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Old 09-13-2012, 06:23 PM
 
Location: Tricity
47,523 posts, read 68,315,011 times
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I think it all boils down to the fact that rich people live different. If they teach their kids values, and ethics, and how to live the life of riches but still stay decent, sensitive, have a structure in life, goals and ambitions, but have enough money to spoil their kids with things that appear outrageous to the middle class - then I don't see anything wrong with it. There are many people that have enough money to do so. They do not live on credit cards, nor take a loan to cover their lavish lifestyle. They simply have enough money to make life pleasant for them and the whole family. They are rich because they are successful. They most likely give a part to charities, have savings, investments and still can afford to live large.
If they think that their kids deserve all those expensive gifts, then who are we to judge it?

If you ( no one in particular ) cannot keep up with their lifestyle, and struggle trying to do so, them you better find yourself friends on the same financial level. No reason to despise the rich or be jealous. Your rich friends are not obligated to give you anything because you cannot afford it.
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Old 09-14-2012, 08:32 AM
 
4,228 posts, read 6,752,187 times
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My parents had money, but it was their money. I may get it when they die, but I was certainly not entitled to anything extravagant while they are living and are in control of their own finances.
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Old 09-14-2012, 08:56 AM
 
2,682 posts, read 4,171,182 times
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My parents worked their way up (we are immigrants). They know make a good chunk of change. My mother wasn't going to pay for my college, but when it came time, she sent me $500 a month for 8 months out of the year to cover my apartment. I worked 60 hours a week during the summer (living with them) to have spending money and pay utilities for the year. My tuition was all on loans. My college was cheap and I graduated with about $27K in loans.

My 4 years younger than me brother on the other hand, went to a more expensive school, my mother gave him $14K per year (slight difference), paid for his trips home and he got their Audi upon graduation.

I like to see how most parents on here treat their kids the same, which wasn't the case with my parents and my mother knows it.

Anyway, my brother has a good job, knows how to budget his money and is very independent. We both left home at 18 and never looked back. I moved back for 3 months after college, but it was a benefit to my parents as we then had a 4 year old brother. My older younger brother never came home. Besides the descrepancy in the dollar amounts, I guess you can say my parents helped us as much as they wanted. We are both independent and don't ask them for anything.

I don't think kids should stay with their parents until 25. I think coming home after starting college should be an option, but only if you're out of work, or some medical problem or something similar. My first job was a temp position. Once that ended after 3 months, I got a job serving tables and paid my own way. I was lucky to land a permanent job 4 months later. The idea of coming home never occured to me. I have a friend that went away to college, came back to live with his parents while getting his MBA and working and stayed with the parents until 27. He might have no loans and lots of savings, but his maturity level is not that of a 28 year old - I would say he is 10 years behind. Being on your own gives you confidence, responsibility and builds character. I may have gotten of topic, but I think this babying of children creates a set of entitled individuals. These people, in my experience, are difficult to be friends with and think that the world revolves around them.
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:10 AM
 
28,900 posts, read 50,205,803 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deepwater88 View Post



I don't mean to sound judgmental or for this to come off as a loaded question, rather im genuinely curious and i admit im a bit jealous! I have a couple good friends who's parents are mostly doctors ranging the gamut from psychiatrists to surgeons. Anyhow these parents paid/pay almost all of the bills in college including rent, cell phone, meal plan, car insurance/gas, a good portion of their tuition, etc and also sometimes even give them "spending money" to do fun things such as ski trips, impromptu shopping trips in bigger cities, amusement parks,etc. Some have part time jobs but the $ usually goes to alcohol, and, more shopping. I have trouble grasping this lifestyle maybe because i was raised in a working/lower middle class family where it would be nearly unthinkable to ask my daddy for shopping money as 20 something years old. It also goes deeper than finances-a lot of these friends dont really know how to deal with landlords, financial aid officers, professors,etc and will just hand the phone to their parents. I admit I am a little envious as I grew up with parents who advocate self sufficiency and subscribe to the school of thought that once you're an adult, you should for the most part be pulling your own weight. I tell my friends this and they always seem to pity which is embarrassing and think my parents seem cold. So I beg to ask why do so many parents give their adult children a free ride to college and then often continue financing them WELL beyond college? It is about control? Fear? Guilt? Just wondering how they think these "kids" will ever learn to navigate the world or do you plan on supporting them forever?
I don't have adult children, but I wanted to speak to your question anyway.

There are people out there like the ones you describe. These are the Trust Fund Babies, the ones who drift rudderless through life, knowing that the annuity money will be deposited into their checking accounts on the first business day of every month. They tend to be smart, but diffuse. They don't know how to do anything hard. The world tends to take care of those people over time, winnowing them from the rest. They typically die unhappily and without real accomplishments.

But, far more often, the ones I know who come from money learn that its earned. My wife works for a family-owned company, and the kids work hard. There is no question that they are earning their paychecks. And, to be sure, that's really the case in almost all the family-owned companies I've ever worked with (A lot). Sure, there's an occasional outlier who winds up doing drugs or being a complete failure. I have a friend who has a huge engineering company, who had his kids out doing survey work at 6 a.m. I consulted for the owner of a billion-dollar grocery chain whose sons all worked in the warehouses, sacked groceries, and turned the tomatoes just like everyone else. I consult for a third-generation manufacturing firm where the son had to get his degree in engineering and MBA, but still had to work in the factory for two years just like everyone else. That's because successful people typically know what it takes to be successful and try to teach it to their kids.
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:22 AM
 
652 posts, read 979,296 times
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I live in a university town whee many of the people could be described as upper middle class. i'm not sure that I'd agree with the word coddling.

As someone else has pointed out, it isn't just the wealthy that are coddling though, if that is the word you'd like to use.

From the families that I have observed, sure the parents can finance things like international travel and nice cars. If that is how they want to choose to spend their money...why not.

While there might be a few kids that might end up not being able to carry their own weight, most of these kids end up like their parents...they eventually get jobs in academia, they get advanced degrees, they end up physicians or lawyers.

Outside of living in a university town, I'd imagine that kids that come from wealthy chances are just as likely to become successful adults as any other group, if not more so.
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Old 09-14-2012, 02:01 PM
 
Location: Quincy, MA
385 posts, read 1,364,115 times
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I don't have a problem with people paying for their kids' college expenses. I do know people who had good jobs in their mid-to-late 20s, but were still living at home and not contributing towards household expenses at all. I think that's different. Adults making a decent living should be supporting themselves, or at least allaying their parents' expenses.
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Old 09-16-2012, 08:55 AM
 
30 posts, read 45,097 times
Reputation: 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
???????
I'm sorry. Do you have any idea how many 'poor' people I meet every day who totally spoil their kids?
This op has no premise.
The new style of parenting, PERIOD, is spoiling and coddling.
This spans all income levels.
I totally agree with this.
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Old 09-16-2012, 11:50 AM
 
11,642 posts, read 22,130,622 times
Reputation: 12230
Quote:
Originally Posted by deepwater88 View Post

I don't mean to sound judgmental or for this to come off as a loaded question, rather im genuinely curious and i admit im a bit jealous! I have a couple good friends who's parents are mostly doctors ranging the gamut from psychiatrists to surgeons. Anyhow these parents paid/pay almost all of the bills in college including rent, cell phone, meal plan, car insurance/gas, a good portion of their tuition, etc and also sometimes even give them "spending money" to do fun things such as ski trips, impromptu shopping trips in bigger cities, amusement parks,etc. Some have part time jobs but the $ usually goes to alcohol, and, more shopping. I have trouble grasping this lifestyle maybe because i was raised in a working/lower middle class family where it would be nearly unthinkable to ask my daddy for shopping money as 20 something years old. It also goes deeper than finances-a lot of these friends dont really know how to deal with landlords, financial aid officers, professors,etc and will just hand the phone to their parents. I admit I am a little envious as I grew up with parents who advocate self sufficiency and subscribe to the school of thought that once you're an adult, you should for the most part be pulling your own weight. I tell my friends this and they always seem to pity which is embarrassing and think my parents seem cold. So I beg to ask why do so many parents give their adult children a free ride to college and then often continue financing them WELL beyond college? It is about control? Fear? Guilt? Just wondering how they think these "kids" will ever learn to navigate the world or do you plan on supporting them forever?
I think you are addressing two different issues. One is money. People who have money frequently share the family money with their kids. We fall into that category. We want our kids to graduate from school with little debt. I understand that not all parents can make that happen for their kids but I can't understand why parents would saddle their kids with large debts if it isn't necessary. I'm sorry your parents can't do that for you as I see a great benefit to it. I am sure they would do it if they could.

We expect our son to earn his own spending money by working in the summer. We pay for his cell phone in addition to his school expenses but he pays for his own personal expenses. Next year he may take a car to school so that he can get an internship. The car is paid for (we already own it) and we will pay his insurance but he will need to maintain it and pay for his own gas. We take him on vacation with the rest of the family and he lives at home, rent free, during the summer. We feel blessed to be able to do this for our children.

The second thing you are addressing is parents who do not teach their children to operate independently in the world. This has nothing to do with money. There are plenty of poor and middle class kids who have parents that do everything for them. My kids know how to do things for themselves. My son went off to college and registered for his own classes, selected his own room mate, made his own appointments, etc.

I think you have to be careful about thinking that just because rich kids have the advantages of money that it means they aren't able to function in the world. I think the two issues are separate.
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Old 09-16-2012, 11:55 AM
 
35,103 posts, read 45,931,504 times
Reputation: 62356
Quote:
Originally Posted by deepwater88 View Post


I don't mean to sound judgmental or for this to come off as a loaded question, rather im genuinely curious and i admit im a bit jealous! I have a couple good friends who's parents are mostly doctors ranging the gamut from psychiatrists to surgeons. Anyhow these parents paid/pay almost all of the bills in college including rent, cell phone, meal plan, car insurance/gas, a good portion of their tuition, etc and also sometimes even give them "spending money" to do fun things such as ski trips, impromptu shopping trips in bigger cities, amusement parks,etc. Some have part time jobs but the $ usually goes to alcohol, and, more shopping. I have trouble grasping this lifestyle maybe because i was raised in a working/lower middle class family where it would be nearly unthinkable to ask my daddy for shopping money as 20 something years old. It also goes deeper than finances-a lot of these friends dont really know how to deal with landlords, financial aid officers, professors,etc and will just hand the phone to their parents. I admit I am a little envious as I grew up with parents who advocate self sufficiency and subscribe to the school of thought that once you're an adult, you should for the most part be pulling your own weight. I tell my friends this and they always seem to pity which is embarrassing and think my parents seem cold. So I beg to ask why do so many parents give their adult children a free ride to college and then often continue financing them WELL beyond college? It is about control? Fear? Guilt? Just wondering how they think these "kids" will ever learn to navigate the world or do you plan on supporting them forever?
I don't understand how you are upset by their pity because of your so called "cold parents" and then you say you ENVY your friends. Trust me your parents were no where near cold, they should be applauded for teaching you how to be self sufficient and not rely on them to do everything for you as you become an "adult". I am quite proud of the fact that my Mother taught me how to do the very same thing on her own working in a factory and raising 2 children in the 1960's without her "husband" (in legal status only) helping in any way. He thought it was better to be in prison than quit drinking, quit being a criminal, get a real job and be a family man. I would be the one to pity your friends who will have no clue how the real world is when their parents either grow a brain and quit giving them everything or their parents cross over.
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Old 09-16-2012, 12:38 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,388 posts, read 33,062,301 times
Reputation: 14647
Quote:
Originally Posted by deepwater88 View Post


I don't mean to sound judgmental or for this to come off as a loaded question, rather im genuinely curious and i admit im a bit jealous! I have a couple good friends who's parents are mostly doctors ranging the gamut from psychiatrists to surgeons. Anyhow these parents paid/pay almost all of the bills in college including rent, cell phone, meal plan, car insurance/gas, a good portion of their tuition, etc and also sometimes even give them "spending money" to do fun things such as ski trips, impromptu shopping trips in bigger cities, amusement parks,etc. Some have part time jobs but the $ usually goes to alcohol, and, more shopping. I have trouble grasping this lifestyle maybe because i was raised in a working/lower middle class family where it would be nearly unthinkable to ask my daddy for shopping money as 20 something years old. It also goes deeper than finances-a lot of these friends dont really know how to deal with landlords, financial aid officers, professors,etc and will just hand the phone to their parents. I admit I am a little envious as I grew up with parents who advocate self sufficiency and subscribe to the school of thought that once you're an adult, you should for the most part be pulling your own weight. I tell my friends this and they always seem to pity which is embarrassing and think my parents seem cold. So I beg to ask why do so many parents give their adult children a free ride to college and then often continue financing them WELL beyond college? It is about control? Fear? Guilt? Just wondering how they think these "kids" will ever learn to navigate the world or do you plan on supporting them forever?
In a nutshell, because they can afford it. The parents are nurturing in the best way they know how. They don't want their kids to struggle in school and they want them to be able to let their hair down. They don't see it as coddling so much as enabling them to get better grades and feel less stress while in school by not heaping a job on top of everything else.

I suspect there is also an element of control here. Being the holder of the purse strings is a powerful position. They want their kids to do well in school and they want them to behave in respectable ways. Threatening to pull those purse strings shut is powerful. I went to school with four sisters who towed the line because daddy would pull their funding if they didn't. He told them point blank if they were seen so much as holding hands with a boy, they were cut off. These girls did things like fly to Greece to buy shower favors for their older sister's wedding. They were not going go cross their father and lose that lifestyle.

Seriously, sometimes I wish I had the kind of leverage on my kids that wealthier parents have on theirs. I don't consider it coddling so much as making sure their investment doesn't go south. Kids can get in with the wrong crowd in college and really screw up.

If I were in position to do so, I would pay my children's way through college (they are going to have to get student loans for part of their education). I'd also continue support until they were on their feet. As things are now, the best I can do is a cheap place to live for a while that will allow them to save money. Why? Because I brought them into this world and I owe it to them to get them to the point of self sufficiency. While the school of hard knocks is the fastest way to do that, most of us would have liked to avoid that if we could and would pay to have our kids avoid if it we had the means. I'd rather my kids take a little longer to grow up and enjoy their youth a little more if I had the choice.
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