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This is very true here in the US, but not necessary somewhere else in the world. Also depends on culture and upbringing. Kids forced to move out at age 18, "fend for themselves and pull their own weight" when they should be supported to get a higher education struggle a lot flipping hamburgers and studying in their "free time". Many never finish anything, but start a family instead, have kids and struggle even more.
I know few families that set a date for their kids on 18th birthday to move out, told them that if they don't go on their own, the police will be called to kick them out on that day...
I don't agree with tossing kids out on their 18th birthday, and think that they should stay at home till 25, go to school, maybe get a part time job, help with household chores and save some money for the start of new, independent life.
Governor Romney went to private school and had his first house paid for by his parents... President Obama was raised in a broken family and went to school on college loans. Regardless of your political leanings I think we can call agree that both men have done quite well for themselves.
$500 to the truly wealthy can be the equivalent of $20 to the middle class. I've been known to slip a twenty (or more) to my adult children "just because". I'll tell them to top off their gas tank with it which is really our code for "Mom's thinking of you and still worries."
Are parents not supposed to do that? Because I'll probably still be doing it when I'm 90 and visiting them in the home.
(Sorry, I'm still not sure exactly what "coddling" is. To me "coddling" is keeping Junior from ever moving out and having his own life because the parent wants to baby him. And I've seen that attitude in the working class. I have one friend whose mother has major bucks. Mom pays for daughter (and her family) to fly first class. Even though daughter is grown and married and has children. Is that coddling? Dang, someone wanted to pay for my first class ticket, I'd take it, lol. My friend is very normal. Doesn't act spoiled. She just has an extremely wealthy mother.)
Good post. Some might consider me a poster child for being coddled. But I had funding cut off from me in graduate school, then after graduating and getting a job, I was laid off. While I'm responsible for the large majority of my finances, my parents help me out on some basic expenses and occasional special treats. I'd be in a much worse place without their "coddling," and I'm grateful that they've helped out as much as they have. If the situation was reversed, I would do the same thing.
Paying for college is one thing. I'm talking about parents who finance EVERYTHING often well beyond college-including living, entertainment, and travel expenses,etc. Paying for tuition and giving you're 23 yo daughter $500 to go shopping just because is something totally different.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn
$500 to the truly wealthy can be the equivalent of $20 to the middle class. I've been known to slip a twenty (or more) to my adult children "just because". I'll tell them to top off their gas tank with it which is really our code for "Mom's thinking of you and still worries."
Are parents not supposed to do that? Because I'll probably still be doing it when I'm 90 and visiting them in the home.
Dew, you know we agree a lot. I'm turning 39 and my parents still try to slip me money. But I agree with deepwater in that $500 shopping trips are nothing like a $20 for the tank. OK, if we're talking about one annual trip to Costco to buy toilet paper and detergent, or putting a new set of tires on the car, then I have no issue with that. I think "$500 to go shopping" is more like "poor sweetie needs some new clothes from Nordie's."
Dew, you know we agree a lot. I'm turning 39 and my parents still try to slip me money. But I agree with deepwater in that $500 shopping trips are nothing like a $20 for the tank. OK, if we're talking about one annual trip to Costco to buy toilet paper and detergent, or putting a new set of tires on the car, then I have no issue with that. I think "$500 to go shopping" is more like "poor sweetie needs some new clothes from Nordie's."
I see what you're saying. (And I know the mother who says "poor sweetie".) The particular woman I referenced is a few steps up the ladder from that. Actually, many steps. Her kids were raised with every advantage but they're very grounded. They have the same values I was raised with. Her daughter (my friend) doesn't have the "coddled" attitude. In fact, I had no idea she came from Major Money until I was invited to her parents' house, walked in and said to myself, "Okey Dokey. Mom and Dad are loaded."
Make sense? I think you can have all the advantages, the best education money can buy, Mom handing you $500 bucks and still be very down-to-earth with an "uncoddled" attitude towards life. I've known, through the years, a number of people like that. (I've also know the "coddled" attitude adult. They're usually a pain to be around and I avoid them.)
Last edited by DewDropInn; 10-03-2012 at 03:35 PM..
Dew, you know we agree a lot. I'm turning 39 and my parents still try to slip me money. But I agree with deepwater in that $500 shopping trips are nothing like a $20 for the tank. OK, if we're talking about one annual trip to Costco to buy toilet paper and detergent, or putting a new set of tires on the car, then I have no issue with that. I think "$500 to go shopping" is more like "poor sweetie needs some new clothes from Nordie's."
Yes I coddle my adult son, his wife, and my wonderful grandaughter. They are independant, successful, and self-supporting.
He had no debt after law school. It was paid for by us, by his savings from working summers, and by the company for which he works.
He and his wife saved enough during their first year of marriage to purchace their own house. We were very proud, and as a housewarming gift had it professionally landscaped.
I have enjoyed having a daughter in law so much, that taking her shopping is a joy, and I love to buy her clothes, as well as find wonderful things for my grandaughter. My daughter in law is one of the least spoiled people I know.
They are now in Scotland for the next two years. We will be paying for tickets home, whenever they are able to come. Our choice, and our selfish motives.
We spent two weeks with them there during their move, and my husband would not let them pick up a tab for meals.
We are comfortable, why shouldn't we spend money on them??
Yes I coddle my adult son, his wife, and my wonderful grandaughter. They are independant, successful, and self-supporting.
He had no debt after law school. It was paid for by us, by his savings from working summers, and by the company for which he works.
He and his wife saved enough during their first year of marriage to purchace their own house. We were very proud, and as a housewarming gift had it professionally landscaped.
I have enjoyed having a daughter in law so much, that taking her shopping is a joy, and I love to buy her clothes, as well as find wonderful things for my grandaughter. My daughter in law is one of the least spoiled people I know.
They are now in Scotland for the next two years. We will be paying for tickets home, whenever they are able to come. Our choice, and our selfish motives.
We spent two weeks with them there during their move, and my husband would not let them pick up a tab for meals.
We are comfortable, why shouldn't we spend money on them??
That's sweet. I'm glad it worked for your family. I was a tutor in college, and some of the high school kids I worked with were from wealthier families. I know I only saw kids who needed help with homework and studying, so they didn't represent all rich kids, but a couple of them in particular were completely aimless. A 16-year-old boy getting a DUI and totaling the new Mustang his dad bought him, then totaling the new SUV he was given to replace it ... that kind of thing. Financing the life of lazy, careless people is a mistake, and they probably got lazy and careless in the first place because their parents kept giving them stuff.
If your family is your team, your fortress, your 'people,' why wouldn't you give them every advantage and support them at every turn (emotionally and financially)?
Now you have to remember that you can actually disable people with handouts, etc, but you don't ever have to withdraw your love and emotional support. When appropriate (good schooling, major setback, etc), why not help them out? Isn't that the whole point?
The biggest gift you give your kids is their independence and self-sufficiency. But you can do that in an atmosphere of being there for them, too.
No. I find the whole 'throw 'em to the wolves at 18' idea completely appalling. And pointless.
To me, coddling means more about not teaching how to work for things, not teaching how to delay gratification, and not making you deal with the consequences of your bad decisions.
To me, coddling means more about not teaching how to work for things, not teaching how to delay gratification, and not making you deal with the consequences of your bad decisions.
This can happen in rich or poor families.
It has nothing to do with money.
My thoughts exactly.
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I'm a total "Coddler".
That's sweet. I'm glad it worked for your family. I was a tutor in college, and some of the high school kids I worked with were from wealthier families. I know I only saw kids who needed help with homework and studying, so they didn't represent all rich kids, but a couple of them in particular were completely aimless. A 16-year-old boy getting a DUI and totaling the new Mustang his dad bought him, then totaling the new SUV he was given to replace it ... that kind of thing. Financing the life of lazy, careless people is a mistake, and they probably got lazy and careless in the first place because their parents kept giving them stuff.
