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The other thread where I'm being lambasted for not exposing my kids go "gang bangers" and teaching them how to deal with them has me wondering just how many parents don't care who their kids hang out with. Every parent I know tries to keep their kids away from bad influences. They'd much rather keep their kids away from "gang bangers" than teach them how to deal with them.
So, here's a poll.
Do you try to keep your kids away from bad influences or do you try to expose them to them?
The question used the word "influences". So yes, anything bad that influences my kids I would try to keep them from. It's like keeping your kids away from someone with a cold. You don't want your kids to catch a cold.
The problem with keeping kids away from something is that the minute you tell them it's bad and they have to stay away, they're going to do everything they can to get right up close to it. Secondly, you can't just tell kids something is bad and leave it at that. You need to talk TO them, not at them. Explain what the problem is, why you don't want them getting involved with XYZ, why it disturbs you. In other words, treat them with a little respect and not like morons. Children are curious and the more you try to restrict them, the worse they're going to rebel. Trust me, I know! Also, don't just assume your kids know why something is bad. My parents spent most of my life assuming I knew what they knew and when I didn't, acted like it was my fault. Yes your kids will probably accuse you of treating them like an idiot, but with luck and a little common sense, hopefully you can have an honest conversation with them and not make them feel like you don't trust them.
I don't live in a place where I have to worry over much about gang bangers. I honestly don't understand why anyone would choose to live in a place like that.
That said, barring imminent harm, I don't keep my kids from anything. That's their job. I have a strong degree of confidence that they have no desire to hang out with people who do stupid and dangerous things.
I wish I had a dime for every single time I've witnessed a kid from a seemingly great, high moral, loving, two parent home/ family busy leading others 'astray' and into mischief!
So many of these types/ fortunates were happily engaged in carousing, doing drugs, getting down--- while many of their less fortunate counterparts (supposed mischievous kids) from single parent homes were heading to after school jobs just to get some of the basics in life.
Sometimes some of the worst influences can be in YOUR own backyard.
Heck yes, I do! That's why I kept him in swimming for so long. Yeah, I know they have their bad apples - but they have the highest GPA of all the other winter sports COMBINED and they are trained to think about their body - what they are putting into it, etc. They trained to rise very early and practice long hours.
Is that going to be the answer to all the bad influences? Probably not - but at least I can do my part to stack the deck in his favor.
I can tell you he has already gotten into way less trouble than I did in HS. I had too much free time.
I believe the belief that because a school is comprised of teens from wealthier families (which is what was implied by the OP in the thread to which she refers) there is "no bad crowd" is what was being disagreed with. There are "bad crowds" pretty much everywhere. In the OP's case, she has stated that her DD struggled in one school with hanging out with "the wrong crowd" and isn't doing so in this school. That could be for a variety of reasons - sometimes some kids just need a fresh start. In other cases, a fresh start wouldn't matter because there are kids who will find "the wrong crowd" in any group.
I don't believe that keeping kids busy with positive things is the same thing as actively keeping your kids away from what may be perceived to be a "bad element" (things mentioned by the OP besides "gang banger" include those with purple hair and those with more middle class families). The reality of a teens behavior/choices might be one thing around an adult who has some leverage and quite another when adults are no longer around. And THAT is when you absolutely want your child to know what to do and how to handle situations.
I don't live in a place where I have to worry over much about gang bangers. I honestly don't understand why anyone would choose to live in a place like that.
That said, barring imminent harm, I don't keep my kids from anything. That's their job. I have a strong degree of confidence that they have no desire to hang out with people who do stupid and dangerous things.
I really don't see anyone seeking out a gang infested neighborhood to raise their children in. People live where they can afford to live.
That being said, I wouldn't feel the need to keep my daughter from negative influences if I had confidence in her judgment, upbringing, and common sense. Parents who isolate their children from what they consider to be "bad" influences are running the risk of making those bad people seem more intriguing than if they allowed their kid to use their own brain and make their own choices.
The poll is way too simplistic. Of course I don't want my kids hanging out with bad influences, but I'm not naive enough to think that bad influences are excluded from groups who look a certain way, or have a certain amount of money, or live in a certain area, or attend a certain church. They can be anywhere an look like anything. I don't want to shelter my kids so much that they don't know different types of people exist.
I voted other because I did different things at different ages. When my kids were small I kept them from other kids that I thought were bad influences. The thing is there are different types of bad influences and what I did depended on the situation.
When the kids got a little older (elementary age) I encouraged some friendships and discouraged others but I did not outright forbid them to be friends with kids that I thought were not good influences. The thing is that some friendships died because I did not let my kids do things that their friends were allowed to do. At that age they find friends who do the same things they do.
As teens I don't attempt to keep them away from certain kids but I do attempt to keep them from certain situations. I don't allow the younger ones (13/16) to go to warehouse parties, or parties that are unsupervised. I don't allow them to get in the car with certain people. I also drive them to/from any parties that they attend. Once the kids get drivers licenses (my middle will have a license in a few weeks) the ability to keep them out of certain situations is limited. However, I am confident that they will make good decisions most of the time. If they don't I guess I will have to deal with it.
My oldest is in college. Obviously, the time to influence him is over.
Who the he*ll would want their child to be exposed to negative influences??
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