her fathers house and moved in with him. Since than she has only come over a hand full of times. Most of them ending the time within a couple of hours due to an argument because I asked her a question that she didn't want to answer. Mostly about school or her boyfriend which I have never met. She hasn't called for birthday's, holiday's, Mother's Day or even after I had surgery. She completely blew off visiting her grand parents that we haven't seen for over 2 years when there were here visiting from out of state. I invited her 3 different times to come over.
I've been her "friend" on Facebook since she had the account open (about 4 years or so). The only things I see her posting are things that are very upsetting to me. i.e. making fun of some one at her school with other "friends" on FB, pictures of a promise ring her boyfriend gave her, pictures of her kissing her boyfriend (again, I've never met this boy), etc.
Last week, she discovered that I placed her flute for sale on craigslist. I have child support to pay and don't work. (I'm a stay at home mom {which started because she was having so much trouble in school and I was advised by the school counselors as well as professional family therapists that she would benefit more if I were at home to help her. So I quite my job.}). She sends me a FB e mail telling me that she is very upset because I'm selling the flute. That she wanted to play in college (she hasn't played in over a year, never practiced when she was in the band and she failed her Jr. year in HS and has a 59.63 GPA currently), she and that flute have been through a lot together, and how could I do such a terrible thing to her. Then she posts on her FB wall that the only talent she ever had is now gone forever and her dream is dead. The next day she posts a message about how there is something wrong with her, how she doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut, how she has hurt people in the last few days, ruined some important relationships, etc. And asking for forgiveness. (She has done this before when she is looking for a pity party.) She even contacted my sister-in-law and gave her a big sob story about how I don't want to talk to her, that she doesn't feel comfortable or welcome anymore, how I'm selling her flute because I don't care about her. My sister-in-law called me last night and gave me and my husband a huge lecture on unconditional love, how we need to keep our door and hearts open to her, blah, blah, blah.
I've hidden her posts so that they aren't "in my face" when I'm not expecting it but still able to check out her wall if I want. However, she saw that I was online yesterday and sent me a "chat" hi. I don't want to enable her to hide behind FB to talk to me. I won't allow a mass FB post asking for forgiveness as a personal "I'm sorry, can we work on this". I want her to take responsibility for her actions and face things like an adult. She needs to CALL me. Facebook is terrible when it comes to "talking" to people. I feel that this social networking is creating anti-social behavior. However, I understand that this is the way the younger generation communicates now. Gone are the days of a personal phone call, thank you note, or even a face to face conversation. And should I even mention the lack of spelling skills due to texting? I'm afraid that if I unfriend her on FB that she will think I'm closing the door to her completely.
So you have troubled teenaged daughter who is making an effort to keep the lines of communication open and you are seriously considering rejecting her because her efforts are not wrapped up in the package you want them to be?
You say you are a SAHM and have to pay child support...do you have other kids at home that need your attention or is she the only child? If so, I'd think you can most likely get a job which might relieve some financial stress.
You have way bigger issues than facebook. Honestly, you sound immature. Grow up, get a job, pay child support. Some people simply don't have the option to be a SAHM. Sounds like you're one of them.
I wouldn't sell the flute. In fact I'd send her a FB message and ask if she wanted to come over and get it. Then use the opportunity to talk with her. "Hi. How are you? Do you think you'll play some more now?"
I wouldn't mention the boyfriend, her dad OR spelling on FB. Short and sweet and shut the heck up with comments about the promise ring. I'd ask her if she wanted to grab some lunch. If she said yes we'd go and grab a burger and talk about whatever she wanted to talk about.
Interesting that you consider your sister-in-law's advice to be nothing but "blah, blah, blah". I think you want your way or the highway. That's not how life works. If you aren't willing to accept your daughter for what she is, a human being who isn't perfect, your chances of having a relationship with her are pretty much nil. She's not perfect. You're not perfect. None of us are perfect.
@ Maciesmom - first of all the ONLY communication from my daughter has been when she has slammed me on FB. Maybe you didn't read the OP. She hasn't called or tried ANY form of communication in a year. Not on birthday's, holiday's or anything. I hardly feel that a simple "hi" in chat is making and effort. And I am NOT rejecting her by unfriending her. I simply want her to make an effort by making personal contact...like I have several times.
As for being a SAHM, yes, I have 2 other small children at home. Since I've been out of work for 4 years, the only job I could get would be at minimum wage at best. And getting a job would require me to get and pay for daycare for 2 children. It would also raise my child support payments. So me having a job would actually COST me more than I would be making in the long run.
@ Kibbikat - I am not the one being immature. I have made honest attempts at trying to communicate with her from phone calls, "hand written" letters, personal invites to family events such as weddings and family reunions (or maybe you didn't read that part about asking her 3 times to come and visit with her grand parents we haven't seen in over 2 years) Miss you cards, holiday cards, etc. My 5 year old has even mailed her pictures that she colored. I do pay child support and have never been late on the payments. Yes, I am very BLESSED to be able to be a SAHM, but that doesn't come without some sacrifices. As I said above, it would COST me to go back to work. Between an increase in support payments, paying for daycare for 2 kids, and the overall cost of gas, wear and tear on a second vehicle and other expenses with working, I would actually have to pay more than my actual income would provide. As for the bigger issues than facebook. You are absolutely right!!! We've spent years in family counseling with no result. I was simply asking about unfriending on Facebook. Not looking to be slammed by a total stranger.
Selling the flute without asking her if she wanted it was rude.
Removing her from facebook is even more childish. She is atleast trying to keep in contact with you through facebook, better than nothing. She's a teenager, that's more than most parents seem to get.
OP, it seems like fb is the only contact you have with her right now. Do you want to run the risk of cutting off all communication? Whether she "should" contact you in other ways is pretty moot at this point, as she isn't using other ways to contact you. If you would prefer she didn't make public references to you via fb, then just say that. You can express that you would prefer another of method of contact, but honestly, you can't force her to use it. So In a hypothetical forced choice: do you want limited fb contact or no contact at all? Answer that and you'll know what to do.
Why don't you have a court-mandated visitation schedule she has to follow? When I was 15 or so during my Dad's visitation, I decided I didn't like his rules and thought I'd walk back to my mother's. I was physically prevented from leaving and was made to understand that I had no choice about the visitation schedule. You shouldn't be begging and pleading with her; you and your ex, or a judge, if you can't agree, should decide where she will be and when. You certainly shouldn't be playing silly Facebook games as if you were her peer!
I would not unfriend your daughter. You can hide the majority of her posts, as you realize already. I don't understand why you ignored her attempt to chat. That is a two way conversation, it doesn't end up on a FB page. Whether or not you prefer a call is irrelevant. A chat could have opened the door to a call.
It sounds as though you have no contact with her father? For your daughter's sake the two of you should be working together. The kissing and the promise ring sound innocent though, she is 16 after all. I'd be much more concerned with the lousy grades, and what happens when she graduates high school.
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