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Old 10-10-2012, 06:29 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,383,747 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magic78 View Post
By beyond repair, I mean we are never going to be that happy, everybody loves everybody family. You can't reject somebody completely based on religion then expect them to forget about it.
Again with the "we are never going to be..." Never is a very very long time.

And no, you can't expect them to forget about it. You can expect to forgive and move on. All of you. And since you can only control your part in this (and yes, you do have a part), I'd think your best bet is to work on what you CAN do rather than what you CAN'T do or what THEY should do.
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Old 10-11-2012, 03:44 AM
 
17,114 posts, read 16,282,943 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magic78 View Post
We've been together 10 years!
At this point, the nastiness probably has less to do with what started all of this (faith difference) and more to do with bad memories of their bad initial reaction to you which led to your distaste of them. Once bitten twice shy.

Are they still needling you about your faith or have they moved on to more petty (personal) stuff?
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Old 10-11-2012, 07:26 AM
 
16,488 posts, read 24,427,875 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magic78 View Post
Thanks for the constructive replies. I have mandated that they are staying at a hotel the next time they come out. This is our house, and I won't host rude, impolite people and make myself nuts. My husband can take the kids and meet them places. I'm sure they will be here at some point but hopefully I can be conveniently gone. The main problem with that plan is that I'm not around my kids that much for a few days. The kids are still really young, and this can be confusing for them.
That is great that you have put your foot down about them staying in your home. I know you will miss your children, but it is probably just a few dats and I think the saving of your sanity is important.
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Old 10-11-2012, 01:35 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
23,919 posts, read 32,249,118 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasHorseLady View Post
I agree that they should not speak badly about either parent to the children. This can be made a rule, but why? For the good of the children, not because it's all about the mother.

If it was a parent or grandparent that you took this stand with 16 years ago, and that was the only issue, then, you know what? YOU may be fine and dandy, but you certainly didn't do it for the good of the child or children in question. I hear a lot of "me, me, me" in your advice, and precious little about the welfare of the children.
When children hear negative comments about their parents the feel,guilt ans shame, Guilt for hearing someone speaking about their parent, and shame because they are related to the "horrible children".

This is not my theory, it's a psychological theory. I have even heard Dr. Phil refer to this. It's well known to most psychologists. It's also related to the uncomfortable feeling a child of divorce feels when a parents puts down an ex-spouse. It is all damaging to the child's sense of self worth.

It's not about rights - the parent's vs the child, but it is about psychological damage.

If people want to talk nasty about a son or daughter in law, at least have enough compassion and respect not to degrade this person around their children or their adult child.

When they trash talk a spouse of an adult child the are also speaking volumes about their own child's ability to select and attract a spouse. All of this is very damaging.

In the case of my father, I brought it up once after several occasions of mildly derisive comments about my husband when my kids were young. Unchecked, and knowing my dad, they would have escalated. Some were in my husband's presence, and he didn't even notice them.A few wee when I was alone with him and my children. They were comments relating to his social class.what his dad did for a living and earning capacity. I would not tolerate it and told him so.

He admitted that he was being "wise" and assured me that it wouldn't happen again. And it didn't. And hasn't. Just as I do not speak ill of my step mother to his face,

Although I have on this board. Fortunately, other than e-mail related to business, he does not use a computer for pleasure.
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Old 10-12-2012, 02:00 PM
 
Location: Northern panhandle WV
3,007 posts, read 3,117,600 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magic78 View Post
By beyond repair, I mean we are never going to be that happy, everybody loves everybody family. You can't reject somebody completely based on religion then expect them to forget about it.

Funny I would have that that is exactly what you should do if you believe in your religion, Forgive and forget, whether they ask for your forgiveness or not.
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Old 10-12-2012, 11:01 PM
 
Location: Liberal Coast
4,280 posts, read 6,068,822 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
Do they do or say anything to your kids that would be damaging to them? If not, I wouldn't keep them apart. I have issues with my in-law's and I don't go out of my way to see them, but I don't purposely keep the kids away either.

I agree. I have family who will not get to be around our kids alone. Why? We are sure that they will try to tell the kids we are going to Hell because of our religion, fill them with lies about our religion, and try to convert them at a very young age. However, they can't do that with us around. So, we will let them be around our kids as long as we are there. Keeping the kids away from family just because you dislike the family is unfair to the kids and the family.
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Old 10-14-2012, 09:55 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,030,981 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I wonder if part of it is that they thought that you were "taking their son away from them" (by saying that you would celebrate the holidays with your children and not with them before you had children or were even married) instead of "joining their family" and "adding" to their family.

My extended family gets together quite often but there isn't something "magic" about Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day or Easter Sunday to us. Occasionally we celebrate the holiday a week early or a week late if a lot of the family has other commitments. In fact this year we had a HUGE Christmas celebration with people coming in from 7 or 8 states and it was held in mid-August.

Most families are not like my family. They feel that celebrating the holidays with them shows how much you love them. Think about how many young married couples end up eating two Thanksgiving dinners or rush between both sets of parents on Christmas Day?

Maybe your in-laws thought that you were the one that decided that their son wouldn't be with them on special days/important holidays. You said that they were welcoming at first. Could this be how some of the problems started?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magic78 View Post
By celebrating the holidays, meaning we would celebrate Easter and Passover, for example. We wouldn't exclude either holiday. Nothing about where we would celebrate or with whom.
Oops, I read it differently.
There are many families that celebrate holidays of two religions. I'm sorry that it is not working out with your in- laws. Several of the other posters gave good advice.
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Old 10-14-2012, 11:39 AM
 
Location: Austin, TX
22 posts, read 36,082 times
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not that you have to reveal your life story - but from my initial interpretation...I would need more info before giving a qualified response.

but - the fact is...you don't NEED them...your kids do. unless they are really negative influences on the kids - twice a year is a bit extreme.
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Old 10-15-2012, 07:26 AM
 
5,697 posts, read 19,099,956 times
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I feel for you. I dont like my in-laws and they have proven not to like me very much either. Not getting along with in-laws is one of those things many dont understand until they experience it. Sure there will always be family squabbles and so forth, that is normal but then there is a whole different situation when people intentionally do not want to get along for the sake of just being close minded and difficult. It really is taxing emotionally.

A difference of religion wasn't a factor in my case. My MIL and SIL's just dont like outsiders. They also believed that my husband was going to be a confirmed bachelor and when he and I started dating, it threw them. They also enjoyed that he was so available for their bidding especially his youngest sister. When that changed then I was controlling him or taking advantage of him. My MIL and SIL's are pretty much like a mean high school girl clique. Sometimes they are super fake around me to get info and then have a feast on what little they know and spin it into something else. Seriously some of the stuff they come up with just blows my mind. I could write a novel on the crap but a classic example is when we went to my MIL's for christmas one year. She loves to entertain and cook. It was one of the rare times I actually felt relaxed. Go figure.

I had some decent conversations with my SIL's, had some good food and then we left. When we got home, we could hear the phone ringing from the drive. It continued to ring as we got in the door and kept ringing over and over to the point we thought something bad happened. My husband grabbed the phone and was immediately taken a back when his mother started yelling asking my husband what my problem was. She said "susie" (my SIL a real sheet starter) informed her that I was rude and refused to eat. My MIL choosing not to use her own brain cells totally forgot that she actually made me a plate and she and I sat down and ate together. My husband even saw me sitting there with her EATING. Did my MIL apologize for her outburst? Nope. She was so eager to just hate on me. This is the kind of stuff I have dealt with for over 20 yrs. NO ONE ever apologizes to me. If my husband gets mad and calls them out on their behavior, they will apologize to him. In a way my husband thinks this is good enough. I dont feel they are sorry. Its just another ride on the roller coaster.

Im pretty much the walking womb that delivered their favorite grandson/nephew. My husband has stepped up and told them to knock it off and if they dont, he will cut them off. The hens settle down, get fake with me again and then I wait for the other shoe to drop, which it usually does. Who knows, I might have an attitude or not eat something the right way at some point or god forbid do something like take a vacation with my mother (ya that apparently is a big no no). I totally understand why you would want to cut off your in-laws. I chose to hang in there because I see the enjoyment my child has being around my in-laws. My family are very aloof and dont get together much where my in-laws are a large family, loud and have many parties. It really does suck being the odd man out and I had hopes years ago that maybe things would be different but it hasnt changed and probably never will. Now that we live away from everyone I dont see them as much. Its kind of nice but then its not. When we make trips back to our hometown, I find that we end up spending time apart. My husband takes my son and sees his family and I end up spending time with my mom. My son is a teenager now and the distance I have with my in-laws is getting greater all the time. I really dont have any solid solution, I have just been winging it for years. I think your husband needs to step up and tell them when behavior isnt appropriate this will **** them off but your husband needs to step up and defend you if he isn't. I wish you luck.
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Old 10-15-2012, 08:33 AM
 
452 posts, read 895,881 times
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I empathisize with you. I do not get along with MIL and FIL is remarried and always comes up with excuses not to visit with StepMIL. I would not exclude them, however, limiting the visits would be happening especially when they are not respecting your home/space. My MIL does not cook, clean, etc when she comes either and it will soon be getting a visit. The respecting of your home I would suggest letting them know when they do come that they are not allowed to eat in bedrooms that it is a house rule. As for helping put dishes away depending on how old the children are I would let them clean up the kitchen in front of them and make them feel real good. Do not go into the bedroom that they are using since it is an invasion of their privacy when they are there as long as they are not eating in their or doing anything questionable. If they use profanity especially in front of the kids or around the kids you have a right to say to them "We do not use those words in this house". Treat them like kids if that is how they are acting.

I have just the opposite issues my MIL and FIL do not believe in social drinking so if I drink a glass of wine in front of them they call me an alcoholic. We all have issues some more than others in this area at least they do not live close by and are stopping over whenever they want to.
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