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How do I help my kids deal with the fact that their Dad never calls or wants to see them? He isn't stable and it is probably best that they don't spend too much time with him, but they aren't old enough to realise that. They have a wonderful Step-Dad, a very involved Grandfather. There are good male role models in their life. One thing that concerns me is that they see that their Step-Siblings still see their Dad after a divorce, and their Dad never even calls them.
They don't talk about it much, but I wonder if there is something I should be doing anyway. I do tell them that they can talk to me anytime about their Dad. I will even bring it up at times and tell them that I understand that it isn't fair, ect..
Anyone been through this that has any words of wisdom?
ive gone through similar w/my daughter. Her father is a deadbeat, both financially and emotionally. Although, he can let anything from 2weeks go by, to 8 months go by w/o calling/seeing her. And that includes when we lived about 2miles apart. (we're now about 4hrs apart) And life was made more difficult by the fact that his GFs daughter is one of my daughters good friends. And she see's him all the time. He takes his GFs little girl to the zoo, movies, festivals, he goes to her school functions, soccer games, etc. but at the very very most, calls his own child, maybe once a week. He let over a year go by w/o seeing her a single time and only called her 3x in the whole year (this was just last year) Not even a phone call on Christmas or her birthday, much less a gift..My daughter is 13 now, and in the last year, she has taken the inititive to tell him just how much all of this hurts her. Of course, he blamed her (lovely person eh?) so I wrote a long letter (AGAIN) telling him how badly he had been hurting her, how it affected her, and gave examples. I also said I was not going to MAKE her talk to him anymore and if he kept it up, he wasnt going to be getting more chances w/her. Sure enough, he waited about 3weeks to call her, and she refused to talk to him. Ooohhhh boy did that tick him off! My husband could hear him screaming over the phone from across the room (at me, my daugher was in her room by this point) I just calmly told him she wasnt at his beck and call and that at this point, the only way she was going to be talking to him again, is if he started showing some consistency w/her. Calling min. once a week, on her bday/holidays. It took awhile, but things have gotten slightly better. Still no visits, but he does call her almost every sunday. granted, its only about a 2min call, but i guess better than not. Anyhow, all along, since she was very little, we've made sure she always has a neutrual party to talk to about this. We had bimonthly meetings for her and her school counceler w/open option for her to be able to go talk anytime she wanted/needed to. Then in the last year, she's been talking more w/one of my friends who went through something very similar w/her dad at about the same age. Plus, an older cousin who has a similar story only w/her mom (and dad has never been in pic. shes raised by other family) anyhow, my suggestion is to always make sure she has someone NEUTRAL to talk to. And hard as it may be, to never say anything negative about the father. but be understanding that you probably arent the best person for her to talk to about this. My daughter and I have a very close relationship, and ive remained very civil about her father, not saying bad things, and trying to give him a side/voice too when she's upset, but regardless, he and I are on opposite ends here and she knows it. To her, even though ive remained postive when speaking about him, it would be almost like pitting against each other. So again, have someone not involved at all there for her to talk to.
sorry for the book, hope it may help. and feel free to pm me if you need.
Tiffany
Thanks, Tiffany. I will try to find a neutral party for the girls to talk to. I don't get what is wrong with these men. I guess I never will. Thanks for the advise!
This is a very difficult subject matter and it's even harder because it involves the children. I am going to highly recommend that you NEVER bad mouth the other parent (no matter what the circumstances are). When children grow older, they can form their own judgment about the absent parent. My father was never a part of my life. We were raised by my Mother but we also had a tight knit family unit in that my grandparents/great-grandmother's/uncles were all instrumental in our upbringing. My Mother nor anyone else in the family ever uttered one bad word about our father. When I was 16 I went to visit a great aunt who happened to live in the same town as my father. She wanted me to call my father and go by to see him. I had no interest in doing so, because I had formed an opinion that he had no interest in me. Needless to say, my great aunt, gave me a long speech on why I shouldn't feel this and that. I have seen my father and have talked to him on various occasions whenever I'm in his city, but the point is, I formed my own opinions and my opinion is that I don't need a relationship with him and it would be phony for me to pretend like I want one.
Then you have on the other hand in some instances where the Mother of the children make it extremely difficult for the Father to have a relationship with his child(ren). My husband is a prime example - the childrens mother makes his life a living h*ll. He can't call his children without her getting on the phone b*tching and complaining. When he asked to get the children every other weekend - she was cool at first. When it came time again, she would make up excuses and try to impose stipulations (none of which ever made sense). She can't keep a phone on for longer than 2 months. We have sinced moved to another state and on occasions he sent boxes of clothing for the kids - this ignorant a*s, takes the box of clothing to his Mothers' house and says, that the kids don't like this stuff. Whenever she does have a working phone and we're able to track down the number, he attempts to call and have conversations with the kids - she's always in the background, talking sh*t. It's a sad situation in that she has the oldest daughter totally brainwashed in that she won't even get on the phone to talk to her Father. He's just written it off and said that hopefully she'll come around.
So in essence this subject is always two-fold however in your case, I think that the Father is the problem, not you. Good luck and keep your head up!
If it's any comfort - what goes around, comes around. My boys were virtually abandoned by their father when we divorced. He was 30 miles away for the most part, when he wasn't traveling the world and seeing new scuba spots - but that child support and every other weekend was just too much for him, ya know? My kids made their stepfather's life hell - sort of took out on him what they couldn't say to their own dad. Long story short is they are 27 and 30. They see their dad, he lives a mile or so from them...and they probably see him once a month. His wife is super, I love her to pieces, and she's the only reason it's halfway working. The kids basically have no use for him....they try to care, but they remember all the unkept promises and the fact that they actually "did without" during their teen years. They were never hungry and always had a roof over their head, but they couldn't wear the same clothes or do all of the activities that teens want to do simply because the money wasn't there. It's a long, long story - but their father is getting back some of what he dealt out. I have no doubt my boys would be there for him if he needed them, but they would have to get a phone call to let them know anything was wrong first.
Sad thing is - ex was raised in a "normal" two parent family, but his dad was a lousy dad too. Guess the ex just didn't know any better. At least that part didn't rub off on my kids - they are great with children and I have no doubt they will make fabulous fathers one day (soon, I hope...I ain't gettin' no younger)
I think the important thing is for them to be told and know that it is not their fault that the divorce happened nor is it their fault their father is this way. Unfortunately kids cannot choose their parents and not every child has 2 well-adusted parents. It is good that you tell them, and continue to do so, that they can come to you anytime to talk about this. You all (you and the children) may need a little faimly counseling just to get everything out and for you to have an impartial party helping. Since he is unstable and the children still have some positive male role models in their life, I would look at it from the standpoint that it is likely the best he doesn't have contact.
My son has a deadbeat dad... we know where he is, he knows where we are, our parents know each other... but alas, he is still a deadbeat. I do agree that the deadbeat's upbringing has a lot to do with how deadbeats treat their own children. My son's dad was raised by two parents who regularly left him and his sister overnight so they could gamble with friends. This was not a sob story told to me by my ex, but by family friends who witnessed it.
I also agree with not bad-mouthing the deadbeat in front of the kids, as hard as that is. My son is almost 16 and I never badmouthed his dad... the truth was bad enough! No phone calls, no visits, forget about gifts on birthdays or holidays. Plus, the grueling observation that other kids had dads except for him. In time, my son formed his own opinion like the previous poster said. He doesn't mention his dad at all and lost interest in him, although I have offered over the years to take him to see him when he's ready.
The only thing you can do is love your child as best you can, and be strong for them. Be ready for the time when they might ask questions about him, or ask to see him. It looks like you are already doing this, so you are on the right track.
Lastly, it might help to show them that every family is different. Acknowledge that their step-siblings do get to see their dad, but that it doesn't make them less loved. If there are other blended families that you know, point them out to your kids to show them that families come in different forms. In the end, there's a hope that your children will not only come to accept their situation, but also celebrate their differences.
We're raising my wifes 15 yr old grandson......his father [wife's son] is the stereotypical DB dad.....We don't bad mouth him.....his son does that quite well.....he notices and makes not of the times he's been disappointed by his father....usually because 'dad' has to do something with his youngest son.....
The good news is.....that we have a fully matured and responsible 15 yr old that is determined to NOT be the same type of person his "Sperm Donor"[his words not mine] is.
How do I help my kids deal with the fact that their Dad never calls or wants to see them? He isn't stable and it is probably best that they don't spend too much time with him, but they aren't old enough to realise that. They have a wonderful Step-Dad, a very involved Grandfather. There are good male role models in their life. One thing that concerns me is that they see that their Step-Siblings still see their Dad after a divorce, and their Dad never even calls them.
They don't talk about it much, but I wonder if there is something I should be doing anyway. I do tell them that they can talk to me anytime about their Dad. I will even bring it up at times and tell them that I understand that it isn't fair, ect..
Anyone been through this that has any words of wisdom?
Be ready to accept a lot of pain. My son's sperm donor would see him every now & then when my son was at my Ex's aunts. They'd plan to go to dinner, of course he wouldn't show up. My son used to come home & cry. When I was pregnant with my son, my Ex wanted a girl, & when I delivered a son, even though he ended up being a Jr (which I would never do again) the marriage was over. He could not get over the fact that we'd had a boy.
There was a time I got an attorney to enforce visitation. My son was around 12 or so and wanted to see him. Of course having a judge enforce visitation didn't help much, but he did see him a few times.
I can remember after my 2nd divorce, we'd drive my daughter to meet her father 1/2 way. My son would get his stuff packed too. We'd get there, my daughter would leave, my son would try to call his SD's cell. He didn't always answer. If he did, he'd say he got caught up at work or that he thought it was the next weekend. Some days when we couldn't reach him we'd wait close to an hour. It was so hard driving away to go back home. I used to email him to confirm the weekend. Most times he did not reply, so we had no clue if he was coming; his response was that his girlfriends computer went down
My son always saw his other relatives. The aunt that my son used to see (she didn't have kids & bonded with my son) used to call me or I would call her to arrange Christmas drop off. If it wasn't for these Christmas meetings, I don't know what my son would be like. Since my Ex MIL was there, she made it a point that her son was there, so if anything, he saw him Christmas day, once a year.
When my son went to college, we'd gone to court to get him to pay his share. He was so ticked off, he called my son (who was driving at the time) to meet him at the old 1/2 way point. Funny how he could never meet back then, but now that it hit him in the pocket, he had to meet ASAP! That @#%^&* told my son that he didn't deserve to go to college and proceeded to put my son down. That SOB is lucky I wasn't there. My son eventually dropped out because he couldn't pick himself up after that chat his SD had with him.
My son is now 22. Of course since there is no more support of any kind, he now makes it a point to see my son when he comes to the state. He moved away a few years ago to be closer to his mother. I must have done something right, my son while he knows what a piece of carp his SD is, is happy to finally have a relationship with him.
I've always tried to make up for him not having SD around. With the college stuff, SD didn't pay his share which affected my son's credit. Since my son's car was on it's last legs (he'd taken it cross country & back) I made the decision to co-sign a loan for him. Thankfully this helped his credit after it was messed up by SD.
When your hubby sees his kids, perhaps you can do something special with your kids? I never had this happen, my 2nd didn't have a kid other then my daughter, and my current has an adult son. You can take your kids to a movie or do something they like to do, away from the step kids. My daughter used to feel like she missed out because I would do things with my son while she was at her fathers house. I know it didn't make up for the tears & heartache he had, but it made it a little easier.
While it's possible they won't talk at counseling, I would try it. Things are so much different now then back when my son went through it. There are people skilled at dealing with this specific situation and may be able to help your kids.
The kids are 8 & 10 now. They were 5 & 7 when we split. I do not bad mouth their Dad in front of them. Neither does my husband or family.
The other thing I forgot to mention. His family never calls, either. The Grandma, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins. No one.
We just got school pictures back. We sent one to Dad (who lives with his mom). No call saying nice pictures, thanks. Nothing.
Oh well, we'll just keep doing what we're doing. I know they'll call around the holidays wanting to see the kids. Do I leave it up to the kids? I'd personally like to say "No F-ing way!" But I guess I can't. The last time any of his family saw the kids was LAST CHRISTMAS! Last phone call from him was in Feb. The kids called him on Fathers Day and his Birthday and had to leave a message, and he never called back.
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. Whenever she does have a working phone and we're able to track down the number, he attempts to call and have conversations with the kids - she's always in the background, talking sh*t. It's a sad situation in that she has the oldest daughter totally brainwashed in that she won't even get on the phone to talk to her Father. He's just written it off and said that hopefully she'll come around. 
)
hang in there
