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Old 09-18-2012, 02:16 PM
 
Location: Nebraska
1,373 posts, read 1,185,982 times
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I don't consider paying for college to be coddling. My ex and I did. We made her pay for her personal expenses. My kids got used cars. I figured when got more driving experience and could afford a new car, they could get one. They had to work for their gas money.


I refuse to pay for weddings. I will pay for the dress for my daughters and the tuxes for my sons.
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Old 09-18-2012, 03:27 PM
 
4,739 posts, read 4,093,309 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deepwater88 View Post



I don't mean to sound judgmental or for this to come off as a loaded question, rather im genuinely curious and i admit im a bit jealous! I have a couple good friends who's parents are mostly doctors ranging the gamut from psychiatrists to surgeons. Anyhow these parents paid/pay almost all of the bills in college including rent, cell phone, meal plan, car insurance/gas, a good portion of their tuition, etc and also sometimes even give them "spending money" to do fun things such as ski trips, impromptu shopping trips in bigger cities, amusement parks,etc. Some have part time jobs but the $ usually goes to alcohol, and, more shopping. I have trouble grasping this lifestyle maybe because i was raised in a working/lower middle class family where it would be nearly unthinkable to ask my daddy for shopping money as 20 something years old. It also goes deeper than finances-a lot of these friends dont really know how to deal with landlords, financial aid officers, professors,etc and will just hand the phone to their parents. I admit I am a little envious as I grew up with parents who advocate self sufficiency and subscribe to the school of thought that once you're an adult, you should for the most part be pulling your own weight. I tell my friends this and they always seem to pity which is embarrassing and think my parents seem cold. So I beg to ask why do so many parents give their adult children a free ride to college and then often continue financing them WELL beyond college? It is about control? Fear? Guilt? Just wondering how they think these "kids" will ever learn to navigate the world or do you plan on supporting them forever?

I hope to pay most of my kids college tuition. Of course - God Willing - I'm able to do so. I really don't want to see my kid going into debt and starting life that way.


For the other parts. . .but I don't think your view of their world - for the most part - is realistic. I'm sure there are going to be people who treat kids like this. . I just don't think the frequency is anything but abnormal for all but the top top brackets.

But, there are exceptions and its fun to look at their instragram pictures http://richkidsofinstagram.tumblr.com/


"BAR TAB"
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Old 09-18-2012, 09:56 PM
 
369 posts, read 479,842 times
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I used to teach at a state university where many of the students were first generation college students and their parents did not have much money. But I was shocked at how many of my students wasted their time there getting Cs, having to retake classes, then ultimately being surprised that few employers seek out students who barely graduated from college. So while the OP thinks that only the rich have kids who waste their money, I was surprised that students whose parents really really wanted them to be successful piddled their parents and their student loans away.
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Old 09-22-2012, 02:20 AM
 
16,481 posts, read 22,872,019 times
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Every parent wants to give their child everything they can, and obviously rich people have the money to do it. If they are in profession like doctors and lawyers then they themselves have been to and graduated from college and also want that for their children. I personally don't think once they have graduated from college that they should continue to support them because they now have a college education and need to make their own money and move out and live their own lives. I think these parents love their children, they are used to spoiling them, and I am sure the kids ask for money all the time as well. Not ever being wealthy myself I can see why you might be jealous. These parents are not doing their kids any favors by continuing to pay for everything once they have graduated from college. There isn't anything you can do about it, just be proud of yourself that you are independent and in control of your own life without someone else having to care for you.
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Old 09-22-2012, 08:04 AM
 
652 posts, read 979,356 times
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I have no idea how much we'll pay for our kids' college education....hopefully we'll be able to pay most of it, but who knows?

When I was in college there were people who had similar thoughts to OP. I just don't get the scorn for those who pay for their kids' education. I'm sure this has changed, but when I was in school there was abuse of things like Pell grants etc., and you'd have people bragging that they were going on spring break with their excess financial aid money. Yet these same people would pat themselves on the back for being more upstanding for making their own way through school.
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Old 09-22-2012, 02:47 PM
 
4,043 posts, read 6,822,749 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BJW50 View Post
I don't consider paying for college to be coddling. My ex and I did. We made her pay for her personal expenses. My kids got used cars. I figured when got more driving experience and could afford a new car, they could get one. They had to work for their gas money.

I refuse to pay for weddings. I will pay for the dress for my daughters and the tuxes for my sons.
I agree this is a qualitative, not a quantitative matter.
WHAT you pay for them is a whole lot more important than HOW MUCH you pay for them.

Paying for their college-education is not the same thing as throwing a Mercedes at them - even if the amounts might be equal. It's about what message you send by paying - and that message depends on what you are paying for.

When parents pay for absolutely nothing the moment the child reaches 18....that's either because they are in poor financial shape and they simply can't (no one could blame a parent for that), or because they are misguided.
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Old 09-23-2012, 12:07 PM
Status: "I'm not young enough to know everything." (set 26 days ago)
 
Location: Wonderland
59,009 posts, read 47,664,766 times
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I am the mother of four grown kids, and a stepson who is still in college.

My deal with my kids was that I would pay for their college as long as they were "living right." That meant going to school when they were supposed to, not getting arrested, not doing drugs, and keeping a part time job for incidentals - gas, clothes, eating out, etc. Pretty lenient rules, I'd say.

My four kids made other choices as adults.

My oldest daughter has about two years of college, but she decided to get married (actually to a great guy, so though I wish she's completed college, I can't say I'm distraught over it!) and now she is a stay at home, homeschooling mother and it works great for her and for her family. She and her husband and kids are very, very happy together and their home runs smoothly. She's a great teacher by the way - very disciplined. Had she remained in college, teaching would have been a natural career choice for her. As it is, she's teaching her own kids, with an accredited program. Her kids are all in elementary school and can read and speak Latin extensively, and are all at least a year ahead of their peers in public school. Her husband has a bachelor's degree and is working on his Master's degree, and is a commissioned officer in the Air Force.

My younger daughter has about a year or so of college. We hit a real rough spot the year after she graduated from high school, and she ended up joining the Air Force. This has been great for her! She has progressed through the enlisted ranks at a very fast clip, and is now at her ten year mark - and will retire at age 38 which is amazing. She is working on her bachelor's degree - to continue her progression into the upper enlisted ranks, she will need her bachelor's degree to be competitive. She has no interest in becoming a commissioned officer.

My oldest son is dyslexic and has struggled in school since the first day he attended. Though he has a high IQ and excellent verbal skills (and a great vocabulary) he is not the type to do well in a traditional school environment. He is making a career in the Army. Amazingly enough, the Army has some excellent college programs that are tailored to fit service members' needs and schedules, and he recently began taking a few courses. He is loving it. So we'll see.

My youngest son has always been a decent student - but unfortunately he has gotten involved in drugs and an ongoing party scene. I refuse to subsidize that lifestyle. So - he got his GED and is working at a restaurant and partying a lot in Austin, living with several buddies. Oh well - his choice, though it wouldn't have been my choice for him.

By the way, interestingly enough - though I've offered to help each of my kids pay for college (as adults), none of them have taken me up on the offer, though several are taking college courses. I was raised to be very independent, and I raised my kids that way as well.

We are a close family, and very hard working. In my family, and extended family, kids have always been raised to be very self sufficient by the time they are in their early twenties. Maybe that's a bit harsh, but so far, in my immediate family (brothers) and extended family (cousins), the kids who have turned out best were those who were most self sufficient, and the kids who turned out the worst as adults were the ones who were the most spoiled and catered to. My youngest brother, for instance, milked my parents for all they were worth, and for some odd reason, they fell for it - six years of school to complete a four year degree, while having no job and living off my parents completely - and he hasn't done a thing with all that and is in fact a career failure. On the other hand, I never finished college, though I did complete several professional certifications (real estate, insurance) and I've had a very successful and fulfilling career over the past twenty years.

My stepson received several scholarships which covered his first year of school. He has a part time job for spending money. We supplement his income from time to time (gas money, for instance) but we don't just hand out money on a regular basis. Recently he wanted to trade in the vehicle we had given him in high school, to buy a car we thought was unnecessary. We told him that we would not cosign, or pay any portion of the note, or pay the insurance (which tripled - also due to his very poor driving record). So - he's working more hours to pay for that car and insurance - but still managing to keep his grades up, so...it's his choice.

By the way, we could afford to give every one of these kids a free ride - but - no way.
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Old 09-23-2012, 04:44 PM
 
13 posts, read 12,930 times
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With two kids starting college, here's my view:

1. College debt is a huge burden - I want to do what I can do allow my kids to have a good start at adulthood without having to incur huge debt. If I have the money, why not? It is clear to them that I will support them (including books, room and board) as long as grades are good and they're not messed up w drugs, etc. So far, neither of them has done anything "bad" so there's no real thought that they should start now.

2. I would never buy a kid a new car. Used, maybe depending on their life situation, but definately not a new Bimmer as a 17th bday gift, and not an upper brand like a BMW or Porsche. You see from my screen name that I drive (and love) an Audi. I started with a "lesser brand" that I bought myself, and when I was successful enough, I bought one for myself.

Back in the early 2000s, I bought just bought a new car... the nicest that I had to that point. A new red Accord Coupe, V6, Leather, etc... At the time we had a babysitter for my then-6 year old. I picked her up one night for sitting and she said "nice car, my friend Lisa just got one for her birthday. THERE'S a difference in attitude.

I know lots of people with a lot more money that I have (I am comfortable, not LOADED), who you'd never know had money at all. It is about the the way the value of money is taught to kids, not what you buy them.
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Old 09-29-2012, 06:33 PM
 
265 posts, read 496,082 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Why would I want my son to struggle when his "job" during college was to succeed?

Not everyone can provide as much as we have for our children. And I also know parents who COULD do more but for whatever reasons, chose not to (which is to a large extent what I grew up with - parents who withheld the financial support when I desperately needed it out of some misguided belief that it would benefit me to go hungry and work 3 jobs, lol). But I digress.

My son (and my stepchildren) knew they were expected to succeed and we would give them all the support possible to make that a feasible goal. That included making sure they had a social life, so if sending them $$ to join their friends for ski weekends or trips to the beach, etc, means they were "spoiled," oh well. Whatever we did, it worked, b/c they all have done quite well.

I only wish I would have had money to give each of them for a down payment on a house.
anifani- That's wonderful that they turned out well! However I find it interesting that you seem to harbor resentment at your parents for making you work, but obviously it did help to some degree as YOU TURNED OUT SUCCESSFUL and are now in a position to help your son and stepchildren. Do you see the pattern?

Not saying "kids" should have to struggle or go hungry in college, but going without certain luxuries or having to wait and budget certainly builds character. It also teaches delayed gratification which is a vital skill in this world yet so many are lacking.
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Old 09-30-2012, 08:28 AM
 
16,833 posts, read 15,882,796 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deepwater88 View Post
anifani- That's wonderful that they turned out well! However I find it interesting that you seem to harbor resentment at your parents for making you work, but obviously it did help to some degree as YOU TURNED OUT SUCCESSFUL and are now in a position to help your son and stepchildren. Do you see the pattern?

Not saying "kids" should have to struggle or go hungry in college, but going without certain luxuries or having to wait and budget certainly builds character. It also teaches delayed gratification which is a vital skill in this world yet so many are lacking.
So suffering is the reason that this person turned out well as opposed to turning out well IN SPITE of it? Should we go find some kids who were abused, and tell the ones that got past it that "obviously it did help to some degree as YOU TURNED OUT SUCCESSFUL"?

Because the reality is that the kids from wealthy families usually turn out successful themselves, despite not being made to struggle to make ends meet. It is possible to learn all of the things above while not being forced to work in college. My daughter does have a job, SCHOOL, and she works very hard at it. And is learning delayed gratification and a work ethic, while being supported by both her scholarships (which she WORKED very hard for) and her family.
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