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Old 11-27-2012, 04:39 PM
 
Location: Wherever life takes me.
6,190 posts, read 7,958,468 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Granny Sue View Post
Then he needs to open up his mouth and make his wishes known.
His hosts are not mind readers.

The grunts and the eye rolling are rude.
Eye rolling maybe...
We used to communicate by grunts remember?
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Old 11-27-2012, 07:12 PM
 
Location: Orlando
8,176 posts, read 18,505,998 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
Eye rolling maybe...
We used to communicate by grunts remember?
I would like to think that we evolved just a wee bit in the last 2000 years.
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Old 11-27-2012, 09:08 PM
 
16,235 posts, read 25,147,660 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snooper View Post
I think this is the best reply so far.

He not just moody the first hour of the day but instead he won't say a word until he has been up for at least 3 hours.

Here is the other things he does:

Ask him a question, get a one word answer
Try to bring up topics of conversation about things he may be interested in and he gives very little feedback
Never brings up a topic of conversation himself
Lots of eye rolling and grunts when we speak
Negative body language and no positive reinforcement
When he is in the car with us he spends 95% of his time on his smart phone.

My sister tells me he claims he has a great time when he is here and loves all the places we take him in the DC area and is looking forward to coming again in February.

Maybe it is just a case of people have different expectations of communication. Ever seen Wife Swap and how couples and families interact with each other so much.

In the final analysis I think he needs to defer to us as the ones who are putting him up, taking him to tourist attractions and paying for his food. But how to tell him he is not pleasing us in his conversational style without making it worse?
Here's how I'd handle it. Just quit trying to engage him. You and your wife just go about your business. Don't talk to him at all. He'll be thrown by the 360 and he'l start trying to engage you...Especially when you don't ask him to join you on your outings. A reverse psychology. It's worth a try.
I think you are spending too much time trying to treat him like company...He isn't company any more, he is there too often. Just behave like he isn't there next visit. He'll either shape up, or decide he's over stayed his welcome and make other arrangements. The old saying...What you accept, you teach. applies...You still bend over backwards, and you say he is like you describe....your rewarding his inappropriate behavior, he isn't 12. I'd like to know how this works for you, be sure and update. Also, you could invite his Mom...maybe you'd see a different side to him. I still am waiting to hear why all of you are so disengaged as a family....distance alone won't do that. Try to get your sister, your other nephew, and your son involved during the next visit.
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Old 11-28-2012, 01:05 AM
 
34,254 posts, read 20,498,148 times
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Dude! Get an xBox and you will never see him!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Granny Sue View Post
I would like to think that we evolved just a wee bit in the last 2000 years.
Huh! Huhhh??? <man cave talk for "yes dear">
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Old 11-28-2012, 05:47 PM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,570,473 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Granny Sue View Post
While I partially agree with you and I do think the shrugging and the grunts are him trying to show he's cool, it's not fair to the person hosting said teen when they are trying to include him in their daily lives.

I had a nephew do this to me...after many attempts at trying to engage him, in frustration I just left anyway to do what I wanted to do. He whined to his father that I just left him behind. I calmly explained to my brother that I tried on numerous occasions to find out what he wanted to do but never got a response so assumed that he wasn't interested in joining me so I left. I wasn't going to deprive myself of the enjoyment.

I then explained to my nephew that I was not a mind reader, I ask questions for a reason and that if he found it difficult to answer simple questions like 'do you want to go do such and such' or 'do you like to eat this or that' then maybe he needs to stay at his own house.
He learned quickly that I meant what I said. We are very close to this day.

He learned to answer me or get left behind or go hungry.
I think it's fair enough to tell them you aren't a mind reader and if they have some preference they need to speak up but teenagers aren't always chatty-cathies when it comes to adults --- and many were raised with the idea that children are to be seen and not heard and still haven't come out of their shells when it comes to conversing with people over 30.

I think I almost prefer being around kids who don't really have to or want to talk much than those who want to tell you every detail of their day. Silence can be golden.

Also it may just be how this kid is -- some kids don't chat all that much around their own friends, they just like to be there but are not the talkative kinds.

And some kids just like to make sure they're staying "cool" -- which might look like negative body language but it's not. Some like to stay cool at all times -- even when they're happy and a big excited, they don't want to look like an enthusiastic 10 year old might.
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Old 11-29-2012, 05:00 PM
 
16,235 posts, read 25,147,660 times
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He also may have school work he is doing. I think either go about your business, and do not expect him to be an active social participant. If that isn't acceptable to you...than tell him the visits are over. I'd do it after Christmas, since it is so close. Question....Does he ever go home to his mothers house at all??
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Old 11-29-2012, 05:10 PM
 
2,612 posts, read 5,574,350 times
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I don't think it will do any good. I work with kids that age, and you just cannot get through to them by talking. They need to grow into those understandings. Best for you to just try to deal with it as best you can or tell your sister to suck it up and fly him home for breaks or get him off-campus housing next year so he won't need a place to stay. If he's in Virginia, then there are probably plenty of off campus options. That seems like the best solution to me.
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Old 11-29-2012, 05:27 PM
 
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I can't stand his moods and wish that he wouldn't have come to Virginia to go to college and we didn't have to sponsor him for this school holidays.
I really would like to know how you came to be in this position since you are not close to either your sister or your nephew.
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Old 11-30-2012, 12:33 PM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,300 posts, read 84,292,537 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snooper View Post
I am a step parent of a child who is off to college but because he is really my wife's child and he was off to college when we got married I can say I have no experience being around many young people.

OK, with that in mind I need advice from parents and others that understand the mentality of kids in their late teens.

My sister's son decided he wanted to move to the East Coast to go to college and picked a University about 75 miles from where I live. I really did not know the young man very well because he lived 2000 miles away and I only saw him occasionally. My sister decided, without any real involvement from me, I that her son (age 19) would spend his school Holidays, such as Spring, Fall and Thanksgiving Breaks, at our house because the dorm is closed.

I am struggling as a middle aged person, who did not have children in my 20s, 30s or 40s, to understand the mentality of someone 19 years old. My 19 year old nephew, when he comes to stay at my home, is moody, quiet, distracted and a lousy conversationalist 60% of the time. The other 40% of the time he is kind of manic and outgoing. I have never seen anyone change their mood so often in one day. I can't relate because I am always pretty much in a good mood and talkative most of the time.

Here is my question: I can't stand his moods and wish that he wouldn't have come to Virginia to go to college and we didn't have to sponsor him for this school holidays. My 20 year old stepson is not like this and he is the only person that age that I really know all that well. I don't remember being so moody when I was 19 years old.

Should I talk to him next time he comes and tell him that if he is going to come to OUR HOME he needs to clean up his act and stop being so moody? He is visiting our home and eating our food and being entertained by us. Or would talking to him about our concerns make it worse because we aren't his parents? (I suspect he would never admit their is a problem with his moods.)

I really don't know how to tell my sister about this because we really aren't that close and she couldn't change him from 2000 miles away. So?
First thing I thought of when I read the part I bolded was "cokehead". Doesn't mean I'm right.
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Old 11-30-2012, 10:32 PM
 
Location: Wherever life takes me.
6,190 posts, read 7,958,468 times
Reputation: 3325
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
First thing I thought of when I read the part I bolded was "cokehead". Doesn't mean I'm right.
I know people who do coke, I have been around people doing coke.
They aren't anything like that and don't say he doesn't have it on him he could be doing it in his room and no one would know.
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