U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
 
Old 10-09-2012, 03:53 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,246 posts, read 92,553,436 times
Reputation: 40037

Advertisements

I thought this was so insightful that I wanted to share it here for some of you with young kids

John Rosemond: Mother is violating the Agony Principle - Omaha.com
Rate this post positively Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-09-2012, 04:27 PM
 
794 posts, read 1,265,765 times
Reputation: 743
What an idiot that man is! The child is three and a half, and he's suggesting that ignoring misbehaviour during the day and then having a surprise totting up of sins after dinner followed by punishment is in any way effective! Insane.

Quote:
The solution is for you to stop trying to MAKE your daughter go to her room. Instead, When she misbehaves, and you tell her to go to her room (everything is fine to this point), and she refuses, just shrug your shoulders, say “Okay,” and walk away.

That evening, immediately after the evening meal, you and your husband together should tell her that because she wouldn’t go to her room when you told her to go, she has to go to bed right then and there.

She will probably cry and protest, but that should be the end of it. Let that be your policy from now on. When she figures out (which should take no more than a few experiences of this sort) that if she doesn’t cooperate in a small consequence during the day, there’s a big one later, she’ll begin cooperating in the small one.
When a child of that age won't go to a time out or stay there, what works for most kids that age (there are no absolutes in psychology) is what super nanny demonstrates. You just take them back, again and again, calmly and quietly. It works for most children.

Quote:
One last word: The next time your daughter refuses to go to her room for punishment, don’t tell her what awaits her after supper. Surprises keep children on their toes, minding their p’s and q’s, and that sort of thing.
Gobsmacked!

Can you imagine growing up in a house where you're never told what the rules are, never reminded of the consequences, just blindsided from time to time with a punishment for an infraction you don't even remember making?
Rate this post positively Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-09-2012, 04:28 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,990 posts, read 49,711,074 times
Reputation: 98359
I love John Rosemond's approach.

For me, this is the best part:

"In so doing, you’re violating my Agony Principle. It simply states that parents should not agonize over anything a child does or fails to do if the child is perfectly capable of agonizing over it herself. In other words, the emotional consequences of a child’s misbehavior should be borne by the child and the child alone."
Rate this post positively Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-09-2012, 04:30 PM
 
Location: Greater NYC
3,092 posts, read 5,382,655 times
Reputation: 4316
"Marlon Brando was a parenting genius." Love this.

Great insight.
Rate this post positively Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-09-2012, 04:32 PM
 
Location: Greater NYC
3,092 posts, read 5,382,655 times
Reputation: 4316
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
I love John Rosemond's approach.

For me, this is the best part:

"In so doing, you’re violating my Agony Principle. It simply states that parents should not agonize over anything a child does or fails to do if the child is perfectly capable of agonizing over it herself. In other words, the emotional consequences of a child’s misbehavior should be borne by the child and the child alone."
I agree, this was what resonated best with me.
Rate this post positively Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-09-2012, 07:28 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,246 posts, read 92,553,436 times
Reputation: 40037
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild Colonial Girl View Post
What an idiot that man is! The child is three and a half, and he's suggesting that ignoring misbehaviour during the day and then having a surprise totting up of sins after dinner followed by punishment is in any way effective! Insane.



When a child of that age won't go to a time out or stay there, what works for most kids that age (there are no absolutes in psychology) is what super nanny demonstrates. You just take them back, again and again, calmly and quietly. It works for most children.



Gobsmacked!

Can you imagine growing up in a house where you're never told what the rules are, never reminded of the consequences, just blindsided from time to time with a punishment for an infraction you don't even remember making?

Actually, he's not an idiot at all He's a well regarded child psychologist and his techniques are pretty effective.
Rate this post positively Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-09-2012, 10:26 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,990 posts, read 49,711,074 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild Colonial Girl View Post

Can you imagine growing up in a house where you're never told what the rules are, never reminded of the consequences, just blindsided from time to time with a punishment for an infraction you don't even remember making?
Never told the rules?

"Telling the rules" is exactly what this does; it sets up the rules in a way that diffuses the situation and takes the child out of the position of authority.

As for calmly taking the child back to the room again and again, ...

... few parents have the wherewithal to maintain the stoicism needed for that futile exercise. Most would either cave or snap, neither of which is good for the child.

I used the Ferber sleep method on two of my 3 kids, and it was not as easy as you make it sound.
Rate this post positively Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-09-2012, 11:39 PM
 
794 posts, read 1,265,765 times
Reputation: 743
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Never told the rules?

"Telling the rules" is exactly what this does; it sets up the rules in a way that diffuses the situation and takes the child out of the position of authority.

As for calmly taking the child back to the room again and again, ...

... few parents have the wherewithal to maintain the stoicism needed for that futile exercise. Most would either cave or snap, neither of which is good for the child.

I used the Ferber sleep method on two of my 3 kids, and it was not as easy as you make it sound.
Who ever said parenting is easy! If you want easy, get a fish instead. Of course it's much much easier to just ignore their behaviour, no matter how appalling, all day until after dinner and then come down on them like a ton of bricks for a collection of misbehaviours. Problem is, that you're not doing anything to change their undesirable behaviours. Three year olds are incapable of connecting something that happened ten hours earlier with such a delayed consequence. And if you're not even going to remind them of it at the time! That's just giving up, but trying to pretend like you're still doing something. Child runs rampant all day, hits, breaks things, ignores you, screams, etc. And then after dinner you send them to bed for it? No wonder the people on the spanking thread think no one disciplines their child any more, they must live where this person is popular.

And yes, you have to be able to remain calm. That's because you're the adult, and you decided you were mature enough to have kids, remember? Just because you get annoyed is no reason to give up the whole parenting gig as too hard. You have a responsibility to the child and to society to do your darnedest to modify their behaviour to fit in with everyone else.
Rate this post positively Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-09-2012, 11:44 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,246 posts, read 92,553,436 times
Reputation: 40037
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild Colonial Girl View Post
Who ever said parenting is easy! If you want easy, get a fish instead. Of course it's much much easier to just ignore their behaviour, no matter how appalling, all day until after dinner and then come down on them like a ton of bricks for a collection of misbehaviours. Problem is, that you're not doing anything to change their undesirable behaviours. Three year olds are incapable of connecting something that happened ten hours earlier with such a delayed consequence. And if you're not even going to remind them of it at the time! That's just giving up, but trying to pretend like you're still doing something. Child runs rampant all day, hits, breaks things, ignores you, screams, etc. And then after dinner you send them to bed for it? No wonder the people on the spanking thread think no one disciplines their child any more, they must live where this person is popular.

And yes, you have to be able to remain calm. That's because you're the adult, and you decided you were mature enough to have kids, remember? Just because you get annoyed is no reason to give up the whole parenting gig as too hard. You have a responsibility to the child and to society to do your darnedest to modify their behaviour to fit in with everyone else.
Did we read the same post?

I don't see where Wm is giving up or that they think parenting should be "easy".

Any good parent knows that parenting is not "easy".

We are all on the same side here, so why are you being so aggressive and argumentative?
Rate this post positively Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-09-2012, 11:57 PM
 
794 posts, read 1,265,765 times
Reputation: 743
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Did we read the same post?

I don't see where Wm is giving up or that they think parenting should be "easy".

Any good parent knows that parenting is not "easy".

We are all on the same side here, so why are you being so aggressive and argumentative?
Oh no, I am not on the side of anyone who'd treat their child the way this person suggesting. It's just stupid, besides being lazy, developmentally inappropriate and mean.

At three ( and two and four and five) a child needs immediate response to an undesirable behaviour. Ignoring it and then telling them they're in trouble up to twelve hours later is, quite simply, stupid.
Rate this post positively Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2021, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top