Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've read the whole thread...I think what the OP is trying to say that altho her parents "thought" they were doing the right thing...they weren't. No place do I see in her post that her parents let them be kids or that her home was filled with love. It sounded like they were supposed to be good little soldiers.
They were too concerned about having the "perfect" child. When a parent is too concerned about their kids being perfect a lot of emotional damage can be done. Emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse.
I don't care if you went to public school or private.
For those who say she should "get over it" or "you're an adult, let it go". What is the magical age that all the problems or issues you dealt with growing up just disappear? At what age are you magically "over it?"
I'd like to know, because I'm 50 and still dealing with some on the issues my parents saddled me with. And yes I'm sure my son will do the same. Hopefully I recognized my parents mistakes and corrected them as I was raising him. It wasn't easy.
(I probably just gave him a whole new set.)
But as an older adult and because I did raise a child, I can look back and understand why they did or didn't do some of the things they did. Was it right? No. But I understand why. Their parents were the same way.
So, when I catch myself or one of my siblings doing or starting to do the same demeaning things they did to us, I stop it. A child's self esteem is just too important.
So...I can forgive my parents...I have and I hope the OP finds it in her heart to do the same....I don't dwell on it....but I cannot and will not "let it go." I and my siblings struggle to break the cycle and we will.
Like other's have said, Parents do the best they can to the best of their abilities, but no Parent is so perfect that they can't learn from another's mistakes. The mistake is THINKING you're perfect and you have all the answers.
Like other's have said, Parents do the best they can to the best of their abilities, but no Parent is so perfect that they can't learn from another's mistakes. The mistake is THINKING you're perfect and you have all the answers.
Yes. Thanks Granny Sue. I finally was able to shed my anger at my mother YEARS after I decided that I did not want to do as she had done. It wasn't so much as I finally realized... she is not some magic super human. She is just a PERSON. So she screwed up, Silly, Mom, you got some of that wrong. Ooops! It made me feel very resilient.
I think it is interesting that as much as people don't want to learn from other people's mistakes, they also don't want to learn from others successes. I think it is a confidence problem. In order to be open to being able to change, one has to admit to possibly being wrong in the first place. It takes a great deal of self esteem to be able to admit your wrong.
It was easy-ish for me when I realized that what I was doing was exactly what I hated about my mother. (Mirror, mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all.) By that time, I had already gotten over the "right" syndrome when I got my head handed to me on a plate wrt my handling of my marriage. I was trying so hard to be right, I was totally screwing up my marriage. Then revelation hit that if I could admit that I could be wrong, then I could start looking at what I could change to make it better. That SOUNDS obvious. But it was quite a revelation.
So by the time I was looking at my son thinking, if you keep down this path you are going to have power struggles with your child till the day you die, I had already admitted I was dead wrong in one big case. So it was pretty easy by then for me.
But I guess... you see people fighting so hard against any change. And I can't help that the root of that, whether it is a parenting, relationship, work, community... change is lack of base/ core self esteem.
This is not directed at anyone on this thread - I'm just posting my 10 cents.
I do try really hard (sometimes) to remind myself that my parents did the best they knew how and it's not entirely their fault they didn't know any better. However, it's the "entirely" that always gets me because I truly believe that all parents have to know there are some things you just don't do.
What frustrates me are parents who never admit or even recognise that they made mistakes - everything they did was perfectly justified and normal and if anyone is bothered by it, it's their fault for having feelings in the first place.
In the immortal words of Philip Larkin:
They f*** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were f****d up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
In the immortal words of Philip Larkin:
They f*** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were f****d up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can, And don't have any kids yourself.
Nice poem, though its intended message falls a bit flat here on the Parenting forum.
This is not directed at anyone on this thread - I'm just posting my 10 cents.
I do try really hard (sometimes) to remind myself that my parents did the best they knew how and it's not entirely their fault they didn't know any better. However, it's the "entirely" that always gets me because I truly believe that all parents have to know there are some things you just don't do.
What frustrates me are parents who never admit or even recognise that they made mistakes - everything they did was perfectly justified and normal and if anyone is bothered by it, it's their fault for having feelings in the first place.
In the immortal words of Philip Larkin:
They f*** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were f****d up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
It's not that parents think everything they did was right (as in perfect for that child), it's that parents know that this is just how it is. No one gets everything right. My parents didn't, their parents didn't, I don't and my kids won't when they're parents. You forgive because people are human and humans make mistakes. To expect perfection from your parents...to blame them for not being perfect...is to set a bar that YOU cannot reach. Yes, my parents were imperfect but so am I and not because they made me this way. It's just because I'm human.
IMO, there's no real sense in telling ones parents what they did wrong because no purpose can be served other than to just be mean. It's not like telling them will fix it. They can't go back in time and fix it. All you can do is not make the mistakes they made...but don't worry, you'll make your own...that your kids won't tell you about because it's water under the bridge but they will, in turn, make their own. That's just life. The only time it makes sense to talk about those mistakes is if you see someone currently raising kids making the same ones. Then you might do some good but no good comes out of after the fact finger pointing.
What we need to do is learn from our parents mistakes just as our kids will learn from ours. Once you have kids of your own you realize just how human and clueless your parents were because you find that you are human and clueless. It's a never ending cycle.
It's not that parents think everything they did was right (as in perfect for that child), it's that parents know that this is just how it is. No one gets everything right.
How is that not tantamount to throwing up your hands and giving up?
How is that not tantamount to throwing up your hands and giving up?
Because nobody is quitting. I didn't say stop parenting because you might make a mistake. I said that parents know that they will make mistakes just as our parents made mistakes and our kids will make mistakes. It's part of being human. That's why you forgive. The only people who have the right to not forgive others are those who are perfect themselves and none of us are.
Knowing I'm not perfect is not reason to quit. It's just reason to be sure of our choices knowing full well some of them will not be the optimum choice and we may or may not ever find out which ones were. I would never have told my parents what they did "wrong". There's no point after the fact. I just accept that they were human and get on with my life. Yes, their mistakes left me with permanent scars but telling them, blaming them and holding a grudge would have accomplished absolutely nothing.
I won't make the same mistakes my parents made. If I did they wouldn't be mistakes at all since I chose them knowing what the outcome can be. Those would be deliberates.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
.)
I didn't say stop parenting because you might make a mistake. I said that parents know that they will make mistakes just as our parents made mistakes and our kids will make mistakes. It's part of being human. That's why you forgive. The only people who have the right to not forgive others are those who are perfect themselves and none of us are. 
