Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm going through the same thing with my kids...but my kids don't have a step-father or grandfather. My ex is the definition of a deadbeat. He makes excuses for not participating. It's never his fault, always someone elses. He barely pays support. He calls and says he'll visit then stands my kids up. For once he made good on his word and took my girls out for breakfast over the weekend...my son didn't go, he wants nothing to do with him. Anyway, while my girls were out with their dad, he snatched my 12 year olds cell phone from her and started going through her address book. He then scolded her about having boys phone numbers and threatened to keep her phone. Problem number one...that is MY phone, that I pay for every month. I dare him to try to keep it. Problem number two...he has not seen the girls in over a year. What nerve of him to step in and scold anyone? I believe he should be focused on re-building the relationship he broke up...and I told him that. His response? 'They need to hurry up and come around...I don't have time for this. I have other children that need my attention.' I told him to crawl back under the rock from which he came, and leave us alone like he had been doing.
Eventually your kids will get sick of their dad's BS. They will learn to appreciate what they have and will focus their attention on relationships that aren't a constant slap in the face. You probably want to get them in counseling. As I have learned, there is a lot that kids won't tell you because they don't want to burden you with their problems. I found out that my oldest daughter thinks I'm going to pack up and leave in the middle of the night....all because dad can't be bothered to spend a little bit of time with her.
Sorry have to vent... My daughter fractured her wrist last year. During healing she had a growth spurt. One bone grew, the other didn't, now she needs surgery to cut the bone & put pins & rods in. Her "father" works at a hospital an hour from here. Of course his insurance is centered around doctors in the hospital. I sent him a fax to please find her a good surgeon, of course he never answered Funny, he wants to be involved yet when I need him to be, he ignores it.
She called him today (2 weeks later) asking why he never answered the fax, claims he never got it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tish Thompson
Anyway, while my girls were out with their dad, he snatched my 12 year olds cell phone from her and started going through her address book. He then scolded her about having boys phone numbers and threatened to keep her phone. Problem number one...that is MY phone, that I pay for every month. I dare him to try to keep it.
Heck, my Ex tried to keep my daughters phone because it was better then his. Said she didn't need a cell, she was too young. Only reason she had one was because when she went to his house he wouldn't pick his phone up when I tried to call.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tish Thompson
Eventually your kids will get sick of their dad's BS. They will learn to appreciate what they have and will focus their attention on relationships that aren't a constant slap in the face. You probably want to get them in counseling. As I have learned, there is a lot that kids won't tell you because they don't want to burden you with their problems. I found out that my oldest daughter thinks I'm going to pack up and leave in the middle of the night....all because dad can't be bothered to spend a little bit of time with her.
Some actually seek out relationships where they get emotionally slapped around. I never realized it until you wrote this, but this is my son. Wonder if I can get him to consider therapy.
I too have a dead beat dad. I am 29 years old and havent seen the man since i was 1. he was court ordered to pay child support on me and my brother in 1980 and couldnt even pay 20 dollars a week. the man was also granted visitation by the courts and never visited once. no phone calls, birthday cards, or even a post card to say hello. for 16 years it was like he fell off the face of the earth. when i was 16 years old i went to his mothers home looking for him and got called a money grubbing wh*re by my own grandmother and chased off with a shotgun.his mom said all my family wanted was money and that he didnt have any. none the less my mother never recieved a penny from him or the welfare she worked 3 jobs to support us till she remarried in 87. in 2004 i looked up my fathers twin sister and she told me that for the last 25 years he has been living the good life with his wealthy wife and 3 daughters ages 29, 28, and 21. he denies that my brother and i belong to him even though my mother has copies of the dna tests. now if that isnt a dead beat dad i dont know what is
It will come back to haunt him someday. You are a strong person to rise above this. I'm glad you had a mother that worked so hard to support you and your brother!
This is a very difficult subject matter and it's even harder because it involves the children. I am going to highly recommend that you NEVER bad mouth the other parent (no matter what the circumstances are). When children grow older, they can form their own judgment about the absent parent. My father was never a part of my life. We were raised by my Mother but we also had a tight knit family unit in that my grandparents/great-grandmother's/uncles were all instrumental in our upbringing. My Mother nor anyone else in the family ever uttered one bad word about our father. When I was 16 I went to visit a great aunt who happened to live in the same town as my father. She wanted me to call my father and go by to see him. I had no interest in doing so, because I had formed an opinion that he had no interest in me. Needless to say, my great aunt, gave me a long speech on why I shouldn't feel this and that. I have seen my father and have talked to him on various occasions whenever I'm in his city, but the point is, I formed my own opinions and my opinion is that I don't need a relationship with him and it would be phony for me to pretend like I want one.
Then you have on the other hand in some instances where the Mother of the children make it extremely difficult for the Father to have a relationship with his child(ren). My husband is a prime example - the childrens mother makes his life a living h*ll. He can't call his children without her getting on the phone b*tching and complaining. When he asked to get the children every other weekend - she was cool at first. When it came time again, she would make up excuses and try to impose stipulations (none of which ever made sense). She can't keep a phone on for longer than 2 months. We have sinced moved to another state and on occasions he sent boxes of clothing for the kids - this ignorant a*s, takes the box of clothing to his Mothers' house and says, that the kids don't like this stuff. Whenever she does have a working phone and we're able to track down the number, he attempts to call and have conversations with the kids - she's always in the background, talking sh*t. It's a sad situation in that she has the oldest daughter totally brainwashed in that she won't even get on the phone to talk to her Father. He's just written it off and said that hopefully she'll come around.
So in essence this subject is always two-fold however in your case, I think that the Father is the problem, not you. Good luck and keep your head up!
Excellent advice. My ex-husband's parents divorced when he was 16, and his mother was so bitter about it that she still badmouths his father to him, and pressured him so much about seeing his father that he finally cut off contact with him to shut her up. He didn't even see or speak to his father for over a decade. I urged him to invite his father to our wedding, which he did, and it was the first time he'd set eyes on his father in 15 years. His father was so pleased to be included that he cried tears of joy at the ceremony. They still didn't have regular contact after that until a few years later; I thought it would help him to have a relationship with his dad.
We visited his father and spent a few days with him and his family, and my MIL hit the roof...basically because my FIL said that pretty much everything my MIL said about him was BS, except for a few things...and after meeting the man, I couldn't reconcile him with the violent, cruel man that she had described. She refused to speak to my ex for several weeks and still resents me for encouraging my ex to heal the rift between him and his father. The two of them now have a good relationship; they're not very close, but they're working on it. Personally I think it's none of her damn business; my ex is 40 and old enough to live his life without his mother interfering. She did interfere so much that it ruined our marriage.
So...not only can an overbearing mother wreck her childrens' relationships with their father, they can wreck their relationships with their spouses too and ruin their self-esteem in the bargain. How much would it suck to constantly be told that the person who contributed 50% of your DNA is a "worthless scumbag"?
I too have a dead beat dad. I am 29 years old and havent seen the man since i was 1. he was court ordered to pay child support on me and my brother in 1980 and couldnt even pay 20 dollars a week. the man was also granted visitation by the courts and never visited once. no phone calls, birthday cards, or even a post card to say hello. for 16 years it was like he fell off the face of the earth. when i was 16 years old i went to his mothers home looking for him and got called a money grubbing wh*re by my own grandmother and chased off with a shotgun.his mom said all my family wanted was money and that he didnt have any. none the less my mother never recieved a penny from him or the welfare she worked 3 jobs to support us till she remarried in 87. in 2004 i looked up my fathers twin sister and she told me that for the last 25 years he has been living the good life with his wealthy wife and 3 daughters ages 29, 28, and 21. he denies that my brother and i belong to him even though my mother has copies of the dna tests. now if that isnt a dead beat dad i dont know what is
I do believe it is the law that if your mother takes your father to court, they will GARNISH his wages (so he has not choice to not pay) and she will get all of the back child support that he owes from years ago.
So...not only can an overbearing mother wreck her childrens' relationships with their father, they can wreck their relationships with their spouses too and ruin their self-esteem in the bargain. How much would it suck to constantly be told that the person who contributed 50% of your DNA is a "worthless scumbag"?
This is very true and the reason I don't bad mouth their father where they can hear it.
He didn't call them for Thanksgiving. It has now been 9 months since he called them. He won't even return their calls. I feel bad for them. I know they don't understand. No man, no matter how wonderful, will be able to replace their Fathers love.
Back in '93, my parents divorced. Instead of a dead-beat dad, I got a dead-beat mom This came about because she was Active Duty stationed to a ship while he was a civi. I didn't hear from her for many years...
After getting out with disability, she stopped paying child support. My dad did just about everything he could to keep the roof over my sister and myself.
About 3 years ago, my mother finally decided to try and come back into my life. It started out difficult because I hated her very much for what she did to my father.
Please assure your children over and over that it is NOT their fault! it is nothing they did, not a defect in them, there is nothing wrong with them... The defect is in their dad, it is his choice that has NOTHING to do with them.
I had a son that was just about distroyed when his dad had nothing to do with him. He thought it was something wrong with HIM that his dad could'nt love him and he became very distructive. He would smash his favorite toys because he thought he didn't deserve anything nice because of this defect that made his dad leave him.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Funny, he wants to be involved yet when I need him to be, he ignores it.
. Whenever she does have a working phone and we're able to track down the number, he attempts to call and have conversations with the kids - she's always in the background, talking sh*t. It's a sad situation in that she has the oldest daughter totally brainwashed in that she won't even get on the phone to talk to her Father. He's just written it off and said that hopefully she'll come around. 
