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I'm not talking about when you tell a child to do something and they say no. Not that type,
I mean the type if you and your child disagree.
Do you allow your child to question/disagree with you verbally? Or is your word law?
How about both?
If my kids ask me if they can do something then my word is law. However, if they ask why I am always willing to give them the reason for my decision. One of my favorite statements is "Just because I am willing to give you a reason that doesn't mean I am willing to argue with you."
We try to ask questions first and then make a decision after talking to the kids and getting the details from them. So I guess we are willing to discuss things with the kids but once we decide we usually stick with our decision.
Whenever my now grown kids disagreed with me usually about permission I would say "Convince me" and I would listen to what they had to say and sometimes they would convince me. I always said "Give me a minute to think this over" and would excuse myself from the room.
But as far as smart mouth or sassy mouth, I'll have one of it. One of my 10 y.o. girls has started to "cop an attitude" only in the last month or two with "So--what about it" kind of response. DH and I stopped that as soon as we noticed it. I think she is hearing this from some neighborhood kid or else puberty is coming up really soon.
Once years ago when my 15 year old son came out with some smartass response and was disrespectful, I jerked a knot in his tail and said:
"You may hate my guts right now but as long as you are living in my house you damn well better learn how to fake it cause I'm not putting up with that mouth one more minute"
Guess what? He faked it till he made it and as an adult I couldn't ask for a better relationship.
A good, reasoned plea I rather enjoyed hearing. And if it was good enough I'd change my mind. No problem.
But I'm also a believer in stopping the smart remarks and disrespect for another reason: Someday they are going to be out in the real world. With bosses and co-workers and landlords and tax-auditors that aren't going to put up with a smarmy response. And they aren't going to put up with filibustering, whining and endless arguments.
Better just to teach that to them when they're 14 then have the 25-year old who got fired (again) in your basement.
When I was growing up and my father said NO, I hated it when he said "Because I said so". I promised never to do that to my own kids and for the most part I've been able to give a reason. this does not mean they always agree with my reason but at least I make an attempt to let them know what I'm thinking. Sometimes I might have to say "You just have to trust that my age and experience gives me a better perspective than you might see" which is a much more civil way of saying "because I said so".
I've found that sometimes my knee jerk response is to say NO too soon cause I'm tired, don't want to think about it and it might be a new idea. In those cases I will be honest and say"Not a good time to discuss this right now. Let me think about it and get back to you" When the kids got into their middle and late teens I encouraged them to write their arguments out using pro and con columns and I still make major decisions by taking pencil to paper.
The way TV kids interact with their parents is so troublesome to me. I know times have changed but really, do real families act that way? Our little ones (10 y.o.) don't watch anything like that (yet) so it hasn't come up but I think all kids stretch their necks out a bit to test what they can get away with.
When I was growing up and my father said NO, I hated it when he said "Because I said so".
I can remember only one time actually pleading my case with my dad about being able to do something: go to the movies with my friends to see "Easy Rider". He said No. I said, "But everyone is going!" He still said No. Shocker. I didn't go see it.
(For those who don't know Easy Rider was considered to be a very radical movie in the 60's.)
Years later we watched it together on VHS and he kept pointing out locations he knew and said he really enjoyed Jack Nicholson playing against type.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 08-30-2012 at 03:16 PM..
It depends on what issue and what is meant by talking back.
My kids like to be smart-mouthed. A retort for just about everything. In that way they can talk back -- but they don't really argue about rules, I don't have all that many rules. The few rules are pretty much non-negotiable and they're okay with that.
One kid for example - he would ask if he could go to a friend's house. I'd say okay but what are you going to be doing and he would say they were going to do some drugs and drink and I'd say okay be home by 10 pm because it's a school night.
Or if one talked about having tough classes and I would say wow- it sounds like your school this year is going to be intense, he would say no -- it's going to be in regular classrooms inside the school.
I'm thinking "talking back" versus "back talk". When I was a kid, asking "Why?" was considered talking back and I never understood that so continued to be spanked for asking "Why?" I still want to know "why" in my adult life. To me, "back talk" would be my asking the child to do something and them saying "Why don't you just do it yourself?" because that would run them into a world of trouble. Attitude has a lot to do with it to. My kids were always pretty good and they knew by the look on my face when they were starting to cross the line and generally retreated at that point.
It depends on what issue and what is meant by talking back.
My kids like to be smart-mouthed. A retort for just about everything. In that way they can talk back -- but they don't really argue about rules, I don't have all that many rules. The few rules are pretty much non-negotiable and they're okay with that.
One kid for example - he would ask if he could go to a friend's house. I'd say okay but what are you going to be doing and he would say they were going to do some drugs and drink and I'd say okay be home by 10 pm because it's a school night.
Or if one talked about having tough classes and I would say wow- it sounds like your school this year is going to be intense, he would say no -- it's going to be in regular classrooms inside the school.
Not a typo, that would be his typical response if I ask him what he and his friends are going to do, but I know very well he's just being a smart alek and let it go and just tell him when to be home. He won't argue over the curfew -- he will be home by 10pm or whatever time I tell him. If he says they're going to do drugs and drink, I just let it go - so that's probably allowing him to talk back and to also to not spell out every thing he thinks he and his friends will really do -- which is just hang out, nothing specific planned.
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A good, reasoned plea I rather enjoyed hearing. And if it was good enough I'd change my mind. No problem.
