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But yet, OP is not allowed to say, euphemistically, that the girl is making her life miserable. Methinks there is some deliberate obtuseness abounding on City Data today.
I'll admit to taking the side of this 13-year old. Her life is a mess. But judging from the posts about animals I think there is a whole lot more going on. Any obtuseness, which I can assure you is not deliberate, is because I think there's a 13-year old out there who needs some real help. Beyond what she's currently getting. I'm out because the animal posts are a big clue that something else is going on. Sad.
What did my original post ask for? Did I say anything about how horrid she is? I pointed out the challenges we have with her, yes. To give some sort of clue that this girl is not just some poor innocent victim. She's done horrible things to both my husband and I, simply because she didn't get her way!
My life isn't a wreck because of her. My life is really happy and my marriage is strong and intact.
I'd like to see all of you who claim to have a clue about this girl actually spend one day with her. Your opinions would all change pretty quickly as you watch her throw herself to the ground in a fit of rage the minute you told her no!
I don't think anyone has claimed she isn't difficult. People are trying to point out to you that she is difficult because her home life was torn apart. And then the two people who are supposed to make her a priority over everything else in life (I'm referring to her parents, btw) became focused on their own lives and finding new relationships. She was put on the back burner and this is the result. You're looking for a blissful honeymoon period and this poor girl is wrecking it for you. A mature adult would see this. A selfless parent would see this. Should you get divorced? No. That wouldn't solve anything because you've all already made your choices and she sees your priorities clearly. But her father certainly shouldn't have remarried at this time with everything that was going on with this poor child.
I don't think anyone has claimed she isn't difficult. People are trying to point out to you that she is difficult because her home life was torn apart. And then the two people who are supposed to make her a priority over everything else in life (I'm referring to her parents, btw) became focused on their own lives and finding new relationships. She was put on the back burner and this is the result. You're looking for a blissful honeymoon period and this poor girl is wrecking it for you. A mature adult would see this. A selfless parent would see this. Should you get divorced? No. That wouldn't solve anything because you've all already made your choices and she sees your priorities clearly. But her father certainly shouldn't have remarried at this time with everything that was going on with this poor child.
I think OP is seeing all of this which is why she is reaching out for help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging that the child needs help AND that her behavior is making OP miserable. Since when are adults supposed to be saints, anyway?
In post #96 you said your life is "miserable" so I think you just want to tell me how wrong I am.
And I think you want to do that because maybe, just maybe, what I and a few other posters have been telling you is the truth and some part of you knows it. But you don't want to admit it.
I'd urge you to think about that.
p.s. You said she throws herself to the ground in "rage". Rage is a powerful emotion. Can you imagine what it's like to live when you're filled with rage? Can you imagine what rage is doing to her soul? Can you imagine how damaged she'll be as an adult if she's filled with rage as a 13-year old?
No, you're absolutely right. In post #96 I did say that she made my life miserable. It was in the context that even though she's nasty to me and makes me miserable, I continue treating her nicely, with respect and I continue to want to be in her life even though she doesn't want me around. In turn, my life isn't miserable on a daily basis, it's quite happy.
Yes, she throws fits and what I would consider to be "rage". I liken it to a 2 yr old being told he can't have another cookie. He just becomes overwhelmed with anger and emotion that he can't express it in words, has to kick, cry, scream and throw himself to the ground because he's so upset. Is that type of behavior warranted? Absolutely not. But telling that 2 yr old no versus telling the 13 yr old no should produce different responses.
She completely reverts back to what worked for her when she was younger. Dad says no? Oh, well, this used to work...let's give it a shot. When she's ignored for that type of behavior, she tries the revenge tactic. She'll go home and LIE to her mom saying dad yelled at her in front of everyone at the mall, totally embarrassing her in public. Dad gets the angry call from mom and has to try and explain that it was not HIS tantrum but HERS. Mom doesn't believe him, goes back to babying the kid and hence, she gets some sort of satisfaction from the whole situation.
Again, the kid is VERY HIGHLY manipulative. I've watched her in action. Another case in point: her dad and I had been dating 6 mos. We took her on a camping trip with several friends. Around the campfire, she watched dad ride off on an ATV with a friend then turned and asked me: "why did my parents split up?" I told her that was none of my business and she needed to ask her mother or father that question. End of story, 4 witnesses to this encounter.
Fast forward 2 weeks. She'd already had her week at mom's and at our place and had just been dropped back off at mom's. She saw my post on FB regarding our ADULT poker party to be held the next night. Calls dad, asks if she can come too. Dad says no, it's adults only. There's going to be swearing, drinking and gambling. She begs. He says no, sorry. 15 minutes later, his screaming ex is bitching him out saying "why did you girlfriend call me all kinds of names in front of our daughter and tell her that I caused our divorce by having an ORGY with 6 men IN FRONT OF HER!!" ?????
Yeah, you guessed it...Z was pissed that she was told no, yet again. So what does she do? She LIES to start drama and get attention. Did her mother believe Steven that I never said such things to his kid? Nope. Did she want to call the 4 other people that were present that night? Absolutely not. 2 of those people were Steven's and her friends from when they were married and had only met me that day, so no reason for them to lie on my behalf.
End result: Z gets consoled, taken out to the movies and ice cream that very night all because mom feels bad that she's upset! Oh but mom didn't think anything of the fact that Z had been home with her for an entire week, then at our place and the minute she's told no, all this stuff comes up???? How convenient...
I don't think anyone has claimed she isn't difficult. People are trying to point out to you that she is difficult because her home life was torn apart. And then the two people who are supposed to make her a priority over everything else in life (I'm referring to her parents, btw) became focused on their own lives and finding new relationships. She was put on the back burner and this is the result. You're looking for a blissful honeymoon period and this poor girl is wrecking it for you. A mature adult would see this. A selfless parent would see this. Should you get divorced? No. That wouldn't solve anything because you've all already made your choices and she sees your priorities clearly. But her father certainly shouldn't have remarried at this time with everything that was going on with this poor child.
She was difficult prior to her parents divorce. I've asked her family, her grandparents, Steven's friends. She's ALWAYS been spoiled and bratty and disrespectful. To the point that no one wanted to be around her. So, add to that a divorce and that equals what we're dealing with now.
They did make her their first priority in life. So much so that they spoiled the living crap outta her and never made her responsible or accountable for anything she ever did, ever, period. They lived their lives catering to her every whim, desire, RULE. So, the minute the attention isn't showered on her anymore, she becomes a hellion. It's not all Z's way anymore, so now she's acting out.
Dad and I met by chance. Neither of us wanted a serious relationship. We were friends, both having just went through painful divorces. It blossomed into a relationship. In the beginning, we all got along fine. Sure, there were episodes every now and then but once she realized I wasn't just a fleeting thought in daddy's mind, that's when she started getting nasty.
I don't expect a blissful "honeymoon" at all. I've been married before. I am older, and realize when you blend families, there's really no "alone" time. I get that. And all this started long before we said our I do's...
So, should he have put his own happiness on hold and catered to her still until say, her 18th birthday? Because her behavior has always been selfish and self-centered. They both raised her that way. Now, neither of them can move on and be happy because the kid isn't getting her way (i.e. them back together)?
Yes she is a pill, but she needs some serious help. Everything you described is beyond a garden variety bratty kid to me. 13 year old girls can be absolute terrors, but this one is starting to cross out of the realm of normal.
This is not your fault. Her parents made this mess. She would have gone down this path the longer her father went without getting back with her mom. I don't think he would have helped anything by not dating, it would have just continued the fallacy they built that "love" meant that people should be miserable in order to make her happy, and that any unpleasant feeling expressed by her should result in immediate capitulation by those claiming to "love" her. She would have been angry even if he got married when she was an adult.
Good luck to you all.
ETA: I typed this while you were posting what you did above me, and after reading it, I can say I think you guys are on the right track about sending her to a psychiatrist as soon as you can afford it. Honestly I think you are doing everything you can do right now.
Holy freaking cow at the animals bit. I really don't know what to tell you. Now I see why the therapist said to back off. I think you and hubby have done damn near everything you can do.
All I can say about the visitation making everyone miserable is that you can control whether or not you allow her behavior to phase you in that way. But yeah, that's gotta be tough, worrying about whether your cat will mysteriously bake in the oven while you are at work. Yikes! She is very, very, very angry and really needs to see a professional it sounds like.
A cooling off period and therapy seems in order. I will have my fingers crossed for all of you, but especially the daughter, because she has a lot of issues she needs to learn to control to have a shot at a happy life.
And for the record, the behavior you described sounded like Best Practices For Stepmom 101 to my ears (eyes?). I don't think you've done anything wrong. If there is one thing on the internet outside politics that will inspire massive severe judgment to rain down on you it is a parenting related question, so you should just let that stuff roll off your back IMO. I just goes with the territory of posting that kind of question.
Yes, like I said, she can't be trusted. Whenever she comes over, I typically leave or leave the room at least, but I've begun taking my cat with me.
She's been thru 2 different therapists now. I've suggested to hubby she see a medical mental health specialist, a psychiatrist for her anger and outbursts. Now that mom carries her health insurance, she seems to think kid is just fine, won't do anything about it. We can't afford to pay out of pocket right now, but if hubby's job stabilizes or he finds something else, that's our first expense. She WILL be seeing someone.
I have reached out to a lot of trusted family, friends and read a lot too about stepmoms, blending families, etc. I get frustrated and angry sometimes, but I'm human. I don't take anything out on her, ever.
I'll admit to taking the side of this 13-year old. Her life is a mess. But judging from the posts about animals I think there is a whole lot more going on. Any obtuseness, which I can assure you is not deliberate, is because I think there's a 13-year old out there who needs some real help. Beyond what she's currently getting. I'm out because the animal posts are a big clue that something else is going on. Sad.
Which is why I don't trust her at all. I tried not to take the fish attack personally, but after watching her yank my cat's tail without provocation, that made me internalize things. She has 2 dogs at home (Lab and German Shepherd) who she ADORES and all I can do is hope they're both too large for her to mess with or she's afraid of one of them retaliating (or one of them already has). The dogs seem to be in perfect condition every time I do see them, so I'm thinking they're fine.
Mom seems to think she's fine or at least buries her head in the sand and doesn't want to take responsibility for messing her kid up. She habitually just blames Steven for everything and now Z's starting to do the same.
I don't think anyone has claimed she isn't difficult. People are trying to point out to you that she is difficult because her home life was torn apart. And then the two people who are supposed to make her a priority over everything else in life (I'm referring to her parents, btw) became focused on their own lives and finding new relationships. She was put on the back burner and this is the result. You're looking for a blissful honeymoon period and this poor girl is wrecking it for you. A mature adult would see this. A selfless parent would see this. Should you get divorced? No. That wouldn't solve anything because you've all already made your choices and she sees your priorities clearly. But her father certainly shouldn't have remarried at this time with everything that was going on with this poor child.
Thank you. That's exactly my point.
When you have a kid as messed up as this one, you need to focus on the kid - and I'm sorry, but when you're in the process of starting a new relationship and planning weddings and what not, then you aren't focused on much but your new partner. I purposefully left this out of my posts because hindsight is 20/20, and I realize that.
For all the people that think I'm crazy for suggesting that a father moves in with his own child in order to concentrate on her, not for the purpose of appeasing her but for the purpose of doing whatever he can to straighten her out one on one before this gets any worse - if it were your child, who was harming animals and having sex at 13 - wouldn't you do anything at all to help them?
The newlyweds are in their late 30's, nearly 40, they aren't 27 and starting a new family. The fact that they couldn't put their marriage plans on hold until the girl was either straightened out or old enough to get on with her life after every possible effort was made to sort her out, speaks volumes to me.
Sorry if that hurts anyone's feelings. I'm not against people with teenagers getting married if the kids are stable and doing well and embrace the fact that the parents are moving on. But some kids have issues already and to throw a new spouse into the mix is just fuel to the fire. Therefore, I don't see having to backtrack a little as such a ridiculous idea.
If you love someone that much then you can stay on the sidelines for a couple of years until they sort out the family they already have. I am not advocating they split up completely, but I am advocating that Dad pays all his attention (not spoiling attention, proper disciplinary attention) to his messed up daughter. That he created. Because she deserves that much, regardless of how much she acts out.
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