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Some mommies dump their kids in the play pen all day.
Some daycares are babies all lined up in swings staring off into space all day.
My cousin's grandparents taught them hindi lessons and cultural lessons and religious studies while they watched them all day. They taught them to cook and raise a garden.
I really like Ivory and find her to be articulate and intelligent, but in these matters, she seems to trot out the studies that suit her position the best.
Which is why studies use large groups and controls.
Studies are needed here because emotions and strong personal beliefs blind us. It is human nature to think we are different. To think that what applies to our neighbor doesn't apply to us. We do studies to take the blinders off.
Yes, I tout out studies. IMO, they're a lot better than "Because I think so.".
If wishes were horses then beggers would ride. Wishing something were so doesn't make it so. Studies take the wishing out of the picture and look at what is.
Initially, I thought it odd that kith and kin care was the negative in the child care arena but when you think about it, we're less likely to criticize friends and relatives and more likely to tolerate less from them than we'd expect from a paid stranger. It really does make sense that this is the negative among child care arrangements.
Tell Mom she will not see her grandchild any more because you can't afford it and stick to it.
Don't go to ANY of YOUR family's functions where Mom will be(even if your child will not be there), and if they ask why tell them Mom wants you to pay her to be around your child.
This involves much more than the childcare issue, as I'm sure you know.
Whatever childcare resolution you choose should not involve either grandmother, since it will only make your relationships with MIL and mom worse, and it will eventually strain your marriage as people (inevitably) take sides.
Why should she punish her MIL because her mother has issues?
^^^ I kind of agree w/ the above poster, one thing has nothing to do w/ the other. If your mother is hurt by your decision (not wanting her to babysit), so be it, bottom line it's impractical. That said, it may be a lot for your MIL to watch the baby all week, maybe would look into someone (or some place) where they can watch the baby 2 (or 3) days a week, to give Grandma a break. A friend watched her gr.daughter 3 days a wk for several yrs and the other gr.parents watched her 2 days, both were flexible though, now the little girl is in nursery school and overall it's worked out well (one set of grparents were in their 70's and from what little I know (indirectly), it was a lot for them but 2-3 days was doable). Neither grandparents were paid or expected it but hopefully the parents were appreciative and showed it in certain ways.
It's not punishing the MIL. Choosing one over the other pits one against the other.
Your suggestion only ramps up the animosity in the family. It pits mom against mother-in-law, which is actually what punishes the MIL. The child does not need to be in the middle of family tension, and your "solution" only makes things much much worse.
The quickest way to neutralize the situation is to remove themselves from it and see the grandparents socially. Get the kid a non-related babysitter and move on.
Figure out what's wrong with Mom anyway, regardless of the childcare situation.
^^^ I kind of agree w/ the above poster, one thing has nothing to do w/ the other. If your mother is hurt by your decision (not wanting her to babysit), so be it, bottom line it's impractical.
Bottom line: It kills family dynamics.
Mom/Grandma is the one who turned this into a bidding war.
The OP can end the war by taking the child off the auction block.
Kith and kin care is lumped together. One of the big issues is the reluctance of mothers to rock the boat if grandma isn't doing all the things she'd like her to do. Friends and relatives tend to baby sit as opposed to offering day care. It's often viewed as a favor by both parties and mom often doesn't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Day care, OTOH, is a business relationship and comes with standards and expectations that mothers have no qualms about making sure are met. There's no boat to rock. No emotional ties on the line. No personalities to get offended who we'll have to sit across from at Thanksgiving dinner.
IMO, it makes sense that kith and kin care is the type of care where lesser results are, consistently, seen. Of course everyone will claim "Not in MY case"....It's human nature. We all think we're somehow special and what applies to the general public does not apply to us....which begs the question of just who is the general public?
My first thought was that there are, as always, several factors. As you have pointed out, socioeconomic status affects outcomes. Marital status of the parents affects outcomes. Education level of the parents affects outcomes. I'm thinking that often when family babysits full time, it is because the parents can't afford day care. That brings many other factors into the picture besides who is providing the care.
Plus, who says grandma has to babysit forever? What is wrong with grandma babysitting for 2-3 years, then the child starting preschool?
Kith and kin care is lumped together. One of the big issues is the reluctance of mothers to rock the boat if grandma isn't doing all the things she'd like her to do. Friends and relatives tend to baby sit as opposed to offering day care. It's often viewed as a favor by both parties and mom often doesn't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Day care, OTOH, is a business relationship and comes with standards and expectations that mothers have no qualms about making sure are met. There's no boat to rock. No emotional ties on the line. No personalities to get offended who we'll have to sit across from at Thanksgiving dinner.
IMO, it makes sense that kith and kin care is the type of care where lesser results are, consistently, seen. Of course everyone will claim "Not in MY case"....It's human nature. We all think we're somehow special and what applies to the general public does not apply to us....which begs the question of just who is the general public?
I'd like to see a link to the study. I don't believe it's an accurate representation when one lumps care from a loving grandmother in with care from a random neighbor. There are far too many factors to take into account.
Day care is a business relationship and that has it's advantages but it also has many disadvantages opposed to care from a loving family member. One of the advantages to "kith and kin" care in the case of a loving relative is the emotional ties as well as a child being able to sit across the table from his or her caregiver at the Thanksgiving dinner table.
Your mom is way out of line, if she is doing daycare instead of going to work I can see charging something, but if she was already unemployed, gas reimburement should be enough. Charging you to be near her grandbaby is outrageous, I would be worried to EVER have her babysit, if her caring for the child is money motivated and not coming from love, I'd cut her off completely.
Kith and kin care is lumped together. One of the big issues is the reluctance of mothers to rock the boat if grandma isn't doing all the things she'd like her to do. Friends and relatives tend to baby sit as opposed to offering day care. It's often viewed as a favor by both parties and mom often doesn't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Day care, OTOH, is a business relationship and comes with standards and expectations that mothers have no qualms about making sure are met. There's no boat to rock. No emotional ties on the line. No personalities to get offended who we'll have to sit across from at Thanksgiving dinner.
IMO, it makes sense that kith and kin care is the type of care where lesser results are, consistently, seen. Of course everyone will claim "Not in MY case"....It's human nature. We all think we're somehow special and what applies to the general public does not apply to us....which begs the question of just who is the general public?
Kith and kin might involve some family drama and eggshell walking at times but....
I'm sure that there are plenty of parents who don't want to be perceived as "boat rockers" at their childrens' high quality daycare centers, either. I'm sure that there are plenty of times when parents opt to keep their mouths shut rather than complain because they know that there is a l-o-n-g line of kids just waiting to take their child's spot. That usually is not the case at Grandma's house..
Last edited by springfieldva; 09-29-2012 at 03:21 PM..
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