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Q: At some point you need to "Exclude" some from parties.
As she get older, her "class" size get bigger, Does she invite everyone in the grade 50/100 Girls? 300? 1000? Invite the boys 2000? If one of her friends is in a different classroom does she have to invite everyone there also, All the friends who use to be in her classroom?
My Son Does not get along with kids (guy) next door, they are 6 months apart in age, (1 grade higher). They don't fight or anything, just not friends, they never hung out, when We moved here I attempted to get them together, but they they did not connect. So Other then waiting at the bus stop, they don't see/do anything with each other.
Since she plays with the other girl, she is within her social circle, and even as an acquaintance she should not be excluded. Your daughter should not be in the habit of limiting a guest list based upon what might happen, so I would encourage her to take a risk with this girl, since she may have a disorder or may just be socially awkward being new to the area. What is the worst that she could do in a structured social setting? Moreover, you did not cut her off at a particular number by cost, so this is an addition.
I would mitigate the potential by inviting a parent to stay so you and your husband can get to know them better. If her mother comes with her, that would be s help to you with respect to keeping the party going, and if it's dad, he can commiserate in the corner with your husband during the glamor portion of the party.
All of this is assuming that she accepts the invitation. She may have other plans, but at least she would not have been excluded from the guest list.
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All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.
~William Shakespeare (As You Like It Act II, Scene VII)
Are other neighborhood friends being invited, or are the other guests all classmates of your daughter? Can you ask her to elaborate her reasons for wanting to exclude this little girl? Do you know the child's parents? Can you observe her playtime interactions with your daughter and other children? Have you seen anything in your previous encounters with this child which might help explain your daughter's wanting to exclude her? Can you ask other neighbors if they've observed any problems with her behavior and/or demeanor? Is the child the same age as your daughter (I may have missed this bit of info)? A younger child should not be held to the same standards as an older one.
If the other party guests are all schoolmates and do not include neighborhood playmates, that is one thing. But if every other neighborhood friend is being invited, excluding this little girl seems needlessly cruel and smacks of scapegoating.
Yes, your child should have some choices about celebrating her birthday - but choosing to hurt another child without cause is not a good choice. Let her pick what kind of cake and icecream she prefers, choose party games and decorations and theme - but teach her to be kind. In the long run, that's far more important.
There are so many considerations here...more information would make your decision easier. Given what you have shared, I'd be in favor of teaching your daughter the virtue of inclusion, and invite this little girl.
As others have pointed out, the party sounds as if it will be rather structured, which is likely to make it easier for a child with ADD-ADHD to focus, especially if you can enlist other adult "party helpers" who can discretely help focus or refocus wandering attention and steer the activities calmly but firmly.
The one good thing is maybe you are picking up information about this neighborhood friendship that you may not have had otherwise. My 10-year-old daughter recently helped plan her birthday party, and when she made her list I thought it was so sweet she included a new girl at school that my daughter said was lonely. However, then I noticed she left off a neighbor, who she plays with somewhat frequently.
I thought this exclusion was an oversight. My daughter admitted though that she did not want to invite her. We discussed it, and she agreed that this may not be a good idea because she was inviting another neighbor. Therefore, we added her, but the girl could not come. In the end though, this made me realize that maybe my daughter should not hang out with this neighbor girl as frequently. It seems they mainly end up together because of convenience rather than true friendship. This can be a problem with neighborhood kids.
If your daughter is going to keep playing with this girl, I would lean towards inviting her. If you want to lessen the ties between them, then maybe you can skip the invitation.
I'd be in favor of teaching your daughter the virtue of inclusion, and invite this little girl.
This.
This can be a lesson in "we all live in this world together". Some day your daughter is going to be looking for someone to play with. And who will be around? The neighbor. Inviting her isn't going to shift the balance of power in the world and your daughter might just (if you approach it the right way) learn that there are all kinds of kids who can become your friend.
Perhaps your daughter fears the neighbor will embarrass her in front of her other friends. Or the child is not in the "in crowd" at school. Six year olds are getting into the cliques and exclusionary behavior just like the older girls these days. Destructive, mean or violent behavior would be a reason to not to include the neighbor. Quirky, awkward behavior would not, IMO. You can keep an ear open for signs of tension and diffuse it. Or maybe the girl's mother will stay.
One of my children has a friend whose behavior has generally become increasingly aggressive, and he and my child are moving farther apart in terms of what they have in common. We skipped inviting him to the last party. My son is quite old enough to decide whom he wants to invite.
My other child has been invited to some parties and deliberately excluded from others. There are some "mean" girls in her school who like to invite some girls and not others and flaunt that. One has been known to invite and take back invitations. One year, my daughter received an invitation from this girl. I told my daughter she wasn't going. She can't go to every one, and I think it's easy to skip a party given by a petty girl.
Q: At some point you need to "Exclude" some from parties.
As she get older, her "class" size get bigger, Does she invite everyone in the grade 50/100 Girls? 300? 1000? Invite the boys 2000? If one of her friends is in a different classroom does she have to invite everyone there also, All the friends who use to be in her classroom?
My Son Does not get along with kids (guy) next door, they are 6 months apart in age, (1 grade higher). They don't fight or anything, just not friends, they never hung out, when We moved here I attempted to get them together, but they they did not connect. So Other then waiting at the bus stop, they don't see/do anything with each other.
The difference is according to the OP the uninvited and the birthday child ARE friends and play together regularly.
I have however explained it to DD about if this girl would have a birthday party and DD is not invited, how would she feel? Her answer: I don't care.
This is a typical answer that kids give when they themselves are not in a situation. I'm sure she would care if she was excluded. It's very easy to say the above when you are excluder rather than the excludee.
I think it's a teaching moment about kindness and consideration and the neighbor should be invited to the party. Choosing the location, cake, decorations and stuff is fine but these types of situations, IMO, require the parent to step in and give a lesson in being kind and considerate. These girls will be neighbors probably for a long time and may get closer in a year or two. Even if they drift apart, inviting her-- to me-- is the right thing to do.
I think you should really find out the reason why.
On the one hand, I feel bad for the neighbor girl, especially since your daughter plays with her. Maybe something has happened. Maybe the neighbor girl feels isolated. Maybe your daughter's other friends are telling your daughter not to invite her. Heck, maybe there's something "weird" about the neighbor girl that your daughter hasn't told you yet.
I agree though, at some point you are not going to be able to invite everybody but you know your daughter best. if this is out of character for her, you should find out why before accepting her choice. With that said, it's your daughter's birthday so she should be able to pick her guests. As the adult, however, I think it's our job to make sure the decision she's making is acceptable to you.
Yes, she should be invited! Six-year-olds are often far different from their adult counterparts; there were people I would have rejected without a thought at 6. You don't know how this child will react if she's not invited. She could be devastated. I wouldn't exclude just her on such a behavioral factor.
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