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I completely and totally disagree with you.....this is NOT the case in many, many episodes of jail time and kids! You can be a model family and when a kid gets mixed up with drugs there is NOTHING you can do to stop that cycle. Not all parents are garbage and not all felons are from "bad" families and "bad" parents. I get pretty tired of parents being blamed for everything a kid does. We have raised a generation that seem to have NO SENSE of personal responsibility. I'm sorry, a 19 year old made a conscious choice to break the law....let her sit there!! AT 19 they are adults...treat them like one!
To the parent involved, hang tough, do NOT bail her out. Tell her that you love her so much your letting her sit there! I too have "been there, done that" with a son.....he did 3 years in a Federal prison, the first year I didn't even write to him let alone "bail him out".....it took a hard 3 years to realize and take responsibility for what he did......he decided while in there that he really didn't want to be where he was, told me he accepted his "fate" and did his time. We built a very good relationship over the last 2 years....he is now an amazing human being! Wonderful father and husband, great provider for his family and involved in Church and a prison ministry....people CAN change if you allow them to. But you also cannot MAKE them change, that has to come from within themselves...
Nothing this mother can do or say will make her daughter change, that change can only come from the daughter....hang in there Mom, you are doing the best thing for her no matter how much it hurts you....if you wish to DM me for support through this, please feel free to do so.....you, your daughter and your family will be in my prayers...
Just know that if you bail her out and let her come home.. you will become her next victim. she will start to steal from you also, especially if drugs are involved. I work in the court system and see this everyday where people are continuously victimized by people they love. Let them feel the consequences for their actions.
I completely and totally disagree with you.....this is NOT the case in many, many episodes of jail time and kids! You can be a model family and when a kid gets mixed up with drugs there is NOTHING you can do to stop that cycle. Not all parents are garbage and not all felons are from "bad" families and "bad" parents. I get pretty tired of parents being blamed for everything a kid does. We have raised a generation that seem to have NO SENSE of personal responsibility. I'm sorry, a 19 year old made a conscious choice to break the law....let her sit there!! AT 19 they are adults...treat them like one!
To the parent involved, hang tough, do NOT bail her out. Tell her that you love her so much your letting her sit there! I too have "been there, done that" with a son.....he did 3 years in a Federal prison, the first year I didn't even write to him let alone "bail him out".....it took a hard 3 years to realize and take responsibility for what he did......he decided while in there that he really didn't want to be where he was, told me he accepted his "fate" and did his time. We built a very good relationship over the last 2 years....he is now an amazing human being! Wonderful father and husband, great provider for his family and involved in Church and a prison ministry....people CAN change if you allow them to. But you also cannot MAKE them change, that has to come from within themselves...
Nothing this mother can do or say will make her daughter change, that change can only come from the daughter....hang in there Mom, you are doing the best thing for her no matter how much it hurts you....if you wish to DM me for support through this, please feel free to do so.....you, your daughter and your family will be in my prayers...
Ozark Nana
Well, I hated to be the one to say it, but it is true. The original poster also stated she has a 28 year old son who is an alcoholic who has also been in and out of jail. My heart goes out to them all, or course, but we reap what we sow. “They who sow the wind shall reap the whirlwind.”
At some point a person has to be responsible for themselves and blaming the parents is not gonna cut it. As small children the parents (should) influence and control every area of their childrens life - as the child gets older that is just not always true. You could be the best parent in the world and free will will enter - look at Adam and Eve!!
Some people are just gonna do what they are gonna do and no amount of tough love is gonna help - some people will make worse mistakes than others and they won't be able to come back from it or learn a lesson. But to blame every mistake that a 19 year old makes on parenting is very narrow minded and judgemental......
Having said all of that - I am a very strict parent because I believe it is my job to be a parent and not a friend - but at 19 if my child starts down that path - there is only so much I can do.
Well, I hated to be the one to say it, but it is true. The original poster also stated she has a 28 year old son who is an alcoholic who has also been in and out of jail. My heart goes out to them all, or course, but we reap what we sow. “They who sow the wind shall reap the whirlwind.”
And please know that alcoholism is a disease and also runs in families.....just like heart disease. Don't blame the parent for a disease they have little control over. Sometimes these things are not so cut and dry and "sowing the wind" has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.....maybe we should all remember our bible verses regarding "casting the first stone".......
6 women in an 8x10 cell????
Ok jail is no country club but that's a stretch I would think?
Don't fall prey to her trying to guilt you out and tug on the Mommie heart strings..
Like I said IF she is facing a jail sentence for her crimes all the days she sat waiting will be credited...example..she sat for 1 month waiting to go to trial or plead & be sentenced
Judge gives her 1 year, she will get that 1 month of waiting deducted from her time
And please know that alcoholism is a disease and also runs in families.....just like heart disease. Don't blame the parent for a disease they have little control over. Sometimes these things are not so cut and dry and "sowing the wind" has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.....maybe we should all remember our bible verses regarding "casting the first stone".......
As far as legal representation, she requested a court appointed attorney. We told her we'd sell her car and get a very good attorney, but she said no.
She can have the public defender for free. When she gets out she will need the car to work, if she cleans up her act or if you pad for it, it could go to one of the other kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by whattodo?
I have been through this before. I have a 28 year old son, who is an alcoholic and has been in and out of jail. We bailed him out several times, only to have things get worse. That is why I refuse to bail her out. He is doing much better, but lives with us with his 3 young girls (2,4, 8). My daughter always said she would never get involved in this kind of stuff because she saw what it did to families. I do have 2 other children 27 year old , married with 2 children and doing great, and a 17 year old girl who is in the top 10 of her class and doing great, although this has been hard on her. She's had to listen to a lot of crap at school about this. Her principal has talked to her about it and has helped her soo much.
I know we'll mangage to get through this, it's just so heartbreaking. My head knows she is where she is supposed to be, but my heart breaks for her. I can't thank all of you enough for responding to me. It helps to talk about it and to get your opinions.
You bailed one out a few times but won't bail out the other? That's why she thinks you don't love her. While I can understand you've probably had enough after the 1st kid, you did for one but not the next.
Quote:
Originally Posted by whattodo?
We agreed on the condition she stay away from the boyfriend and she refused. Now she is saying we don't love her because we won't bail her out. And even if we do bail her out she will not come back here to live because she hates it here. She says it is not his fault she did all of this, and while I don't blame him for this I honestly don't think she would be in this situation if she had not gotten involved with him, I feel like no matter what I do I'm losing my daughter. Any thoughts??
You're probably right that she probably wouldn't have done this if she wasn't with him, and you're right, you probably are losing your daughter. Love (or whatever it is) does some bad things to a kid. It's a vicious cycle that's hard to break,, but you may be able to teach her a lesson.
I don't know if I could totally abandon my kid though. Tough love is one thing, I would stand my ground on most things but give her the chance to change. If she didn't change, then I wouldn't help again, period. How many days has she been in jail? Leaving her there for a few nights, maybe a week hopefully will give her a taste of it.
Did she hold a job?
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