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He is eighteen and in high school, you can send him to job corps. Fill out the paperwork now. He can finsih high school there. You can start discussing with him his plans for June...like where is he going to live. He has several months to start looking for a job.
Parents let ungrateful kids rule the roost. Time to let him know he does not run the show. Outline some options for him, military, job corps, job...get the paperwork and fill it out for him. The thing is, he does not think you will kick him out...he thinks he is in control. So....decide a course of action, and stay resolved. Tell him he is an adult...
I think he has to graduate before he does job corps. Also why doesn't he have a part time job?
As long as he is living in your home it is not too late to start laying down some rules about chores and responsibilities. if he doesn't like the rules then he can leave. You still have a window of opportunity to help this kid get right. I think he has you marked as easy to take advantage of and he will do it as long as you let him.
perhaps a session with a criminal atty to explain the ramifications of being labeled a sex offender for the rest of his life is in order.
As long as he's in high school I cannot kick him out or charge him rent.
Please show me where I told you to kick him out or charge him rent.
I told you to take off the door to his bedroom, toss it for drugs and tell him the party is over.
Mom Pants. Don't leave home without them. (Because he's 18, incapable of living in the world as a productive adult, and the choice is your's on how much hard work you're willing to put in so he's not snapping his fingers at you when he's 47 and saying, "Yo, Mom! Cable's out and there's no more Cheetos.")
Ok, I'm trying to keep an open mind here despite feeling like some of you are attacking me as a parent. BTW, I have two children. The other one is 15 and is completely opposite of my 18yo. He is a good student, he volunteers at a local shelter, he helps around the house without being asked, he is responsible and I would feel comfortable leaving him home alone at night if I needed to. I just wanted to point out that I am not a total screw up as a parent.
I see what some of you are saying about making him take responsibility. Ok, I can try to make him do some chores and get a job but the problem is what happens when he doesn't do these things? He is 18. I could try to ground him but he'll walk out the door. I can take off his door, but he'll put it back on. He's not a little kid that I can put in time out or give a spanking to. He's technically an adult and if he decides he doesn't want to listen to me what can I actually do about it. All these things are great in theory but when you have a very defiant, self centered, manipulative adult child it makes these things difficult to actually put into practice.
We are going to be moving early 2014. We've already told him that he is not coming with us. I've told him that he needs to have a plan and start working on that plan now so he will be able to afford to move out on his own or with roommates. He has no realistic plan. Right now he's convinced he's going to be a famous drummer. I've told him great, but what's his realistic plan? He says he wants to be a mechanic. Great. His high school offers a couple automotive classes but they were full. I'm seriously contemplating having him drop out and get his ged and take some automotive classes at the local community college. At least then he would have a certificate in a trade instead of just a hs diploma with just general ed courses.
He has no desire or drive to do anything besides hang out. One of his friends graduated this past spring and the kid does nothing. He's not working or taking any classes. That's the kind of kids DS hangs out with-more kids with no drive.
Right now DH is away at training and I've already told him that when he gets back we are going to come up with a plan and sit down with DS and impliment it. I will show DH some of your suggestions and hopefully we can come up with a few of our own.
mamom, I've read the responses and I don't think anyone is attacking you. I think they just want to impress on you that it isn't going to be easy to change your son's current behavior, but it can be done.
I had five boys, and every one was different. And yet each was parented the same way. Personality enters in and sometimes you have to alter your tactics.
Question - why does he get to use a cell phone? He's 18. He wants a cell phone let him pay for one. His "friends" will soon get tired of him asking to use theirs.
He doesn't come home for supper? Clean up and put everything away. No dish keeping warm in the oven.
He cleans his room every once in a while? Huh-uh. Mess draws vermin. You don't want mice or bugs in your house. You have every right to insist that it be kept clean and tell him if he doesn't do it, you will. (He won't want you in there pawing through his stuff.) If he does have drugs in there, and he gets in trouble, the police are coming to YOUR house. I bet you don't want that.
And about the condoms? Good idea. Make sure he gets that message. And the one about the under-age girlfriends. He could be arrested, go to jail, or worse, be shot by an irate father. It isn't easy raising boys.
I don't think you're a bad parent, and I feel your frustration. I hope you can work this out before too long. Keep us posted.
As far as the door is concerned... GET RID OF IT!!!! Then he won't be able to put it back on. If he wants a door, he can buy one.... then YOU remove it again. And get rid of it...ad neauseum
Since your husband is away, can he communicate with your son the rules, expectation, and consequences that will be inflicted if he doesn't fall in line?
Ok, I'm trying to keep an open mind here despite feeling like some of you are attacking me as a parent. BTW, I have two children. The other one is 15 and is completely opposite of my 18yo. He is a good student, he volunteers at a local shelter, he helps around the house without being asked, he is responsible and I would feel comfortable leaving him home alone at night if I needed to. I just wanted to point out that I am not a total screw up as a parent.
I see what some of you are saying about making him take responsibility. Ok, I can try to make him do some chores and get a job but the problem is what happens when he doesn't do these things? He is 18. I could try to ground him but he'll walk out the door. I can take off his door, but he'll put it back on. He's not a little kid that I can put in time out or give a spanking to. He's technically an adult and if he decides he doesn't want to listen to me what can I actually do about it. All these things are great in theory but when you have a very defiant, self centered, manipulative adult child it makes these things difficult to actually put into practice.
We are going to be moving early 2014. We've already told him that he is not coming with us. I've told him that he needs to have a plan and start working on that plan now so he will be able to afford to move out on his own or with roommates. He has no realistic plan. Right now he's convinced he's going to be a famous drummer. I've told him great, but what's his realistic plan? He says he wants to be a mechanic. Great. His high school offers a couple automotive classes but they were full. I'm seriously contemplating having him drop out and get his ged and take some automotive classes at the local community college. At least then he would have a certificate in a trade instead of just a hs diploma with just general ed courses.
He has no desire or drive to do anything besides hang out. One of his friends graduated this past spring and the kid does nothing. He's not working or taking any classes. That's the kind of kids DS hangs out with-more kids with no drive.
Right now DH is away at training and I've already told him that when he gets back we are going to come up with a plan and sit down with DS and impliment it. I will show DH some of your suggestions and hopefully we can come up with a few of our own.
You are not a failure as a parent, but you have to acknowledge that you have allowed this situation to continue. He is an adult living in your house. He is not paying you rent, nor is he participating in the household. You suspect that he is engaging in illegal activity but you have not done anything to find out if that is really true. It is your house. You have a right to know what is going on in your house. You have a right to control what goes on in your house. And finally, you have a right to demand that anyone who lives in your house for free contributes to the household by participating in the day to day running of the household.
You have to be very clear with him regarding your expectations. For instance if you remove his door you should tell him that it will remain off until you decide to put it back on. Tell him what will happen if he puts it back. I would set out a list of chores that you expect him to do on a daily or weekly basis. Tell him in advance what the consequences are if he does not comply. And then follow through. If he leaves, he leaves. Why do you need him in the house eating your food and possibly engaging in illegal activity?
He can only manipulate you if you allow it. If he doesn't have a plan for 2014 then he doesn't. It's not really your problem. I would let him know that you are available to help him develop a plan, but if he refuses there is nothing you can do to force the issue.
I'm not sure I agree with some of the recommended tactics here. I don't see the benefits of introducing tough love at the age of 18, especially in this case. This teen doesn't seem to have anything he values holding on to. No car, no phone, and no spending money makes it difficult to find anything to motivate him to do better. He gets food and a roof over his head until he graduates high school.
I would be inclined to speak to him as an adult, not punish as though he was still a child. Hand him a list of expenses he will have to cover when you move. Print out the automotive class selection at the community college. Remind him of deadlines, but don't get into a power struggle.
If you do think he might be dealing drugs to get money, I would absolutely search his room.
I'm not sure I agree with some of the recommended tactics here. I don't see the benefits of introducing tough love at the age of 18, especially in this case. This teen doesn't seem to have anything he values holding on to. No car, no phone, and no spending money makes it difficult to find anything to motivate him to do better. He gets food and a roof over his head until he graduates high school.
I would be inclined to speak to him as an adult, not punish as though he was still a child. Hand him a list of expenses he will have to cover when you move. Print out the automotive class selection at the community college. Remind him of deadlines, but don't get into a power struggle.
If you do think he might be dealing drugs to get money, I would absolutely search his room.
I agree that he needs to be dealt with as an adult. That's why I suggest that the OP let him know how she expects him to participate in running the household. He lives there. He eats food. His room gets heated/cooled. The food does not just appear there in the fridge. Someone goes out and buys it.
He should be helping with running the house. He should absolutely be expected to take out the garbage, help with home maintenance, run errands, clean the kitchens and bathrooms, etc... That is not a punishment. It is what adults who live in a house do to make sure the house runs smoothly. If he will not participate there are consequences. Not necessarily punishments, but things that will happen if he does not hold up his end of the bargain. If he doesn't want to do those things he can leave. Just like any adult.
I agree that he needs to be dealt with as an adult. That's why I suggest that the OP let him know how she expects him to participate in running the household. He lives there. He eats food. His room gets heated/cooled. The food does not just appear there in the fridge. Someone goes out and buys it.
He should be helping with running the house. He should absolutely be expected to take out the garbage, help with home maintenance, run errands, clean the kitchens and bathrooms, etc... That is not a punishment. It is what adults who live in a house do to make sure the house runs smoothly. If he will not participate there are consequences. Not necessarily punishments, but things that will happen if he does not hold up his end of the bargain. If he doesn't want to do those things he can leave. Just like any adult.
As long as he is attending high school, he is entitled to food and shelter from his guardians (in most states).
It's fine to say what an 18 yr old should be contributing, but I got the impression this boy doesn't feel like it. When he's asked to do something, he leaves the house according to the OP. They don't have a whole lot of leverage here, because they are providing only the basics anyway.
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. I've told him great, but what's his realistic plan? He says he wants to be a mechanic. Great. His high school offers a couple automotive classes but they were full. I'm seriously contemplating having him drop out and get his ged and take some automotive classes at the local community college. At least then he would have a certificate in a trade instead of just a hs diploma with just general ed courses.
