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You are just going off on tangents. No one mentioned a double standard, asking for a DNA test isn't whining, no one said that men shouldn't claim responsibility for the child they made, or that he isn't half responsible for it. I'm saying that fathers have a right to know whether or not they are raising their child. And don't understand why a man who has doubts should just shut up and deal with it and not take steps to find out, or he's a whiner. You seem to want to get up in arms about a non-issue, hence my response, and I'll say it again: Whatever lady
The problem....I'll say this SLOWLY....is that they are, apparently, in relationships with women who they believe are sleeping around on them and lying to them about the paternity of their child. Yes, it's whining. If you're stupid enough to be in a relationship with a woman you believe is a lying cheating ho and then you complain....it's whining. Seriously guys, if you think that little of her, just don't sleep with her. This is not rocket science.
Any man who asks for a DNA test does not trust the mother of this child. Why are they sleeping with women they don't trust in the first place? Not trusting her is the only reason to ask for a DNA test. Not trusting her is very bad for a relationship.
I think you are extremely focused on the relationship aspect of it. I'm thinking more along the lines of the responsibility to the child involved. Suppose a man is in a relationship and he has doubts about the child being his, but keeps his mouth shut out of fear of insulting the child's mother, or ruining their relationship? What kind of parent will he be with those doubts running through his mind? For that matter, what kind of partner would he be? If there are trust issues in a relationship, they aren't just going to pop up with the baby. They've been there all along.
When it comes to the baby involved, my feelings about the relationship are slim to nothing. Relationships aren't always meant to be anyway, people break up all the time. But having and raising a child is a serious matter. Establishing paternity is also a serious matter. I would still advise a man with any question to get a paternity test, regardless of any hurt feelings it might cause the mother or any harm it might cause the relationship. The relationship can be damned when it comes to a child's best interest.
And your solution would be a great one, if it were an option for most men. But, it would also put all the responsibility on the man, and leave the woman free to sleep around and do what SHE wants with no consequence, wouldn't it? Either way, it's not going to be fair to somebody. Which is why the focus should really be on the child, not the two adults who made their choices.
ETA: You keep talking about your husband. I would hope after years of marriage and two children there wouldn't be an issue like that. DNA tests are usually used by people who are NOT married or in a commited relationship. It's nowhere near the same thing.
Why would he stay in such a relationship? Why would a guy stay with a woman he thinks is a lying cheating ho in the first place? If he thinks she's been sleeping around and doubts the child is his, it's time to get out of the relationship and have a DNA test. It's that simple.
The man is the one complaining here so, yes, I put the responsibility on him. Just as he knows who he's slept with, she knows who she's slept with. The problem here is he wants outside proof that she's not sleeping around which tells me he does not trust her. THAT is the problem.
If you don't trust her, don't sleep with her. If you don't trust her and you've had a child with her, do the right thing and leave. You have no business being in a relationship with someone you're going to demand external proof from for something as important as fidelity. How would you feel if she wanted you to take a lie detector test once a year to prove you hadn't cheated? Loved and trusted?
Yes, this is about the relationship for couples in a relationship. If you're not, who cares if you think the mother of your child is a lying cheating ho. If you are, you have a decision to make. Seriously, if she's not asking you to take lie detector tests why are you asking her to take DNA tests? Trust goes both ways.
As to the child, you have a decision to make. My youngest looks nothing like her dad or me. If someone told me today that they had switched babies when she was born, she'd still be my daughter. Finding out she doesn't have my DNA would not change that. I'm not even sure I'd want to meet the other child. That child isn't mine. She's just, genetically, related to me. I'm quite baffled by how much DNA matters to men when it comes to raising a child. I can understand it if you're being asked to pay child support for child you don't know as yours but I do not understand needing any kind of test once a relationship with the child has been established. That trumps DNA just as my relationship with my dd trumps DNA if it turns out she's not, biologically, mine.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 08-20-2012 at 10:03 AM..
Why would he stay in such a relationship? Why would a guy stay with a woman he thinks is a lying cheating ho in the first place? If he thinks she's been sleeping around and doubts the child is his, it's time to get out of the relationship and have a DNA test. It's that simple.
The man is the one complaining here so, yes, I put the responsibility on him. Just as he knows who he's slept with, she knows who she's slept with. The problem here is he wants outside proof that she's not sleeping around which tells me he does not trust her. THAT is the problem.
If you don't trust her, don't sleep with her. If you don't trust her and you've had a child with her, do the right thing and leave. You have no business being in a relationship with someone you're going to demand external proof from for something as important as fidelity. How would you feel if she wanted you to take a lie detector test once a year to prove you hadn't cheated? Loved and trusted?
Maybe he was okay with the relationship as it was until there was a child involved. Maybe he didn't care if she was cheating or not, until there was a possibility of him being a father. Why would he be in a relationship with someone he didn't trust? Well, because maybe he wasn't in it for marriage, maybe the condom broke, the birth control failed, maybe he was drunk, maybe he was just being plain stupid. There is a million reasons why a man would get himself in this situation, but once he's in it, and he finds out his stupidity, carelessness, or ignorance may have resulted in a pregnancy, he has the right to know for sure that it's his child, and the responsibility to help care for that child.
Once he does ask for a DNA test, and the relationship ends, that's all fine and good. Maybe you're right, and a man SHOULD NOT be with a woman he had to ask for a DNA test. To me, that's irrelevant though. As long as he takes care of the child he helped make, it doesn't even matter. But he does have the right to know, and to ask. The woman can feel how she wants to feel about it.
The problem....I'll say this SLOWLY....is that they are, apparently, in relationships with women who they believe are sleeping around on them and lying to them about the paternity of their child. Yes, it's whining. If you're stupid enough to be in a relationship with a woman you believe is a lying cheating ho and then you complain....it's whining. Seriously guys, if you think that little of her, just don't sleep with her. This is not rocket science.
Wanting to know whether you are actually the father of a child is not whining. It's wanting to know if his child is yours. It's not wanting to give thousands of dollars to a "lying cheating ho" for no reason. Would you say the same thing about a woman who suspects her husband is cheating? Is she "whining" by wanting an STD test? If he gave her an STD would you tell her "Too bad! You married a man *****. Not shut up and deal with your AIDS!" When people are lied to I tend to blame the person doing the lying, not the person being deceived. Your thinking is so backwards.
You assume way too much. You don't know if these people are still in relationships with the women. My guess is most of them aren't. If I were a man and a woman gave me a reason to believe she was cheating, you're right, I wouldn't be with that person any longer, but you better believe I'd want, and deserve to know if I'm actually raising my own children. But of course that would make me a "whiner".
When people are lied to I tend to blame the person doing the lying, not the person being deceived. Your thinking is so backwards.
This.
There are women who will lie to men about paternity for their own selfish reason. Telling a man to "wrap it" when that man may believe he is in a committed relationship makes no sense. Plenty of men wear condoms, the woman gets pregnant by a boyfriend then lies and tells the man "It's yours". And that guy is going to think it is. Because condoms fail, he isn't cheating and he thinks she isn't either.
Then the kid grows up and looks exactly like the neighbor. I don't think it's unreasonable for the man to ask for a DNA test. In fact I think it's responsible. Especially when the woman goes to live with Neighbor who leaves his wife and family. Life is messy. People cheat. Women cheat.
It happens. Were this world a perfect place the "Who's Your Daddy Truck" would go out of business. As it is, I can see it being franchised.
Wanting to know whether you are actually the father of a child is not whining. It's wanting to know if his child is yours. It's not wanting to give thousands of dollars to a "lying cheating ho" for no reason. Would you say the same thing about a woman who suspects her husband is cheating? Is she "whining" by wanting an STD test? If he gave her an STD would you tell her "Too bad! You married a man *****. Not shut up and deal with your AIDS!" When people are lied to I tend to blame the person doing the lying, not the person being deceived. Your thinking is so backwards.
You assume way too much. You don't know if these people are still in relationships with the women. My guess is most of them aren't. If I were a man and a woman gave me a reason to believe she was cheating, you're right, I wouldn't be with that person any longer, but you better believe I'd want, and deserve to know if I'm actually raising my own children. But of course that would make me a "whiner".
I agree with your excellant post, and there can be many reasons why a man would want that test, sometimes when people break up, it's the woman that suddenly decides she wants to move on, maybe she finds someone new, and is now denying the father, saying he's not.....that's just one of many incidences that could go down.....I wouldn't get angry about a dna test, if that's what it takes to make someone feel better I'd go for it....it only shows the truth, and by the time it's asked for, or required, the trust in any relationship that was there would already be gone....at least with the test there'd be no wondering, or doubts, and everyone would know where they stand.
Maybe he was okay with the relationship as it was until there was a child involved. Maybe he didn't care if she was cheating or not, until there was a possibility of him being a father. Why would he be in a relationship with someone he didn't trust? Well, because maybe he wasn't in it for marriage, maybe the condom broke, the birth control failed, maybe he was drunk, maybe he was just being plain stupid. There is a million reasons why a man would get himself in this situation, but once he's in it, and he finds out his stupidity, carelessness, or ignorance may have resulted in a pregnancy, he has the right to know for sure that it's his child, and the responsibility to help care for that child.
Once he does ask for a DNA test, and the relationship ends, that's all fine and good. Maybe you're right, and a man SHOULD NOT be with a woman he had to ask for a DNA test. To me, that's irrelevant though. As long as he takes care of the child he helped make, it doesn't even matter. But he does have the right to know, and to ask. The woman can feel how she wants to feel about it.
If he doesn't care about the relationship, then have the test. That's a no brainer. There is no need to stay in a relationship with someone you think is a lying cheating ho and that is what you think of her if you're asking for a DNA test. That's all there is to it.
Wanting to know whether you are actually the father of a child is not whining. It's wanting to know if his child is yours. It's not wanting to give thousands of dollars to a "lying cheating ho" for no reason. Would you say the same thing about a woman who suspects her husband is cheating? Is she "whining" by wanting an STD test? If he gave her an STD would you tell her "Too bad! You married a man *****. Not shut up and deal with your AIDS!" When people are lied to I tend to blame the person doing the lying, not the person being deceived. Your thinking is so backwards.
You assume way too much. You don't know if these people are still in relationships with the women. My guess is most of them aren't. If I were a man and a woman gave me a reason to believe she was cheating, you're right, I wouldn't be with that person any longer, but you better believe I'd want, and deserve to know if I'm actually raising my own children. But of course that would make me a "whiner".
If you suspect the person is cheating, by all means have the test. I never said you shouldn't. What I don't get is why you're in a relationship with someone you think is cheating in the first place. If they're not with her then there is no issue unless they've already establiished themselves as the child's father. IF that's the case, they're stuck. If I found out today that my kids aren't my biological offspring my responsibility to them would continue because I have established myself as their parent. It's not a piece of DNA that makes me their mother.
I'll pass. I'm not making my dh have an STD test because I believe him when he says he's not cheating. If I did make him have one, that would be a huge red flag in our relationship and I would not blame him for filing for divorce. There is no relationship without trust. And having the test would most likely not help here as the damage is most likely already done....or are you suggesting I should make him have monthly tests or something?
If you don't trust her, have the test. If you're not in a relationship you care about, have the test. Just don't expect to have a relationship with her after you called her a lying cheating ho because that is what you are doing by demanding the test. It's what I'd be doing to my dh if I demanded he go in for STD tests. STD tests are done before marriage just to make sure someone doesn't have something they don't know about. You kind of know when you get pregnant. It's hard to miss the big belly and the screaming baby 9 months later.
I don't get this all women are not to be trusted mentality. You decide if you want to be the child's father. If not, have the DNA test and pray you're not the father. If you do want to be the child's father, DNA doesn't matter. Ask any adoptive parent. It's not DNA that makes us parents. I know that if someone told me today that my kids are not biologically mine, they'd still me just as much mine as they are right now. Nothing would change because a piece of DNA came from someone else. Of course I'd be PO'd at the hospital for the mistake and I'd want to know the child I gave birth to is ok but I'm not giving my kids back.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 08-20-2012 at 11:44 AM..
Meow....this makes the hair stand up on my back....poor babies/children suffer because of illegitimate parents.
That's the sad part. I just don't get bonding with a baby and THEN wanting a DNA test. There is a reason the courts will still hold a man responsible even if the child, later, is shown not to be his. Once you've established yourself as a child's parent, you don't get to change your mind later and I don't know why you would. It is possible babies were switched at birth but I'm not having DNA tests done on my kids now. At this point, I'd rather not even know. They are my kids whether they have my DNA or not.
I do feel for kids when the mother can't find the bio dad. It's not their fault but they pay for her mistake.
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